July 5, 2019 at 4:43 pm #302093
I did something wrong, I had an affair with a coworker. I separated from my husband and pursued a coworker who then did the same for me. We both asked our spouses for divorces. Meanwhile from December until June we were exclusively seeing each other and at one point lived together until he said he wanted to do things to right way, so we lived separately. Our living together was also causing tension in his divorce because his kids would talk about me to his ex and it would infuriate her and cause problems between them. My divorce was final in April, which was when he wanted to live apart, and his JUST became final the end of June. Since his divorce, he didn’t speak to me, we haven’t “hung out” together for 3 weeks, and haven’t spoken for 2 weeks. My messages went ignored, I didn’t blow up his phone and gave him space until today.
I still have things at his house, so I messaged him and said “when would be a good time for me to get the rest of my things?” And he said we can decide on a time together that it may be next week. So I was firm and gave a specific time and day. So that’s a few days away (3 days) and I’m hoping that it will give him time to think our relationship through.
We spoke of the future together, he was the first to say “I want to marry you”, he’s truly the only person I want to be with for the rest of my life. I’m 26, and he just turned 34. We’ve met each other’s children. I truly want to do what I can to make our relationship work.
I know that he loves me. But since he has became divorced he hasn’t said much to me OR some of his friends. We have a mutual friend who said his texts ALSO went unanswered until he ran into him in person. On the day he got divorced he didn’t even tell me, but I went to the gym and turned my location on for my friends to see, then he shows up at the gym 20 minutes later, and I checked and he opened Snapchat again, so I think he followed me to the gym? We chatted like casual for a little bit about his weekend, then I left and he followed me out and came out to my car, I asked for a kiss and he did, then he kissed me goodbye.
Im worried I messed up by saying I wanted to get my things from his house, should I use this as a time to talk to him about how he’s feeling in person, or just get my stuff and leave? I’m fighting back texting him because i want this to be time for him to think, but I wish I wouldn’t of said anything.
I miss him, I love him. If he needs patience and wanted me to wait for him I would, but he’s essentially ghosted me the past few weeks. I know for a fact he doesn’t want his ex back, they weren’t right for each other so I’m not worried about that being the reason. But I think he’s depressed but he’s shutting me, and other people completely out until we see him in person.
i need advice? Did I ruin my chances?July 5, 2019 at 6:24 pm #302109BrandyParticipant
Three huge decisions were made by you and your coworker within what seems to be a relatively short period of time: 1) to start an affair 2) to separate from your spouses 3) to divorce your spouses. Now that his divorce is final, it could be that he’s suddenly seeing clearly how his (impulsive?) decisions have affected others, including his children. Maybe this realization has hit him like a ton of bricks.
Asking to get your things hasn’t ruined your chances with him. I don’t think his behavior has anything to do with you. What I’d do is give him all the space he needs. Pick up your things, tell him you love/miss him, and leave. Give him a chance to regain his footing.
BJuly 5, 2019 at 6:45 pm #302117MarkParticipant
Common therapeutic wisdom is to never start a new relationship until the current one is totally over. The rule-of-thumb is to date one year (4 seasons) after the divorce has been finalized (not after separation), i.e. divorce papers have been signed.
You both cheated (I am assuming that neither respective still-married spouses knew about the affair) which made a shaky foundation for a new relationship to begin with. This is an observation not a judgement.
I would think that if the relationship hinges on whether or not you ask him about your things then it is not a strong relationship to begin with. Having clear and empathetic communication in any relationship is key. If his way to communicate is to avoid, shut out, and ghost then that makes for a sucky way of having a close and caring relationship. However I do not think that is the reason.
His pulling back probably is his realization that now he is single that he is free to figure out who he is without a partner. This is why therapists recommend a year after the divorce so that the person can freely and fully explore who they are as an unattached individual rather than being tied to another person/partner. There also has to be a period of separation and grief regardless of how “done” they were with the marriage. It is still quite an adjustment not to be married anymore especially if you were married for a long time.
July 6, 2019 at 5:42 am #302133InkyParticipant
- This reply was modified 1 year ago by Mark.
Now that he is divorced, this is the first time he’s been himself, single, for quite a long time.
