Angela,

I really like how you’re looking at this from multiple perspectives, and trying to understand the right path. Marriage or not marriage seems like the question, but it also seems irrelevant. There are the social conveniences of being married, and that’s about it.

Unless of course there is something you’re not saying? A deep yearning for it? For instance, if you quiet your mind and ask your heart, does it want it or not? From a Buddhist sense, it really does not make a difference. The important part is your dedication to the intimacy you share with him, which is something you’re already committed to do. Said differently, you seem like you’re married in all but paper, so the pros and cons of the paper are social. My only concern is that when the heart and mind disagree, if the mind wins at first the heart isn’t swayed. If you really want it, and he convinces you (or you convince yourself for him) it could be problematic later on.

It really is up to you!

With warmth,
Matt

Lester,

Your statement that desire is needed is true. When we are hungry, it inspires a desire to eat. This does not mean that all desires are worth pursuing. Sometimes the lesson of the pricker bush is to not push our face into it. One of my teachers said go ahead and follow your desires, but do it with awareness. The unhealthy will naturally fall away.

With warmth,
Matt

Lester,

Its true that desire leads us into the next moment, but there are noble desires, such as those which lead to the betterment of all people, and self-centric desires, which lead to the accumulation of sensually pleasing objects with no regards as to cost.

Some people do not believe that desire for sense pleasure leads to suffering. That’s fine, and you’re correct that it leads to lessons. When we ignore the lessons, we are given other chances to learn. The thing is, the lesson from sense pleasure chasing is being unfulfilled, which is difficult to abandon because being unfulfilled pushes us to replace the lost sense pleasure with new ones. Ie, hungry ghost. Often, one has to cycle down until it is so painful that they abandon it out of pain. The lucky ones, with a mustard seed of faith, hear the truth and quickly see and abandon craving.

Also consider that perhaps some of the innovations, such as the lightbulb, do not represent “dreams of wealth and women” coming true. Rather, some people look at their skill, a need the world has, and attempts to apply their knowledge for the betterment of all. Edison invented many things, but we have no reason to assume he was happy. Or that he wasn’t.

What we do know is that many, many teachers who have looked deeply into the causes and conditions of happiness have stated in one way or another that material/sensual pleasure is not the path to joy. It brings about the pain which inspires the abandonment of that path for the path of joy… but the path itself is cyclical and unsatisfying.

With warmth,
Matt

Alana,

It does sound painful, the place that you’re in, and for that you have my sympathy. I love how you desire authentic happiness for yourself and your children, its a far too rare desire in this world!

David Burns wrote a book “Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy” which can help with the negative self talk. In the absence of the negative self talk, our mistakes are only information that we can use to change our behaviors for next time. In the presence of negative self talk, we can slip into spirals of painful feelings.

For instance, if we cook a grilled cheese sandwich for too long, it will burn and taste icky. One path is “OK, I will cook it less next time and see if that helps”. The other is “I can’t even cook a grilled cheese. Everyone can cook a grilled cheese but me. I want my kids to have a well cooked grilled cheese, and I am failing as a mother. I must conclude that i am a failure as a cook and a person and a mother.”

Burning the toast is really the only way we can learn. You’ve tried drugs as a source of joy and find that they don’t give it. That’s great! Its left some icky taste in your mind, but you learned the lesson and are struggling to cook a better grilled cheese. Alana, I wish you could see yourself through my eyes, because I see bravery, love, commitment, and healing. Don’t be afraid of failure… you’ve been through it before and know your love survives. Your failures are all part of something greater… burnt bread, drug addiction, ishy self-talk, your love of your children, your inherent beauty… all of these are leading you on a path where you are learning to cook.

Remember that you’re not alone! As you struggle with things, don’t be ashamed to ask for help. People suffer just like you, and we all have innovations that might help. You have the courage to jump, and have jumped, so now all that is left is to be patient with yourself as you grow your wings and fly.

With warmth,
Matt

John,

That is a pretty common struggle for many people! Wishing to balance a lay life of family with monastic principles is tough. When I read your words a few things came to heart.

Reality is comprised of layers, and your description of your attraction to women is a great example. Said curtly, it sounds like a superficial view, which is pretty normal. When looking out at reality, the fiery chaos and sparkle of a woman catches our senses and provides great pleasure. We are overwhelmed by their potency, and feel a gravity that seems impossible to avoid. This feeds a cycle of nourishment that always leaves us feeling unfulfilled, yet yearning for more.

The practice that resolves a superficial view is deep looking into selflessness and impermanence. When we begin to let go of the “ooh, pretty sparkly pop art” view of women, we can begin to look at the mature, powerful goddess inside of each woman. Its a little rude to do this with strangers, so we can practice with objects. For instance, we may realize we have a superficial relationship to our chair. So we look deeply. What is really there? What conditions came together that allows that chair to be there for us to sit on?

Thousands of strands of cotton fiber, for instance, means that cotton plants took energy from the sun, co2 from the air and water and grew and grew, so the cotton plant is there with you, the sun is there, the water is there. The farmer who planted and harvested to cotton is there. The grandparents of the farmer is there. The designer or engineer whose art became the chair is there. The teacher of the designer is there. There is a whole symphony of natural interactions that came together just so, and the result is the thing you sit on. As we sit in this view, a natural appreciation arises for the form we call a chair. We realize the chair is really the crest of a wave of conditions, and in sitting in it, we are participating in that continuity. This connection to the chair is significantly more potent than the sensual pleasures involved in seeing a particularly sexy design that maybe is missing a leg or two.

With warmth,
Matt

Kakelina,

In addition to Jerry’s thoughtful and pertinent words, remember that you don’t have to “figure it all out”. Some people have been in relationships for so long they define themselves as part of a whole, instead of whole.

Said differently, going on dates is fun! Good food, new connections, lots of questions and feelings… perhaps its best to let go of a “future Mr. Kakelina” concern and go out and play. Is he cute?

With warmth,
Matt

Adam,

It is said that one of the pillars of development is the sangha, or community of practitioners. When a person does not stay connected to like minded people, the inspiration for practice dissipates. The other two are the dharma (truth) and Buddha (quality of being awake). Its no wonder that it has been difficult to stick with, that happens to all of us.

In regards to not letting others opinions matter so much, consider that it is helpful to remain open. So we do not try to keep the front door shut to keep others’ opinions from mattering. Instead, as we come to understand our own bodies, we learn to keep the back door open so we can let their views pass right through. This is one of the many benefits of meditation, we get practice at honoring what is there and then letting go. Said differently, instead of “your opinion doesn’t matter” it can become “that is your view, and it may have innovations that are helpful or judgments that are not.” We seperate the wheat from the chaff and keep moving, keep flowing.

With warmth,
Matt

Crystal,

It seems like you’ve forgotten how to play! Playfulness is often the remedy for a serious person. Instead of trying to find what was lost, perhaps you could be silly. Flapping our arms like a bird, telling dorky stories, flailing and dancing… we have to let go and let our creativity take over. For me, this happens automatically when I’m playing with my kids. What do you like to play?

Here’s a zen joke:
With the first sip of tea, peace.
With the second sip of tea, clarity.
With the third sip of tea, compassion.
With the fourth sip of tea, a cookie.

With warmth,
Matt