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  • October 31, 2018 at 2:56 pm in reply to: Trying to deal with anxiety and loss after relationship break up #234847
    Victoria
    Participant

    Kkasxo,

    You are right in everything you’ve said about my situation. Ultimately I think its fear that’s driving it.

    I have found that I had a life external to the relationship when I met him but gradually I have become a homebody (which I always have been) however, it means I haven’t made an effort to do things without him. Partially, I want to do things with him and share the experience.

     

    The distance will definitely help things. I do want to work on things. I agree though, I will sit down and look back at my older journal posts, this month has been overwhelming, it seems like so much has happened yet nothing has happened at the same time.

    In terms of the ring, he said he wanted marriage etc and I knew he did but he just took so long to commit to the point that his brothers wife said to him half-jokingly but serious that if he didnt make a move soon I would get bored and give up. Its not a case of pressuring him into something he doesnt want, for a man who prides himself on saying hes all action rather than talk I didnt understand why he sat on it at the time. I now get that he needs to be 120% sure before making any of these decisions.

    The ring was me saying why am I waiting for him to buy me a ring im buying my own damn ring. It’s also me giving the signal that I am interested in taking the next step.

    The problem is all I wanted was him to talk about our wedding or engagement in a serious way. Because he wanted to propose but it wasnt personal to him, it was a proposal that was very rom-com but it didnt have his personal touch if that makes sense.

    All I wanted at the time was for him to discuss it seriously.

    Anyway, I’m now having old feelings come back as he has his ex over who isn’t in the best state and he isn’t exactly officially back with me. So that’s on my mind.

    Going forward I’m going to work on my insecurities and building my confidence.

    “Is it just the love, desperation and idea of being alone that’s pulling you back to him ” – I have pondered this as well but I came to the conclusion that if it was the worry of being alone I wouldn’t be living in another city. I am aware you are meaning more like emotional loneliness.

    I think its strange because we started healing without each other, by the end of this month I have felt more at peace in myself and being able to be alone without spiralling into an overthinking mess. But I believe that is only because of routine, I was much worse when I was in limbo before uni started.

    “he failed me in the biggest way possible.” – out of curiosity and I profusely apologise if you have mentioned this but, how did he fail you again?

    “moment while it lasts because the next could look completely different! I’ve learnt that now.”- It’s awesome that you’ve learnt that from the experience. I think that is helping you now your ex has reached out. I also think that when he was on the lads holiday it distracted him from his emotions and now they’re hitting him.

    – V

    October 31, 2018 at 2:03 pm in reply to: Trying to deal with anxiety and loss after relationship break up #234843
    Victoria
    Participant

    Kkasxo,

    On top of that I got tired of questioning about marriage and rings so I bought my own, part of it was because maybe if he saw me with a ring on he would then see it as an option. Then with the open relationship it was a way for him to see that he cant just take me for granted I dont want to stay in a relationship for another five years with no sign of commitment or at least a serious discussion of it.

    Looking at that it’s rather manipulative, so then I am sat here thinking “omg I am just like my mum!” but I didn’t do those things to intentionally manipulate it was just encouragement

    The problem is that both those outcomes came true.

    Sorry it is Halloween and everyone has gone out whilst I am sat here overthinking as usual and doing some uni work.

    – V

    October 31, 2018 at 1:51 pm in reply to: Trying to deal with anxiety and loss after relationship break up #234839
    Victoria
    Participant

    Kkasxo,

    “it is always nice to find yourself fitting into jeans you thought you’d never get into again!” – Thank you for the gym advice, I will try it on Monday when my operation get back to a size 10 again starts.

    “It’s actually different but nice to hear people who may relate to my ex. I have a friend who is a hopeless romantic but on the other hand very focused on her career and is quite money motivated. Her life goals too have gotten in the way of her relationships previously and she herself has admitted that although she knows the way she does things is wrong, she can’t seem to do them differently! And perhaps that is what my ex feels also..” – Ah, your friend sounds rather like myself. Although, one reason I am rather driven is because I have been told I wont succeed so many times and I have failed at many things so I am determined to reach my goals, although this has come to mean I have sacrificed my relationship. You see I am confident with relationships, I know how they work/to some degree how to improve them, so I have found that I have neglected it trying to do better in other areas of my life. I think your ex seems to have demands from a lot of people in his life including himself, sometimes I think you meet the right person but at the wrong time, like you said it would be better in your thirties and he agree (if I remember correctly).

