Forum Replies Created
-
AuthorPosts
-
YueParticipant
Hi Eevee,
Reading your story, it sounds like the way you feel about A and C are more in line with a friendship than any romantic feeling. At 22, it is often easy to confuse the two especially when guys are trying to get into the relationship zone via the friend zone (most of us eventually grow out of it). If you don’t have strong friendships around you, you will end up entering a relationship just because you want a friendship. This can work to a point but the main problem is that when someone you feel truly connected to shows up, like B, you will be unavailable. It also goes without saying that it’s tough to break up with someone who loves you because you don’t feel
that way about them AFTER you’ve been out for a while.Personally, I try to avoid dating women who only have male friends becasue it usually means that she can only relate to men that are interested in her (which indicate poor social skills outside of the romantic world), that her self esteem needs to be boosted by male attention (which indicates insecurity within herself) and no matter how much we try, the relationship never work out because her main source of advice are from guys that wanted to date her. Generally speaking, the only men this type of women attract are hanger ons and users.
Before getting into a relationship, you should develop friendships with people that are not actively/passively trying to date you (e.g. other women). This will give you a point of reference re how you truly feel about a “guy friend”, a source of advice on how you should proceed and a comfort for when things didn’t work out.
YueParticipantHi Jasmine,
Thank you for sharing your story and I just wanted to say that you demonstrated incredible strength by leaving a toxic relationship whilst you were two months pregnant. Bassed on what you said, if you stayed you will have the support of your family and a job lined up for when you graduate but on the other hand you don’t want to stay in Alaska anymore. So it’s a battle in deciding what is logically best for you compared to what you feel you want to do.
As a suggestion, consider looking for a place that you want to move to, consider what is it about certain cities that attracts you, look for potential employment opportunities and take a trip down there for a visit before making any final decisions. If you have trouble deciding which cities to look for first, put together a list of things that are important to you (e.g. employment opportunities, average rent payment, availability of child care during work hours etc) before you start looking and you can easily cut the time by half.
I feel that if your heart have wanted to do this for two years, you should always make the attempt to follow it and see where it takes you. It maybe that during this process, you realised that you didn’t really want to move or that in order to move, you need to finish your degree and save up some money first or you find the perfect place you want to move to immediately. Instead of focusing on an outcome, just go on the journey and see where it takes you.
Hope that helps.
YueParticipantHi Jessa,
In a lot of ways, you have already answered your own question in that you know you will regret it if you don’t ask and there is absolutely nothing to be gained for not asking (while asking will present the opportunity for employment). Yes, it’s true that he may say no and if that’s the answer, it will be heart breaking and soul rendering but this pain is still far less than the disappointment you have in yourself for not asking. As an adult, do you admire someone who tried, failed but kept trying or someone who gives up before trying? Be the person you admire and you will build your confidence no matter what the outcome is for this encounter.
Oh and if it helps, we are usually more critical of ourselves than anyone else in the world. So you might think that he’s seen you at your worst but it’s highly likely that it’s not as bad as you thought.
YueParticipantHi Catherine,
“And it just occurred to me that maybe, like I said in my original post, I was already whole and loved myself enough to start a new relationship and love, but maybe it’s not because of me and because of a lack of self-love that it didn’t work out, maybe it’s just not the right person or situation? I feel like I’ve been blaming myself because the relationship didn’t work out. And that’s not loving myself. ”
Yup I did the whole blamming myself thing too and went on a journey to improve myself hoping to get back together with the ex for a year. As a result of that journey, I felt a lot more confident and comfortable in my own skin and had great authentic interractions with the people I meet a long the way. When I got back, the ex and I did give it another shot but it did work out because whenever I am with her, I feel like my old self and I didn’t like that feeling. I find that the thing about human relationships is that when we first get to know someone, we have a lot of steps and misteps along the way but once the routine is defined, it becomes very difficult to change it. The other thing I found when I returned is that though my internal landscape has changed, she is still caught in the same pattern. In the end, it’s just easier to end it rather than keep going.
