Dear Anita,

Thank you for that re-affirmation. I saw the photo cover, and part of me felt sorry for him. As if me and my sister have broken my parents hearts etc. That was always what they did. Even though they gave us constant grief, anger and were so unjustly harsh on us, whenever we stood up for ourselves, they would play the victim card and make us feel guilty for hurting their feelings. It was a lose-lose situation: endure the misery and anger of them, or stand up to them and then feel horrifically awful, as if we had just done something really awful.

I thought it strange, because the last time I had contact with any of my close family was back in the summer. I think I told you about this at the time. My sister trapped in her vicious cycle, and being mad and mean at me because I couldn’t help. My Dad texting briefly, then not replying, and my sister being called up by Mum, who said “You and Cat have made your decision. That’s it”.

I haven’t heard from any of them since. From my perspective, my parents created this toxic, abusive, guilt tripping, Co dependent relationship. They had 2 children, who grew up within that. 1 recognised these traits and strove to break free. The other just repeated the attitudes and beliefs she was taught.

As much as I care about them all, due to their, selfishness/lack of respect, they fail to see or respect me for who I am. If I am not being the person that they want me to be, or giving them what they need, they don’t love me. And I don’t believe that this is how people should be treated.

Cat

Dear Ram,

Sorry I thought I replied to this!! Thank you for reading through all of mine and Anita’s messages, that is some dedication!!

Anita has helped me greatly since last December, and I have kept her updated throughout my progress!!

In terms of the BPD, I found that CBT, mindfulness and tiny buddha really helped me.

I wish you luck, and hope that you continue to progress, hope tiny buddha works for you too.

Cat

Dear Anita,

I will reply properly when I go on a computer at the library. Should be either today or tomorrow. In general I am surprisingly best I’ve ever been. A lot of positivity and hope for what’s coming. Will explain more later, Cat xx

Dear Anita,

I hope this message finds you well.

Things have calmed down a lot from the Toby situation. Things continue to change with me, my life, my values, attitudes, beliefs etc. Have been for the past two months, as think I am finding a sense of grounding in myself.

Not sure if I mentioned, but when I was 20/21 I sought salvation at a multi-faith ashram Skanda Vale in Camarthen, Wales. You can stay there for free, as long as you volunteer for 3 hours a day – polishing brass/ gardening etc. Indian families go there from all across the world. There are 6 pujas a day, starting at 5 in the morning until around 8pm. It’s multi-faith, primarily Hindu and Buddhist, but there is a Christian service on Sunday.

It was there that I met my friend I was telling you about before. British Indian woman.We both went alone, and it’s rare for single women to go there alone. We bonded well, and we would stay up every night drinking tea and talking about life together. She came to my graduation 🙂 🙂

Anyway, at the end of each puja – they play ‘Om Namah Shivaya’ by Krishna Das. It’s 11 minutes and I love it. I have been playing it more recently, and I played it the other day, prayed and released on my worries, then I played guitar and started growing in confidence and loving it. It was the best time I’d played guitar because I allowed myself to enjoy it – it made a world of difference.

I am starting to pray more, and I would like to learn Sanskrit.

There’s more going on with me, but will tell you in future message/ discuss in future message.

Also, I’ve been meaning to ask for ages now – I’ve noticed that when you write a message, you always Capitalise the first letter of everyone else’s name, but you don’t use capitals for your own name, it’s always ‘anita’ – is there any reason for this??

Cat

Dear Anita,

I wish that everyone was as patient, respectful and considerate as you are. I can find it really hard times with situations – take this Toby one for example. Where I approach people with genuinity, understanding and kindness and do come across liars, bullies, game players and people who aren’t really that nice. I’ve seen so many pretend to be nice or good people – it’s actually quite dark the more I think about it, and a really big problem, especially amongst younger people I feel. Why don’t people WANT to be nice? Or WANT to progress themselves? Or WANT to be decent people??!

In an earlier message you wrote:

‘From my understanding of you, Cat, you don’t get to know the men in your life, you don’t take the time. Instead, you assume they are wonderful, put them up on that pedestal and look up to them as your superiors. Then you proceed to tell them everything about yourself, sort of  sinner confessing to god. As if the man on the pedestal has this superior brain-computer that is able and willing to process the information you give him and figure out what to do so to make your life better’.

And you are right. I have done this many times with guys, and I am still thinking as to why I do do this. I project an image on to them that I see – decent, caring, reliable, understanding, boyish etc. All these qualities I see in them. Maybe this is what I seek in an ideal boyfriend. Maybe these are qualities that I have in myself, I am not sure. I think I’d like to think that if I am myself, and honest with someone, then the right person will see me and accept me for who I am…. And anyone who doesn’t isn’t worth it. I guess that’s the philosophy I’ve been going with, in terms of being open with guys. I am a big personality, and I don’t hide that from people – sometimes I question myself on doing this, and sometimes I fail to see myself or how I come across. I’m not sure.

