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MattParticipantAndrea,
Consider that the world is made of yin and yang, shadow and light, female and male, and both are part of the fabric of creation, part of consciousness. To me, your dream means you’re struggling with accepting these parts of yourself, pitting these forces against one another, rather than integrating them. Have you been especially uncomfortable with something you’ve been feeling? Consider less struggle, more hugs to yourself.
A Buddha fighting a demon? More like two buddhas putting on a play to teach you some stuff.
And watch out for those Christians, hehe. Some of them tend to forget the whole “god is everything” teaching when something startles them. Everything is demons? Who ever heard such nonsense! The only difference between a hurt child and a demon is in the eye of the beholder.
With warmth,
MattMattParticipantMelilot,
Congratulations on doing the noble work of self growth, and thank you for all the effort. It helps us all, more than you know!
Consider that after the divorce and other troubles, you went into a protective shell. Like a hermit going into a cave to separate themselves from the bustle of the outside world. For instance, paused on dating, while you self examined and healed. Now, you’re stepping out into the world again, and your eyes are screaming “its so bright!!!!!” All very normal, highs and lows, emotional turbulence. It takes time to regain our footing when we leave the cave.
There are a few causes here that come to mind. One, fear that you’ll regress, lose the New Melilot that emerged from all the efforts, lose stability, lose yourself, fall back into whatnot and whathaveyou. This makes the fear especially scary, because the past held lots of pain. But consider: that Melilot, of three years, four years, ten years… is gone. Like a seed dissolves as a flower grows, the person you were has helped you become who you are today, but is otherwise a faint whisper. As long as you keep the good and noble habits you developed while in the cave, your eyes will adjust and each moment will be less dramatic.
For instance, you jump back into the dating realm, and the first date isn’t just “OK, what’s this person like”, its “am I ready, what will this be like, am I datable” and all that other extra stuff. This goes away. Much like riding a bicycle after a long absence, it isn’t just “petal and point”, its “can I do this, am I ready to do this” which makes every single little wobble on your radar. After you’ve ridden a mile or two, the wobbles won’t matter so much, don’t blast as loudly, because you won’t fixate so much of your attention on them, proving you can or can’t ride a bike. See?
Two, consider that dating is pretty much inherently messy and awkward. People fart and burp, ask weird questions, give weird answers, wonder what the other person thinks and feels, lots of squinting and unknown. Learn to laugh at these things and let them go. If we accept the awkwardness is something that can’t really be avoided, the humor really begins to shine through. People are too unique and amazing to not bump heads from time to time. And those are often the stories that bring much delight, once our cheeks stop being red, of course.
As for the “crazy”, all I hear is “I’m passionate and also scared”. You sound sane, already. Don’t be so hard on yourself!
With warmth,
MattMattParticipantAnita,
In native “matt-ease” they’re called entanglements. ๐ Working at letting go doesn’t really work, neither does applying mental energy toward them by thinking on top of them. More like, ripples in the pond don’t really change the water, so what’s all the fuss about? Move the mind to the breath, and the ripples fade all on their own. Thoughts float in, float past, emotions rise up and fade, and there is Anita, breathing, the ocean and sky, one.
With warmth,
MattMattParticipantFranny,
I hope your surgery recovery continues. For eye open meditation, consider Trฤแนญaka. Searching YouTube or google for it will give more detail, but the basic idea is pick an object (such as a burning candle, mandala, picture of a buddha, etc) and use looking at that object as the focus for the meditation.
With warmth,
MattMattParticipantThis is a simple technique for working with a racing, unfocused mind. Good luck!
With warmth,
MattMattParticipantJJ,
I’m sorry for the troubles along your path, friend. I’d like to apologize on behalf of our ancestors for being so misinformed, so fearful and grasping. In their folly, they thought they had figured out what “true nature” is, and often attempted to squash anomolies to those. Its always more difficult for people that don’t fit the nice neat bell curve, and those that do not have been too often made to feel bad. Like stones tossed by ignorance, and they happen to catch the heart of a child, hiding, feeling alone for the exploring done in private.
But Jim/Jamie is not something you do, its just something you are. Nature unfolds in infinite diversity and combination, and all of it just is what it is. While its becoming better understood now, in the 50s and 60s, less typical configurations of nature were still scaring many people as it forced them to redefine how they saw their world. It still does, for some, but many, many others its like “OK, cool, whatevs, sis or bro. Do you prefer Jamie or Jim, he or she?” If someone isn’t there yet, consider they’re now the one at the end of the bell curve, and deserve our compassion. “You have a problem with my gender? Wow, that must be hard for you.”