I’ve been on a few dates since then and meet some interesting people and one of the things I’ve noticed now is that I pay a lot more attention to how I feel about the other person whilst in the past it is the other way around. If you are looking for an area for improvement Catherine, I would recommend bring autheniticity in your interraction with other people. Instead of trying to play the perfect game or present the best side, just let it be. I find that not only others respond better but that I enjoy our interractions a lot more as they are heartfelt and meaningful rather than just an exchange of information.
YueParticipantOh wow, thanks for sharing Catherine as I can see a lot of myself in what you wrote. I’ve also had a recent relationship break up where we seem to be perfect for each other in terms of appearence, intellect, hobbies and interests but for some reason it just didn’t work. I too tried everything I could to make it work and after reflecting upon it for a bit, I think this is the crux of the issue. Sounds crazy right but hear me out.
When we try to make things work, we usually do this by presenting our best side, which in some way say that we are not lovable if we are not perfect. The other thing is that if I tried to do everything perfect, it means that I am not comfortable in being vulnerable with the other person which lead her to being guarded around me as well. So even though most of our encounters were pleasent and civilized, it’s more like how friends behaviour around each other instead of lovers.
The other mistake I made in that relationship was that I tried to avoid way too many confrontations. There were a couple of things that my ex did that bothered me but instead of saying something about it, I just let it slide or worst, tried to change my perception by rationalising it in my mind. Again, this is akin to saying to myself that that if I express an opinion that disagrees with her’s, she will not love me. However, by avoiding potential frictions in a relationship, there will be no fire and no matter how pleasent it is, it will eventually fade over time.
So the next time I am in a relationship, I am going to avoid over thinking and just be. If it is going to last the distance, I have to present my true self and let it develop in an organic way.
YueParticipantHey Lexy,
I am in the exact same position except I only have one week left to wait (after waiting for 3 months). During this period, I started to focus on the other aspects of my life like moving house, buying new furniture, planning a holiday, do yoga, meditate and post on Tiny Buddha! I also started doing a bit of reading for my new job which helps to focus on the future mind set rather than the current one.
YueParticipantHi Emma,
Have you ever wondered that without the experience of your youth, you will not be the person you are today? Present Emma is wise, have good health, appreciate her partner and a good friend to others because young Emma have gone down the other road and realised how empty it all feels. One of the issues that you are going through at the moment is that whenever you feel happy about something, you feel that it is undeserved because young Emma will come out and remind you of how things used to be.
If you want to move on, a suggestion I have is that instead of judging young Emma for her wild days, be compassionate towards her. In our youth, we have a tendency to do things outside of our character in order to look for love and acceptance and some people will use this to get us do things that made us feel horrible about ourselves afterwards. This often leads to a lot of unresolved guilt leaving us thinking “how could I have let this happen to me? That’s right it’s because I was stupid and bad ” when it’s simply just a case of being young and naive.
So the next time young Emma shows up in your mind, don’t push her away or alieanate her from the present you. Just accept her and be proud of making it through the dark times.
YueParticipantHi Christiebae,
I’ve worked with a couple of women who has been in your situation and it’s a difficult experience. Just posting here shows that even though he spent years chipping away your confidence and maintained this practice in regular intervals, there is a little voice inside you that knows something is not right. Reaching out for help is a good first step to make that change.
After years of being told how you should feel, a way to get back in touch with yourself is to remove yourself from the immediate environment where he can’t contact you. Go on a holiday or if you can’t afford it, spend a couple of days with friends/family and make sure you turn off the phone in the interim. Personally, I find hiking helps to promote the healing process as it lets you forget about your troubles and focus on getting through your journey. Nature also have a way to enrich our spirits and just the feeling of the sun on your skin, the wind on your face and grass on your feet will make you feel a million times better than being in the city. Take a journal with you to jot down your thoughts and feelings during breaks and you will be amazed at how much your heart fills up afterwards.
The reason I recommend this is that it is because you understand the logic and perhaps even have ideas on how to get out of it. What is missing at the moment is the conviction to leave and deal with his persistence once you’ve made your mind up. Trying to move on with an empty heart will probably just be a repeat of the previous pattern so it’s better to arm yourself before the battle.
