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Matt

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Viewing 15 posts - 1,351 through 1,365 (of 1,399 total)
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  • July 7, 2013 at 3:18 pm in reply to: Emotionally Distant or just Cautious? #38129
    Matt
    Participant

    Alexa,

    That is what his question sounds like to me in not so many words. The phrasing continues to fester in my mind, because asking you to become a possession is… not ideal.

    In terms of coaxing a rabbit out of a hole, patience patience patience. I have heard it described like helping a flower bloom. We pour our love and acceptance like water and rain, and wait for the flower to open. If we become impatient, we try to pull the petals out and can too easily rip the bud apart.

    What to say to that question is up to your heart. What I do with my wife is just say exactly what comes to heart. Much like when we injure our hand our other hand moves to soothe it, when people we love are hurt our heart moves to soothe them. Trust that!

    With warmth,
    Matt

    July 7, 2013 at 1:29 pm in reply to: Emotionally Distant or just Cautious? #38125
    Matt
    Participant

    Alexa,

    It sounds like he has some insecurity about intimacy, and as you remain heartfelt in your communication, the insecurity will perhaps settle. It is difficult to jump in after we have been hurt, and instead of just trusting, we question.

    “Is it safe to love you?” “Will I be hurt?” His question seems awkwardly phrased, but I’m trusting your interpretation. The only response needed is your heartfelt creativity in pouring back to him whatever assurances seem right to you. Trust love!

    With warmth,
    Matt

    July 7, 2013 at 1:10 pm in reply to: broken hearted and feel responsible #38122
    Matt
    Participant

    Sapnegi,

    I’m sorry for your pain and loss, and hope you find peace in time. When we experience heartbreak, it is a good time to get out and do the things we like. Maybe go for a walk, do some gardening, take a bath, listen to classical music… whatever it is that brings us comfort.

    My teacher once told me that when big emotional events happen, it is important to make space for them. When we surround ourselves with the things we enjoy, it can help soothe us. With courage, we can leave the wondering and thoughts of why and how for later… and simply allow healing.

    We know that with other parts of our body instinctively, and we “stay off the leg” after a break. It does heal with time and space, and I hope your heart mends well.

    With warmth,
    Matt

    July 6, 2013 at 12:30 pm in reply to: WHAT SHOULD I DO? #38074
    Matt
    Participant

    Ananya,

    My wife and I had a very similar problem when our relationship began. I misrepresented some relations I had with women, downplaying the connection. The intimacy with those women was platonic, but inspired jealousy in my partner. The way we resolved it was this:

    I promised to be honest and open with her, and she promised to settle the jealousy. With this sacred promise to each other, our relationship had a road to bring up that sticky topic. “My love, I’m fearful to talk about my conversation with ananya, are you open to hearing my view?” This let’s her relax and open so she can see what I see instead of her fears. “My love, I’m jealous. You keep talking to other women and I am scared you are shopping. Are you available to remind me of your love for me?” This lets me see the disturbance in the heart and respond with caring.

    It works for us. I connect with women (and she is here with me) because we have spent the time cultivating acceptance for what comes up between us.

    With warmth,
    Matt

    • This reply was modified 10 years, 9 months ago by Matt.
    July 6, 2013 at 11:23 am in reply to: Getting over a break up #38070
    Matt
    Participant

    Fe,

    You ask a great question! How could he text me hurtful things? Did he ever love me?

    I don’t know his heart, so part of that is something I cannot speak on. However, it reminds me of my child who tells me all of the reasons why she didn’t want that toy I told her she could not have. It is only a guess, but it sounds like he is unskillfully grieving, and those texts are his way of generating distance between the you in his memory and the you that is there. “I never really wanted that Dora toy anyway, I hate Dora.”

    With warmth,
    Matt

    July 6, 2013 at 11:14 am in reply to: I’m to blame. I know this. #38069
    Matt
    Participant

    Lara,

    Thanks for the kind words! I respect that wish not to be a bother, because we see so many people suffering that we don’t wish to add to their burden.

    Part of authentic humility is recognizing that our injuries are a soreness for all of the world. Said differently, everything icky in this world arrives from our collective injuries. Asking for help not only allows you to heal more quickly, it is the best way to honor the suffering of others. When we are whole, our hearts and minds unite and bring light for the darkness. Or seasoning for the meal. 🙂 When we ask for help, we are helping to heal the rifts in intimacy… both in having the courage to open, as well as giving others the opportunity to open back.

    The problem is the small part of our mind thinks “I shouldn’t be this way”. This makes me laugh, because how else could we be? We are or we are not, there is no should. “Should” just means pride or shame is there clouding our humility. In its absence, we are like a rose opening to the world around us as we are nourished by our friends, perceptions, thoughts and actions. That’s enough! Where does it get so complex?