For the leftover shame, consider: nothing you do can disconnect you from your nature. Grass grows, and is just grass. Trees grow, are just trees. You grew, and perhaps fit in the middle of traditionally structured genders, but are still just JJ. Imagine a person standing over a strawberry bush, and saying “strawberry bushes are disgusting”. Huh? The bush is not the delusional one. Ya know? That’s a person, pointing at an aspect of god, and judging out of fear. Pity them compassionatly, perhaps, but don’t join them. Fools will be fools, and with luck, learn in time.
For the regret with mom, consider that you weren’t ready. Too many fools pointing their finger at you (by proxy, you hiding but nodding, crying) to feel safe talking about it. No worries. Here you are now, talking about it. And, if there are people that you don’t ever want to talk about it with, dont feel like you have to. We all have secrets, and we share them with people that earn our trust. Very normal. And, if they haven’t earned that trust, its their loss. You sparkle.
With warmth,
MattMattParticipantHappygirl,
Do you spend time playing with your husband? To me, it sounds like R is not the issue, R is like a thorn that is helping bring the issue to the surface. How do you let go of the accumulated stress of your daily do?
Consider a day trip into nature, just the two of you. Or more massage time, feet rubbing, maybe have him brush your hair. Give him more chances to express his love in actions. And be sure to do the same!
As far as R goes, your home is your safe space. Wanting to keep your home comfortable is not bowing out of anything. Its you, protecting what you love. I had an ex that was a friend of mine, and it made my wife uncomfortable. I expressed the situation to my teacher, “how do I deal with her jealousy and discomfort? I’m not very close with the ex, so how do I help her not make a big deal about nothing?” His suggestion: cut ties with the ex. “Is it worth it?” He asked. It wasn’t. Rather than trying to swallow, let go, grow past, and all that…. if R isn’t that big of a deal to him, perhaps he will see it isn’t worth bringing discomfort into his home.
With warmth,
MattMattParticipantL&li,
Do you think she woke up in the morning thinking “how can I tear down that person today?”
Consider a healing mantra: “I choose to set down, give up, and forgive whatever causes, conditions, and behaviors that happened between us. May she be free of any further suffering, and may I be free of any further suffering.”
Quit trying to justify, explain, diagnose or judge her behaviors. That’s not helping you become free. Its just residual anger and entanglement. Toss it off, unneeded. Focus on the fertile fields, not the infertile fields. ๐
With warmth,
MattMattParticipantChaycups,
In addition to the other kindly advice, consider that sometimes we have to give up the chase, sit down, and relax. When we become overwhelmed, often we get a feeling like we need to fix it. But when we’re overwhelmed, we are not in a good place to fix anything. Much like its difficult to see the sun on a rainy day, its not easy to shine the light of our inspiration when we’re feeling emotionally compacted.
Instead, what we can do is work to open up the space around the emotions. Shame, for instance, feeling isolated, can push us to try to become more worthy of connection. Looking for a golden key, some kind of right thing to say or do that makes us worth connecting with. Instead of seeking that golden key, we can sit, breathe, relax with our senses, and accept that no mistakes can disconnect us, no noble actions can connect us. We just are connected. Said differently, love is unconditional, so nothing you can do will make you more or less lovable. You’re stuck, unavoidably, permantenly lovable no matter what you do. So relax! That’s when you can look around, grab a bucket of paint and a paintbrush, and repaint your canvas in whatever hues you find lovely.
Consider reading some of Brene Brown’s work. She’s studied shame extensively, and is quite a beautiful spirit, helpful.
With warmth,
MattJune 3, 2015 at 8:18 pm in reply to: I can't help but complain/vent out frustration. I think it's too late… #77710MattParticipantTroubledbloke,
Congratulations on beginning to examine the effects your actions have on your environment and the people around you. The vision that came to mind as I read your story was that you don’t handle your fears and stresses very well. Being very sensitive is difficult in corporate environments, as there is generally a lot of stress floating around. Lots of tension, deadlines, expectations, and direct consequences. For a sensitive bloke dancing through such a place, it makes sense that you grab onto events, fear them, and build up some internal pressure.
Now, being a self-spoken person is perhaps one way of saying “I blurt my pressure onto those around me.” This is one way of dealing with stress, such as trying to rally others to your side, so you can become more comfortable with the events, feeling as though they are unjust, don’t fit you, don’t belong, someone else’s issue that they unfairly put in your lap.