    “What are your current thoughts? Are you 100% in for the reconciliation? If so, I would say definitely go ahead with the weekend away! It’ll be nice to just spend some time together and get back to basics!” – I cannot say I am 100% in for the reconciliation right now, but I do think we need and have needed for some time a weekend away where neither of us are stressed. I suppose I think it will give us a new environment to see if the spark can come back. I think all I need is for him to show me he wants me, at the moment I feel like things have been a bit one sided but that could be the lack of communication.

    As for me, I’m no different I guess to where I was when we last spoke. The only difference probably is that my ex now feels slightly more comfortable reaching out to me. He makes sure to tell me good morning and goodnight every day which surprisingly I find odd and I ignore.”

    “Its taking me by surprise because a reconciliation with him was all I dreamt of UNTIL it actually happened and now I have no clue what to do with it, or if I even want it.” – This is interesting because I feel the same way with many things and to some degree its because as humans we are addicted to the chase of something, the thrill as it were then when we get something we were hoping for we are so surprised we got what we wanted we almost don’t want it anymore.

    I had a similar reaction when in march my bf pulled out an engagement ring order leaflet,I had wanted marriage that when he actually went ahead with it I had lost interest and was happy we were just together.

    The only thing that is bugging me currently is that this summer I was really worried about affording university and by moving back to my parents and gaining my mums approval as it were by breaking up with my bf she then gave me some of the money that has been sat in her name to give to me at 18.

    There is a large part of me which is worried that I did all of this just for money, I can justify it and say in the long-run its helped me feel independent again, however, I feel like a rubbish person.

    The last five years has been hard financially, health wise and with my personal relationship with my family. My mum has constantly been emotionally manipulative and when I ended up with health complications due to stress she and my dad couldve helped but she instead choose to push and pick at my life decisions. When I had a job it wasnt good enough and when I didnt have a job I was scrounging off my bf. Now I have access to this capital (however she is still giving it to me term by term) I feel like I have reclaimed something that others put money into to help me in the future.

    Currently I just feel like I am lying to my bf because when I say love you I cant feel it like I used to and im lying to my family by being the person they want me to be, for example, ive been saying ive been going out loads when in reality this last month has been rather lonely and most nights ive spent on my own.

    – V

    • This reply was modified 6 years ago by Victoria.
    October 31, 2018 at 12:41 pm in reply to: Trying to deal with anxiety and loss after relationship break up #234827
    Victoria
    Participant

    Evening Everyone,

    I have come back online after a four day hiatus. Hello azu, Brandy and Valora I will ensure to read back through the posts so I am up to date.

    I hope everyone is doing okay and getting through these long dark days!

    As an update: I broke up with my bf of five and a half years. This last weekend we reunited since our breakup. It was lovely to see him but I didn’t feel any massive overwhelming feeling when I saw him.

    I guess the only feeling I had was that I was grateful that he had come down to see me, to some degree I think we need a weekend away in a romantic hotel to try and get the spark back I suppose.

    To some degree I am torn, on one hand we can get back together fully however the downside of that is that it would a LDR, on the other hand we could do our own thing and if we are both single in two years (when Ive graduated and he’s paid his debt off) we can try again, but I know that that’s not what I want.

    However, I do believe fear is getting in the way of a clear decision.

    Originally I thought I had fallen out of love with him, however, all the signs that I still love him are there.

    In any of your past relationships have you lost the spark as it were? If so, how did you fix it?

    – V

     

    October 31, 2018 at 12:32 pm in reply to: Trying to deal with anxiety and loss after relationship break up #234823
    Victoria
    Participant

    Kkasxo,

    “We differ in a sense that I could live in a flat share for the rest of my life if it meant that we were together, because everything makes more sense when you have someone to share all the ups and downs with your significant other. Whereas he is so focused on everything else and will not focus on building a life with someone.” – this really resonated with me, I must admit your ex sounds like me in some ways. I find that I have allowed making money, studying etc (striving for us to have a better quality of life as soon as possible so he can pay his debt off) get in the way of the simple fact that its nice to have someone to share the journey with.