I know, I know. The worst thing about Toby is that he’s intelligent, and chooses to be an asshole. Chooses. He chooses to play with people’s emotions. I’ve sent him this one last message:

‘I’m going to be honest, and just say it’s best for me if we don’t talk anymore. I’ve only ever been 100% and honest and real about everything and also upfront and straight up about what I wanted from this. As much as you kept sating you’re not a manipulator or a liar, I think it’s really quite obvious that you are And also only out for your own personal interest or gain. You seem to be able to lie and switch emotions on and off, which is quite sociopathic. And I think you take pleasure in the idea of pursuing someone, or making someone interested in you, to boost your own ego temporarily, and I feel that there’s also a sadism in the way that you flatter people to make them feel like you’re a nice person, and then remove all respect for them and ignore them. I feel like you enjoy, take pleasure from and revel in doing this with people. It’s really quite sad. You’re an intelligent person, but yet you’re so addicted to your own suffering, or maybe really are just a sadistic sociopath, that you don’t use your own intelligence and experience to heal. You just keep creating more hurt and more pain by presenting the world with falsities all the time.

I did try and understand you and talk to you on a level, but you proved again and again that you weren’t the person you initially said you were. Which begs the question: do you even know yourself? I’ve been torn as to whether you’re this emotional, sensitive guy who’s been hurt and uses the asshole card as an excuse to not get close to people, or if you are just a sociopath. Even the term ‘Fuck boy’ is a surface level label for a sociopath centered on women – stemming from years of sexism, gaslighting, misogyny and male privilege. Either way, your attitude and behaviour isn’t anything special. I’ve seen it before and I’m sure I’ll see it again. It isn’t unique or individual, it isn’t intelligent, it isn’t attractive and it isn’t beneficial in any way, shape and form to our culture. It’s actually just cowardice and in turn actually turns your own persona in to a product of the society you claim to analyse and talk about a lot. I don’t think you have a right to point fingers at a culture or society when your behaviour adds to and creates some of its problems as well.

I think you crossed paths with me because I’m intelligent and can see past all the bullshit. It’s just another disappointment for me, being a caring person, as I genuinely did give a shit about you and did feel a natural passion there, but now I think it’s all just been part of this false fabrication you’ve been showing me. I don’t do well with being fucked with which is why I’m telling you the harsh truths. I don’t know what you gain from this apart from rubbing your hands in sadistic greed and pleasure at the thought that you hurt me, but you haven’t – you’ve just made me realise all the qualities, feelings and treatment that I don’t need or want in my life, and made me realise the real lack of progression that is currently happening.

If you’re left with a sense of pleasure, pride or ego boost from the time, energy or attention I’ve given to you then you’re mistaken. Because I get to walk away with a renewed insight in to my own life, standards and position in society, whereas you’re left with my harsh truths. What’s sad is that the person you presented yourself to be initially, and the person in my head – that I saw a lot of mutual qualities in, like honesty, genuinity, individualism, passion, depth – I get to walk away with all of that still, and continue to live on that vibration. But you don’t get left with that, you just get left with your empty shell of lies’.

Let me know thoughts,

Cat

Dear Anita,

You’re right about alot of things there – I’ll address them at a later date.

Last night I was going to type out the conversation that I had with Toby, to try and get a better view of the situation, but he replied and made things clear:

He said:

‘You’re super sweet, but I don’t want you to put me on a pedestal, not for modesty and not for sympathy but because I’m all smoke and mirrors, I’m okay with that but I’d be a shit head to use that as manipulation, your words hold poetic weight but mine say you have a fantastic ass and I want to eat your pussy”.

Pretty straight forward there. I feel relieved today, as I’m no longer attached to this ideal image that I thought he was, and have let it go. Later on he also said to me “Not everything needs to hold so much weight” – because I always have a comeback for things. He is right, it doesn’t and it made me realise that I do see a lot of weight in things. However, I think it’s more the case that a lot of men will put their own weight forward, but when a woman does it back its seen as a bad thing.

Cat

Dear Anita,

No reply from Toby as of yet. Such is the way. Such is the way. I don’t know what to say. It’s hard when I feel like there’s a special or honest connection with someone, and then its lost. Again, all I can say is, such is the way, such is the way.

It’s 5.17pm in Bristol. I’ve been in bed all day, as I did a 15 hour shift yesterday, so I’m exhausted. It’s on days like these, where I’m exhausted, feeling like I’m not worth replying to (etc.) that I have to fight my mental health from taking me down depression alley. Trying to remind myself of all the lessons I’ve been learning recently, and all the inner strength I have to make my life what it is on my own. I feel like, when you’re someone who has to teach yourself that, or unlearn the idea that someone else is responsible for your happiness – it really does feel like the impossible.

Cat

Dear Anita,

Yes, it’s been like that since we started talking. Sending those sort of honest paragraphs to each other about stuff. To be fair to him, he has put up with ALOT of self righteous text speeches from me. I think anyone else would’ve blocked me to be honest. That message he sent made me realise how I might be coming across – I may be talking too much about my CBT, tiny buddha, angel numbers, spirituality etc which might be intense and intimidating for someone who isn’t in to any of that…. I would like to reply to him and say that my beliefs don’t make me better than anyone else etc. And just have a chat with him about that.

I also realised that I was becoming attached to his replies, and so I’m trying to hold off messaging him for a while… I don’t want any of this to be a repeat of what’s happened with any of my previous exes, where I was obsessed with them and too focused on them.

Cat