Hi Neil,

Your many gifts: talented writer, excellent communicator, marathon runner, intelligent, compassionate, grateful, practical, logical, sensible, plus all those gifts I don’t even know about.

And I’m guessing you are also a pretty nice guy.

You say that before you took your turning you were so happy, loved life, had passion, ambition and valued the important things. And then came the choice and everything changed.

Neil, think back, could it be that in addition to the passion, ambition and love for life, something was off, even back then? I mean, obviously, in comparison to how you feel today your life was better, but could it be that the reason you made the choice at all was because you saw it as a way out from your pain?

People do all kinds of things to escape their pain. And at the time of your choice, you had no idea of what was to come.

When we know better, we do better.

If you find yourself crawling under those massive regrets that have been crushing you and all of your wonderful gifts, and if you would like to post about those feelings, I will listen. I consider you my friend.

How are your daughters?

B

Hi Neil,

You are welcome. I’m so happy you are okay. I was concerned that maybe you weren’t.

Gosh, anyone reading your posts can see your many gifts. Do you see them too? I really hope so.

Thanks for your questions. My life has been busy. How does that happen that life gets so busy? I’ve been consumed with all the things that each day brings — making a living, ensuring that kids (now young adults) are set up for success, keeping up a home, attending to aging parents, being a loving partner and good friend —  it’s a constant juggling act that so many of us have, and some days I feel totally at peace while others leave me overwhelmed. I think that answers your “What have you done?” question. How have I grown? I’ve learned to better accept what I can’t change. You know how it goes — there’s so much pressure in raising kids nowadays, guiding them without controlling them, celebrating with them when they achieve their goals and supporting them when they don’t (ie, college acceptance letters, etc.). Realizing and also accepting that there are things we wish we’d done differently. Next question: my life is fulfilling and enriching every time I witness the people my kids have become. The one word I would use to describe this past year would be “humbling” and yes, that is satisfactory for me. I will keep at it, keep doing my best, knowing that I’m not perfect, learning as I go.

Since my “turning”  I would say that I’ve gotten weighed down by the seriousness of life. I read somewhere that life really isn’t as serious as we make it out to be, but I’m not sure I agree with that. It can be pretty serious if you ask me.

One of my kids is experiencing a recurrence of a physical illness that is worrisome. My husband and I and our family are taking it one step at a time.

What I find is that when we help others, we help ourselves. Thank you for letting me know that I’ve helped you, and you have helped me.

B

P.S. Sorry, I meant partner, not wife.

Lol. I love Inky!

Hi Neil,

I’ve read about people whose unbearable suffering resulted in a spontaneous spiritual awakening that totally freed them of their pain. Spiritual teacher Eckhart Tolle is one such person, or so he says.

But not all of us are so lucky so we need to take matters into our own hands, take responsibility for our own happiness. Many of us will try some of the very things you mentioned: pills, counseling, big life changes, soul searching and gratitude.

Neil, what big life changes have you tried and were you truly committed to each? Progress doesn’t happen overnight, and it takes a strong character to stick to a commitment. I read somewhere that it can take over two months for a new behavior to become a habit. We’ve got to be patient, give things time….and then see what happens.

I recommend making the decision to radically transform your life by practicing mindfulness, meditation, daily exercise, healthy eating, sober living, random acts of kindness, and focusing on helping others. Yeah, I know, blah, blah, blah, you’ve heard these words a million times but I truly believe that if you totally commit to each your life will drastically change for the better. You can’t do this half-way; you’ve got to be all in. I’ve listed 7 practices; that’s 7 separate commitments.

Difficulties (losses, betrayals, disappointments, fears, regrets, guilt, etc.) will of course arise and old familiar habits such as ruminating on your mistakes, flaws, and misfortunes will resurface, tempting you to ditch your commitments. But over time you may recognize these tendencies in yourself and get very good at averting them early on. Also, remind yourself that pain is a part of life, that to be human is to experience difficulties, and your difficulties are what will ultimately transform you. In other words, if spiritual growth is what you want then be thankful for your struggles.

Neil, I remember our earlier correspondence and how intelligent you are. Do you think it’s at all possible that your emotional suffering is a state of mind that you have the power to change if you are patient and truly committed to doing the hard work?

Maybe it all starts with one decision.

I’m glad you’re reaching out!

B

Hi Joe,

I think it’s important that you’re aware that you do this. Many years ago a friend who openly shares about her struggles in her marriage randomly expressed to me her concern that everything may not be okay in MY marriage, and she decided NOT to tell me WHY she would even think this. I was totally blind-sided and confused. Why would she think there’s something’s wrong with my marriage? Is she judging my relationship as not as good as her own? Are people in the community gossiping about this? After many hours of trying to make sense of it my husband and I came to the conclusion that she was only projecting her own unhappy marriage onto us.

But it ruined my day.

This kind of thing is dangerous because if you’re unable to keep these thoughts to yourself then you’ll hurt others and they won’t want to be around you.

B

Hi Karina,

When faced with a situation like this one I choose the response that will leave me feeling good about myself in both the short- and long-term. You don’t want to meet with this lady which makes a lot of sense to me, but ignoring her message will only create more animosity toward you. My goal would be to protect myself (not meet with her) but also to decrease some of the bad blood that’s between these women and me so that I can breathe easier when seeing them around town. So I’d probably respond with something like this:

”Thanks so much for your message. I appreciate it very much. Unfortunately at this time I’ll need to take a rain check. I hope you’re doing well.”

Done! This way you’re decreasing  some of the anger between you and these women, and you’re also keeping the door open in case you learn something new that results in your suddenly seeing the whole situation differently.

Always take the high road.

Just my two cents. 🙂

B