Well it’s been awhile since I’ve posted on here….

Well, I tell you what…  That woman defiantly put  a curse on me.  I haven’t been able to quit thinking about her at all.  It’s hard to explain.  I feel like I’m missing her more and more everyday.  I did cry a few  days ago again.  This is killing me.  I so bad just want to send her a message.  I know i shouldn’t and it is just inviting more pain, but damn!  It”s like i just can’t stop thinking about her.  No matter what i’m doing or whom i’m doing it with.  I was watching a movie last night and there was a part in it where it was all mushy.  I was laying there with my girlfriend watching this, and all I could think of is my ex!  God help me.  Seriously, i think about her every single day, probably 90% of the time in some way or form.  I still love her so freakin much, it kills me.  My stupid F&$%ING brain and heart still thinks/feels like someday, we will be together again.  I hate this so much.  It’s like all i want to do is hold her and kiss her and love her.  I would give anything for that.  Seriously, anything!  Well now i’m crying.  Shit!  I really do love her with my soul.

We got a lot of snow today, first time this season.  So of coarse, instead of wanting to go home and be with my girlfriend, again i’m just thinking about my ex, what is she doing?  How much fun i could have with her today.

Times like this, i really do feel like I am crazy or going crazy.  I’m doing my best to push through it though.  I really am.  It’s just hard when every time I close my eyes I see  her face.

If you think about it though… when you take away the pressures of real life and go have a fun weekend, you can have fun with literally almost anyone that you get along with. That’s why everything feels so great when people first start dating, whether they’re dating the right person for them or not. They’re just off having fun adventures together. It’s how you feel and how you react together during the real life pressures that matters because that is what is happening the majority of the time.

This is true, but when one gets home from a trip or vacation when you get home you’re not supposed to feel like you are coming home to a prison. Home should be home.  Any other times i’ve gone on trips or anything, when I got home it was relaxing.  It feels like when i go home I’m going to a stressful environment.  It’s not like that 100% of the time, but most of the time.

So last night my 12 year old wanted to talk again.  She really hit hard.  She told me that we don’t feel like a family.  That she doesn’t like coming over or being there because she doesn’t feel like she knows me anymore.  This had nothing to do with my girlfriend or her kids this time.  She told me she has felt this way for a long time.  That I don’t listen to her, and that i put others  in front of her (in so many words).  WOW!  This really opened up my eyes.  Talk about feeling like a bad father.  She was crying, i was teary eyed.  My 12 year old shouldn’t be feeling like she has to talk to me about this kind of stuff.  She should be a kid!  She even said, sometimes she feels like the grown up.  She said she loves my girlfriend and her kids more than the world.  This all had to do with me.  She said that since my ex left, I have been different.  I told her that I was sorry and she was right.  I did change.  I told her I don’t expect her to understand, that I don’t fully understand myself.  I told her that when my ex left.  It hurt me deeply and it felt like she took the best part of me with her.  That I am working on bettering myself and that I can’t fix this overnight, it will take time.  I told her that i need her to write me a list of 20 things that she likes to do.  Anything from riding quads to as simple as snuggling together just watching a tv show with her daddy or going for a walk.  So we can start doing things together.  I realized last night, that I don’t know her anymore either.

The reason I told you this is because in my journey to learn about myself and better myself.  I guess i’ve never really understood or believed what some people have told me before.  That a lot of the time, I do think about myself.  Not in a purposeful way, just that I have so much unresolved feelings and conflict in myself that I do get stuck in the past sometimes and only think about what I need.  That in my journey i have been so focused on myself that i have neglected my daughters where it counts the most.  It really made my think about everything.  About how I behave when things go bad.  I hate bringing this up, but yes I will.  It made me think about why my ex did leave me.  She told me after she left that it was “all about me”.  I thought, bullshit.  all i have done is try to be there and help and listen.  When in fact she is right.  When things were great, i was great.  When things started to get bumpy in her life and she couldn’t give me the attention she had done before because of other things in her life needing it.  I did get selfish and “poopy”.  Instead of seeing what she needed from me, I only saw what I needed and only thought about my self, not what she really needed at that time.  I realized I have done the same thing with my girlfriend now and most importantly with my daughters ever since my ex or even before my ex and I officially broke up.  I’ve always thought I was doing good and providing.  But last night, I realized it’s not about just providing.  It’s being there in the little ways.  In any relationship.  Father daughter, Man and girlfriend, whatever. I really need to figure out my shit.

