Home→Forums→Relationships→Trying to deal with anxiety and loss after relationship break up
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October 30, 2018 at 5:56 am #234473
ShelbyvilleParticipantKkasxo,
The limbo is indeed tiring, but it’s also the one where there is no threat at the moment. No pain of full breaking up, no fear associated with getting back together. I really hope you find the decision you feel is best for you so that you don’t have to feel lost for too much longer.
As Susan Jeffers says, feel the fear and do it anyway by being confident that no matter what the outcome, you can cope with it.
I’m just trying to get through today as best I can but I feel like I’ve taken a fair wallop over the past few days. I too feel like you and just want to heal x
October 30, 2018 at 6:28 am #234481
KkasxoParticipantShelby,
Thank you. I hope I find direction too as it is very much needed right now but I am just letting my heart and mind lead me in the direction I need to go this time. Like I say, I do think too much has happened at this point for me to want to go back but who knows, time will tell.
You have indeed gone through a lot the last few days! But I feel like you needed that in order to move forward and heal as best as you can and I wish you a speedy road to recovery from this awful period of your life.
In the mean time, keep journaling! We are here for one another and I am grateful for that!
October 30, 2018 at 6:29 am #234483
AnonymousInactiveToday is not a good day so far for me either. I am feeling anxious, angry, disappointed, regretful.
Just want to fast forward time to when I will feel better. I know time is the only way to heal this pain. I think the intial relief of ending the relationship has receded and instead I just feel anger. Maybe it is a good thing to feel anger, since its supposed to be one of the stages of the healing process. I have thrown myself into my work but that is now making me overhwelmed because I feel like there is too much to juggle.
I tried to delete all the photos from my phone but I think it was premature… maybe another time.
Sorry to hear of so many broken hearts… thanks for letting me vent here.
KKasxo, its interesting that you say you are in a place of unknown. Because I know exactly how it feels, except the uncertainty is what I felt WHILE I was in the relationship. Uncertainty is the worst, we just need to know if we are either in or out. And I got so sick of the uncertainty with him, I took back control of my life and I said OUT. The fact that your partner/ex-partner allows you to suffer in uncertainty is enough to know that they are only thinking of themselves.
Hope you have a nice day without too much pain to carry xxx
October 30, 2018 at 6:54 am #234487KkasxoParticipantAzu,
The issue with my ex partner is that he has an idea of what he wants his life to look like and is not prepared to make any adjustments or compromises when it comes to that. So it’s a matter of I either tag along and wait for when his plans/needs are met so that he can finally focus on mine or I can walk now.. Nonetheless, that wasn’t the reason for our split. We were still quite happy and content as I wasn’t really in a rush to get to where I want to be so I was okay with waiting around on him in a sense, as long as I knew that my wants/needs would be met somewhere down the line.
The idea of progress has become more of an issue and more prominent after our split. Because now I’m actually taking into consideration the kind of life that I want for myself and questioning whether he can actually give me that. For once in my life I am putting myself first. Oh and then there is the trauma surrounded by the main and only reason of the split which I can’t seem to forget or forgive him for. He failed me in so many different ways around the time of our split and I just don’t think I could ever trust him with my heart again because he destroyed it.
I’m sorry that you’re feeling rubbish today but I must say you are one brave woman taking your life and destiny back into your own hands! Much braver than me anyway.
It takes a very brave person to walk away from the person they love because the relationship is no longer serving them. It also sounds like you are somewhat managing to keep your rational thinking cap on and understand that anger/emotions/hurt are all just a part of this draining process!
I think I’ve gotta take some lessons from yourself!
October 30, 2018 at 7:13 am #234491AnonymousInactiveKkasxo,
My situation is actually very similar to yours. When we met 1.5 years ago, he was planning to change careers from hospitality into video production. One year later he cheated on me after a drug/alcohol fuelled work party. We broke up, I blocked him etc. but I was weak and felt like it was unfinished. I let him explain and he was beyond remorseful and promised to change. Because I loved him I gave it a chance. He changed – he quit his job, he started going to therapy, quit drinking. The progress was good but I was still waiting… waiting to start our life together. I dug deep to find an outstanding amount of patience and understanding that I thought I never had. This was my first serious relationship and I was determined to make it work. I thought that what love was – unconditional. Boy was I wrong. Love is not unconditional. Love is compromise. From both parties.
