Magneto,

Have you considered enlisting an accountability partner? A friend or like-minded person who is working towards the same goals you are? Many programs that pursue great change utilize this kind of system because it is highly motivational to have a partner to compare notes with you, inspire you when you’re feeling down, teach you new things and celebrate your accomplishments with you. Is this a possibility in your social circle?

Ashley

Hi Rose Tattoo,

First of all – I feel your pain. I think the grand majority of the human population has been in your situation at one point or another and nobody would say it was easy or fun. It is agonizing. I know the sense of hopelessness. I know you feel like howling inside.

Several years ago, I went through a breakup with a man I was certain I would marry and, two days after the fact, a good friend of mine came over and literally dragged me out of my house. It was the first time I’d left since he and I split. She took me hiking and I cried all the way to the top of the mountain – which is a feat in the thin, Montana air at something like 10,000 ft elevation 😉 When I got to the top, I vividly remember looking out at the valley, all out of tears, and thinking very calmly, “I’m never going to get over this” and the hopelessness of that moment hit me like a truck. It felt 100% true. It felt like that was my new reality and that, every day for the rest of my life, I would have to live with that intense level of heartbreak.

Fortunately, we do move past these things. It just takes time. Sometimes it takes a lot of time. Three years later, I still get sad about that man occasionally. But the difference is that now I know how to take care of myself – and back then I didn’t. That experience taught me how. By far the most important thing you can do right now, dear one, is to treat yourself like you are breakable. Allow yourself to feel these things – allow yourself to cry and be sad – but also remind yourself that you are not alone in this and that you are only human. Reach out to the people you love – no they can’t fix it but they can witness your pain. Eventually, they can help pull you out of the bog. Cook yourself great food or go eat the things you love. I found positive Ted Talks and books like Clarissa Pinkola Este’s “Women Who Run With The Wolves” to be incredibly helpful. If it appeals to you, consider talking to a counselor, they can be fantastic sounding boards who will just compassionately witness your pain and help you move through it.

Above all, just remember that you are doing the best you can, at every single moment. You are brave and the fact that you are even thinking about how to let go from a place of love indicates that you are a huge-hearted and very strong person. It will take time, but you will heal. Be good to yourself, sweetheart.

-Ashley

Hi MollyKat,

First of all – my heart goes out to you. This is a very tough situation that you’re in and it sounds like you’ve been dealing with it very courageously. Guilt is a really brutal emotion and it sounds like your relationship with this man instilled a lot of very complicated things. What I can promise you is this – you did the right thing. Nobody is saying that he is a bad man but he obviously has a good deal of complicated issues of his own and he needs to work through those things. To me, it sounds like he has many deeply rooted sexual issues that have the potential to be very dangerous and abusive – and I know that you have seen those. The baseline is this : as much as you love him, you can’t fix him and the best way that you can help him help himself is by moving on and doing so from a place of love. He needs to come to a solution for his issues organically – on his own – or it will never stick. And you, dear one, just need to take really good care of yourself. Throw out your lines, talk to your friends and family, make or buy yourself good food, get enough sleep, allow yourself to feel all of the emotions but also know that you are incredible and that, when you’re ready, you absolutely will find someone who will match you in strength, integrity and tenderness. All of the best to you.

Ashley

Hi Fred,

I, too, think it’s very brave that you are able to admit that the way you’ve been acting is damaging to your relationship. That takes a big person who is working hard on being conscious, so I hope you can give yourself a pat on the back. Is there a reason that you are adverse to professional help? As someone who has used counselors to work through my own anger issues, I believe that a neutral, outside prospective can often be very helpful in ‘zooming out’ on the issues and then helping you to tackle them from the roots. Regardless of what you choose to do, I wish you all of the best, let us know how you work through this.

Ashley