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BrandyParticipantHi Elizabeth,
I have been thinking about you.
Whether or not your husband decides to give your marriage another try, you may need some help on how to survive right now.
1. Your job will save you. It will force you each morning to wake up, shower, get dressed and get out of the house. Interact with your co-workers (as annoying as they may be). Treat everyone with respect in spite of any bad working relationships you may have with them. Help everyone out as much as you can. Become the “go-to” person. Throw yourself into your work especially if this is a long term career for you. Be diligent and thorough. Become an expert at what you do. If others ask you to go to lunch with them, go. If they don’t, don’t worry about it, bring your own lunch.
2. Stop drinking alcohol. Cold turkey, 100%, stop. This may be very difficult to do and I don’t believe for a second that you’re an alcoholic. I think most people should just stop drinking. Alcohol is a depressant and will ultimately make everything worse. It makes getting up in the morning worse, makes your skin worse, makes your thoughts worse, makes your body worse, oh I could go on and on.
3. See a doctor. Get a physical. Make sure everything is good. Talk to him/her about your situation. Ask for advice. If he/she recommends therapy, get the name and number of a good therapist.
4. Start running. I mean it. Become a runner. Buy running shoes, get outside, run every day. Give it 2 months. It just may transform your life.
5. Start eating the right foods. You’re down 20 lbs and may not be getting enough nourishment. This may be affecting your energy level and disposition big time. Make sure you’re getting enough electrolytes in your diet (magnesium, potassium, etc.). Look at food as a way to nourish your body and your mind. Think about taking a daily multi-vitamin.
6. Get a good night’s sleep. This one’s HUGE. If you’re running every day, eating well and not drinking alcohol, you will sleep better. Lack of sleep affects everything.
7. Start meditating. Twice a day every day. There’s so much online to get you started. Give it 2 months. It just may transform your life.
8. Stop comparing yourself to her. You see her as “young, vibrant, easy to talk to, bright light for his business”, and right now he’s very drawn to all of those things, but the day will come when the two of them look into each other’s eyes and see only one thing: a weak character. It’s the biggest thing they have in common. They’re both cheaters. No matter how far this relationship goes, in the back of each of their minds they’ll always know that they can’t trust each other, and he’ll always remember that it was you he could trust.
9. Keep posting on your thread. Every day if you need to. Don’t bottle up your feelings. Think of this forum as a journal.
B
BrandyParticipantHi Elizabeth,
You haven’t pushed me away at all. I’m always here whenever you need some support. I don’t think you’re a sh**** person at all. Not even close! 🙂
B
February 13, 2019 at 10:44 am in reply to: How to deal with emotions past rocky on-and-off relationship? #280039BrandyParticipantHi Hella,
Yeah, I just don’t know. My gut says that if it destroys you to see him then stay home, but if being at home instead of with your friends will cause you even more unhappiness, go. I guess it comes down to how important these friends are to you. If they lift you up, make you feel good about yourself, genuinely care about you and your wellbeing, then it’s important to maintain these friendships. If these people are just okay, not all that great but your only hope for a social life in this area, then you’ll have to decide if hanging out with them is worth what seeing him does to you.
I still like that you’re not sharing your true feelings about him with this group and instead confiding in only your close friends who do not live in your area. Making your feelings known will only create drama and weirdness within the group, I think, and not badmouthing him to this group (his group) shows a lot of strength and integrity on your part. Research good relaxation techniques, ways to be okay with the difficult thoughts/feelings your having. Decide today that this guy no longer has any power over you, can’t draw you in to his seductive, twisted game. When you see each other, say hello but then move on to the others. Don’t linger there with him. Send a signal that you think he’s nothing special, then open yourself up to the possibility that he really is nothing special.
B
BrandyParticipantHi Elizabeth,
Many years ago my husband’s close friend (I’ll call him C) got married and within two years his wife left him for another man. C stayed with us while he was finding another place to live and the three of us talked a lot about what was happening and how he was feeling. He wasn’t angry with his wife because he blamed himself for all that had happened. C’s a good guy with a strong character. When he’s in a committed relationship he’s really committed meaning he won’t even look at another woman. He’s spiritual, ambitious, always tries to do the right thing, but in his 20’s he wasn’t a great husband in those two years of marriage. His career came first, he worked long hours, never helped around the house, wasn’t very romantic, and could be self-centered at times, but it wasn’t until he was blindsided by her decision to leave him that he realized all these things about himself. He had so many regrets, vowed to change and to fix his marriage, but she didn’t want that. She was happy with this other guy. She had her own issues too by the way. She was on the needy, clingy, and insecure side and needed a lot of assurance from him that he loved her.
