Really good advice Mark. I agree beating oneself up doesn’t work, because it labels you and your feelings as bad, but acknowledging and feeling your feelings does work.

I would also like to add, that I have dealt with anger and rage for the things that happened in my past. Anger/rage is difficult to deal with for me, for fear of losing control and doing something I would regret later. What I have done to help with my anger, is accept it, feel it (but don’t dwell in it) and unpack it through journal/writing about it and therapy. What I have found out for myself is that my anger/rage was really covering up the sadness and powerlessness I felt about certain experiences and people from my past and present. I didn’t have a choice about what I experienced, but I do now have a choice in how I feel about myself and how I react to people in my life right now. My journey has been about finding my own power and voice, and learning to use it wisely as to cause no harm to others. It is definitely a process, sometimes daily.

What I have also found helpful is telling myself if I am getting caught up in the rehashing of old memories or new offenses, which stir up the anger, sadness, powerlessness, “Today, I choose peace.” Yesterday was particularly bad, and thoughts kept barraging my brain, “feel that, think that, oh…” and for each thought that tried to drag me farther into my feeling, I said out loud, “Today, I choose peace.” I did this for an hour it seemed, but before I knew it it was 10 hours later and I had had a very peaceful, wonderful day with my husband, daughter and her friend.

I wish you peace, my friend
Jen

• This reply was modified 10 years, 10 months ago by Jenn-ay.

I also agree it depends if the niece is a child or an adult and the approach that should be taken. I am assuming because the niece has been doing these behaviors for 10 years, she could be a teen or an adult.

But my advice would be, you need to develop boundaries, healthy ones. Both children and adults need them; it is the line you draw that protects you from negative behavior being done/continued in your presence or towards you. If there is a boundary in place, you and the other person have a guideline on how you/they want to be treated. if the boundary is crossed, it also gives, you and the other person, a consequence. Remember we teach people how to treat us. I have had to learn to build boundaries with people. One of my boundaries is no name-calling in an argument/discussion, if anyone does it, the conversation ends, and does not get continued until both parties are committed to talking to one another with respect.

I would suggest also start learning to say no, or be a little more discriminatory with your help. Everyone wants to be helpful nor do they want to see someone they love hurt, but if you are consistently feeling used, I would be reluctant of helping so freely. I am not suggesting you don’t help her at all, but I think it would be helpful for yourself, if you asked yourself a few questions. What is the best way to help her? Do I have what she needs, and can I afford to give it to her? What do I expect in return for my help? And if she doesn’t meet my expectation, how will it affect me and our relationship? I bring up expectations, because sometimes our own expectations of what we feel we should get in return fudges up the situation more than anything. Now, there is a difference if these expectations (and consequences of a failure to meet those expectations) are stated before the help is given, and also that they are reasonable both to you and the other person. If stated before the help is given, it also gives the other person a chance to negotiate with you to reach these reasonable expectations.

Another suggestion is to not cut your niece out of your life, but cut the amount of contact with her down. Deal with her when you know you can handle her. If she calls, let it go to voice mail, check to make sure it’s not an emergency, and if you are feeling ok, call her back, but don’t call her back if you are already in a funk. Less contact with certain individuals in my own life has helped me, and I only talk to them, if I am feeling ok, because I have learned that these certain people in my life can be triggers for me, especially if I am already feeling negative, their simple presence can be a catalyst for the feeling to get worse. I am responsible for how I act and respond, and if I am not in the right frame of mind at that moment, it could be detrimental for both of us. I have to own how I feel, and if my goal is to develop or have a relationship with this person, I have to accept what I know are my feelings/weaknesses/triggers and do what is right for both of us too.

Forgiveness and unconditional love are the ultimate goals, but so is being safe and secure within yourself. Forgiveness should not be handed out like candy to others, if we know we are allowing these trespasses to happen to us. We have to do right by ourselves too. There has to be a balance. You can forgive people for doing rotten things, but sometimes you do need to say, I love you, but I will not tolerate this behavior anymore.

I agree with Danubelle

I also didn’t have a father who wasn’t around while I was growing up. This for me, was a contributing factor into what I believed about myself and the behaviors and relationships I chose to do/have in my life. His absence influenced me and my way of thinking in ways that I am still learning about to this day. I have done therapy, and it helped me tremendously. I have also read many books on forgiveness and self-love. I would recommend both to you also.

I have been where you have been. The self-doubt, using passive-aggressive behaviors to show my displeasure (cold-shoulder, silent treatment – a favored response), the distrusting of other people and their intentions, and the underlying belief that I didn’t deserve to be in a healthy relationship, so I chose men that were not going to treat me well or I pushed the good guys away and outta my life. I had the “conversation” too with many of them. The problem was I needed to have the conversation with myself. I didn’t trust myself. I didn’t love myself. I didn’t know how to stand up for myself or ask what I wanted/needed from anyone. I didn’t have the tools, and that is what therapy gave me. I didn’t start to change, until I started to look at myself, my beliefs and my behaviors. I didn’t start to change my behaviors until I started asking myself the hard questions. Such as, “why do I believe/feel that _____ will hurt me or leave me?” and follow that answer with, “is this a true statement?”, and if it is true (or untrue), “why?”

You asked “Could someone shed some light on how I can trust him more or stop my mind from running rampant with all the horrible ways this relationship could end? I really don’t want it to but it will if I can’t find some way to trust him and get more confidence.”

My response to your question is after all that rambling is: You, Chelsea, need to learn to trust/love yourself first before you can really, truly trust/love anyone else.