One other  thing my daughter said is that when we are alone or away from the house, I act like I used to.  The dad that she did know, and as soon as we get home I change.

Well Everything is coming to a head for me.  I think after this weekend I am going to talk to my girlfriend.  Because when i told  her this last night, at first she got upset, like my daughter is just over exaggerating and such to get attention.  So what if she is!  That means that she is reaching out to me.  She has never reached out like this before, so something  is wrong and I need to address it before it gets worse.

Side note, my girlfriend got that job, for a whopping $12.63 per hour.  supposedly after 3 months she is eligible for a raise though.  She starts march 6th or something like that.

So back to my talk.  I’m thinking of telling her that I have been feeling a lot of guilt lately.  That I feel like because of me, she lost her place to live for cheap, had to relocate her family, lost her immediate help with her family, and with her last job where she was making good money, lost that because I was having a hard time being able to raise all the kids on my own 5 nights a week.  That I feel like I don’t give her what she needs.  Not because I don’t want to, but because I’m not in a place within myself to.

That I have done wrong things to her by talking to my ex repeatedly after I told her I wasn’t, and that has caused a lot of guilt in me and jealously and questions with her(my girlfriend).  That I understand that when my phone gives me an alert that it will raise a question in her, but for this to work.  I need her to trust me.  Not question me.  And give me my privacy.  This means not snooping on my things.  As partners we are supposed to share everything, but we also  need privacy as well.  And that there are times when I don’t need to hear an opinion or anything, that maybe I just need to talk or vent.  And that I do the same thing with her sometimes, and I need to work on that myself.  That I need to focus on myself and learning who I am again and being the man and father I once was again.  Instead of just being a ghost in the house that just provides a roof and food.  That I do need  time with just me and my girls, whatever it is we are doing without judgement from her(my girlfriend).  That i’m afraid to plan any time with my daughters because i’m just going to get the third degree about it and how my daughter is just taking advantage of the situation.  And foremost, I need to stop hearing about my daughters mother and her partner and how everything is “great” over there with the kids, but why isn’t she(my girlfriend) excepted that way.

side note.  My girlfriend was all butt hurt about something the other day with my oldest and my grandson.  She said “I’m just as much as a mother as your ex-wife was”  Why does she call her mom?  Got really jealous and pissed because my oldest is closer and treats my ex-wife differently.  That really bothered me.  My ex-wife has known my 24 yr old daughter since she has been 4 years old and went through all the heart ache and heart break with me and her.  My oldest daughters mother was one of those mothers that made it impossible for me to see my daughter on my weekends.  Long story short, throughout my daughters life until she was 17, i never knew if i was going to see her or not.  Even her mothers parents didn’t understand.  My ex-wife was there for me and her through all of this and they became very close because of it.  Enough so that my daughter calls my ex-wife mom as well.

My girlfriend thinks “I’ve been in your life for a year, so should be just as close or whatever”   That really bothers me.

I don’t know how to say or approach a lot of issues I am having without her getting defensive or hurt.  I do want to tell her that sometimes, I think we would be better off apart.  At least for now.  But how do i say that?  How do i bring that up?  She doesn’t make enough to live on her own and I don’t think she really has anywhere to go.  Her parents do have two spare rooms, however that hasn’t worked in the past and they have a hard time with her son, even when we just visit for a bit.

I really think what’s messed up about all of this, but also brings  a lot to light, is that I think my ex was dealing with a lot of the same or similar emotions with me in the end, and just didn’t know how to tell me without hurting me.  Kind of the same deal as me and my girlfriend now.  This is very ironic and crazy too me.  And enlightening in  a weird way.  just bizarre.

