What you said was absolutely perfect. On point. Couldn’t have said it better myself. It’s almost like I wrote it myself.

so selfish. The most selfish. Not cooking for me when I couldn’t chew. Not shopping for me when she would take me to the mall. SELFISH.

anita,

Busy day at work today.

Yesterday – I practiced talking highly of myself as well. And it was fine and made me feel good. And I had a good time. No aggressiveness. No stressors. Just a fine time with the girls. One of the girls, P and I had become closer recently. We would talk individually through text message almost every day. Ever since I went NC, she has stopped that communication. Our contact now is only in group settings. It amazes me to see people do such things and be ok with. She is one friend that I observe a lot because her behaviors are very different than mine. She truly does what is best for herself and her own sanity. (I think she takes it to an extreme where it does become selfish) – but still something to learn from. Or perhaps not learn, but observe.

I am going to email you now about crush.

calisister

I enjoy writing with you so much. I like how I have these practices that I can do and that I can share it with you. Makes it less lonely.

I’ll respond to that soon. Something more urgent. Hanging out with BJP in 15 min. The group of girls.

sometimes recently I get angry at them when they are too smiley or talk of themselves highly. Or are too silly. I’m writing this all quickly. So I may not make sense. But – it’s like instead of rejoicing sometimes with them on a joke. I get angry that they are so .. I don’t know the word. What is this? Perhaps I am angry that they are so happy to lucky and not struggling with such a large thing? But I don’t think that’s what it is. It’s only a part of it. ESP P. The younger friend. She’s 24. And she talks of herself a lot and the others just giggle. When usually I wouldn’t dare to say half the cocky things she says. And I feel that if I were to say that- the others wouldn’t be laughing along with it.

Anita,

thank you for your kind words.

the other woman is not in the group of friends. She is my separate friend. I’m invited her to wedding actually ! – we got pretty close.

Something I’m struggling with is time. I feel like ok finally after 27 years – I freed myself from parrot abuse. And now I’m scared that tomorrow I’ll be diagnosed with something crazy. I am having a hard time being OK with that things can be ok and that I do have time. Instead – my anxiety goes to- but what if I don’t have time. What makes me think that deserve a healthy life?

A lot of this comes from the fact that I see about 20 cancer or very sick sad patients every day. So it is quite traumatizing

• This reply was modified 4 years, 6 months ago by cali sister.

Dear anita,

yes very true – a run is a run!

after the race, I took a bubble bath and ate some lunch. I’m in bed with pup right now. Tearful. All my thoughts are not together. So not sure why yet. I’ll write soon.

Good morning Anita,

I wrote a post and then it disappeared ! Anyway – I was saying how I’m on my way to my first marathon. I haven’t been able to exercise since I went NC so I’m excited to let some energy out.

I am hoping to write to you about the crush soon because it is anxiety inducing for me. So I am excited to explore it with you.

I hope you have a nice weekend

cali sister

Hi Anita,

I just returned from meeting this new girl, L. She was wonderful. I’m going to head to bed now. Write more tomorrow. Have a nice slumber.

also – your husband is very lucky to have a woman like you.