Forum Replies Created
There is a lot of good you have to offer, Moongal. Keep focusing on that, it will grow. Stinking thinking is a bad habit, in my opinion. I have/had plenty of bs thoughts/doubts still, but I keep telling myself that I am ok as I am. And now, I am really starting to see and feel it. It took me a while for it to take root, but I guarantee, if you keep saying it, you will start believing/seeing/feeling it too. Keep doing what you are doing, Moongal, you will get there. 😀
Thank you @Jasmine-3 for your kind words and well wishes. I agree this is a divine journey, I think I always have, and now, it’s really kind of amazing, I have been working hard on changing, loving, accepting myself and others, forgiving, setting clear but flexible boundaries, reading, journaling, letting my truth and true self rise – that I know, even though I am (and will) still facing challenges, I am on the cusp of something so … beyond words. Oh, I am so almost there, I have been strengthening my wings, I just need to take that next big leap of faith.
Giacomo, thank you for your response. You can so start making this list right now. It may be small at first, mine was, but you keep adding as you go. My list is not complete, there is more I could add now, and will add as I keep moving forward. We all are works in progress, but hey, all masterpieces are. When you are ready to declare and share your Who I am list, I will be excited and honored to be witness to who you are.
Love to all of you!
Heartaches or heartbreaks do heal with time, like Cyd said. Feeling lonely is also par for the course. Your heart needs to go through the emotions it is feeling, and what you really are experiencing is just grief. There are 5 stages to grief: denial, anger, bargaining, sadness, and acceptance. Everyone experiences grief differently, some skip stages, some go back and forth for a while, the whole thing is to go through the process, feel your feelings, but to also keep living your life.
It never fails to amaze me, after years and sometimes decades after some guy broke my heart, I catch myself thinking, “Boy, he was a jerk, when I knew him, but I wonder how he is doing now?” No, bad feelings, just curious about a person I have known along the way.
Your ex has become a lesson for you, you may not see what the lesson is yet, but you will learn something about yourself, relationships, or life, etc.
Really good advice Mark. I agree beating oneself up doesn’t work, because it labels you and your feelings as bad, but acknowledging and feeling your feelings does work.
I would also like to add, that I have dealt with anger and rage for the things that happened in my past. Anger/rage is difficult to deal with for me, for fear of losing control and doing something I would regret later. What I have done to help with my anger, is accept it, feel it (but don’t dwell in it) and unpack it through journal/writing about it and therapy. What I have found out for myself is that my anger/rage was really covering up the sadness and powerlessness I felt about certain experiences and people from my past and present. I didn’t have a choice about what I experienced, but I do now have a choice in how I feel about myself and how I react to people in my life right now. My journey has been about finding my own power and voice, and learning to use it wisely as to cause no harm to others. It is definitely a process, sometimes daily.
What I have also found helpful is telling myself if I am getting caught up in the rehashing of old memories or new offenses, which stir up the anger, sadness, powerlessness, “Today, I choose peace.” Yesterday was particularly bad, and thoughts kept barraging my brain, “feel that, think that, oh…” and for each thought that tried to drag me farther into my feeling, I said out loud, “Today, I choose peace.” I did this for an hour it seemed, but before I knew it it was 10 hours later and I had had a very peaceful, wonderful day with my husband, daughter and her friend.
I wish you peace, my friend
January 23, 2014 at 8:15 am in reply to: Is it possible to forgive the past and a person, but not still like them? #49609
- This reply was modified 7 years, 7 months ago by Jenn-ay.
Thank you Mark and Zenspeaking for your kind words.
I have been giving your words some serious thought. I am willing and in the process of forgiving my father, I have been for a while now. And it has been a difficult journey, letting go of the expectation, disappointment and accepting him and the choices he has made and continues to make in regards to our relationship. To keep trying to be open to him, and be met with his own expectations too.