I remember he’d say “She’s the only woman I want. Do you think she’ll change her mind and come back to me?” and I can remember thinking wait, she’s married to you but sleeping with someone else…how is that okay? But to him it was okay because in his mind he was the guilty one, the one who deserved all the blame.
No marriage is perfect. People have issues and make mistakes, especially in the first years of marriage. I look back at some of the selfish decisions I made early on in my marriage and know I’ve come a long way since then. It’s about learning how to look at every decision from both perspectives, not just your own, but it takes time to learn that. So anyway I think in many cases it comes down to how strongly the two people involved view the institution of marriage. For C divorce wasn’t an option so he wanted to work real hard to fix the marriage. His wife didn’t feel the same way, so he was forced to move on.
So they divorced and C took with him all he’d learned about himself and how to be a better partner, experienced a period of deep sadness and regret, and then met someone else. And then guess what…C’s ex wife contacted him, wanted him back, but it was too late for C. He was with someone who was less needy, more self-confident, and he really like that.
Hang in there, Elizabeth.
B
BrandyParticipantHi Elizabeth,
You are welcome. I know you’re struggling, trying to sort things out. In your original post I noticed a few things that I wanted to bring to your attention if you’re interested. The Tiny Buddha member Inky once posted “Sometimes we need to teach others how to treat us”, or something like that anyway, and I’m wondering if your husband never really learned how to properly treat his wife.
1. Before this all went down, on your way home from work you called your husband asking him what he wanted for dinner and you wrote “He told me he was having a beer with this female employee (which wasn’t rare)” and that he’d meet you at home afterwards to decide on dinner. I consider myself a pretty easy-going, laid back, trusting and cool wife but my husband knows that if he wants to have a beer with a female co-worker he’d better see to it that it’s not just the two of them drinking alone in that bar. Why was his meeting her alone for a drink okay with him and you? The right thing for him to do would be to invite his wife to have a beer with them, or at the very least make sure another employee (his cousin?) is there with them. I realize this woman was your friend and that you trusted her and your husband, but it’s still not okay for a married man to go to a bar alone with a woman who isn’t his wife, no matter how hip, cool and laid back his wife is. A married man who respects his wife should already know this.
2. You abruptly leave the scene after catching the two of them alone in a bar holding hands, then you call him repeatedly until he finally picks up his phone. This man disrespects YOU by holding another woman’s hand in clear view, and based on your reaction he knows you’re now terribly upset. You’re the devastated one, the one who’s been blindsided, the one who’s hurting, the wounded one. In spite of his issue navigating difficult situations, why would he not immediately make sure you’re okay? Shouldn’t that be his first thought….is my wife okay? Did he not think about your safety, like perhaps it’s not a good idea for you to get behind the wheel after you’ve seen what you just saw? But he lets you go, and he doesn’t even call to make sure you got home safely in the shocked and emotional state you’re in. So you make the decision to call him repeatedly until he finally decides to pick up his phone to talk with you. Why would you call him? Why did you not wait for him do the right thing and contact you?
3. Your husband and this woman assure you that, from that point on, their “relationship” will be strictly professional, and you believed them. Why did your husband not insist that she immediately find a job elsewhere? Why did you not insist that she immediately find a job elsewhere?
If you were my own daughter these are the very same questions I’d ask you. I’m trying to be mindful that what I ask/share here may hurt you more than you are already hurting, and I don’t want to do that. Anyone reading your posts can see that you are obviously a very intelligent person. While you’re processing this terribly traumatic event, fight hard to not to let your good judgment get blurred by your pain.
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BrandyParticipantHi Elizabeth,
This is a terrible thing to have to go through. I wish you weren’t going through it.