He was diagnosed with ADHD which explained a lot of his disorganisation, self-destructive behaviour, loss of direction and lack of motivation. But I still tried to help, help him manage the symptoms (both for him and for selfish reasons). He never took responsibility of his mental health issue, and instead expected opportunities to come knocking on his door.
I was promised by the summer that he would be sorted, that changed to end of the year, that changed to two more months, that changed to next summer. Then it hit me, this was how it was going to be for the rest of my life. It would always be ‘later’.
He was a dreamer. He was a wonderful man but completely delusional. He knew what he wanted but had no idea how to get there. I put it partly down to the ADHD but also, every adult is responsible for his/her own life and mental health. I wanted to help but it came to the point where my needs/hopes/dreams were being pushed aside.
I decided I couldn’t wait without knowing how long I was waiting, and without a clear plan on how we would get there. The uncertainty drove me mad and I felt like I gave as much of myself as I could without losing my self-respect.
That is my story anyway, I wonder if you can resonate with it?
Azu xx
October 30, 2018 at 7:30 am #234497KkasxoParticipantAzu,
Yes I guess in some aspects my ex partner sounds a little bit like yours. The only difference is my ex is a very determined and goal oriented individual – absolute workaholic! He knows exactly what he wants from life (mainly materialistic things) and he knows exactly how he is going to get there. The issue with that is that he is also in no rush to get there!
For example, he’s furthering his career by educating himself and he’ll happily work 7 days a week to earn as much as possible towards his goal of a mortgage. BUT even if this time next year he can afford a mortgage, he just will not go for it because at this point the goal will change. The goal will now be well seeing as I’ve gotten this far why not work another year or two and save even more money so that the mortgage is then cheaper? And so on and so forth.
In addition to that, his timeline seems to be a bit off with mine. I dream of being married before I’m 30 (obviously life has its own plans but in an ideal world I’d like to tie the knot aged 29) so not long to go. He on the other hand can’t see himself properly settling down like that until his thirties at least because why?
And to further add to that point he is very deeply influenced by his family. My goodness, their opinion is absolute gold to him and at this point in time his parents are very financially dependant on him as his mother refuses to work. (It makes me angry just writing that) so he feels obliged to continue living at home and supporting his family rather than being out there building a life with me. So in that sense, I am not and will never be his priority.
In a nutshell, he’s a loving and determined workaholic with many many goals but no rush to achieve them and someone who will forever ask his families opinion/ permission to make decisions in his life. And for those reasons + the trauma around our break up I don’t believe we will work.
It’s funny I actually said to him at one point, in an ideal world it would’ve been perfect for us to have met in our thirties when you have your mortgage and everything else sorted and you’ve managed to cut the umbilical cord from your mother, make decisions for yourself and I could just come into your perfect little life. And he actually agreed. Because he wants me to sit around and wait for him to achieve everything in his life using the excuse that he is doing this for us.
I did tell him though, one day you’re going to sit in your beautiful brand new mortgaged house all by yourself because you were so busy making a living that you forgot to make a life.. very sad but very true.
We differ in a sense that I could live in a flat share for the rest of my life if it meant that we were together, because everything makes more sense when you have someone to share all the ups and downs with your significant other. Whereas he is so focused on everything else and will not focus on building a life with someone.
October 30, 2018 at 7:33 am #234499ShelbyvilleParticipantAzu & Kkasxo,
The element about uncertainty really resonates with me and I have to try and remember that when I’m in my black hole. The constant uncertainty and lack of planning for the future, despite my patience, understanding and efforts, just led me to become so insecure within the relationship. I felt I was willing to walk away so many times but when push came to shove I couldn’t do it because I really couldn’t imagine being without him.