Well, i hate to cut off, but i have to go.  i will continue tomorrow…

Well we are taking a weekend trip away this weekend.  I am really curious to see how it goes.  If i feel like i’m just there with a friend or if I do enjoy her and being with her alone without kids or distractions.  I think that will be the final factor in my decision.  And if i do decide to end it, i will tell her that is has been something i’ve been battling in my mind, trying to figure out if it’s just feelings because of our situation or feelings that i just don’t have for her and that (if this trip doesn’t spark any feelings in me) this last trip, i realized I love her, but I’m not happy.  That I feel like there is always something there or more that will cause me and her to feel unhappy in our relationship.  That maybe I caused too much damage because of my on and off contact with my ex. and that i feel that she will never be able to trust me like she should(which is my fault for doing what i did).  And that i can’t live with that or live with any time i get on my phone or get a notification that i feel guilty and she feels insecure.

Let alone the issues with the kids and our freedom.

If you don’t mind, if i do do this, I think i will figure out what i’m going to say exactly and run it by you before I talk to her.  I want to try to be as delicate as I can, but yet firm and decided.  so she knows that it is done and we both need to move on.

By big things, I really just mean the things that truly matter to you in a relationship. Things that are a big deal (which often times ARE the little things). Like if she felt like home and safety when you hugged her, that’s a little thing but a big deal, you know what I mean? Having a bunch of random things in common that you like to do together would be another. Feeling a magnetic pull toward her or just always enjoying her company no matter what and wanting her around is another big deal. Things like that. There would have to be some pretty great and noticeable things to combat some of those negatives, and when the negatives outweigh the positives, that means you aren’t compatible and you would’ve eventually felt the way you’re currently feeling either way, no matter the circumstances, financial issues or not, ex involvement or not.

WOW!  you described exactly how i felt about my ex.  I think I’ve been longing for that so bad that i’ve been trying to “make it happen” with my girlfriend.  I kept on thinking “we just need to get past this” then there is another thing and another and another…  for example:  i thought once she moved in things would be better cause we would get to see each other more, then it was getting her caught up on bills.  Once that was done, then it was her work schedule, now that has changed and she can’t afford her own bills again so now it is waiting for her to get a better paying job, and i’ve always felt some irritancy with her kids.  It’s like every day is the same crap.  I know my girls aren’t angles, but they do listen.  They don’t argue and fight back with me.  And her kids at their age shouldn’t be doing that.  Back to my point.  It does feel like i’m always thinking “once we get past this”  and once that happens there is something else.

I think if I was really in love.  In love like I was before.  None of this would bother me.  I would figure out a way to make the best of it, to be happy.

I do hate that I feel so messed up.  It’s almost like I have some kind of resentment now with my girlfriend.  I think I really thought that she would move in, things would be better cause we could see each other, money would be better for both of us, so we could afford to do things together, everything.  Instead it feels like i’m poorer than before, I’m tied down to my house all the time, god forbid if i want to spend some time alone with just my girls are take just them away for the day.  To top it all off, my girlfriend now has severe jealousy and insecurity issues.  I feel horrible about that.  That is my fault.  For me staying in contact with my ex and hiding it.  Now my girlfriend is snooping on my phones and such.  Any time i get a text or two.  “who is that” or just a sigh.  I show her or tell her every text i get.  It is starting to get very frustrating though.  example:  Last night I got in the shower and left both my phones in the bedroom with her.  I got out of the shower and she said “your phone went off”   ” it was some game notification or something, like you haven’t played in awhile”  and then she said ” are you listening to love songs?”

So not only did she look when my phone made an alert, but she continued to snoop through it to see what i was on recently, ect… (the game is for my girls BTW).

This is getting so old.  I want my privacy.  I do keep journals on my phone, i locked them in my notes though so she can not read them.  I can’t change my passwords to get into my phone because then she will think I’m hiding something.

I know I created this insecurity and jealousy with my actions.  I feel absolute horrible about it all.  But I can’t live like this either.

