Katie,

When you say he is emotionally shut down, it brought a few things to mind. Some view the energy of emotion in terms of chakras, which are like spinning disks or pools of fluid energy. When we seem to be “shut down” it could either be a lack of energy (such as if he isn’t really awake in the moment and is lost in thoughts of past/future/fantasy) or he is suppressing the energy (such as if the present is too painful and he is trying to look away).

From your description, it seems like the former for him and the latter for you. Consider that your wanting him sooooo bad is something to be honored, and your fear of that causes you to stuff it all down. Instead, you can use that yearning to reach out to him… it is a creative force that you can use to pull him toward you. Said differently, if you have courage and just jump after him, he may absorb that and awaken to the crazy, sexy beauty that is in front of him instead of the objects that preoccupy his mind.

Or, you could also use that yearning to tease him awake, with gentle but persistent creativity… such as playing with his body with gentle stroking and squeezing. Each of us awaken differently, and it is up to is to embody the change we wish to see. Consider “I want to try something, would you get naked and lay down?” Then just follow your creativity and see what he responds to. Our bodies have a lot of nerves, and they can be teased and bitten, pinched and pulled into alertness. With my partner, we both respond well to being kissed on the neck and ears while having our back and butt touched and scratched, for instance.

Don’t think of it in terms of bringing him to you, rather waking his body up. Maybe it is in the body and not in the mind where the conversation will best take place! 🙂

With warmth,
Matt

Amy,

I can respect the confusion that arises when our hearts are open to more than one person, and trying to decide what to do with that information. A few things came to heart as I read your words.

You said a few times that these men lead you to act in different ways. This wrinkled in my brain, because on one hand we are naturally adaptive to situations and people… like speaking a different language in different cultures. However, do you know your native tongue? Who are you in the absence of these men? What do you see? How do you act?

My teacher said the most important thing for an intimacy is whether the two people are seeing the same thing. Both in each other, but also at the world. Put into this context, in which connection do you feel closest to your native tongue? Consider that acting in a way that is “what they expect” or “who he makes me” or “what he inspires in me” can be very draining and disorienting. It can also move us to grow in amazing ways… but only if it is growth that you really want to happen.

You said the current boyfriend makes you act less mature than you are… which boggles my mind. How can we act in a way that is not who we are?

Perhaps the question you could ask yourself is “which do I like to be with more?” And “which do I feel more comfortable speaking my true thoughts and feelings?” Remember that changing to fit what you think they want is sure to end in disaster… and instead we look to see which partner is looking out at a similarly painted world.

With warmth,
Matt

Remember that not making a choice is still a choice! 🙂

Phool,

Wouldn’t it be wonderful if we could simply say “my leg is healed” after a break and it would be so? Or if we were to stare up at the sky and wish the rainclouds away and it becomes sunny? Or if we could just say “I let go of the resentment” and it all fades?

Consider that the time you spend cycling through thoughts and making her actions about you puts into your mind a momentum that you’re now struggling with! It will take diligence and effort, which at least now you’re making! Its been a week and it still hurts? That’s pretty normal in my opinion… keep at it. As you sit in meditation and notice “this is what’s here” and move your mind to the meditation object (such as numbers or the breath) you’re developing spaciousness in mind. When you think about her flirting and make it about you and betrayal, you collapse that space. Keep at it, it takes time.

Can you see how you asked her to get counselling because you need her to change? “Please get counselling so you do not act in a way that hurts me.” Not “that must be painful to have low self worth, maybe there is something you can do to feel better.”. Its still selfish, you feeling uncomfortable feelings and pushing her to act in a way that is more pleasing to you.

That being said, a relationship doesn’t need to be an endurance trial, and if you simply can’t love the true her, the her as she is, maybe it is better to let her go. It isn’t the easy way out, because there is no ‘easy’ path… there is simply the path that leads to further suffering and the path that leads to liberation. The cushion, letting go of painful emotions, letting the cycling thoughts settle… those are the path to be on. With her or without her is between you and your heart.