Pema Chodron once described this as a story of a being that walks across a hot desert. The daily workflow vibrates with various stresses that trouble us. Your current method of dealing with that heat is by trying to pave the desert in leather, such as changing the landscape to hurt you less. Complaining here and there, fighting for your vision of how it “should be”, placing blame on others for what they do, and so forth. This sometimes works, but requires a lot of leather. So much effort! So many words you must speak to get rid of the internal stress!
Instead, what you could do is use enough leather to make a pair of shoes. This would be better stress coping techniques that allow you to get less worked up over the events you experience. What you may find the most useful is becoming less afraid of your fear. Less jumpy when you become scared. Instead of running away, trying to convince the people around you of your side, so you can feel like your fear is unneeded, try to become comfortable with the uncertain future. Rest with the fear, accept the fear, and grow your tender courage. Practically, this might look like:
You make a mistake, and your boss calls you out on it. The ego kicks up, starts fearing the long term effects, starts defending you, arguing with the boss. Instead of running around, blurting, consider “thank you, perhaps you are right, and I will work to grow more skillful.” Do some mindful breathing, let go of the aggression, let it slide on past. Once the fear settles, the packaging of the criticism unwraps and you are left with knowledge of where you can improve. Whether the boss called out your mistake in a bloke-compatible language or not, he’s pointing at something he wants fixed, didn’t fit with the team goals, etc. You’re still green, so instead of trying to defend your current shape, accept the imperfect forge fire, and become sharper. Learn from your mistake.
With the second boss for instance, consider: perhaps she is right. Your co workers and other supervisors have enough on their plate working, supervising, feeding their families, seeking their happiness, and so forth. They can’t be expected to help you with your dislike of criticism, and as your boss mentioned, deal with it. Get a therapist, a cat, do some yoga, go running… find ways of emptying the pressure without the verbal blurting. Consider searching “right speech” on google to learn more about what noble communication look like. Then, practice.
We all get stressed, dear friend, and we all have to find skillful ways of working with that stress. It is much better to shake off the mud, than try to shake other people until our mud falls off. Does that make sense?
With warmth,
MattMattParticipantDesperate Son,
Congratulations on taking steps forward in becoming peaceful and happy. Accepting our parents can be tough, as they often mirror qualities in ourselves that still trouble us. A couple of things can help remove the triggering effects from their suffering, so it doesn’t spread to you. (Like, judging them for judging. How ridiculous is that? Hehe)
Consider: you’re their son, and so the conditions are not good for you to teach them. Not only does the inner agitation prevent your heartfelt creativity from shining, but you’re also their kid, and are “supposed to” learn from them, not the other way around. ๐ So, from a distance, during metta meditation or other loving kindness practice, you can wish and hope they overcome whatever fears and suffering that bind them into those habits.
Second, you can cultivate gratitude for them, for helping you see the many odd and confining ways judgment influence their connection to the world, so you don’t have to carry those same limitations. What a beautiful day! Then an object that inspires judgment comes before them. Suddenly, they’re missing out on all the beauty, stuck staring at, cycling with, and talking about something they dislike. How odd and limiting! But mainly, the key, it has nothing to do with you, is not yours. Give them a hug, or not. Walk away, or not. Whatever feels right.
Finally, consider taking a further step and working to not judge people even after you know their conscious reasons for acting. Buddha taught that everyone seeks happiness, but the methods they use to find happiness often do not align with nature, do not produce happiness. For me, sitting with, resting upon, and looking deeply at this insight helps me remove any lingering desire to waste my precious time with a gavel in my hand.
With warmth,
MattMattParticipantHeal2014,
Congratulations on coming so far! Consider how much personal development has been inspired by those bullies. Meditation, exercise, connecting to unconditional love. Wow! Such great teachers they have been for you! Perhaps now you’re ready to forgive them for being fools and throwing stones at a gentle being?
With meditation, perhaps you have learned how to unclench your fist around ideas and thoughts, letting yourself breathe and let go of previous moments like ripples in a pond. Now, perhaps its time to unclench the fist around heal2014, so you can see that you have grown up since the last stones were thrown. Said differently, you’ve moved into good nurturing habits, and so even if you encounter the same bully, they will not encounter the same heal2014.
