Hi

I decided to post here again.

Did you feel that she felt inferior to you in that period? Did she makes some comments of that nature? For example, did she make you feel guilty because you have a better job and earn more than her?

When she was cleaning and I had better job… I think yes I thought of her as inferior. She is younger and I already had more money, I paid for her many times. So I think I saw her as less capable at this time. Also I did shopping, made dinners etc. She usually just stayed at home doing nothing.

Yeah, it doesn’t seem like much to ask, since she had plenty of time at her hands. What is important is how you viewed her: did you view her with respect, regardless of where she works and how much she earns, or you viewed her as beneath you?

I know I wrote earlier I saw her as less capable. But I never bossed her around. I never made her feel like I was paying for things.. I wasn’t rude to her like she is now to me. I feel like.. I could say now to her: “I used to buy things for you and paid for pizza, cinema tickets etc and I was never rude to you. And now you pay for avocado or give me money for balcony chair and you are treating me as if I was a stay home wife, taking your money.” But I don’t want to be a jerk and say those things to her. What I don’t understand is… She was at a bad moment in life and I was there, I didn’t care about the money. I just paid for everything. And now she has a chance to drive me to supermarket (I don’t have a car) and she uses it to feel superior. She even once said “I drive you and you can’t even have a good mood” – like I was required to be cheerful and thankful because she is driving me. I never thought of this that way. I thought WE were driving together, not that she was driving me…as a favor.

so i started to be more cheerful, more nice. And she started to be mean during shopping. and impatient, because… what else do I want to buy…

You felt bad for asking her to prepare a meal, or pick up a package once in a while, right? It could be that you felt bad because she didn’t do it gladly, she might have indicated that you see her as inferior if you ask that of her?

I think she wouldn’t feel inferior. Maybe it’s me who did not want to offend her by asking this.

Okay, it does seem like you were reluctant to say anything positive about your job and your own achievements, because you were afraid it would offend her? That she would see that as bragging?

I did not want to make her sad. I don’t know how she would perceive this.

So my question is: was she actually blaming you for having a better job than her, and so you felt you needed to walk on eggshells around her, not to offend her?

She wasn’t blaming me. But she had a hard time at work here, and previous one where she cleaned. So I always pretended like my job is shitty too. But maybe that’s just my point of view, maybe she would have been okay with me being successful etc. I am not sure. It’s just my choice that I undermined my own achievements so that she would not feel bad.

Today there was again this situation.. I don’t know if I am overreacting.

We were buying some snacks and we were at the counter. I already had my credit card and wanted to pay. When the assistant said I can pay, she said “I will pay” and I saw she was already paying.

Next we were picking up takeaway dinner at the restaurant. Again I was going to pay, I already had my credit card. And she did the same thing. She said “I will pay” and quickly paid before I could say anything.

Am I overreacting? Or is she disregarding me?

If I saw she was already holding credit card to pay I would at least say: “I will pay you back”, or “I will pay next time”.

I think she is disrespecting me by acting like this.

Hello Anita.

It’s not easy. I think they want to use me, give me much more work than other people. They give me more trainings.

And the late hours are killing me. I don’t like it here.

you are looking for.. someone to depend on.

yes.

As a child, you were too lonely for too long, and that’s the dark and lonely place in your mind and heart now. The solution is indeed to find someone you can depend on, and that someone has to be you.

I understand. But how. I feel like… I am not capable to..save myself. To be my own parent.

I don’t think that we discussed the topic of the inner child, have we?

No, I think we did not.

HI Anita,

Good to see you have replied.

And thank you for congratulating me. I have been so caught up in my “misery” I forgot I should be happy. my anxiety ruins everything, every change in my life. When I got my own place I was crying for days because it felt so gloomy, lonely, dark.. My fear ruins everything for me.

Now it’s similar to every change in my life that I go through. Regardless if it’s good or bad I always see it as a dark, lonely place. Maybe it’s because in my childhood no one really was there for me when I changed schools, lost friends etc.

And so now I am in a dark place too.

I will try hugging myself, thank you.

I will not always feel scared, feelings pass. I know. I know.

