Evening Everyone,

I have come back online after a four day hiatus. Hello azu, Brandy and Valora I will ensure to read back through the posts so I am up to date.

I hope everyone is doing okay and getting through these long dark days!

As an update: I broke up with my bf of five and a half years. This last weekend we reunited since our breakup. It was lovely to see him but I didn’t feel any massive overwhelming feeling when I saw him.

I guess the only feeling I had was that I was grateful that he had come down to see me, to some degree I think we need a weekend away in a romantic hotel to try and get the spark back I suppose.

To some degree I am torn, on one hand we can get back together fully however the downside of that is that it would a LDR, on the other hand we could do our own thing and if we are both single in two years (when Ive graduated and he’s paid his debt off) we can try again, but I know that that’s not what I want.

However, I do believe fear is getting in the way of a clear decision.

Originally I thought I had fallen out of love with him, however, all the signs that I still love him are there.

In any of your past relationships have you lost the spark as it were? If so, how did you fix it?

– V

Kkasxo,

“it is always nice to find yourself fitting into jeans you thought you’d never get into again!” – Thank you for the gym advice, I will try it on Monday when my operation get back to a size 10 again starts.

“It’s actually different but nice to hear people who may relate to my ex. I have a friend who is a hopeless romantic but on the other hand very focused on her career and is quite money motivated. Her life goals too have gotten in the way of her relationships previously and she herself has admitted that although she knows the way she does things is wrong, she can’t seem to do them differently! And perhaps that is what my ex feels also..” – Ah, your friend sounds rather like myself. Although, one reason I am rather driven is because I have been told I wont succeed so many times and I have failed at many things so I am determined to reach my goals, although this has come to mean I have sacrificed my relationship. You see I am confident with relationships, I know how they work/to some degree how to improve them, so I have found that I have neglected it trying to do better in other areas of my life. I think your ex seems to have demands from a lot of people in his life including himself, sometimes I think you meet the right person but at the wrong time, like you said it would be better in your thirties and he agree (if I remember correctly).

“What are your current thoughts? Are you 100% in for the reconciliation? If so, I would say definitely go ahead with the weekend away! It’ll be nice to just spend some time together and get back to basics!” – I cannot say I am 100% in for the reconciliation right now, but I do think we need and have needed for some time a weekend away where neither of us are stressed. I suppose I think it will give us a new environment to see if the spark can come back. I think all I need is for him to show me he wants me, at the moment I feel like things have been a bit one sided but that could be the lack of communication.

As for me, I’m no different I guess to where I was when we last spoke. The only difference probably is that my ex now feels slightly more comfortable reaching out to me. He makes sure to tell me good morning and goodnight every day which surprisingly I find odd and I ignore.”

“Its taking me by surprise because a reconciliation with him was all I dreamt of UNTIL it actually happened and now I have no clue what to do with it, or if I even want it.” – This is interesting because I feel the same way with many things and to some degree its because as humans we are addicted to the chase of something, the thrill as it were then when we get something we were hoping for we are so surprised we got what we wanted we almost don’t want it anymore.

I had a similar reaction when in march my bf pulled out an engagement ring order leaflet,I had wanted marriage that when he actually went ahead with it I had lost interest and was happy we were just together.

The only thing that is bugging me currently is that this summer I was really worried about affording university and by moving back to my parents and gaining my mums approval as it were by breaking up with my bf she then gave me some of the money that has been sat in her name to give to me at 18.

There is a large part of me which is worried that I did all of this just for money, I can justify it and say in the long-run its helped me feel independent again, however, I feel like a rubbish person.

The last five years has been hard financially, health wise and with my personal relationship with my family. My mum has constantly been emotionally manipulative and when I ended up with health complications due to stress she and my dad couldve helped but she instead choose to push and pick at my life decisions. When I had a job it wasnt good enough and when I didnt have a job I was scrounging off my bf. Now I have access to this capital (however she is still giving it to me term by term) I feel like I have reclaimed something that others put money into to help me in the future.

Currently I just feel like I am lying to my bf because when I say love you I cant feel it like I used to and im lying to my family by being the person they want me to be, for example, ive been saying ive been going out loads when in reality this last month has been rather lonely and most nights ive spent on my own.

– V

• This reply was modified 5 years, 6 months ago by Victoria.

Victoria,

You mention that you bought your own ring, but why? Didn’t he want to propose to you? Do you think it’s just a fear thing in the end? You want these things but you don’t want to take the leap of faith and dive in to them head first?

I’m trying to better understand your situation so please by all means correct me if I’m wrong! At the moment it looks as though you most definitely don’t want to be without him, however you’re not sure if you could 100% be with him. Whether that be due to your personal goings-on, we mentioned a few times in the thread noticing toxic behaviour in ourselves that requires work in our own time, or due to the influences of your family, or simply just because of stresses of everyday life I.e uni. It seems as though you have pushed him further and further away because you need time to figure yourself out but at the same time you very much want him to show you that he cares and that he wants the relationship to work. (Btw I’m just trying to decipher your situation, please let me know if I’ve got it all wrong).

I think you need to really sit down for a moment and conclude on the reasons behind the split. What are the main reasons for this? Are they still very much valid? Is it just the love, desperation and idea of being alone that’s pulling you back to him or do you actually want to work at things? What was it that was lacking in your relationship previously and could it be changed/avoided this time?

I know myself that this one’s a tough one because I’ve been trying to do this myself and I’m even more confused than before but we really do need to figure this out once and for all.

Heartbreak is so confusing & it bloody sucks!