You made two mistakes: seeing him while he was technically married and moving in with him.
You, my dear, represent the end of his marriage, the end of a time of life. Not the beginning of a new one.
Everyone gets hung up on the Things. Things are things. Not pawns for hostage negotiations. He’s grieving the end of his marriage, and/or figuring out his new way of life, and you go asking about the banality of Things. He is not fooled. He knows that the talk of your Relationship (or lack thereof) is inevitable.
I say pick up your Things, tell him you have to run (school play/sick mother/picking kid up/something in the oven). This way he will talk about the relationship at a later date. If he wants to. If he chooses to.
Then ghost him as long as he had ghosted you. A few weeks later, perhaps return a text.
Then begin again. If you’d want to??
InkyJuly 6, 2019 at 7:06 am #302153
What excellent three replies you received!
This time in his life, leading to the divorce and post divorce, is a troubled, painful time for him. I tend to think that he associates you with that troubled, painful time, like Inky suggested and so, he withdrew from you. As he interacts with his ex wife and children, you may be considered the problem by all of them.
That’s what happens when you date and live with a married man with children, and his wife and children know about you, you get to be the Problem in the minds of all of them.
I hope to read more from you.
anitaJuly 6, 2019 at 8:19 am #302165PeggyParticipant
When you met, you and this person were both looking for something that your respective marriages weren’t providing. Before long, you moved in together and all the children became involved. Children want their parents together and resent the intrusion of another person into what was their family unit. This is bound to cause tensions.
At this stage, I would advise that you collect your things as arranged and try to avoid discussing this non-existent relationship. People get depressed when their lives don’t go to plan. Divorce signals the end of all your hopes and dreams for the future that you once shared with your spouse. It’s a loss and there is a grieving process to go through. You don’t have a choice other than to let this happen.
I know it’s tough when you’ve invested your emotions into someone but you now have to withdraw as this person has done. I’m afraid there is nothing you can do to make this relationship work. It’s in the past. You can live in hope that he might come back to you one day or you can move on.
PeggyJuly 6, 2019 at 9:08 am #302169
Reading everyone’s responses was more calming for me, I’m dedicated to picking up my things, telling him I miss him and love him, then leaving without discussing our relationship because either way he’s not in a good place mentally to make any decisions about us at this time.
Im gonna give him space and if he wants me back, he’ll come to me.July 6, 2019 at 9:51 am #302177
As you gather your things, maybe it is a good idea to tell him that you understand that he is not in a good place, that he needs his space, that you love him but you will be giving him space, hoping he will be back to you, but knowing it may not happen, that he may not be back to you.
Then ask him if you understood correctly. If he says Yes, then you know the situation, if he says No, listen to what he says and post his answer here, if you want input on it.
July 6, 2019 at 11:17 am #302195
- This reply was modified 12 months ago by anita.
Thank you so much! I feel like this is the perfect thing to say! I will keep you updated.
July 6, 2019 at 12:13 pm #302209
- This reply was modified 12 months ago by Mikaylia.
You are very welcome. I will be looking forward to your update!
* will be back to the computer in about 17 hours from now.
anitaJuly 7, 2019 at 4:10 am #302225PeggyParticipant
I hope your plan works out. I just wanted to put forward a word of caution – If you make yourself too available, this person can dally for as long as he wants to. As you and Anita seem to have formed a strong connection, I will end my posts here.
All the best
PeggyJuly 8, 2019 at 4:39 pm #302459
I was hoping to get closure today, but 30 minutes before I was supposed to come over to get my things he said “Hey, I’m not sure tonight will work I’ve gotta go to the expo (forgot the rodeo was going on this week).”July 8, 2019 at 6:13 pm #302469
Yes, the rodeo was going here too last Saturday, maybe still. Well, too bad, have patience, and make a second appointment with him. Post here anytime you want to share about what you think and how you feel. I will be glad to read and reply to you.
anitaJuly 8, 2019 at 9:17 pm #302479
He called me on the phone tonight and said “he couldn’t be with me because his parents would never approve because of the affair we had and he couldn’t be dating a coworker.” But that there were serious feelings there.July 8, 2019 at 11:15 pm #302487BrandyParticipant
It must have been awful to hear those words from him. I hope you are okay.