I know it’s my anxiety and I notice I start obsessing again. It’s always there in those moments. I have this colleague in new team, I really want her to like me. I think she’s cool but very… she lives her own life in a way, it’s not very outgoing and excited like the rest of the people. I think she would be a good friend for me in this team. Since then all I think about it how to make her like me. But I know I cannot do this, it does not work that way. But I really want her to like me.
I want to stop obsessing over it and stop thinking but it’s difficult. It’s not the first time I fantasize and obsess over someone I don’t even know. I hope this can stop because I have trainings with her and I don’t want to act weird or say something awkward. I want to be normal..

thank you both, Jasmine and Anita for your great support! 🙂 I really appreciate it and I needed this.

It’s okay Anita. It’s difficult sometimes to get the whole story here on the forum. The members can sometimes get the wrong impression.

And yes, it was a good idea. I was not thinking about it recently and I think it’s better if I not bring it up anymore. For now at least, when she clearly stopped giving any reasons for me to suspect anything.

You are welcome, Caroline. What I am reading in your last 2 of 3 sentences is courage. Think of preparing for the difficulties you expect to have, practically prepare, best you can.

Thank You Anita, I just saw this post (I am not using email notifications). I am starting next month and I know it will be hard but I am prepared for difficulties and I will take responsibility for my decision. I am sure if it’s too hard I will make it work somehow or change job in two years perhaps. But I am in a good space in my head.

Just quiet down (having a sitting practice is huge) and let the truth be revealed.  Yes there are many sides to every decision, so not saying just blindly follow your heart.  but rather use your inherent wisdom to gather as much information as you can and set your intention.

Steven, Thank you, That’s exactly what I am trying to do. And it works, that’s true. Thank you again for posting here!

you don’t want to be used as a means for an end, the end being meeting him and spending time with him, and you don’t want to be lied to, as part of being used.

that’s exactly how it looks to me and how I feel about it.  I spent a lot of time with them both and I felt it.. it wasn’t the flirting, they were not that obvious  but there was something, you know what I mean? Sometimes you just feel… there is something going on. And he was kind of.. mesmerized with her too. He even told me one time he was idolizing her, just like that. It was something he felt and knew and he said it like it was obvious, nothing new, for him. He liked her, he liked the attention and now he probably…got wiser. Because his wife was pregnant, so..come on.

And.. see? I’ve been talking about this like it is my business. I don’t like that, this whole fact that I am involved in this.

pretending that she wants to meet you and spend time with you because of a strong connection she allegedly has with you.

Exactly. she tells me this a lot, but I don’t feel it. I would describe it as we are coworkers or coworkers besties and that’s all. It’s a lot, I like her, yes, but it.. has its limitations.

it is not one of the worst crimes people commit against others, but it’s still wrong and hurtful to be used and lied to. So, if I was you, I will no longer allow her to use you.

I agree, it’s not the worst, knowing that we like each other. As I said, we do, but we would like meet once or twice a year, That’s how I see it.  I even suspect.. I don’t want to overdo it, maybe it was not on purpose, but now it looks otherwise.. she once came here for the whole weekend, to go for a concert. She arrived on Saturday and the concert was Saturday night, and she stayed till Sunday. She told us she was coming.. and none of us proposed a meeting. I could not meet and he, obviously couldn’t either. None of us said anything. But we all agreed to meet Sunday morning for a breakfast. The concert was.. not even particular band. It was music from various bands, like something.. nothing special and nothing particular. Some famous rock songs sang by different people. I believe it is not something you would drive for hours and stay for the whole weekend and spend money on. But I am not sure, right? I will never know. I am a bit angry for all this. (But it’s okay, it will pass, as you said it is not the worst crime.)

Her answer (“he is just annoying coz ‘he’s a guy‘”) reads like an answer an infatuated school girl would give when caught off guard with a question such as the one you asked her.

Yeah. So now I know. Also when I asked her she took loooooonnnggg to answer. I saw she was texting (you can see that in messenger) and it took long long time. And she answered something basic eventually and at the end she asked: is this what you were asking or … ?

So weird and shady and.. I don’t know. I think I have the right to be angry here.

So let’s see how this develops. I think she knows that I know. Even if she denied, she knows.. I asked this directly (good idea) so she is aware. We are planning to meet Saturday so I am hoping to get this resolved.