Your take on things is that your husband’s inability to deal with difficult situations, as evidenced 10 years ago when he was 20 years old and turned to drugs and alcohol for a period of time after his brother’s death, is the reason he’s now decided, at age 30, to leave you for another woman.
He told you that he misses you, that you’re his best friend, but that he loves her. Understandably, this is extremely difficult for you to understand let alone accept and is causing you an extraordinary amount of pain. The betrayal, the disappointment — it’s outrageous and must be totally overwhelming for you. My heart goes out to you. In the midst of all of the confusion and heartbreak, please don’t make the mistake of assuming that you know what’s going on with him better than he does. He’s a 30 year old man who’s made a decision very early in his marriage to leave his wife to be with another woman and he’s totally unwilling to fix the marriage.
If I were in your shoes I’d probably try to make sense of all that doesn’t make sense about this and draw conclusions that make me feel better, that give me hope, so I really understand how you would connect what happened ten years ago to this situation.
If your conclusion is correct, it still doesn’t bode well that the stresses he was/is experiencing are so great so as to push him into the arms of another woman after less than one year of marriage. Many marriages survive a lifetime of very difficult stresses like terminal illnesses and death of family members, severe financial crises, kids with special needs or drug problems, etc., in spite of the temptation of another woman/man waiting with arms wide open to numb the pain. It takes a strong character to walk away from that; your husband chose not to walk away. Sure, many marriages survive affairs, but his affair is ongoing with no end in sight.
My take is that you are fortunate to have this happen before kids are involved, if kids were in your future. I know it’s difficult and totally unfair. I know you’ve invested a lot of years in this relationship with this man. My advice is to cut your losses now and start to accept that this man isn’t who you thought he was.
B
February 10, 2019 at 1:13 pm in reply to: How to deal with emotions past rocky on-and-off relationship? #279583BrandyParticipantHi Hella,
Yes, everything you wrote makes a lot of sense to me. It’s natural to have moments when you miss how good being with him made you feel, but your good sense seems to then swing you back to a strong awareness of all that’s not so good about the history you now have with him. This is what progress looks like, I think. My two cents: When you have the difficult moments, just relax and trust that each will pass and that you’ll be okay, because you will.
This guy’s not so great. You can do better. 🙂
B
February 10, 2019 at 12:20 pm in reply to: How to deal with emotions past rocky on-and-off relationship? #279573BrandyParticipantHi Hella,
His mixed signals to you when in a relationship with someone else is a bad sign. You already know that.
Anita wrote “…he is your mirror, what you saw in his face/ body as he interacted with you many times was something beautiful, intensely desirable. You want to see yourself this way again! It is difficult to let go of this view of yourself.” This is so true! You know logically that the mixed signals he gives you when he’s committed to someone else says something about his character, but it feels so good to be desired by this particular guy that you get drawn in. Don’t get drawn in anymore.
The way you feel about yourself when he’s not in the picture is far more important than the way you feel about yourself when he’s interacting with you. I think the key is in being content and at peace with where you are in your life right now. For me, meditation and mindfulness help a lot. Imagine getting to the point where you feel so at peace that the thought of resuming a romantic relationship with this guy makes you cringe.
B
February 9, 2019 at 12:52 pm in reply to: How to deal with emotions past rocky on-and-off relationship? #279447BrandyParticipantHi Hella,
You’re getting a lot of solid advice on this thread; I’m not sure I can add anything of substance to it all. One thing I’ll say is I feel I may know this type of guy. He’s charming, probably well liked by everyone, knows people in every social circle in the community, you know, like when he walks into Starbucks he’ll see at least 3 people who are genuinely happy to see him. Maybe he’s very good looking, has no trouble attracting women, and is the life of the party…the John Kennedy Jr type? If so, then just by knowing this guy a person’s social status is elevated, so yes, he’s able to set a narrative and no one’s going to challenge him on it, and I’m thinking you’re not the first woman he’s been with who finds herself in this situation. I like Anita’s input that what you shared with this guy may have meant more to you than it did him, and the way to achieve calmness is to no longer hope that he’ll come to his senses and come back to you. I think I may understand how difficult both may be for you. Hang in there, Hella.