    With warmth,
    Matt

    July 6, 2013 at 9:57 am in reply to: Best friends or more?? #38065
    Matt
    Participant

    Lana,

    You don’t seem confused to me. You can’t predict the future, which is different. :p He is the one who is sorting things out, and is giving tons of mixed signals. Instead of imagining “what do those signals mean for our future”, consider “what do mixed signals say about the man giving them.” He sounds like he is confused, and not sure what he wants, which will take time. From how you describe him, it doesn’t seem like he’s leading you on, rather is healing from a broken intimacy.

    Just make sure to take opportunities to love if they come up, he might only ever be a friend… and you deserve someone who goes gaga for you! 🙂 Either way, you sound like a great friend and that is a precious gift you give to him. Well done!

    With warmth,
    Matt

    July 6, 2013 at 6:27 am in reply to: Best friends or more?? #38057
    Matt
    Participant

    Lana,

    Divorce can be difficult and take some time to heal. I dated a few women who were ready and open far more than I was, even though I thought I was whole. Consider that he might need a friend, but dating and sex might be something that still conflicts in him. Give it time.

    If you’re in pain because he refuses to talk about it, then the pain could be hurting the friendship. When you look at him, do you first see a friend that is confused about romantic love or do you see a man who is unwilling to go the next step with you? It makes a difference! He needs the friend, perhaps give him time and space. Love draws all things together, so if it can be, it will be. Don’t force it. That way, you’re growing your heart.

    With warmth,
    Matt

    July 6, 2013 at 5:51 am in reply to: I’m to blame. I know this. #38056
    Matt
    Participant

    Lara,

    Remember to be gentle with yourself! When we experience pain, sometimes we are angry with ourselves over our decisions, and that anger wishes that we were hard. There is no need for self-criticism. You are a romantic, and so you courageously jumped. That won’t change no matter how much you beat yourself up.

    Its like trying to stop the rain by throwing water at the sky. Consider that it wasnt the jump that generated the pain, it wasn’t your love. Rather, you kept your eyes closed as you jumped. Next time of course you’ll jump, just keep your eyes open!

    For now, perhaps try to let go of the habit of calling yourself names. That’s just pain. You have a powerful heart, and that will never change. It doesn’t make you weak, it is something sacred and special about you!

    With warmth,
    Matt

    July 5, 2013 at 6:12 pm in reply to: Pain Identity: Am I alone? #38039
    Matt
    Participant

    Peoples opinions are just that, a view. Its more like a clenching or grasping at the view. Mine, yours, theirs…

    In reality, they come up and go. Your pain. Your dad. My words. They hold meaning as they are pathways to truth, but they are as transient as we let them be, and as confusing as we make them. Tension to relief to tension to relief. Your condemnation fuels it! Said differently, the bounce is fueled by karma and we suffer. You, me and all of them have the same ability, but struggle with the same clenching in various ways. When we judge instead of unclench, we remain deluded, isolated, spinning.

    There isn’t an exit from the maze, we learn to drop the maze.

    With warmth,
    Matt

    July 5, 2013 at 5:20 pm in reply to: Pain Identity: Am I alone? #38036
    Matt
    Participant

    Well, that’s pretty close. That’s the “blood” from it.

    July 5, 2013 at 5:13 pm in reply to: Pain Identity: Am I alone? #38034
    Matt
    Participant

    Graham,

    Yes, of course. That was my best aim, do you see the arrow?

    With warmth,
    Matt

    July 5, 2013 at 3:03 pm in reply to: Relationship Advice #38028
    Matt
    Participant

    Livesimple,

    If your only thoughts were for him and his happiness, there would not be the stress arising. Perhaps the truth is you are feeling insecure, and want assurance of his caring for you? It might be helpful to realize “I miss him” and leave it at the longing. You seem to be turning that yearning into a fantasy about him.

    When we love someone, we can feel insecure about whether the love is returned. So, we seek their assurance consistently. Instead, we can be the love we wish to see returned. Said differently “I love you and miss you, I hope you’re having a ton of fun.”

    He’s on vacation, which can be disorienting and pull us out of routines. It doesn’t indicate anything else, that is all internal.

    With warmth,
    Matt

    July 5, 2013 at 2:47 pm in reply to: Pain Identity: Am I alone? #38027
    Matt
    Participant

    Graham,

    No, that is not available to you.

    With warmth,
    Matt

    July 5, 2013 at 8:15 am in reply to: Who is the most beautiful/handsome girl/guy you've met? #38013
    Matt
    Participant

    Lester,

    Your questions were far less interesting than your statements. :). Consider that the girl you met and the girl in your head are very different. Her body is full of blood and puss and bones. She gets diarrhea, acts selfishly, and can be vindictive. She is not fueled by rainbows! 🙂

    With warmth,
    Matt

    PS I agree that posting her picture would be highly inappropriate.

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