We are supposed to go away for the weekend this weekend.  So I am going to make the best of it.  If nothing changes with how I am feeling or when it’s just her and me.  Then I will be talking to her towards the end of the month.  I really would like for her to get a better job first.  Speaking of, the “great job” we’ve been waiting on finally contacted her.  Sound like they are going to hire her.  She is waiting for a date for second interview.  The problem is their starting wage is from $12.24 to $17.00 per hour.  So we were thinking they would offer her around $14/hour.  Which is something that she could survive on.  Instead they only offered her $12.25/hour.  F%$&!!!  I told her when she has her second interview, she needs to bargain with them and try to get a better wage, considering her experience and everything.  We will see how it goes.  OH and it went from a Mon-Fri job to weekends for a while…  I DON”T WANT TO BE HER BABYSITTER.  I think that’s one of the bigger things why we decided for her to leave her previous job.  If it’s back to that, then why even leave the other one, at least with that one she made decent money.

All this said, I do know it’s not my fault that she doesn’t have a career and is struggling with employment.  Those were her life choices.  I do know if she wouldn’t of been with me she wouldn’t of lasted at her previous job, because there was no body that would have watched her kids that much.  I just feel bad…

I do really think that by the end of this month, i am going to have a talk with her.   I really don’t even know how to begin or what.  I know she is going to be crushed…  and her kids…

I can’t keep this up though.

It doesn’t help that i’m now having dreams at night about my ex either.  I do still miss her.  That really throws a wrench in the mix.  I think it’s like you’ve said.  I need to meet the right woman, a woman that gives me what i need and those feelings again in order to fully forget and be over my ex.

gotta go to work.  thanks

How long is “quite a while,” though, months-wise?

I would say 6 months or more.  It wasn’t until about a couple months after she moved in that I started feeling the other way.  I think it was a combination of things.  Between now living with her kids full time, having to pretty much raise them by myself on school nights for 2-1/2 months because of her work schedule, now because she is barely working and I am paying her car payment and insurance because she can’t afford it.  (she does get almost $500) a month in food stamps now though so that is a big contribution).  And then there was/is the obvious.  My EX!  If she would of never contacted me again after my girlfriend moved in.  I know things would have been better.  In fact it was 3 months of no contact whatsoever from september to mid December and I was doing so much better.  I was focusing on my girlfriend and US!  I was feeling better about myself and us having a family.  Then Whammo!  My ex reaches out to me.  This last time really screwed with my brain in a bad way.  It’s almost like she can sense when i’m finally “moving on” like she keeps telling me she has and wants me to and then she can’t handle it so she gets involved in my life And says certain things that she knows will screw with my brain.  Just enough to make me question things and miss her.  I know if she wouldn’t have contacted me this last time in december I would be doing a whole lot better now.

I guess thinking about  it, them most time i have went without contact from my ex has been about 3 months.  After we broke up it was mid December last we talked, then in march for a while, then she stopped and blocked me again, then again in july, then she blocked me again, then august/september(that’s when my girlfriend found out and contacted her.)  then she blocked me again saying we are done and she (my girlfriend) can have me.  Then again this last December.   So confusing and it hurts.  Sorry didn’t mean to get all side tracked here….

I really think that the circumstances we ended up in played a big role in changing how I feel.  I guess I thought when the moved in that we would have more time together and $ would be easier on the both of us.  Instead it was quite the opposite.  When she first moved in, she was making good money.  However she was behind on a few bills and it took a while to get caught up(I helped).  Then there was xmas with 4 kids, friends and family that now has doubled in size.  Between all of that it kept us super tight on money.  I’ve always been one that stresses about money.  She is the opposite.  She would rather skip a payment or be late then not struggle and pay on time.  I’ve been trying to help her learn that if she does want things in the future that she needs to be good about her bills and expenses and not slack.

And now…  with me paying some of her bills and I cover all household expenses.  It’s getting hard.   I would love for her to cover her own and be able to at least pay utilities or something.  that would be amazing!  But she can’t.  I know she feels absolutely horrible about the whole thing too.  She is a mess.  If she could she would pay every one of my bills.  I know that.

What sucks is I would of done this for my ex without a thought,  without regret.  But my ex also didn’t have two kids that are a handful and keep us locked up at home 99% of the time.

