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cali sister

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Viewing 15 posts - 46 through 60 (of 338 total)
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  • in reply to: New and Improved: the journey, rebirth, a new world #318279
    cali sister
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    I am headed to sleep. I have some interesting thoughts to share tomorrow. Good night.

    in reply to: New and Improved: the journey, rebirth, a new world #318265
    cali sister
    Participant

    Oh Anita !!! You wine drinker !! Haha totally joking! I want to share a nice message I got from any office mate. He is a father. Probably almost 60. He helped me with the police situation and told me where to go etc. since he’s familiar with the city.

    Sorry about the Police situation. You have no reason to live in any kind of fear. You conduct an exemplary life, and are not going to be young forever, unfortunately. You need to enjoy this time. You’ve worked hard to get where you are, and should not feel guilty about your independence.

    a very nice message.

    in reply to: New and Improved: the journey, rebirth, a new world #318261
    cali sister
    Participant

    I hope you feel better.

    in reply to: New and Improved: the journey, rebirth, a new world #318259
    cali sister
    Participant

    Anita,

    I know you know this but I just need to say it. Please, if you are tired, please please please rest.

    So. With regards to what you have written. Okay. That is my homework. I like having homework. Or a duty. I’m used to that. After studying for so many years.

    so don’t feel any type of way. Just feel. I think it will help if I document it. So let’s see – right now, I just got some wine with a co worker. I feel happy and excited to go home and see my dog. I have dinner plans later so I’m excited to try a new place. I will dress nicely. I’ll send a pic !!!

    in reply to: New and Improved: the journey, rebirth, a new world #318243
    cali sister
    Participant

    anita-

    my response to this never posted… oh no!

    Bascially though – okay – yes the baseline must change. I am at a loss as to how…

    in reply to: New and Improved: the journey, rebirth, a new world #318121
    cali sister
    Participant

    It makes sense – I like how it looks too. Ok, I will wait for your response.

    in reply to: New and Improved: the journey, rebirth, a new world #318115
    cali sister
    Participant

    Hi anita! (May I ask why you do not capitalize the A?)

    Yes – you are accurate with this regard. Accuracy – 100%!! That image is almost true when she would make food.

     

    How about the other stuff? The chronic boredom. The fantasy causing harm? The routine..

    in reply to: New and Improved: the journey, rebirth, a new world #318107
    cali sister
    Participant

    Good morning,

    I have thought a lot about what you wrote. Reality is boring and not exciting. Is that just something we accept? Why can’t life be exciting?

    I remember having this conversation with my therapist a while back. She was staring how most people are just ok with their weekly routine. To me, a daily routine sounds horrible and boring. Why have a mundane routine when every day can be a celebration? And that is quite honestly how I live my life. Everyday is different for me. Yesterday I went to hot yoga, cooked for the week, took a hot shower and watched tv. Tonight – I will go to yoga but I will also be going to dinner with a new friend. Tomorrow I am going to a music concert.

    It’s interesting. How I think this way. For example, when people state that weekends work best for them for social activities because they do not do much on weekdays – gym, dinner, sleep —- I never understand it. Isn’t that such a boring week? I do not want to be that way, but I do wish I didn’t feel so “bored” all the time. This is regardless of friends or things that I do-  like I wrote to you. It’s just a feeling.

    I understand this fantasy life. Like we both have shared. When I was a child – yes I understand it was rich and exciting. But now- this fantasy of being with this man is not calming. It is causing harm because it is not real. It has a negative effect.

    So. We must tackle this boredom. Perhaps it has to do with the fact that when I was growing up, parrot raised me to have a problem occupying every neuron in my brain. So there was always something, something bad to worry about and focus on. Perhaps since I am away from that, I do not know what to think about or focus on. My mind is blank (but it’s not at the same time). Now I am going in circles.

    hmm – but it’s interesting. I could be out with friends every night of the week. I could be at an amazing art show or concert. In those moments, I still feel bored. What is this …

    in reply to: New and Improved: the journey, rebirth, a new world #318051
    cali sister
    Participant

    Hi Anita – we can continue this here – from my email

     

    I want to figure out a way to lessen this frustration of wanting something exciting and stimulating. Yes it is normal to want it – but my distress about it can be healthier.

    in reply to: New and Improved: the journey, rebirth, a new world #317995
    cali sister
    Participant

    I completely agree and understand.

    We are both very excited for the trip. And I think that is all I have to say for this topic. Will look forward to your email.

    in reply to: New and Improved: the journey, rebirth, a new world #317983
    cali sister
    Participant

    anita,

    I appreciate you doing that. Instead of telling me that – she copied and pasted to me this AM that you typed that to her. I responded saying that it’s best for us to not copy and paste our convos with you — that was the agreement, as you know. So, she hasn’t told me that herself. But pasted that you told her to. This is common behavior on her part. She would do the same with her husband. But that is her issue, not mine.

    Thank you for the congrats! Every time I think of it, I feel a dark sadness and then it goes away. Never would I have imagined my life this way as a child.

