anita,

I believe the only thing that will help this feeling of distress is medication. Which – i am in the process of finding someone who can give me them! (it should not be this hard – healthcare for mental health makes me so angry!!)

i adapted the same way you did actually. exact. to be honest, i STILL do the same exact thing. but now when i do it, it makes me sad and more lonely. “25 year old day dreaming she has lots of friends” – boy, that sounds pathetic.

Anita,

to me my mind is always distressed. to others, it may sound like an exaggeration. but i do not know of a moment when my mind is not attacking me with some ruminating negative thought.

I have said various times in this thread that I like to use tiny buddha as my diary. To me, in the beginning, it was a place to just write all my thoughts – a solo activity. I had no idea i would be in constant communication with someone through this site. Thus far, i have logged on many times to write any thought i have in a moment of distress. (when i went hiking for example). What i am stating is, i will no longer do this. I will just write it somewhere else, not in a forum. I had thousands of thoughts this past Monday, however, in the past i would have logged on constantly and posted them here. Instead, I wrote them for myself.

What happened last May is simply that they took me home (i was not living at home at this time). My father refilled my antidepressant i was already on and i started going to therapy. they realized it was something real. my dad said “i understand this is a disease and our goal is to get you better.” i could tell that my dad was upset that he was not aware of this until it got this bad. (but he was – i told him in college). after time passed however, statements that were not positive would creep through from both parents.

“your sister put this in your head that you have these genetics.”

“you are just lonely. this is why you should live at home”

“you can’t move across the country. what will you do there all alone when this happens again.”

“see how we helped you right away”

they would keep making statements about how eventually i should be off medications. and best of all, they never took any credit that maybe my upbringing and my life is the reason i feel like this. other than that, i do not remember much. maybe i could answer questions you have better.

I don’t mind to explain. However, I am confused by what you mean when you say this may be difficult for me to participate in. Haven’t I been participating?

Yes. I guess I do sometimes feel safe. Especially if I create it in my head. Especially with men.

Last May I was in my apartment. And I had suicidal ideations. I was scared of my thoughts and to be alone. I called my friend and went to her house. She tried to make me feel better. Cooked for me. All I kept telling her is that I wanted to tell my dad. So I called my dad. And he was about and hour away with my mother. They drove to my friends house and she told them what I had been going through.

The most distressing thing though as I have said recently is this forced feeling about my puppy. I think I am rather traumatized still from my old dogs death. Who looks very similar to this dog. I also always dreamt of getting my own dog. Rescuing him and him looking a certain way. And I guess my puppy does not look this way and he came un planned. One of my most bothersome thoughts is “if I saw him walking down the street, would I think he’s cute?”

Why do I have such horrid thoughts. He’s an animal. I love animals. Why is this happening.

I felt safe for the moment. Maybe an evening. But then I felt unsafe again because I knew emotional abuse would ensue shortly.

I would like to continue with you too. I guess I am not that alone after all.

I know that I am getting better. Everyone left this morning and I felt so lonely and put so much pressure on myself to be that “cool free girl who just goes and explores the city on her own”.

I cried a bit. But then. Here I am. I am at a cafe. I am writing in a journal my sister has bought me. We are doing the “daily stoic journa.” I am sitting in front of art. Eating an avocado grilled cheese with veggies. Drinking jasmine green tea. I will then, in two hours, take myself to a movie. This is a victory. One of the things that hinders me the most is the pressure voice in my head. “You should do this. And be like this. And why can’t you be like this”

Yes we will. I feel so unsafe all the time

everyone has left for the airport. And I have the day to myself here before the flight back home. I keep pressuring myself to just go explore and make the most of the day. However, I feel hindered. I feel just so alone. Not because I am here alone. But because I am. Especially after spending a weekend like this with people who are so close to each other.