    “Work was hard today. I couldn’t really focus on anything if I’m honest. I’m not sure if depression is really surfacing now or if I’ve gone into some kind of autumn hibernation where I just want to eat and sleep. I’ve put on a couple of pounds in the last week or due to complete lack of activity bar leaving my house to get in my car and drive to work. So after contemplating for what felt like forever I convinced myself to go to the gym.” – You aren’t alone in wanting to hibernate, I bought a candy bowl and filled it with sweets…its already nearly empty and its been four days >.< (the aim was it would last at least a week and a bit).

    May I ask what you do at the gym? I joined it yesterday because I have spent a lot of time overthinking, feeling down or studying and I think exercise would enhance my focus and improve my rather embarrassing physical health.

    How has your day been?

    October 31, 2018 at 12:27 pm in reply to: A lone wolf. #234817
    Victoria
    Participant

    Evening Anita,

    I apologise for the late delayed reply.

    “Look back at the years you’ve known him: has he been trustworthy and in what ways?” – Yes he has always been my number one supporter as it were and has always been reliable.

    “Was he trustworthy, being there with you when you needed care?” yes.  “Did he deceive you? Did he say one thing and did something clearly contradictory? Did he make promises he didn’t keep?” – no.

    Thank you for the above questions, sometimes I need the most simple questions to get to the answer I am looking for, the answer I need to believe in.

    So as you know, last weekend he came down to visit me, it seemed natural because it was always the plan for him to come and visit me at uni etc. There didn’t seem to be any need to really talk in depth about our relationship because we’ve come to a mutual understand and overall decided that we need to improve in communication.

    As long as he understands or at least tries to understand that I have an irrational thought of people betraying my trust if I get really close to them and I understand that he feels like I don’t listen to what he says and that I just ramble about a topic (which I agree with).

    The only issue with this weekend was that I didn’t feel any concrete emotion about him coming down, there was no massive “omg he’s here” like I thought there would be, however, that could be due to me feeling tired or nerves.

    Currently, I am going to see my parents this coming weekend which is going to be a bit stressful. I feel guilty for not informing them about our reunited affair, however, I always question why people feel the need to tell their parents everything that is going on in their life to some degree, even though I have fallen into that trap. One theory is that as our parents have been overprotective as their child at times of uncertainty you want them to tell you if something is safe or not. Although, I have come to realise the old way I used to think when I moved out, which is its up to me to experience life and then from experience determine what is safe etc. One example is recently I have booked a lot of gig tickets and I am planning on attending on my own (which is the part I deem as safe) but I also plan to stay over in a hostel or hotel on my own (which due to comments from my parents my brain is telling me its unsafe).

    This week I have realised the following things:

    1.) I need to work on believing in my own opinions of the world.

    2.) The anxiety around the turning-on experience is part of my brain having a disbelief that I am safe from harm (for example I am scared to go to the doctor after being surgery last year in case in results in more surgery). I need to work on this. Currently, my solution is eating better and getting more sleep.

    3.) I may be unsure how I feel about my relationship with this guy. But I know that being half-in or out as it were caused uncertainty and limbo for both partys involved, so I am going to arrange a romantic hotel weekend break where neither of us are stressed and then I’ll decide. The reason for this is because I think environment and stress has been the main factors to the spark going out in our relationship.

    Oh another point, we have been saying love you and the problem with that is I know I do love him but when I’ve said it the phrase feels empty. Maybe we have said it so much that the effect has worn off?

    I apologise if I have rambled a bit.

    – V

     

    October 25, 2018 at 4:21 am in reply to: A lone wolf. #233177
    Victoria
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    So yesterday I was rather tired and emotional so I was feeling rather low.

    “You mentioned earlier an age gap between the two of you, if I remember correctly. I wonder how significant that gap is?” – 20 years.

