Hi Jane,

You are welcome. I think you’re doing all the right things, and I share your sentiments about the societal expectations of parenting. It’s terrible to be judged negatively by others, especially for those who are already blaming themselves. Recently there have been a series of unfortunate incidents in my community where the foolish actions of a few teenagers have resulted in some very negative gossip about their parents. Instead of being compassionate, there are many in the community who have become self-righteous and judgmental, and without even knowing all the facts! So I understand what you’re saying.

So just let people think what they want. Let all the extraneous b.s. drop away so that you can focus on what’s really important: you and your son. Has he had professional counseling to work through some of his troubles? And what about you? I ask because this is a common problem for parents of adult children, one that trained psychologists deal with every day.

It’s possible that indeed your son has been punishing you as you had mentioned. All the more reason to take responsibility for your mistakes and apologize for them. If he’s angry, maybe this will dissolve some of that anger. If I were you I’d do my best to keep communicating with him without compromising my own standards, just like you’re already doing. I would give him advice only when he asks for it, and I’d check in with him often because I care about him and love him. But, and you already know this, you can only do so much, and he needs to learn from his own mistakes and start making better choices or else, well, find himself on the streets, and as a parent myself it pains me to type those words.

I’m sorry you’re going through this.

B

Hi that-girl-next-door,

Your sister’s not happy in her marriage but isn’t ready to end it. She knows you disapprove of her husband, but he’s still her husband, so your disapproval just makes life more miserable for her. Don’t get me wrong, I believe you have good reason to disapprove of him. He’s been disrespectful, the two of them have had “physical fights” which is just plain wrong in any relationship, and the age difference is concerning. But still, she chooses not to leave him.

I think that until she chooses to leave him you should probably try hard to focus on this guy’s good qualities and show him some love, you know, the kind of love that someone who accepts her sister’s choice in a partner would have. As difficult as it may be, it’ll make your sister’s life easier. If it were me I’d try my best to simply accept the situation she’s in without trying to fix it, make sure he feels loved and included, and not bad-mouth him to her. She already knows how you feel about him. Give her all the support she needs.

I think it starts with a note that includes an apology for not accepting her decisions, a statement about how much you miss having her in your life, and an invitation to the two of them to have dinner or something.

B

Hi sadman11,

I believe it’s never too late to recognize our mistakes and to make things right with other people. You are not the first person to project your own self-hatred onto another person. It happens every day and in every town. Make things right with her, not because you want to get her back but because it’s the right thing to do. Rewrite your original post as a letter to her. Let her know that you’re aware of your issues and that you’re going to get help for them. Let her know she’s done nothing wrong, that she has a right to feel hurt and insulted by the things you’ve said and done, and that you very much regret doing those things. Apologize to her, and then wish the best for her and let her go.

Next, forgive yourself, right now, and become the person you want to be. Yep, you get to decide who you want to be. It’s a decision that you get to make every day before you get out of bed in the morning.  And then be that person. Every single day.

What I see through your writing is a broken man who sees himself as a monster. I don’t see a monster at all. I see a good person who’s in a lot of pain.

B

Gia,

I think I’ve dealt with this same woman myself…haha. Seriously though, Mark is right, some people are unhappy/rude/angry and unfortunately we’re forced to deal with them to get our jobs done. Don’t let her get to you.

She’s communicating to you that she’s more powerful than you are in this office. That’s why she refuses to move when the two of you are stuck in the same narrow walkway in the office; she’s insisting that YOU move first. She has your daily work plan and she knows you need it so she’s going to make you squirm before you get it. This is classic passive-aggressive behavior. Recognize it, see it for what it is, but don’t let it bother you. It’s not personal. She’s done this before.

I like both anita’s and Mark’s responses. I had to chuckle while reading anita’s because I’ve actually done what she suggested (minus using the f-word…lol) and it worked! It really did. The key is in the confident, bold, solid eye contact which will clearly communicate to this woman: game on! Whenever you see her be sure to hold the eye contact until she looks away. You’re stronger than you think you are and she’s weaker than she lets on.

Whatever you decide to do, the real key is to figure out a way to not let this get to you. I suggest meditating for 20 minutes before you go into the office and then again when you get back home. Be above this nonsense.

B

Hi oldboy,

Your love stories have each caused you unspeakable pain and I certainly understand why you’d be angry. Your last two relationships, gosh, it’s hard to even put into words what I want to say about them. You find out that you’re going to be a father but are then told that you’re not needed after all. I find it cruel on so many levels and wish it didn’t happen. And as for your most recent relationship, I can almost feel your excitement at knowing you’ll be seeing this lovely woman whom you haven’t had contact with for some time, and also your pain when she abruptly cancels on you. It’s disappointing and confusing.

It’s amazing (not in a good way) how deeply other people can hurt us. I’m so sorry you’re on this rollercoaster again.

B

P.S. Your English is far better than “understandable”. 🙂

Hi sadman11,

She was drinking and with this guy and they were parked at night in a park and took a nap together.

Well, I would have flipped out too if I were you! It’s not okay for a woman to be committed to one guy and then take a nap with another at night in a park . You say “nothing happened” but something did happen: she took a nap at night with another guy in a park while she was committed to you. So you want to know how to trust her again and to be sure that you two will have a long-lasting healthy relationship? Sorry, I wouldn’t know how to do that either. Trust your instincts.

B

Hi Elizabeth,

I’m so glad you came back to your thread, and I’m so glad you went out on that date! It’s okay to compare him to your husband. That’s normal! And of course he’s really into you….because you are loveable. Keep interacting with people. You may notice things now that you normally wouldn’t. Sometimes it takes going through a very difficult time to awaken us to the goodness in people and to all the beauty that’s out there.

All of your feelings — still in love your husband, in an unhealthy mental place, unmotivated to care of yourself — make perfect sense to me. Just keep getting out of bed, showering, and getting yourself into work each day….oh, I forgot, and brushing/flossing too :).

Stick to the basics for now. You’re doing just fine.

B