Hi Karina,

It feels unjust because it is unjust. And I understand how much it hurts when you run into those women. So, whenever you can, avoid them. If it’s impossible to do that in a small town then you need to figure out a way to rise above it and stay calm and present when you do run into them. I know you don’t see it now but this situation may be a blessing in disguise for you. You can become so much stronger from it. Like Mary Tyler Moore said, “You can’t be brave if you’ve only had wonderful things happen to you.”

As awful as rejection is, it gives us an opportunity for growth. Hang in there.

B

Mikaylia,

It must have been awful to hear those words from him. I hope you are okay.

B

Hi Mikaylia,

Three huge decisions were made by you and your coworker within what seems to be a relatively short period of time: 1) to start an affair 2) to separate from your spouses 3) to divorce your spouses. Now that his divorce is final, it could be that he’s suddenly seeing clearly how his (impulsive?) decisions have affected others, including his children. Maybe this realization has hit him like a ton of bricks.

Asking to get your things hasn’t ruined your chances with him. I don’t think his behavior has anything to do with you. What I’d do is give him all the space he needs. Pick up your things, tell him you love/miss him, and leave. Give him a chance to regain his footing.

B

Adam,

I’m trying to understand. Before she left the state to see her estranged father she told you she was happy with you but now while with him she has decided she’s no longer happy with you. He has very strict rules and is pressuring her (to do what?) and she is also off her meds at his urging, and you believe that all these things are contributing to her decision to break up with you. Her mother and stepfather also seem to be a factor in her decision to end the relationship with you.

What does she mean when she says “she is too far gone”? And why don’t her parents want her to be with you?

B

Hi Karina,

It’s interesting that your “wronged” friend invited you to the jewelry party. Maybe she’s starting to come around, to understand that she overreacted. What’s annoying is how badly she’s made you feel, even after your tearful apology. You made a mistake, felt terrible about it, and over-apologized for it. You tried to do the right thing but she’s been unforgiving. So I agree that she’s childish, weak, and easily manipulated… and also cruel.

So about tomorrow, if I were you I’d probably put all of the above aside and give her the benefit of the doubt. She’s going through a difficult time in her personal life and who really knows how much of the anger she’s directed at you is really about her sad marriage situation instead. You don’t deserve the cruel treatment you’re getting but her marriage is falling apart and she probably isn’t fully conscious of her behavior. So, no, I would not be fake-nice; I’d be real-nice instead. She’s probably just as nervous to see you as you are to see her so do your best to put her at ease. Give her a hug. Tell her it’s good to see her. Look her straight in the eye and smile.

And keep it short and move on.

Then when it’s time to leave the party you’ll walk away feeling good about yourself.

B

PS – No, I don’t see your not including her in your activities as petty because she’s the one who has distanced herself from you for the past 6 weeks. It is she who has been boxing you out with the exception of the recent evite to the jewelry party, right? When someone is giving me vibes that she doesn’t want to see me, I’m going to respect her wishes.

Hi Karina,

You are welcome and I’m glad the stay-at-home dad was able to confirm some things for you. Thanks for the kind words and yes for me it was one of those experiences that I wouldn’t un-do because it taught me how important it is to not get dragged down by negative thoughts, to observe them and let them go. It takes a lot of work at first but then gets easier.

I too had those imaginary conversations telling those women off, and although putting them in their place would have given me immeasurable satisfaction, it only would have made things worse. I think assertiveness is important but maybe not so much in this context. If certain women are not accepting your heartfelt apology and are now distancing themselves from you, that’s their choice (however warped it may be) and you need to accept it. Confronting them only makes you look desperate which you are not. Get up, dust yourself off, and get on with your life. Like you say, these are not your people.

B

Hi Karina,

The primary reason why I set out to explore mindfulness and meditation years ago was because of the distress brought on by my participation in these parent circles. When my oldest child had reached kindergarten age I was excited to register him in school envisioning nothing but harmony, close friendships with other moms, and volunteering at the school. Boy was I wrong! Here’s how it works in my area: There’s a group of “powerful” parents who basically run the community. The PTA president and her husband run in the same crowd as the board members of little league baseball, president of the athletic booster club, leaders of the boy scouts/girl scouts, president of the district’s fundraising organization, classroom moms, bible study leaders, etc. Many of these people attain their positions by making sizable donations to the organizations they want to lead. And they are all “friends”. They are tailgating together to local college football games, having exclusive parties, seated together at the fundraising events, controlling every aspect of your child’s school events, etc. So anyone in this group is pretty much protected; their kids are assigned to the baseball teams they want to be on, to the classes with the best teachers, and they all have each others’ backs regardless of their bad behavior, and the rest of the parents in the community are their pawns. I know, it sounds crazy and I’d never believe it had I not lived it myself!

So one day you decide that you’re going to take back your power, that you’re not going to play the game anymore. And the very second you do that you are free!

B

I wanted to add that since the purpose of this thread is to find ways to get past your fear, I think your attorney can help you. If you are making the impulsive thing you did into something bigger than it actually is, your attorney should be able to put your mind at ease. If you really do have something to fear should news of what you did get out, your attorney should be able to advise you on how best to protect yourself and proceed forward. Since you are unable to share transparently here on this thread but you can behind closed doors with your attorney, he’s in a much better position to give you the right advice to help you get past your fear.

B