    “I understand your discomfort about him having female friends with whom he had a sexual relationships in the past.” – a lot of this I don’t really have a massive issue with it unless other people do (like other girls or my mum- mainly my mum tbh), it’s rather hypocritical of me anyway because I have a lot of male friends but barely any female friends. I think I just made it into an issue because I myself was feeling insecure and a lot of his friends have qualities he likes in a partner and well, there’s history.

    “It concerns me that he is considering an open relationship in the future (what is that about?)” – I talked to him last night about this and I said “would you still be with me even if we never do the open relationship ever again?” (in reality I think it can work but only if the relationship is 110% and you aren’t in different cities) and his reply was “that was never a condition in the first place”.

    We actually had a really good chat last night and I felt at peace because for the last two days I’ve felt restless because our convos have either been filler-convos as it were or emotionally draining.

    Ultimately it comes down to fear. I have submit to fear which has made me scared to live life and scared to massively commit to him because even though a ring validates the existing feelings it felt like this overwhelming pressure to be on another level as a couple at the time.

    I kind of wish I could natter on to my mum about this but I have to accept that I can’t and natter on here instead.

    – V

    October 24, 2018 at 2:37 pm in reply to: Trying to deal with anxiety and loss after relationship break up #233085
    Victoria
    Participant

    Kkasxo,

    “Quite frankly, I’m so over the whole ordeal now. Earlier on when the situation turned into a bit of a scene I found myself explaining myself and then about mid-argument I thought what the hell am I doing?! I really can’t be bothered for all this. This man has been with me for many many years and knows me enough to know my exact trail of thought and what I would expect etc. Especially that we literally never had these issues in our relationship, yes he couldn’t progress but he did always put me first.” – Yeah I know what you mean, was he in front of other people? I found my ex acted differently in front of other people at times where I’m there thinking why are you saying x? or acting like that?

    ” I literally want him to either be like right this is it no more hoping, no more dwelling so that we can just be done with this or to have some sort of crazy argument which causes it to be easier to let go.” – yeah I’m in the same position with my ex. Part of my brain is like we could make this work, he needs to show me he’s prepared to put in that effort that I feel like Im putting and have put in or I want us to have an argument so my brain can just be like “oh we broke up because we were arguing” it may be one argument but its enough for our brains to justify our decisions. I feel like I am just thinking about him all the time, Im sick of putting men on a pedastol because I just get so involved in them when they probably haven’t even thought about me. But I struggle with female friendships because of being stabbed in the back by them or feeling like I have to be a certain way for me to be invited to stuff.

    “he is giving me puppy dog eyes about wanting to reconcile.” – I hate it when guys do that! It’s so hard to resist!

    It’s much easier to do so when things are going really shitty or you’re angry at the other person or in all honesty I’d prefer for

    “Im so tired of entertaining the back and forth now and I know I’ve only got myself to blame for responding or allowing him the option to even get in touch with me. I know. You girls probably think I’m a fool, I think I’m a fool for it!” – Its natural instinct, especially if you’ve been missing him, maybe you are in love with what you could be still and not ready to really be realistic and be like he’s never going to progress.

    “I need to learn to stop letting my heart take over! Please someone just come and knock some sense into me!” – haha same!

    Another point is that, did you like his friends? I feel like as nice as my ex’s friends are I feel like I put up with them because he was mates with them? Idk, I feel like me and him could be a casual long-distance thing like casually dating/hooking up but I know he wants full commitment, I’m not sure I can do that.

    I think im talking to him again because I’m tired of being alone and giving myself pep-talks “you are pretty”, “he would want you to go out” – it’s like he had died.

    I went on tinder but just felt empty and dead inside. I didn’t even care to talk to anyone because I wanted to talk to him. Now he’s talking to me I’m angry because he hasn’t turned up with red roses on the doorstep saying take me back. I know thats ridiculous. I also cannot help but shake the feeling that he thinks im the issue and he doesn’t have to change anything. He feels like he has no reason to question why I may have felt second best in our relationship at times or maybe he’s acted to parental at times by accident (he’s older so when uni came along a lot of stuff he said was rather patronising and sounded like what my parents would say). Its odd, stuff he’s done or said isnt really an issue I just need him to understand why I see it as an issue and question if its worth it.