YueParticipantLike the other posters said, you’ve handled yourself perfectly in a tough situation. Well done Lucy.
With your ex, it sounds like he is confused about his own emotions. When the relationship ended, he feel in control over the situation because he was the one who broke up with you. But when you didn’t react in a way he expected you to (like crying or begging him to get back together), he became confused and thought, hey maybe she is just angry. Hence the apology text, again hoping to provoke some kind of reaction. When you didn’t respond, you took that sense of control from him and he starts to wonder. Suddenly, you feature more and more in his mind and he may even start to remember the good times you two had together. But instead of regreting how the relationship ended, he turned it into anger because generally speaking, men find it a lot easier to handle anger than hurt. This is evident when he over looked all the awful things he did to you while justifying his anger by focusing on you not texting him back. Keeping your things is a way for him to maintain a sense of control and a connection to you. When that was cut off, he acted out his pain by verbally abusing you because he wants you to feel hurt to make himself feel better.
In the next couple of weeks, he will probably try to contact you through text or social media. In my experience, these attempts usually come in two flavors: angry and/or full grovel apology wanting to get back together, promising that he will change etc. You might be tempted by the full grovel offer but remember that he didn’t do this for you, it’s just a way for him to feel good about himself again. As soon as he “got” you again, he will return to his old ways.
This is not something that you can help him with (or should). How we handle post break up emotions is part of growing up and in this case you’ve emerged as a woman, while your ex sounds like a child throwing a tantrum.
YueParticipantHi Rachel,
Kudos for recognising this unhealthy obessession and wanting to change it as it is never something that’s easy to admit to yourself. It sounds like your brain understands that no matter what this girl have, your partner still choose you over her but your heart is still reeling from the pain of the break up, which left you wondering who this person is, what qualities does she possess that attracted him in the first place and why he slept with her so soon after your break up. In some ways, she represents all the pain, doubts and insecurities you have experienced throughout the break up and even though things are going well now, you are still afraid of what might happen in the future due to those experiences.
If you are sounding out this girl’s interest level to your boyfriend by going through her profile, it means that there is a part of you that belive he might change his mind, given the right incentives. So it appears that the issue here is trust, both within your relationship and yourself. There are lots of article here that can assist with this but in the mean time, you might want to start off by deleting that girl from social media or if you are the type who is tempted to re-add people, just get rid of the thing all together. The more you feed the fear, the stronger it grows.
YueParticipantHaving worked in a similiar environment, I have experienced a lot of what you are going through right now. Like Keith said, a lot of managers feel that it’s ok to tell their staff that they are just a cog in the machine and give a “if you don’t like it, leave” attitude. If you stay in that environment for long enough, eventually you will believe in the lies they tell you and this will have a collapsing effect into the other areas of your life.
My suggestion: start looking for something else because it’s not worth spending the bulk of your time at a place that under values your input.
January 21, 2015 at 2:56 pm in reply to: Help me please! I am so torn and I have no one to talk to… #71740YueParticipantHi Alexis,
I agree with Staples and Raventrue (love that quote by the way) about keeping your distance. If you enter a relationship hoping to change that person, it means that you are not able to accept them for who they are even if the change is for their own good. If someone is not ready to change, which appears to be the case here, you are going to be frustrated in all the things he does (e.g. drink driving, ignoring your or just being drunk most of the time) while he gets frustrated for you trying to change him. Usually the relationship ends up as some form of co-dependency with lots criticism and attempts to fix problems.
Though it is true that some partners can help through an addiction period, the person being helped needs to have a lot of trust in the helper to overcome feelings of inadequacy, weakness and judgement. This is especially difficult for men as we are not raised to be emotionally vulnerable. If you want to persue a long term relationship with this person, let him be so that he can work his own way out of his addiction. Who knows, he may become the person you wish him to be all on his own and you two may reconnect sometime in the future. Otherwise, don’t spend years fixing someone else’s problem because no matter how much you invest, they are not going to get there unless they want to.