With warmth,
Matt

Bellamoon,

You ask some great questions! I really like how you are approaching it in a balanced way, acknowledging your own painful moments of missing his “up” times while not making his depression all about you. This leads you into that very normal quandary “how do I help the situation, from my side or his?” Depression is not easy for an intimacy, because it almost “pauses” as one partner disengages.

In my opinion, your side and his side are being looked at separately. From your side, as you say you’re not enlightened, which is really just your mind’s way of justifying its self-centric desires. Said differently, when he separates emotionally its painful, and you don’t like that pain! That’s very normal, and is worth examining, because pain is there to make us alert.

What I see is that you’re accepting the distance, and its that acceptance that is painful. For instance, when he is up, its “we cuddle” and when he is down it is “he is down, I am lonely”. Intimacy is more like a three legged race, where “we” is always existent. Said differently, both of you are impacted by depression in different ways, and that impact is very real for both of you. “We are suffering from depression, what can we do?” This isn’t his burden that you have to work with, it is a burden for the intimacy.

That being said, working with the depression has to happen from both sides. Have you done research? Sometimes it could be something as simple as a vitamin deficiency such as D. Sometimes it could be maladaptive stress coping. Sometimes chemical imbalances in the brain. Have you two been to a doctor? Are you doing anything to moderate the fall?

Consider that just because it arises in his body does not make it his problem. You have the right and responsibility to use your creativity and love to investigate and come up with possibilities. Then, as a couple, perhaps you two would be able to try some of the possibilities. This true of any and all disruptions to intimacy. We don’t demand that changes happen, but we have to honor that current patterns disrupt the connection, which means not only are we wasting time that could be spent loving one another, but communication is critical to the growth of intimacy… and without it, intimacy erodes. This is why staying we-centric is important from your side, because right now he loses that focus for some reason.

Hopefully its obvious that you can’t “change him” or be responsible for his decisions. However, sometimes when people get stuck, they don’t believe anything is wrong or don’t believe they can change their circumstances. This is one of the reasons Buddha said that the sangha was a pillar of enlightenment. Said differently, close relationships are critical in seeing our stuck spots, much like a mirror is important for seeing our face.

Perhaps some time when you two are in a “we cuddle” phase, you could gently take his hand and say “my love, I am suffering with something, could we talk?” and explain your side, reminding him of your unconditional love, as well as your feeling of painful isolation. Perhaps you might ask him what he thinks might help reach him in those moments, what he thinks would help him come back to the “we” view… what he needs in those moments. Then, even if you don’t feel like you’re connected during the next cycle, you’ll at least have a road you can take which will sustain the “we view” from your side.

I wish you luck and success along this road. You may not be enlightened, but your questions reveal a brave and loving woman who is on her way! Namaste!

With warmth,
Matt

Nice link to the 8fp, but consider it is right view that resolves it. When we look at people (or any phenomena really) there is an absence of “type” and only impermanent conditions that have causes which bind them together and the potential for ceasing. Like, John isn’t a judgmental person, he is empty of inherent character, with the conditions of judging impermanently stuck in his head causing him to suffer. When the conditions untangle, so does the suffering. See how silly judging is? Its swinging at air and hitting ourselves in the brain.

Right speech is more guided by “is it true to say, is it necessary to say, is it kind to say”.

Magic, I tell you! Namaste.

Casey,

There are tons of girls who would laugh at your words “texted too much”… many girls would be overjoyed to have so much attention. There is no need to be ashamed of following your inspiration… it sounds like that girl just wasnt a good fit for you. Keep going, keep looking. There are millions of beautiful (inside and out) girls in this world, and any number of them would love the attentions of a young man such as yourself.

If I were to see any of it as a “mistake”, I would say you waited too long after prom to go on another date. Don’t be afraid to ask girls for another date if you want one… if you want to see them again, tell them! They like that. Heck, we all do.

With warmth,
Matt

John,

Do we need to be perfect to deserve love? Do others have to be perfect to deserve our love?

Consider that strength does not come from being perfect, it comes from accepting that we are skillful and unskillful, wise fools, strong in our weakness, unstably stable… learning to grow. So are all of them, including her.