    I too, am feeling exhausted. I need a holiday but I’m too scared, even just to go and relax in a hotel on my own for the weekend.

     

    -V

    October 24, 2018 at 2:07 pm in reply to: Trying to deal with anxiety and loss after relationship break up #233081
    Victoria
    Participant

    Kkasxo,

    “I was stronger in myself to withhold. I know better” – I think it’s familiarity with the person. I feel like we have all been distracting ourselves but if we feel like there’s unfinished business even if it’s just friendship it is difficult to let go and even if we know better we will talk to the person.

    Even deleting his number I still wrote it down, just in case. Even though I know I should delete everything, but I don’t know where we stand so I’m not ready to do that.

    – V

    October 24, 2018 at 2:04 pm in reply to: Trying to deal with anxiety and loss after relationship break up #233079
    Victoria
    Participant

    Shelby, Kkasxo,

    So I am currently talking to my ex right now and I am just so angry. It stems from your points about the person not doing what we expect or not doing things that we know they can’t do and being angry e.g speaking spanish.

    So I am currently working on my communication so I am being rather blunt with him, so I confronted him about not messaging me to ask how I am or anything, especially as its something he’s done for 5 years and its weird him being so distant. Anyway, I’ve just confronted him about how come he’s being so distant because I feel like im chasing him I just want to feel like he wants me and not when I’m emotional, I just want to know he’s thought about me in some way, idek. So his response to me saying its a bit odd you havent even sent me messages to say hi was “well sorry, sending hugs” like excuse me?

    I’m so confused, I broke it off because I need to work on myself so our relationship can be the best it can be. He apparently thinks I’m the love of his life because he went to the effort to get a ring to propose and now I’m like making the effort to communicate etc with him he’s like deadpan. Part of me is telling myself he’s busy and I’m expecting too much, but ultimately his response isn’t making me feel enthusiastic to get things back on track and I feel like again I’m chasing him. In the same way I was the one who told him I was into him etc.

    I just feel really hurt and today has been a bad day because I feel like I’m going down a career path which has high wages but I don’t feel like I’m good enough. It’s been a bad day. I painted my nails as “self love” and I was suppose to dye my hair but I couldn’t be bothered. I’ m only eating food because I feel like I have to because otherwise I’ll feel worse.

    One minute things are going well, next minute I’m a mess.

     

    – V

    October 24, 2018 at 1:25 pm in reply to: Trying to deal with anxiety and loss after relationship break up #233061
    Victoria
    Participant

    Hi RebirthandRestart2018,

    “I’m slowly learning that it’s not healthy to “emotionally attach” myself to a man and pin my current and future “be all and end all” happiness on him.”  – I don’t know if this is relate-able but when I first got into my relationship my happiness came from him, he was someone in my life who made me happy but I didn’t think my happiness depended on him. I found that my happiness depended on him when I started having friendships break-down and felt isolated because he just got me. He saw me in every mood possible.

    I have found since breaking up with him I have forced myself to meet people and start delving into old interests, but I seem to have an intense fear to embrace life again and feel at a loss when I want to do an activity which is enjoyable for more than one person. I have some friends at the moment but they aren’t really close friendships so I am finding myself at a loss and spending a lot of time doing things on my own, I like my own company but I am getting fed up of only sharing experiences with myself or telling others about an experience that they could’ve shared with me.

    Self love seems to be a difficult journey as an adult, I felt like as a young child I was so sure in myself and had so much confidence in my abilities and now its just been torn down by others and now I doubt everything I do and my abilities.

    Have you felt any better today? Were you friends with the person you pursued a romantic relationship with? Usually a strong friendship is a good foundation for long-term relationships?

    – V

    October 24, 2018 at 12:44 pm in reply to: Trying to deal with anxiety and loss after relationship break up #233051
    Victoria
    Participant

    Hi Kkasxo,

    I have written on my whiteboard in my room “you are enough”, it really helps when I am feeling low, however, it does fail on days when I can’t quite believe it.

    In terms of the concert, see how you feel or just go for you. I have recently booked tickets to go to a gig at the end of November which should be fun. But I am known for not going to events due to nerves but I know if I go I won’t regret it.