YueParticipantHi Sia,
Reading what you wrote reminded me of this quote:
” A ship in harbor is safe, but that is not what ships are built for”
If you are feeling so unhappy that physical illness started to manifest, it’s an indication that everything within you is rebelling against the idea of staying in chennai. Coming from a Asian background myself, I can understand the pressure of meeting parental expectations and their obession on external achievements. The idea of “put off what makes you happy now so you can have a good job, buy a nice house and marry someone successful” was a constant theme for me whilst growing up and it wasn’t until last year that I realised no matter how many milestones I’ve achieved, I was still unhappy because I’ve been leading the life that my parents want rather than the one that I want. Granted, I still believe that our parents had our best interes at heart, it’s just that the world is a different place now and their set of values no longer apply to the life that I want to lead.
The truth is, things like career, material goods and marriage are not going to make you happy unless you are passionate about it. How long can you stay passionate about your practice when you have communication barriers with your patients? How many times can you come back to an empty house you own before the feeling of lonliness consumes you? How can you meet the love of your life when you are unhappy and riddle with health problems?
My sgugestion to you is to have an open and honest discussion with your mother and tell her how you feel about this. Bottom line is, this is your life and though you respect her opinion, it’s your life and you are going to make a decision that doesn’t endanger your health. It’s going to be hard and I wish you all the best.
YueParticipantHi Steph,
It sounds like you are going through a tough time at the moment but you are definately not alone in this. Most people go through a phase in our life where we feel stuck, unmotivated and end up with a few bad habits (e.g. unhealthy eating habits or some kind of addiction). It usually happens when someone suffered a big disappointment in life and people do this to help them avoid doing things that may lead to further feelings of hurt and disappointment. The trouble is, your mind is telling you that you need to pull out of this but your heart just doesn’t feel it and when your mind is at war with your heart, you tend to end up with a lot of guilt and self criticism. This in turn feeds into the need to escape, like watching TV etc just to avoid feeling anything at all.
Things like passion and motivation are emotions that comes from our heart and a suggestion I have for you is to do something that you really love, something that you will have a good time in regardless of the results. For some peole, this can be things like travel, meditation, travel, drawing, journaling, walking….the list goes on. The important thing is that it is something that resonates with you rather than something that something that someone told you is a good idea. Also try to do this in a park if you can as the outdoors environment can do wonders for your mood even by just being there.
In regards to friends, making too much of an effort sometimes can have an adverse effect to what you want to achieve. The thing to remember here is that you are not going to like everyone you meet no matter how nice they are and the same is true on the reverse. If they don’t reciprocate your efforts, it’s better to move on than to invest energy into earning the approval of someone you don’t even like.
When meeting new people, I generally prefer someone who is genuine, comfortable in their own skin and open minded. It’s a bonus if they are intelligent and/or have common interests but they are secondary compared to the other traits, which anyone can learn.
January 18, 2015 at 3:45 pm in reply to: when does the pain of separation disappear…im desperate #71547YueParticipantHi Kate,
It sounds like you have made some positive steps towards getting out of a tough situation, which is not easy since your ex left you in a messy situation with little support. By going into therapy and moving his stuff out, there is a spark within you that says “well this is crap but it’s not going to beat me” and there is not much I can add in that area. The trouble is that when we have a relationship break up, it is very easy to focus on the past (e.g. reviewing what you could have done to change the outcome) and the future (e.g. how can I ever love again?). As there is nothing we can do to change the past and our future is yet to be determined, the only thing we can focus on is the present.
A suggestion I have for this is in addition to all the work you are doing with the overcoming your grief, do something that you enjoy and/or always have an interest in. At the moment, you may find it difficult to muster up the energy to try something new but one of the ways to become more optimistic about the future is to have something to look forward to in your calendar. This will also give your mind a chance to focus on something else and an opportunity to meet new people. By this I don’t mean you should jump into another relationship but as you’ve already recognised, the best way to convince that little voice in your mind that you are not going to be alone is to be with people who appreciates your company.
-
AuthorPosts