B
February 7, 2019 at 12:26 pm in reply to: How to deal with emotions past rocky on-and-off relationship? #279241BrandyParticipantHi Hella,
Well, to me, silencing someone by not acknowledging their emotions or reactions to what they do, i.e ghosting and gaslighting them, are ways to create a narrative as well. Silencing someone’s feelings gives you power over a narrative….I guess I wish someone else had the guts to stand up to him and support me instead of silently supporting him.
I agree with what you’re saying about narratives and I think I understand how you feel. This guy has a strong presence in this particular group (you say he owns it) so it’s no surprise that no one will stand up to him and support you. This is one of life’s tough lessons. Many (maybe most?) people won’t risk their positions in social circles in order to support those who may be on their way out. They’ll overlook what’s really happening in order to remain in good standing and not make waves. It’s terribly unfair and painful but it’s a very valuable thing to know.
I may be wrong but I don’t believe that sharing your feelings/frustrations with any of the members of this group will help your situation. I think it will only make things worse for you. It’s time to make a new set of friends and gradually walk away from this group. I’d continue to be pleasant to those who contact me, wouldn’t make my departure a big deal; I’d simply gradually stop showing up at things, as painful as it may be for you. I’d then work real hard at healing myself through acceptance, mindfulness, meditation, and by surrounding myself with people who sincerely care about me.
B
February 4, 2019 at 9:29 am in reply to: very confused-new girlfriend, ex-girlfrend. Help me please #278597BrandyParticipantHi John,
Take a deep breath, relax your shoulders, and know that you are okay. You are in no danger. You are totally safe regardless of these thoughts and feelings. They will eventually pass on their own without any effort from you.
B
February 1, 2019 at 9:15 am in reply to: very confused-new girlfriend, ex-girlfrend. Help me please #278065BrandyParticipantHi John,
You explained that very well. Thank you.
The feeling you get when you think of your ex or see a text message from her is very strong indeed. So strong that it clouds your good judgement, and I’ve learned from this thread that your judgment is very good. You pay attention. You see things. Even in your last post you refer to her as a “bitch”, but her character doesn’t seem to be a big factor for you. You love her unconditionally, that is, without conditions. I love my husband very much too but I don’t love him unconditionally. There are conditions that need to be met for our relationship to work. Honesty, fidelity, mutual respect, and transparency are a few.
I still think you’re making great progress! You’re still thinking about her fewer days than you used to, right? So this past week has been especially tough with you thinking about her more than you have in recent weeks….so what! I think next week will be better.
Keep moving forward! 🙂
Have a nice weekend.
B
January 30, 2019 at 10:53 am in reply to: very confused-new girlfriend, ex-girlfrend. Help me please #277773BrandyParticipantHi John,
I wish you’d reread your posts on this thread from the past two months. You had it all figured out, that is, what motivates your ex to act the way she does. You saw her in a different light, remember? She’s controlling, doesn’t want you to be happy, etc. I also think she called you a “dumbass” at some point. Are you forgetting all these things? This is where you really need to look at yourself and understand why you’re still thinking romantically about a woman who called you a dumbass. There are some things you just can’t overlook. Don’t overlook this! You say “I still get that good feeling when she would text me”. Explain how you get a good feeling when you receive a text message from someone who thinks you’re a dumbass because I can’t understand this.
I know I’m being tough on you but I also know you need to hear this and that you can handle it. 🙂
B
BrandyParticipantLove right back to you, Alex! I’m so happy to read your post!
B
January 29, 2019 at 10:37 am in reply to: very confused-new girlfriend, ex-girlfrend. Help me please #277613BrandyParticipantHi John,
You say “Today is a tough one. Don’t have much days like this anymore but damn.” So yesterday was a tough day for you. You couldn’t get your mind off your ex. But most days aren’t like that for you anymore. This means you’re making progress! It doesn’t happen overnight, as you know. It takes time. You’re now having fewer days where you can’t get your mind off her! Valora said it perfectly: “…just know you’ll likely feel better tomorrow or once you get your mind off of it.” Become aware of the negative thoughts that pop into your head. They’re just thoughts. Don’t engage them; just let them pass. Let them go.
You’re doing so well! I’m serious, you really are doing so much better than when you started this thread. You should be very proud of your progress. I am! Keep moving forward.
B
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