I think maybe I have come to a point on my journey with him, where emotionally I need to let him go. It has been hard to accept that I have never really had a chance with him, when I have meditated, this is what my soul has said to me, so I am accepting that. I have apologized to him for all of the things I have done that hurt him. I have tried to be open, communicative and I am tired. He doesn’t fill my soul. And maybe that is what this boils down to, this is as good as it gets. What we resist persists. And I am exhausted fighting my reality, he is there, he tries, he cares to the extent he will allow himself to for me, he is a hurt individual himself, and doesn’t see me fully, which is his loss.
I think I can love him as a human being, which really is that I don’t wish him harm, I wish him well on his journey, and I really do just want him to be happy.
Maybe, I can say, at this point, he is not a positive force in my life. And I know for sure, I want more people in my life who are and need to focus on that. I want deep, fulfilling connections with people.
The door will always be open for him, he can come in and stay, or come and go as he sees fit. I won’t force him. I think I just need to stop forcing myself to wait patiently for someone, who may never change.
I also agree it depends if the niece is a child or an adult and the approach that should be taken. I am assuming because the niece has been doing these behaviors for 10 years, she could be a teen or an adult.
But my advice would be, you need to develop boundaries, healthy ones. Both children and adults need them; it is the line you draw that protects you from negative behavior being done/continued in your presence or towards you. If there is a boundary in place, you and the other person have a guideline on how you/they want to be treated. if the boundary is crossed, it also gives, you and the other person, a consequence. Remember we teach people how to treat us. I have had to learn to build boundaries with people. One of my boundaries is no name-calling in an argument/discussion, if anyone does it, the conversation ends, and does not get continued until both parties are committed to talking to one another with respect.
I would suggest also start learning to say no, or be a little more discriminatory with your help. Everyone wants to be helpful nor do they want to see someone they love hurt, but if you are consistently feeling used, I would be reluctant of helping so freely. I am not suggesting you don’t help her at all, but I think it would be helpful for yourself, if you asked yourself a few questions. What is the best way to help her? Do I have what she needs, and can I afford to give it to her? What do I expect in return for my help? And if she doesn’t meet my expectation, how will it affect me and our relationship? I bring up expectations, because sometimes our own expectations of what we feel we should get in return fudges up the situation more than anything. Now, there is a difference if these expectations (and consequences of a failure to meet those expectations) are stated before the help is given, and also that they are reasonable both to you and the other person. If stated before the help is given, it also gives the other person a chance to negotiate with you to reach these reasonable expectations.
Another suggestion is to not cut your niece out of your life, but cut the amount of contact with her down. Deal with her when you know you can handle her. If she calls, let it go to voice mail, check to make sure it’s not an emergency, and if you are feeling ok, call her back, but don’t call her back if you are already in a funk. Less contact with certain individuals in my own life has helped me, and I only talk to them, if I am feeling ok, because I have learned that these certain people in my life can be triggers for me, especially if I am already feeling negative, their simple presence can be a catalyst for the feeling to get worse. I am responsible for how I act and respond, and if I am not in the right frame of mind at that moment, it could be detrimental for both of us. I have to own how I feel, and if my goal is to develop or have a relationship with this person, I have to accept what I know are my feelings/weaknesses/triggers and do what is right for both of us too.
Forgiveness and unconditional love are the ultimate goals, but so is being safe and secure within yourself. Forgiveness should not be handed out like candy to others, if we know we are allowing these trespasses to happen to us. We have to do right by ourselves too. There has to be a balance. You can forgive people for doing rotten things, but sometimes you do need to say, I love you, but I will not tolerate this behavior anymore.
I was you two years ago, angry, like so angry I couldn’t see straight, it seethed out all over myself and my relationships. My anger journey — I stewed, I brewed over small and big slights, I people-pleased myself into resentment all with a smile on my face. If people were mad at me, whether I thought they were right or wrong, I apologized first instead of standing up for myself, because the crazy thing was I was terrified of anger, mine or others’.