Its a steady stream of emotions assaulting you during heartbreak. I hope you can ride the waves. It’s what I’m trying to do, but they are like physical stabs in my stomach that nearly force me to bend in two at any reminder – in the most awkward of places such as a public coffee shop.
I don’t believe I deserved to be hurt like this but I’ll take responsibility for my own part in it, however naive I was.
I have never had anger, so I can’t say much about that end, but it is definitely part of the process and perhaps even aids the process along quicker.
You are brave, both of you, you really are. I wish I could be as strong as ye, it’s a mind fog at the moment and I feel as if I’ll never come out of it.
Well done on using Work as a distraction Azu, but be careful not to take on too much. Work might keep anxiety at bay but too much can add to anxiety.
I hope the rest of the day provides a reprieve for all of us. We deserve it at this stage.
October 30, 2018 at 7:45 am #234507AnonymousInactiveKKasxo,
I am sorry to hear how much he prioritised so many other things before you. I hope it doesn’t come across as harsh, but it is inevitable that a grown adult man who lives with his parents will undoubtedly have a responsibility to his parents (whether his choice or not). In my culture, it is expected for the man to stay with his parents until marriage, and sometimes his whole life if he is the only son. I find it strange personally, especially when it comes to relationships. How can a man commit to build a life/family/home with his future wife/partner if he is still providing for his parents? It’s tug of war.
Seems like his priorities were a world apart from yours, and that is something that doesn’t change easily. The grip our parents hold onto our choices are powerful sometimes, and I wouldn’t be surprised if he faces this battle everyday already. But it is only he who can make that decision to create some boundaries.
Its important to invest in your future, but like you said, don’t forget to live your life in the process. I am sure there is someone out there who is ready to give you what you need.
Shelbyville,
Thank you for your kind words, I am doing better slowly… trying not to think about anything too much and am practising some mindfulness. Hope your day at work is going well also.
xxx
October 30, 2018 at 9:53 am #234541KkasxoParticipantAzu,
May I ask what culture that is? Perhaps it’s the same in his although this has never been brought up in conversation before and his older brother has been living on his own since the age of 16, he’s now 35!
He is definitely tied in with the family loads and unfortunately that’s never going to change. I know this because I see the behaviour of his older siblings who although have their own lives to some extent still revolve their life completely around the parents & one another (siblings). I never paid much attention to it throughout our relationship, in fact I adored the close knit family that they were for a while. Since the break up I see things more clearly now. This man cannot offer me a future, not the kind of future that I want/need anyway.
October 30, 2018 at 10:43 am #234553AnonymousInactiveMy culture is Bangladeshi, but to be honest most of South Asian background and even Eastern Asian cultures follow similar rules. That along with many other reasons is why I left my family and the community 6 years ago.
You are right, it’s not something that changes overnight and it takes a lot of guts to stand up to so much indoctrination and social pressure. You have a lot to lose so it’s easier to just go with the grain.
Mots good that you are thinking about t rationally because it’s easy to take something like this personally, but it’s not. It’s his issue, not yours.
October 30, 2018 at 1:04 pm #234581ShelbyvilleParticipantKkasxo,
Im only seeing your reply now about his priorities. My ex always told me I was the most important person in the world to him. But I wasn’t, I was maybe third down the list. He couldn’t acknowledge though that he was tied to his family more than me. He would do ANYTHING for his family at all costs really and when I met him, he lived in a lovely house with a couple of housemates, but he then moved back with his parents when his lease ran out and that was him becoming entrenched in looking after his parents and the family business.
My therapist feels he couldn’t give me everything I needed because it’s not his to give, part of him belongs to his family/parents and the huge responsibility he feels he has for them.
Anyway, I need to stop writing specifically about him now as it’s increasing pain but basically, I think it’s a lot of men who are still as you say ‘attached via umbilical cord’, it’s quite common. But they are not aware of it.
Therapy was rough today, I struggled as my therapist coaxed me to feel the pain as it was not pleasant whatsoever. I have to go back a couple more days this wk & he’s doing it for free just to help me which I think is kind and decent.
I really hope we all have a better day tomorrow. Work seems to be keeping us all distracted?