    Today she sent me some ground rules you two came up with. It is odd how she did it. Again, condescending in a way. Almost like – look anita said this so you have to do it. I told her what I need – esp for our trip that is coming up. See below:

    1. no talking about others or their body types in a negative matter.

    2. no talking about your own body type (she is very thin – and calls herself fat all the time, not protecting my own self esteem issues that I have since I have been called the fatter sister)

    3. No talking about her friend S – who she sometimes obsesses over

    4. Letting me decide what to eat and drink for myself (she tries to overpower me a lot and tell others what I like and do not like..disabling me from creating my own opinion)

    5. No asking me if I’m ok constantly – her way of projecting her own anxieties on me and hoping to blame it on my behavior (example, if she isnt feeling well, she tends to irritate me to get me in a bad mood so that then she can blame her bad mood on mine)

    6. no need to be overly friendly to others when we travel. she ignores her own thoughts or what I am saying and focuses rather on other people.

     

    in reply to: New and Improved: the journey, rebirth, a new world #317965
    cali sister
    Participant

    1. protein and milk for breakfast

    2. fresh air when it is stuffy indoors

    3. candles for aura/peace

    4. company when lonely – company that is not exhausting; company that I know well and do not have to explain myself

    5. time alone when distressed with pup

    6. meditation in morning and evening – can even be breathing exercises – max 3-5 min

    This is all I can think of right now.

    in reply to: New and Improved: the journey, rebirth, a new world #317945
    cali sister
    Participant

    anita,

    It is my freaking turn to be protected (I laugh as I read that because I remember how angry I was and wrote the word “freaking!”

    What is behind this sentence: I feel that my life has been about protecting the feelings of others. My sister will speak of being the one who kept the family together and how she had to do so much work – but in reality this was me (this has been discussed in great detail with my therapist). How she spoke for years that she kept the family together undermined the trauma of my role, as indeed the keeper and the scapegoat. She left the house at 18, when I was 11. So, I spent much of my life growing up in the home without her. I had to protect my mother from my father. My father from my mother. My sister from what they said about her. My parents from what my sister said about them. Everyone told ME everything. I had to hear it all. All the bad. And in the end there was me. My thoughts, my feelings, my fears. They were not important. Everyone was too busy telling me their issues. No room for mine. I kept everyone safe. I made everyone feel better. I was always the “wise” one. My parents gave my sister no responsibilities (she would lie a lot, she was very messy, and was forgetful) – so if they ever went on a vacation, I was in charge of the home. I was always in charge. The protector. The protector of feelings, fears, the home. When it came to my worries, if I showed even a brief moment of emotion, I was yelled at. I was tagged as “the one who always has a problem.” I was called weak. And they would say, “we have too many things to worry about, stop burdening us with more.”

    When I was young, I will NEVER forget this moment. I had severe OCD – horrible, obsessive thoughts with physical manifestations. I was so overtaken that I went downstairs and opened up to my father about it. I was in tears and I said please help me. He said (I can’t fully remember) but something along the lines of, “Don’t think those thoughts. You’re too young for stress. What do you think will happen when you are older.”

    Protection. Never safe. It is my turn to be taken care of – and perhaps this is why I long for a man to come into my life. My turn for others to take into account my feelings and my past.

    The reason my crush thing bothers me so much – is I just got it – it makes me feel vulnerable and unprotected. His behavior, like I wrote to you in email, tends to dictate my feelings of the day. This is not healthy. And I want to put an end to it. The external must stop affecting my view of life, of the day.

    in reply to: New and Improved: the journey, rebirth, a new world #317871
    cali sister
    Participant

    Yes that is true. But I moved here for me – so like you said. I will enjoy it as much as I can. I was feeling very emotional before. But with time .. let’s see how I feel.

    You had asked me perhaps last week to make a list of things that I NEED. Could you please elaborate on this – and then I am really excited to make this list.

    in reply to: New and Improved: the journey, rebirth, a new world #317851
    cali sister
    Participant

    Anita,

    I know we are emailing – so this we can address after all of that is dealt with. I want to apologize if I have seemed a bit all over the place today – or have ignored some parts of your posts. I am having a bit of a hard time, which I’m sure you can probably tell.

    I feel very sad that my sister is moving. I cried when I got home, and I think this is also part of the reason I cried on Saturday. We are finally close again and have started hanging out more. Our relationship is becoming healthier. Both of us just recently moved close to each other. It has not even been a full year yet. Our dogs literally love each other. They are inseparable. I finally feel like I have the love of family. And now..I found out they will be leaving in the next 2-3 months. How this breaks my heart.

    I almost feel like….it can’t just be good for me. Something can’t just work out. And I do not mean this in the “woe is me” victim way. I finally go NC – and now my sister will leave. I do not have any family here. I have no one essentially. It is scary and sad – why must I live like this? Should I move too? (I will not, but I don’t understand why family should be apart..esp because of the trauma we have experienced). I just want something to work out for me – if that makes sense. Something good, something happy. I am sick of spending so much of life alone. It has been so nice getting closer to my brother in law. And I wish they would stay longer..I feel like we are getting closer, and then WOOP they leave. I do not really understand the point of love being so far away.

Viewing 15 posts - 46 through 60 (of 338 total)