Hi JuliaM,

I don’t think you sound off-balance at all. This is a painful experience.

Do you have any gut instincts as to why she initially pulled away from you? What was happening in both of your lives when you first noticed that she was distancing herself?

B

Hi Karina,

Part of me thinks it’s important that this woman knows exactly why you’re upset with her but I’m not sure meeting for coffee is the way to go. You already know you can’t trust how accurately she’ll describe your conversation to the others, so why set yourself up? Also, there’s a chance you’ll say something you regret which may blow this thing up even bigger. Maybe I’d write her a letter telling her how I feel and while I’m writing it I’d be fully aware that it’ll be shared with others in the group. I would not come across as angry because that could fuel more anger in these women, and I wouldn’t try to make her or anyone else feel bad. I’d keep it very short and I’d chose my words wisely.

There’s a good chance, however, that after writing the letter I wouldn’t send it for several days, maybe a couple weeks, maybe even not at all because there’s another part of me that believes that sometimes these things get worse when we try to fix them. Sometimes they work themselves out on their own if we are patient and can handle the uncertainty of the future. I think that deep down this woman, your friend of five years whom you introduced and welcomed into your group, knows that you are hurt that she didn’t support you when you really needed her to. I mean, how could she not know this?

Albert Einstein once said “You cannot solve a problem from the same consciousness that created it” or something like that anyway which to me means it may be better to wait things out, become more mindful before deciding on the right action to take, if any needs to be taken at all.

Sorry, I wish I had a better answer for you. Take a deep breath and try to calm yourself as best you can. Keep posting here and I’ll answer and maybe some others will too. Hang in there. 🙂

B

Hi Karina,

I completely understand how you feel. Yes, that’s what I was doing too, trying to become friends with the parents of my kids’ friends because I felt that if I wasn’t then my kids would be excluded from activities, birthday parties, play dates, etc. Also because these women were a big part of my social life and I liked being a part of their group. Early on, though, my instincts told me to be wary of some of them; I ignored this in order to keep the friendships going (moms need friendships too!) and because my kids loved their kids. It’s a no-win situation.

And then, of course, once one of them turns on you for a minor human mistake the games start, the gossiping and the pretending. They can look you straight in the eye and pretend with you, try to manipulate you. You know what I mean. And if you react to it they’ll continue behaving this way. So the key is to walk away, let it all go, and to not let it bother you.

But how do you do that? The first book I read on mindfulness was A New Earth by Eckhart Tolle. My problem was that I was ruminating on the unfairness of my situation, felt paralyzed in that I couldn’t properly defend myself and that my kids would suffer as a result. Honestly, I also felt rejected and sad. So this book helped me to get my mind off it, get out of my head. The other thing I would recommend is to get back to meditating, 20 minutes twice a day, and give it at least 3 months before you judge if it’s helping or not. After practicing mindfulness/meditation for a short time I learned that I’m not the one with the problem, they are. I also learned that my kids are fine, that the situation was much worse for me than it was for them.

But I’ll never forget what happened, especially when I see it happening to other unsuspecting moms.

Maybe others here can recommend better ways to get started with mindfulness.

B

Hi Michelle,

You are welcome.

Hang in there.

B 🙂

Hi Michelle,

It reads to me that the impulsive thing you did was merely an attempt to fight back after having to endure harassment and false accusations at the hands of this person. Sometimes when we take this kind of action the person who’s harassing us will stop, but other times it only fuels the fire, makes the person angrier and eager for revenge, especially when he/she may not be mentally well as you indicated may be the case.

My advice is to discuss this with your attorney. In order to competently represent you, your attorney needs to know everything relevant to the case, and the attorney-client privilege ensures that what you disclose to him remains between the two of you only. The truth will set you free!

B

Hi Karina,

You are welcome. I understand how hard this is. My kids are older now but I remember so well the awful pressure associated with fitting in with certain “powerful” moms at my kids’ elementary school, wanting so badly to be included, trying so hard to be considered “worthy” of their friendship. But one day you realize it’s all nuts! Women can be so tough. They get together for lunch or a night out and everything seems great, but then the next day one will begin criticizing another behind her back for such an innocent transgression. Just one comment interpreted the wrong way by just one woman can mean the beginning of the end of the poor woman who made the comment. And it’s all done in such a sneaky, snaky, covert way, labeling another as “loser” without being seen as a bully. Face it, some women, no matter what they do, are going to become targets, and other women who do the exact same things will be forgiven and celebrated. It’s totally bizarre. But I’ve been there, seen the body language, excluding, ignoring, eye-rolling, you name it, and I survived! 🙂

Hang in there, always take the high road, and know that it gets so much better when your kids hit high school.

B

Hi Karina,

The two women who told you about the separation had no right to share that sensitive information with you. They put you in a situation you shouldn’t have been in. So that was their first mistake, and their second was not being clear with you about how “top secret” the info was.

Your mistake was assuming it was okay to tell others, but in your defense you thought it was already public information. You mentioned that while telling the others, your conversation wasn’t mean-spirited but more “concerned”. A big lesson to learn here is that when you are genuinely concerned about a friend, go directly to that friend without involving anyone else.

Friends make mistakes and forgive each other. That’s what they do. When they don’t, the friendship ends. You have recognized your mistake and apologized to her. What more can you do? Nothing, so stop beating yourself up. She’s making too much of this.

B

Hi Jane,

When I look at my friend’s situation it seems to me that her son is rewarding his dad for giving him money and punishing his mom for not giving him money. His dad’s reward is a relationship with his son and his mom’s punishment is no relationship. That’s how it appears to me but it could be far more complex than that.

Maybe your situation is a little something like that too: you refused his request for money last week so he’s going to punish you by not talking to you. Your goal is to re-open a dialogue with him without giving him money, and if it were me I’d probably write him a letter telling him my honest feelings which I think you said you were planning to do, and then the decision about re-opening the dialogue is his to make. Ball’s in his court. There’s really nothing more you can do because you need to hold firm on your decision to not give him money.

I see it gets complex when you factor in that he’s probably also using your guilt to get money because this has worked for him in the past so why stop doing what’s been working? So the longer he goes without speaking to you the more you probably beat yourself up for the mistakes you’ve made, and he knows this. He wants this. Yes, you’ve made mistakes that have affected him and I don’t mean to minimize those mistakes but the key now is that you acknowledge that you made them. And guess what….we all make mistakes as parents.  We mess up but we learn and we get back on track no matter how late in the game. Make a decision today to be the parent you want to be. This means put it all out there, all the stuff you two aren’t talking about, things that have been brushed under the rug, and start the healing for the both of you. Do your best to make things right with him. This is what I would do. As painful as it may be to rehash the tough stuff, you’ve got to do it especially if he won’t do it (with or without you) in therapy, and if it’s too explosive a situation then put it all in a letter to him and then send it.

I think sometimes adult kids cut off their parents when the kids 1) see only one side of their childhood story, 2) don’t see any improvement/change in their parents’ behavior, and 3) believe that their parents didn’t/don’t love them.  So help him to understand the other side of the story, show him you know you’ve messed up but you’ve learned and changed, and let him know you love him and want what’s best for him. Then you’ve done all you can do. He can decide what happens next. And you can move on with your life knowing you’ve done your best.

B