I started seeing a therapist at that time, and took some time and their tools to unpack it, and just like your therapist said to you, my anger covered up my sadness. We did lots of exercises, I unloaded a lot of the hurt I had felt for decades and started to learn to make better choices for myself. One of them was learning to love myself and not punish myself for my feelings. I told my therapist, it was like I was going through an anger detox. Anger can be a defensive mechanism, but it can also be addictive. There is power in it, like you said, it can keep you alive. My anger kept me alive for a long time. But it takes a toll on you, sometiimes a heavy one.
I am learning to forgive the past, accept people and myself as we are, and feel my feelings in healthy ways, but not hang onto them (feelings are not without merit, they are just signs for us to pay attention and ask why; what is this triggering in me; and what am I going to do about it, and can I handle the consequences for myself and others for acting on this feeling).
I agree with Danubelle
First thing, your meditation is not bringing out any mental illness, it is opening you up to old/current hurts and wounds that need to be addressed.
You have made mistakes. And really, who hasn’t? You liked a girl and didn’t have the confidence or words at the time to tell her how you felt. I have pined over boys and wondered about ex-boyfriends, too. What did I miss? Why didn’t I say this or that? And you know what, yesterday was yesterday, today is today. I can’t change the past; I can only learn from it, and do things differently the next time. Like telling the people, in my life, I love them, regardless if they feel the same way about me or not, but I tell them for the simple reason that I feel it needs to be said.
Your teachers treatment of you as a child is her responsibility or karma — you were a child and were not able to stick up for yourself. Many people don’t know how to stick up for themselves. You know how that teacher made you feel, so what are you going to learn from that? What is going to empower you? Or are you going to blame yourself for something that happened to you that you had no control of? You were no loser, because your teacher, who was in a position of power, decided to beat a defenseless child. Honestly, she was the loser. Someone must feel pretty out-a-control and powerless to beat a child or even think hurting a child is ok.
Now you have people in your life, who you know admire your talents, but you don’t think they like you for who you are. I ask why? Why is it through meditation you are getting this feeling about them? Your unconscious may be right about these people. But could it be possible that your unconscious mind is trying to tell you, you will not feel loved until you love yourself. Are you with yourself? Are you your own best friend? The kind of best friend that would get mad at you for calling yourself a loser. You need to change your perception of yourself. You believe you are a loser, and until you let that image or feeling about yourself go, you can’t see who is standing with you. People can jump up and down, shouting I love you, you are great… but until you believe you are worth friendship, love, greatness, you won’t see it.
I also didn’t have a father who wasn’t around while I was growing up. This for me, was a contributing factor into what I believed about myself and the behaviors and relationships I chose to do/have in my life. His absence influenced me and my way of thinking in ways that I am still learning about to this day. I have done therapy, and it helped me tremendously. I have also read many books on forgiveness and self-love. I would recommend both to you also.
I have been where you have been. The self-doubt, using passive-aggressive behaviors to show my displeasure (cold-shoulder, silent treatment – a favored response), the distrusting of other people and their intentions, and the underlying belief that I didn’t deserve to be in a healthy relationship, so I chose men that were not going to treat me well or I pushed the good guys away and outta my life. I had the “conversation” too with many of them. The problem was I needed to have the conversation with myself. I didn’t trust myself. I didn’t love myself. I didn’t know how to stand up for myself or ask what I wanted/needed from anyone. I didn’t have the tools, and that is what therapy gave me. I didn’t start to change, until I started to look at myself, my beliefs and my behaviors. I didn’t start to change my behaviors until I started asking myself the hard questions. Such as, “why do I believe/feel that _____ will hurt me or leave me?” and follow that answer with, “is this a true statement?”, and if it is true (or untrue), “why?”
You asked “Could someone shed some light on how I can trust him more or stop my mind from running rampant with all the horrible ways this relationship could end? I really don’t want it to but it will if I can’t find some way to trust him and get more confidence.”
My response to your question is after all that rambling is: You, Chelsea, need to learn to trust/love yourself first before you can really, truly trust/love anyone else.