Last night was good and bad.  Her son lost his shit in a bad way.  Lots of anger.  I ended up taking his door off the hinges so he wouldn’t slam it anymore.  She is trying to find counseling for him and hopefully something for him to take.  I swear he has some kind of bi-polarism.   until then though we deal.  Then her daughter is a drama queen.  Either throwing a fuss or crying.  It’s all very hard for me.  However my girlfriend and I were able to relax together for a couple hours which was nice.

I forgot where i even started with all of this.  I guess maybe I just needed to talk some.  I just wish things were different.  I wish she had a good job, m-f regular hours making decent money, and grateful kids with a place for them to go every other weekend so we could have our time.  I don’t know if I told you this, but the last time her kids stayed with her parents, her son flipped out my girlfriends mom told her that she will not watch her son again until he is better.  That’s pretty bad if his grandparent is done watching him.  He is just out of control.  i do worry about him.  But I can’t deal with this all  the time.

I need to get to work.  more later.  thanks

we celebrated the day we physically met. 

The feelings lasted quite a while. I do t think they started to fade until well after she moved in. In fact things were going good up until my ex contacted me the last time. That really put me a step backwards. Just things she said. Like telling me she thought of me often. It really confused me and made me think about what I was feeling.

I agree. The sooner I can do this the better. I don’t want to put pressure on my girlfriend right now though. I would rather her be working a full time job that she could afford her bills at least.

I know it takes two and her being in this position is choices that she made but I still feel responsible. Last night she told me that she can’t wait until I feel butterflies when she texts me or calls me. I felt really bad when she said that. God I feel like a prick. I hate that I put myself in this position. And her.

Also… what would happen if your ex came to you tomorrow and said she wanted to start over and be with you again and told you everything you wanted to hear? What would you do about your situation with your current girlfriend then? Because even if your ex came back, you still have this problem of your girlfriend depending on you.

I forgot to answer this…

Honestly I don’t know what I would do.  I think I would tell her it is over and we need to figure out her living situation, however I wouldn’t put her in dire straights either.  That is a very tough question.  fortunately I know that my ex wouldn’t do that.  It would take a her a lot to swallow her pride and admit that she did wrong and was wrong.  She is a very proud and stubborn woman.  I still think that she was already talking to someone before we split up and she still can’t admit it, although she had said things several times that suggested it.  Just like one time when we were texting about 9 months ago, she said that i was just guilty as things as she was.  Well according to her she did nothing wrong, so what would she be guilty of then??  I guess statements like that help me think about the person she really is, although it is still very hard to not want to be with her again.  It is so hard to explain these feelings i have.  Very defeating and frustrating.

I believe you said this exact thing back in November, where your plan was to wait and see until how you felt in the new year, and you’re still feeling the same way and saying the same things. Do you think it’s possible you’re trying to drag this out because it’s a conversation you don’t want to have because it makes you feel guilty?

Also… what would happen if your ex came to you tomorrow and said she wanted to start over and be with you again and told you everything you wanted to hear? What would you do about your situation with your current girlfriend then? Because even if your ex came back, you still have this problem of your girlfriend depending on you.

Yes I do feel guilty.  I feel absolutely horrible about the whole thing.  I had reservations in july about her moving in and I went ahead with it anyways because I thought it was the right thing to do.  I know now that it wasn’t.  I have to wait until she at least gets a full time job before I feel right about telling her that we need to go separate ways.  I don’t feel right making her leave with the situation she is in now.  Either way I know I need to talk to her by the end of the month or in march for sure.  I’m hoping that this job we’ve been waiting on happens though.  I would feel a lot better if she was working full time day shift somewhere.  I really hate that I put myself in this position.  live and learn i guess.

It is funny how me feeling like this, really makes me wonder how long my ex felt like she was done before she really told me?  If she was in the same position and felt bad, which prolonged her waiting to say something.  The irony of things really freakin sucks sometimes.

I know I need to do this.  but it is very hard.  I feel like such and A$$hole for everything.  I know though that I need to do what is best for me and my girls happiness.  Right now, it just feels like for every one “good” day, there are six “bad” days.