    Self-love is difficult though, on one hand I’m trying to give myself tough love so I get up and function, on the other hand I am finding I’m telling myself to let myself relax if that’s what I really need.

     

    – V

    October 24, 2018 at 12:40 pm in reply to: Trying to deal with anxiety and loss after relationship break up #233049
    Victoria
    Participant

    Hi Shelby,

    ” ‘nah, look it, you’re a highly sensitive woman who loved beyond measure a commitment phobe. You thought it could work and it didn’t, so naturally you’re devastated. You’ll be ok’. So we shall see.” – I love how honest and frank your therapist is (:

     

    You will be ok and the anxiety will ease in time, I wish I was waking up early, I love it when it feels like you’re the only person awake and it’s just so relaxing.

     

    – V

    October 24, 2018 at 12:14 pm in reply to: A lone wolf. #233041
    Victoria
    Participant
    Hi Feathering my nest,
                                              At first I was unsure about how to tell who I can and cannot trust. In the last few weeks I have found that those who are willing to open up to me after I have shared something personal with them seem to be people I can trust. At least I think so.
    To be honest I have spent a lot of time on my own recently, I think I’m scared of rejection or judgement so I’ve stuck to doing my own thing. I find comfort doing stuff alone, but sometimes it would be nice to have another person just in the room.
    I need to branch out and make the effort to meet people really, but it’s so cold I just want to stay indoors and hibernate.
    What signs do you detect that give you an indication of weather to trust someone or not?
    – V
    October 24, 2018 at 12:09 pm in reply to: A lone wolf. #233037
    Victoria
    Participant

    Hi anita,

    I apologise for my silence, it’s only Wednesday yet I am feeling rather overwhelmed. I have fallen behind my uni course because I felt rather depressed and instead of fighting against it I just let it consume me because I felt emotionally drained, as it happens its my time-of-the-month so I now know why I have felt rather low, finding it harder to wake up and focus.

    I am nervous about seeing him this weekend, and don’t worry that drug experience was a mistake and I’ve learnt my lesson from it. I haven’t and have no intention of telling my mum or any of my family members about this meetup because 1. its not of their business 2. my mum has actively tried to ruin our relationship 3. I was never open about my relationships to my family in the first place, in my opinion my romantic or even friendships are separate to my family, of course if it got serious I may introduce them to my parents, I never wanted or sought their approval because its me in the relationship not them. Ultimately my mum and fa,o;y have got too involved in my last relationship so even if it doesn’t work out they will not be meeting anyone I’m romantically involved with.

    Yes the open relationship definitely was a mistake, I have talked to my ex (as it were) and he has said if we ever try anything like that again it would be years down the line. My only issue with it is that it does make me feel second best, I know that a man can go and do something sexual with another woman and its just desire, but I want to be someones only one. He has dated alot of his female-friends and therefore they are still present in his life, I am finding this difficult to deal with.

    It’s strange because a lot of people complain about their partners going to the pub or on a lads night out, in which they may be aware they could be cheating on them or whatever, but to some degree in society this is accepted and as long as the guy comes back to you the next day its ok. Yet I go out with a man who has many female friends and isn’t into the lad-culture therefore it is unlikely he is chatting up women etc yet I am left feeling insecure?

    The reason I bring this up is because I’m trying to look and see if this relationship will work long-term. Personally, I want to move to different cities and he has stayed in the same city for the majority of his life, so if I say “hey I want to do x,y,z…it just means you need to give up your life that you’ve made in x, is that ok” I think I would feel awful, I dont want to pull someone along on my journey I want to have the same vision so its a joint journey.

    Now that we have been talking we are getting on fine, we say I love you, goodnight etc and my only issue is he’s not putting in the effort to say hi, its always me, however, I think that it’s because a. hes busy b. hes still got his guard up. He’s coming down just for an afternoon but I don’t feel like that’s good enough, which I know is unfair and selfish, but I’ve missed him and thought that if he came down the night before we could have a night out and have a “serious” chat then spend the next day hanging out.

    Hm, am I asking too much? There’s still worries in the back of my mind about it all, I have also just watched When Harry met Sally, which may not have helped haha

    – V

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