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BrandyParticipantHi Karina,
It feels unjust because it is unjust. And I understand how much it hurts when you run into those women. So, whenever you can, avoid them. If it’s impossible to do that in a small town then you need to figure out a way to rise above it and stay calm and present when you do run into them. I know you don’t see it now but this situation may be a blessing in disguise for you. You can become so much stronger from it. Like Mary Tyler Moore said, “You can’t be brave if you’ve only had wonderful things happen to you.”
As awful as rejection is, it gives us an opportunity for growth. Hang in there.
B
BrandyParticipantHi Karina,
What I’ve learned about women groups is that when one member doesn’t behave the way the others expect her to then that member is eventually pushed out. The only way to survive is to play the game. In other words, you can’t ever be perceived as a threat in any way to the queen bee or anyone who’s close to her or your days in the group are numbered. But you’re not a game player, you have a mind of your own, and they know this about you. They know that you are not easily manipulated. I think you were going to be pushed out eventually anyway and they are simply using your minor mistake as an excuse to do it because honestly it’s all so ridiculous. I mean, everyone has done what you did! Everyone has made the mistake of talking about something that he/she shouldn’t have. And you apologized over and over again! So anyway, this is the way women groups work, unfortunately.
Yes, I believe they will eventually get back from the universe what they put into it. A person can only treat other people badly so many times before it all catches up with him/her. Their time will come. I believe that deep down each one of these women knows she’s been behaving badly but her fear of being ostracized from the group herself is stronger than the guilt she feels about hurting you.
Maybe now is the time to reframe it as YOU not wanting anything to do with any of THEM. Seriously, they are not that great. Say to yourself thank goodness I’m free of the mean women in that group! You are now free of worrying how what you say and do will be judged and gossiped about by them. Realize that what you have now is so much better than what you had with them. You are free! As we get older we realize how important it is to surround ourselves with people who lift us up, that the quality of our friendships is so much more important than the quantity. And shame on those judgmental mean women for making you feel the way you do.
Oh and be careful not to base your sense of self on how you perceive these women now see you (“Looking Glass Self” concept). We ALL make mistakes, are all flawed, but they are trying to convince you that you’re the only one. Don’t believe them!
B
BrandyParticipantMikaylia,
It must have been awful to hear those words from him. I hope you are okay.
B
BrandyParticipantHi Lost Soul,
You are welcome. Communicating here on TB may provide you with short breaks from the overwhelming thoughts and emotions that are exhausting you. There’s another way to get short breaks: When unpleasant memories pop into your head, decide not to engage them. When you engage them you feel the difficult emotions all over again and again and again. It’s exhausting! Instead, picture your thoughts as puffy white clouds passing in the sky. Just let them come and go. Be an objective observer of the puffy white “thought clouds” coming and going. Detach from them.
The more you practice this, the easier it gets.
B
BrandyParticipantHi Mikaylia,
Three huge decisions were made by you and your coworker within what seems to be a relatively short period of time: 1) to start an affair 2) to separate from your spouses 3) to divorce your spouses. Now that his divorce is final, it could be that he’s suddenly seeing clearly how his (impulsive?) decisions have affected others, including his children. Maybe this realization has hit him like a ton of bricks.
Asking to get your things hasn’t ruined your chances with him. I don’t think his behavior has anything to do with you. What I’d do is give him all the space he needs. Pick up your things, tell him you love/miss him, and leave. Give him a chance to regain his footing.
B
BrandyParticipantHi Lost Soul,
I’ll be your friend! 🙂
B
BrandyParticipantAdam,
I’m trying to understand. Before she left the state to see her estranged father she told you she was happy with you but now while with him she has decided she’s no longer happy with you. He has very strict rules and is pressuring her (to do what?) and she is also off her meds at his urging, and you believe that all these things are contributing to her decision to break up with you. Her mother and stepfather also seem to be a factor in her decision to end the relationship with you.
What does she mean when she says “she is too far gone”? And why don’t her parents want her to be with you?
B
BrandyParticipantHi JuliaM,
I don’t think you sound off-balance at all. This is a painful experience.
Do you have any gut instincts as to why she initially pulled away from you? What was happening in both of your lives when you first noticed that she was distancing herself?
B
BrandyParticipantHi Karina,
It’s interesting that your “wronged” friend invited you to the jewelry party. Maybe she’s starting to come around, to understand that she overreacted. What’s annoying is how badly she’s made you feel, even after your tearful apology. You made a mistake, felt terrible about it, and over-apologized for it. You tried to do the right thing but she’s been unforgiving. So I agree that she’s childish, weak, and easily manipulated… and also cruel.
So about tomorrow, if I were you I’d probably put all of the above aside and give her the benefit of the doubt. She’s going through a difficult time in her personal life and who really knows how much of the anger she’s directed at you is really about her sad marriage situation instead. You don’t deserve the cruel treatment you’re getting but her marriage is falling apart and she probably isn’t fully conscious of her behavior. So, no, I would not be fake-nice; I’d be real-nice instead. She’s probably just as nervous to see you as you are to see her so do your best to put her at ease. Give her a hug. Tell her it’s good to see her. Look her straight in the eye and smile.
And keep it short and move on.
Then when it’s time to leave the party you’ll walk away feeling good about yourself.
B
PS – No, I don’t see your not including her in your activities as petty because she’s the one who has distanced herself from you for the past 6 weeks. It is she who has been boxing you out with the exception of the recent evite to the jewelry party, right? When someone is giving me vibes that she doesn’t want to see me, I’m going to respect her wishes.