I’ve noticed you’ve had some difficulties with judging others, which is perhaps the karmic feedback you’re suffering with now. When we judge others, we project their judgment back onto us. Perhaps next time you feel she is being critical, instead of fearing “oh no, this means she can’t be with me” you could ask her what she is seeing. Perhaps she is seeing someplace where you can improve, or seeing something she finds endearing. The challenge isn’t to be perfect, its to remain open and curious.

Congrats on finding a someone that tugs your strings, there is always a lot of magic and growth in such times! Also, don’t let the hubbub disrupt your meditation practice… 🙂

With warmth,
Matt

Che,

Whew! I really love how your words capture your point of view, the pain, the chaos, the love, all pouring out of your heart and mind through your words. You have quite a talent! I’m sorry for the difficulty your experiencing, but don’t despair… there is always a path to joy.

It seems there are a few pieces to untangle, so let’s get started! First, I’m sorry to say, you are normal, ordinary, and not as dramatic a case as your head makes you out to be. You fell in love. What you did with that love is both inspiring and foolish, but romantic spirits follow their feelings. This is actually quite impressive! Moving for love, letting go of your job and home to move closer to the one you love… these are amazing! You beat yourself up over it, but I reject that. Outright. Sure, you’ve done dumb things, but jumping off the cliff after the feeling is not one of them… that was proof of your intrepidity and/or courage.

What its grown into is a bit of a monster, however. Sometimes our love can inspire a future dream, which can be very alluring. In the present moment, we are lonely, sad. In the fantasy, we are happy and secure. This makes us wish to stay in the dream rather than facing up to the truth of what is around us. In this case, it seems like in your fantasy the love is returned, and in the present, it is not. This is so painful that you try to avoid it by staying in your dream. So instead of owning your feelings and being honest and open with him, you created a fake personality who was “cool” and “supportive” and “indifferent” and so on. This is very draining to our energy and becomes painful… we are unloved because we are not vulnerable enough to grow it.

The pain in your heart is only there to make you alert. By ignoring it, you’ve stopped self nurturing, which leaves your heart empty and craving. Said differently, our partner doesn’t ever fulfill us, or if they do, the connection becomes unhealthy quickly. The solution for this puzzle is to bring our attention back into the present moment, confront our painful emptiness, and cultivate self love.

See, the Che I see is very different than the Che you see. I see a brave girl, diligent and hopeful, full of potential and skill, yet burdened with ignorance with what to do with her energy. You see a broken and pathetic addict. Neither one of us is “wrong”… its that each of our views is influenced by our past decisions. Where you spend time absorbed in the dream, I spend time on a cushion letting go. This gives me the space to see a balanced view of a person, with both skillful and unskillful patterns present, but not sweeping me into seeing those patterns as permanent or equal to the person. Because you spend time absorbed in the dream, your view is a tense comparison between “what is” and “what is wished”.

So, quitting the drug is not quitting him, but quitting the dream. When you fall into patterns of fantasy, get your butt on a cushion and practice meditation. Ajahn Jayasaro has a great series on YouTube which includes a counting breath meditation that helps an agitated mind find some concentration. If that doesn’t work for you, consider a zen practice of counting heartbeats. The goal is to recognize that your mind is pulling you into the fantasy, and removing your attention from the present moment. This is like a person who is so hungry they shut their eyes, which prevents them from seeing the delectable feast all around them.

Finally, there seems to be a lot of self loathing in your self view. This is both painful and stupid. You’re one of millions of girls who act like you have. Every one of them deserves love, and is not broken or helpless. So, drop it. Instead, realize that you’ve neglected your heart, and so stop neglecting it. As Sammy nurturingly said, love yourself. If you can see that the old pattern didn’t work for you, and left you with an icky view of yourself, perhaps you can let go and try something different.

Perhaps you could go for a walk in nature and try to see the trees, the animals, the bugs, the flowers. Barefoot would be even better! Or, take a bath and spend time massaging and saying nice things to your body. Perhaps you could write a page full of your desires, which have nothing to do with anyone except yourself. What you would like to see as the qualities inside yourself that seem missing or quiet in this moment. Do some activities that are kind for yourself. If you don’t feel better afterward, do another! It will take time and effort, but its pretty clear that when Che wants something, there is almost no end to the creativity and inspiration to see it through. Good luck!

With warmth,
Matt