October 30, 2018 at 1:15 pm #234585KkasxoParticipantShelby,
Yes I didn’t realise it was such a common occupancy until I stumbled upon this forum. Seems awfully selfish to me as Azu mentioned previously that family members and parents in particular put this kind of pressure on their sons.
My parents never held me back in anything. If anything, they encouraged me to go out into the world on my own so that they can see for themselves that I’m managing. So that they do not have to worry. Whereas it seems that a lot of mothers tend to do quite the opposite with their sons and instead baby them for as long as possible. Men being the comfortable beings that they are enjoy this. I must remind myself that if I ever have a son I do not become that kind of mother.
Thats really kind of your therapist actually! You must have quite a good relationship with him which is nice! I’m still waiting on my appointment unfortunately but I do feel a bit apprehensive about really opening up to a stranger about all of my minds up and downs. I guess we’ll cross that bridge when we get to it.
Work was hard today. I couldn’t really focus on anything if I’m honest. I’m not sure if depression is really surfacing now or if I’ve gone into some kind of autumn hibernation where I just want to eat and sleep. I’ve put on a couple of pounds in the last week or due to complete lack of activity bar leaving my house to get in my car and drive to work. So after contemplating for what felt like forever I convinced myself to go to the gym.
Ive just come back and I’m planning a nice hot bath and back to my safe place (bed) with some Netflix!
What are you ladies up to this evening?
October 30, 2018 at 10:38 pm #234617ShelbyvilleParticipantKkasxo,
Yes I do have a good relationship with therapist and I have no doubt it will be of huge benefit to you too. It’s natural to be apprehensive but the more honest you are, the more you get out of it.
Im struggling at the moment. I’m really scared or frightened. Of what? I’m not entirely sure. The pain perhaps. I’m aware it’s an extreme reaction to a breakup and I do hope it will ease at some point because no-one could live like this.
I wonder has anyone else on the forum experienced this kind of reaction to a loss? I feel weak as though I can’t manage it. I want to try and get over this, it’s unbearable.
Im glad you made it to the gym, exercise can never be a bad thing. I would love to have that ‘safe’ place of bed, it’s really good that something gives you a small amount of comfort at least.
Here’s to trying to get through the next 24 hours!
October 31, 2018 at 11:47 am #234795ShelbyvilleParticipantHi all, I hope today has not been too tough for anyone. I managed to keep the pain at bay today by literally zapping any thoughts of any reminders about a certain someone out of my brain as soon as they popped up. Not ideal, but needs must.
The anxiety kept simmering all day though, just making me a little shaky. But not as bad this evening and I’ll take a reprieve whenever I can get it.
I am writing in my journal and meditating but I’d be interested to know if anyone else felt much the same as me at the 6-wk mark?
October 31, 2018 at 12:32 pm #234823
VictoriaParticipantKkasxo,
“We differ in a sense that I could live in a flat share for the rest of my life if it meant that we were together, because everything makes more sense when you have someone to share all the ups and downs with your significant other. Whereas he is so focused on everything else and will not focus on building a life with someone.” – this really resonated with me, I must admit your ex sounds like me in some ways. I find that I have allowed making money, studying etc (striving for us to have a better quality of life as soon as possible so he can pay his debt off) get in the way of the simple fact that its nice to have someone to share the journey with.
“Work was hard today. I couldn’t really focus on anything if I’m honest. I’m not sure if depression is really surfacing now or if I’ve gone into some kind of autumn hibernation where I just want to eat and sleep. I’ve put on a couple of pounds in the last week or due to complete lack of activity bar leaving my house to get in my car and drive to work. So after contemplating for what felt like forever I convinced myself to go to the gym.” – You aren’t alone in wanting to hibernate, I bought a candy bowl and filled it with sweets…its already nearly empty and its been four days >.< (the aim was it would last at least a week and a bit).
May I ask what you do at the gym? I joined it yesterday because I have spent a lot of time overthinking, feeling down or studying and I think exercise would enhance my focus and improve my rather embarrassing physical health.
How has your day been?
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