With warmth,
MattMattParticipantButterfly,
Thank you for putting your heart on your sleeve and reaching out for help in creating a more caring environment for your family. Consider that your daughter’s reactions are very normal and usual. As she begins to figure out who she is as a being, it is natural for her to defend her own views from aggression. Like a mother might protect her child from the weather by surrounded her in her arms, so are eye rolling and arguing shelter for her own inner tenderness. While it may seem defiant, that is a small view, as though obedient is something she just should be. The first step, in my opinion, is letting go of your own frustration by deeply forgiving her for these actions, seen as simple structures she uses to stop the muck of your husband’s aggression and control issues. She may over use them, but that is also normal. We find what works, and use it to defend our desire.
For your husband, it could be tricky. Has he had therapy, artistic outlets, yoga, or other forms of bringing his mind and body back into balance since his unsettling childhood? When we get imprinted in violent ways, some of our internal methods can become dysfunctional. Such as, aggressive arguing with a 10 year old yields no winners. The contention, as a guess without hearing his side of things, is that he has too much fear that his daughter is in danger. As though she needs to change herself in order to be safe from harm. But that is perhaps not true, as her environment is much different than his, and so his startle reaction and aggression are projected where they don’t belong. Such as “sit up straight, dammit”, because if a kid does not sit up straight, they will be attacked, because he was. But…. the circumstances are different, do not fit the family he is in, now.
To dismantle his inner aggression, he needs to take time to see things through her eyes. To make space inside himself to see the world she’s actually in, feel the desires she has, look at the landscape she is traveling. As he does this, his loving wamrth for her will naturally become more present, and instead of defending her from herself, can more aptly help her find the things she is looking for in her life. Said differently, the king surrenders to the princess, listens closely to what she wants, and then tries to help her find those dreams coming true. Then, no argument arises between them, there are no conditions that support it. On his side, he helps her build the life she wants to live, and what a hero! On hers, she has help figuring out how to navigate her life, and what a life! When it is clear to mother and father that her desires bring about self harm (“I want cookies for dinner” “I will take my phone to bed”) she will be much more receptive to the boundaries that are placed in front of her as for her own benefit, from love.
Also, make sure they get plenty of time to play, if possible. Father/daughter connections are magic, so encourage them to go hand in hand on some adventures where they both can find happiness and their curious inner child dancing.
Most kids stick their tongue out at their parents. It is a very normal part of developing to become stubborn and defiant, expressing ones own dominion by ignoring, rejecting or otherwise discarding external control. This is good, normal, fine, and parents always need to learn to pick their battles. Or, they exhaust themselves trying to run around their children “fixing them” as their kids stumble and grow. As Anita wisely suggests, consider examining together with your husband the issues that are worth addressing, coming up with a unified plan. That way, you can have a frame of reference to help him let go of his own agitation or come at her difficulties from different directions. Molehill or mountain? Step over molehills, climb mountains. Don’t try to climb molehills, the last thing she needs is to rightly roll her eyes when daddy is being a fool. ๐
Finally, consider encouraging your husband to find a user manual or service guide. “Your Child is Smarter Than You Think” by Wanda Draper, for instance, could help him crack open the hood and examine more directly the engine of the father-daughter relationship. Just as he wouldn’t fix a car engine’s knock by simply pressing harder on the gas pedal, he won’t fix the connection by being louder. He needs to pull it apart, replace some belts, and see if it helps. He probably knows there is much he doesn’t know, but there are ways to learn. ๐
With warmth,
MattMattParticipantSusie,
Your daughter is a very lucky girl to have known 8 months of such love. You didn’t fail her, dear mother, you shared with her your whole heart and body.
Friend, don’t try to go looking for a previous Suzie, some pre-mother Suzie. She left when you got pregnant for the first time. Instead, you can accept that you grew from Suzie the woman into Suzie the mother, and even though your daughter never opened her eyes, she opened yours.
With warmth,
MattMattParticipantCoffee,
In my opinion, both. Learn to work with stress skillfully, such as meditation and yoga. Learn to minimize the stress you’re producing, such as less projection of concrete meaning onto the experiences you’re having. This will help free up the space for the next waypoint along coffee’s path.
One secret is that the commute and long hours don’t inherently produce stress. Stress arises as you grab onto the experiences as yours. “Not mine” said the Buddha. Such as, consider spending time on the commute home setting down the day. “There is no need to think more about the stress I experienced today at work”. Ripples of thoughts, “gotta gotta gotta do do do”. Nope, “not mine”. Commute home inside, too. Then, when you do get home, you’ll be home already, instead of looking, trying, seeking.
Do you have kids and a family? What keeps you glued there?
With warmth,
Matt -
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Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine.