Hello Julia,

I empathize with you. We’ve all had inexperienced bosses, overly critical micromanagers, and even toxic bosses from hell. It’s great that you have a good relationship with J and he can serve as a mentor to you. Perhaps J could do a better job filtering S’s criticism of you. It wouldn’t be productive for J to share what S is saying behind your back unless it’s useful. Is J providing feedback to S regarding his approval of your work?

Mindfulness meditation can be beneficial for you, Julia. You can practice it at your desk throughout the day just by pausing and focusing on your (belly) breathing. Just a few deep breaths can reap benefits. With practice, mindfulness can empower you to intercept negative thoughts and help you develop mental discipline.

You’re probably aware that the difficult people we encounter can serve our spiritual gurus who teach us important lessons. There’s probably a way for you to help S become a more effective boss. You have many options: Not take his harsh words personally; communicate your concerns in a constructive manner during a one-on-one; cultivate kindness for S, perhaps invite him for coffee or lunch, just to know him better. You may learn that he’s threatened by you, or that he is going through personal issues, or that he’s just dishing out how he was treated by his parents or former bosses.

Since you’re heading for graduate school, you can approach this situation as a management case study for you to learn from and overcome. Either way, I have a strong feeling it will help you grow and to become a good manager down the line.

Peaceful Breathing,

Bill

Hello SpinBunny,

Because your trainer has a girlfriend, your obsession with him is unhealthy. Like any addiction, it’s important to identify triggers and avoid them. The trainer is a trigger for you. As Matt stated, it’s time to find another trainer. Practicing mindfulness meditation can serve as a potent comping mechanism. It will give you the mental discipline to intercept and block thoughts about him.

I also encourage you to think about your trainer’s girlfriend. She’s probably a kind, decent person. If you were in her shoes, would you be comfortable with your boyfriend behavior’s toward one of his clients? And if he’s such a great guy, wouldn’t you think he would have established firmer boundaries?

Additional food for thought: We don’t really know someone until we’ve been through thick and thin with them. Right now, what you share with your trainer is chemistry, physical attraction, and fantasies. For instance, do you know for a fact if he’s the type that would stick by his lover and be her caregiver if she became crippled?

In Kindness,

Bill

Hi Ella,

It sounds like you were closer to your grandfather than to your aunt, so it’s natural that you will grief differently. Our bodies and minds also know how much we can handle at a time, so your state of mind also factors into how you react to unexpected tragic news. I suspect that your grandfather’s death and the other challenges that you have faced have helped you gained insight about yourself and develop better coping skills, which may not be apparent yet. Just be gentle with yourself and avoid any feelings of guilt. Instead, focus on the good times or interactions you had with your aunt. Her spirit (as well as your grandfather’s) will always remain with you.

In Kindness,

Bill _/\_

Hi Laura,

You have received very wise advice here. I would also encourage you to attend the graduation, even if your daughter doesn’t acknowledge your presence there. It may not be evident, but I’m sure some of her friends, classmates, and teachers empathize with you and will admire your dedication as a parent for placing her needs before your own.

Your daughter sounds like she will have to learn some hard life lessons. It’s awfully painful to witness, but the best thing you can do is keep the lines of communication open. That doesn’t mean you approve of her decisions or behavior.

Your husband is hurt and feels rejected, and it is manifesting as anger. Unfortunately, his response is to hurt your daughter back. My advice is to help him re-direct his anger into compassion, perhaps by reminding him that your daughter is physically grown up, but emotionally very confused and doesn’t know how to establish her independence without being rebellious. Remind him of the happy times they shared. That sweet, loving little girl is still inside of her.

There is no tougher job than being a parent to rebellious teens, especially if they’re smart and resourceful. Be good and gentle with yourself. Your inner child needs nurturing as well.

Peace & Serenity,

Bill

Hello cherrymom,

Kudos to you for reaching out to your friends for support. You mentioned going to the doctor. Was this an internist/general practitioner as opposed to a psychiatrist? I ask because, in addition to depression, you mentioned a number of other symptoms, including anxiety and mood changes; hence, it’s important to receive the right diagnosis and treatment.

With so much on your plate, I can understand how meditation can be difficult, especially while contending with an active mind. I’m not sure if your practice include mindfulness and Tonglen meditations, but those help me considerably to calm my mind, control my thoughts, and cultivate compassion for myself and others. Getting in touch with your inner child and comforting it on a regular basis is important as well. It’s great that you have your support circle back home. That’s something to be grateful for. Peace and blessings to you.

Hello Kelly,

You have received amazing support and guidance here already. My advice is for you to avoid blaming yourself in any way for not seeing through the lies and deceit. In fact, I applaud you for being trusting and allowing yourself to be vulnerable. Changing your nature would be a shame. Just learn from the experience. Your ex on the other hand, will live in fear always suspecting that people he (and his future children) comes into contact with are just as immoral as he is. Thanks for sharing the lovely poem.

Bill

Hi Jamie,

Great advice (kind and practical) from Kelly and Big Blue. I would just add that it’s natural to want to hold on to the best parts of a past relationship, such as the friendship, yet we need to maintain firm boundaries in order to move on (which is often two steps forward and one step back). It may help to imagine a close friend coming to you with the same predicament. How would you advise her? That could offer you an objective and healthy perspective. I sincerely hope that at some point you and your ex can reconnect and maintain a healthy friendship. Unfortunately, sometimes friendships are lost because contact will trigger negative emotions for one or both parties. I’m sure you would want what’s best for your ex. If you truly want to check on his well-being, perhaps inquiring with a mutual friend or third party would be better. Be good to yourself.

Bill