BrandyParticipantHi Karina,
Part of me thinks it’s important that this woman knows exactly why you’re upset with her but I’m not sure meeting for coffee is the way to go. You already know you can’t trust how accurately she’ll describe your conversation to the others, so why set yourself up? Also, there’s a chance you’ll say something you regret which may blow this thing up even bigger. Maybe I’d write her a letter telling her how I feel and while I’m writing it I’d be fully aware that it’ll be shared with others in the group. I would not come across as angry because that could fuel more anger in these women, and I wouldn’t try to make her or anyone else feel bad. I’d keep it very short and I’d chose my words wisely.
There’s a good chance, however, that after writing the letter I wouldn’t send it for several days, maybe a couple weeks, maybe even not at all because there’s another part of me that believes that sometimes these things get worse when we try to fix them. Sometimes they work themselves out on their own if we are patient and can handle the uncertainty of the future. I think that deep down this woman, your friend of five years whom you introduced and welcomed into your group, knows that you are hurt that she didn’t support you when you really needed her to. I mean, how could she not know this?
Albert Einstein once said “You cannot solve a problem from the same consciousness that created it” or something like that anyway which to me means it may be better to wait things out, become more mindful before deciding on the right action to take, if any needs to be taken at all.
Sorry, I wish I had a better answer for you. Take a deep breath and try to calm yourself as best you can. Keep posting here and I’ll answer and maybe some others will too. Hang in there. 🙂
B
BrandyParticipantHi Karina,
You are welcome and I’m glad the stay-at-home dad was able to confirm some things for you. Thanks for the kind words and yes for me it was one of those experiences that I wouldn’t un-do because it taught me how important it is to not get dragged down by negative thoughts, to observe them and let them go. It takes a lot of work at first but then gets easier.
I too had those imaginary conversations telling those women off, and although putting them in their place would have given me immeasurable satisfaction, it only would have made things worse. I think assertiveness is important but maybe not so much in this context. If certain women are not accepting your heartfelt apology and are now distancing themselves from you, that’s their choice (however warped it may be) and you need to accept it. Confronting them only makes you look desperate which you are not. Get up, dust yourself off, and get on with your life. Like you say, these are not your people.
B
BrandyParticipantHi Karina,
I completely understand how you feel. Yes, that’s what I was doing too, trying to become friends with the parents of my kids’ friends because I felt that if I wasn’t then my kids would be excluded from activities, birthday parties, play dates, etc. Also because these women were a big part of my social life and I liked being a part of their group. Early on, though, my instincts told me to be wary of some of them; I ignored this in order to keep the friendships going (moms need friendships too!) and because my kids loved their kids. It’s a no-win situation.
And then, of course, once one of them turns on you for a minor human mistake the games start, the gossiping and the pretending. They can look you straight in the eye and pretend with you, try to manipulate you. You know what I mean. And if you react to it they’ll continue behaving this way. So the key is to walk away, let it all go, and to not let it bother you.
But how do you do that? The first book I read on mindfulness was A New Earth by Eckhart Tolle. My problem was that I was ruminating on the unfairness of my situation, felt paralyzed in that I couldn’t properly defend myself and that my kids would suffer as a result. Honestly, I also felt rejected and sad. So this book helped me to get my mind off it, get out of my head. The other thing I would recommend is to get back to meditating, 20 minutes twice a day, and give it at least 3 months before you judge if it’s helping or not. After practicing mindfulness/meditation for a short time I learned that I’m not the one with the problem, they are. I also learned that my kids are fine, that the situation was much worse for me than it was for them.
But I’ll never forget what happened, especially when I see it happening to other unsuspecting moms.
Maybe others here can recommend better ways to get started with mindfulness.
B
BrandyParticipantHi Karina,
The primary reason why I set out to explore mindfulness and meditation years ago was because of the distress brought on by my participation in these parent circles. When my oldest child had reached kindergarten age I was excited to register him in school envisioning nothing but harmony, close friendships with other moms, and volunteering at the school. Boy was I wrong! Here’s how it works in my area: There’s a group of “powerful” parents who basically run the community. The PTA president and her husband run in the same crowd as the board members of little league baseball, president of the athletic booster club, leaders of the boy scouts/girl scouts, president of the district’s fundraising organization, classroom moms, bible study leaders, etc. Many of these people attain their positions by making sizable donations to the organizations they want to lead. And they are all “friends”. They are tailgating together to local college football games, having exclusive parties, seated together at the fundraising events, controlling every aspect of your child’s school events, etc. So anyone in this group is pretty much protected; their kids are assigned to the baseball teams they want to be on, to the classes with the best teachers, and they all have each others’ backs regardless of their bad behavior, and the rest of the parents in the community are their pawns. I know, it sounds crazy and I’d never believe it had I not lived it myself!
So one day you decide that you’re going to take back your power, that you’re not going to play the game anymore. And the very second you do that you are free!
B
BrandyParticipantHi Michelle,
You are welcome.
Hang in there.
B 🙂
BrandyParticipantI wanted to add that since the purpose of this thread is to find ways to get past your fear, I think your attorney can help you. If you are making the impulsive thing you did into something bigger than it actually is, your attorney should be able to put your mind at ease. If you really do have something to fear should news of what you did get out, your attorney should be able to advise you on how best to protect yourself and proceed forward. Since you are unable to share transparently here on this thread but you can behind closed doors with your attorney, he’s in a much better position to give you the right advice to help you get past your fear.
B
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