I think all in all I’m so over the idea of love. And if I’ve learnt one thing from this experience is that nothing, absolutely nothing in life is ever certain. I was SOOOOOOOOO sure that me and him we’re the real deal. I would’ve cut of an arm and a leg I was that confident. And then he failed me in the biggest way possible. Shock. So there it is, we’ve just gotta enjoy every moment while it lasts because the next could look completely different! I’ve learnt that now.

Victoria,

Ah okay, see I didn’t get the jist of the idea that he was stalling on commitment before so thank you for clearing that up! That does make sense indeed! And I can even relate to it! My ex could never have a serious conversation about commitment.. He would quite happily entertain a conversation of in the future, but no real talks of how or when we’ll get there.

I hinted a few times about promise rings as I knew he is somewhat a commitment phobe. I liked the idea of a ring (as a piece of jewellery) and also just as a promise between the two of us to be together for the rest of our days. Sort of like I promise (promise ring), I will (engagement ring), I do(wedding ring). I dunno, guess I was a hopeless romantic like that! And even that was too much to ask for haha! I did indeed in the end buy myself my own promise ring! From myself to myself!

To be honest, not many people know of the trauma that lies behind our initial break up as I find it very difficult to talk about or deal with so I won’t go in depth. However all I can say is the situation which caused our break up was awful. I lost everything in the process of it. His family (who I had a great relationship with previously) turned very nasty against me completely taking his side whilst he acted like a little boy allowing them to make all decisions for him. Essentially he was faced with a decision, me, or them and in a nutshell he chose them whilst I was left to pick up the pieces of my loss, my grief and trauma. I’m still nowehere near close to recovery, as I have previously mentioned I spiral into very very dark moments where I do think of the ultimate escape.. it is a scary place to be.

So essentially my headspace right now is I am angry and resentful towards him for ever allowing the situation to occur in the first place, for standing by his family without saying a word whilst being fully aware that what they’re doing is emotional abuse and then leaving me suicidal for so long to deal with the outcome of his mistakes. He was the one person I trusted with every single aspect of my life and I never ever expected anything like this to happen and for that reason I don’t think I could trust him with my heart or life ever again. He will just run exactly like he did at the next hurdle – even though he says he wont his track record isn’t great right?!

My heart loves the man he was before all of this. The man that I was with for three years. The man he is today? I pity him. I pity him because although I lost everything in the process, he lost the one good thing in his life because he couldn’t be a man about stuff and face up to the situation. He knows this now and has admitted it several times. He knows I was too good for him and he knows he will never find anyone like me again, so he is remorseful. But its not enough to make him change his ways in regards to life plans/commitment.

Victoria,

Yes he definitely did loose his way. He was so occupied in his thoughts that he almost welcomed the fact that his family fought the battle on his behalf. I found this heartbreaking and cowardly and completely childish behaviour. He has very much played on the part of a child who needs protection and the back up of more ‘adultier adults’ as I like to say in order to make decisions for him. I’m afraid that the influence from his family is so large that it’ll never really end..

Even now, in order for us to reconcile there is a great need for me to communicate with his mother. Which partly I understand as obviously he currently lives with her so things would be rather awkward if I stayed etc and didn’t communicate with her at all. However, that is a dealbreaker for him. Me and his family must be okay otherwise I don’t think he could handle continuing the relationship. Talk about complete lack of boundaries!

Quite frankly, I think you’re absolutely right. I am in love with the man I first met and the man that he was throughout our relationship. Not the cowardly little boy who is unable to make his own decisions and hides behind his family who fight his battles for him. Nonetheless, it’s proving difficult to keep trying to remind myself of the man that he has become, all I seem to see is the three years of good rather than the few months of absolutely terrible! And I know this is wrong because there is nothing in the world that could make what he did to me in any way remotely okay. My friends and family who are aware of the situation would murder me for even considering reconciling with him despite the fact that they absolutely adored him!

I am feeling surprisingly okay this morning. Work has been keeping me busy and I am due to meet with a friend later for an intense gym session (she’s more clued up and always pushes me during our workouts) so I am due to be very sore tomorrow!

How are you? Where is your head at today? Any new thoughts/ideas?

Also, I hope @shelbyville is okay! I think this may be the first time I haven’t seen her post at all?

Hi,

Sorry to hear you are not having a great morning. I know news like this can be difficult to process, but remind yourself that this step you have taken to move on from your ex is bringing you closer to your dream (if having children is your dream).

I am doing okay, I called my ex yesterday, not because I was emotional but just to close the book – we didn’t really discuss our relationship properly when we broke up. We had a really frank discussion last night and it wasn’t bitter at all. I think we both know that it is over and we just want each other to find our own happiness.

I am also really grateful for the things I can do now that I couldn’t do before. I have a lot of male friends and I am going out with them this weekend. My ex was never thrilled about me spending time with them. Also, I don’t have to straighten my hair every day (my ex used to love long, pin-straight black hair which made me really insecure), so now I can look how I want to look! Also, I  can apply for jobs outside of London since I have the freedom to go anywhere… I always wanted to do manufacture engineering which requires a lot of travel so now I am single I don’t feel obliged to hang around… 🙂

Hope this shows you that break ups can be a good thing. I still have a lot of pain and sadness in my heart but no breakup is without pain, and it is always for the greater good. I think we will both be happier apart…

xx

Kkaxso,

Can you explain further – what do you mean by ‘sad for the innocent woman’? Are you sad she no longer exists or sad as in pity?

I can relate to the feeling that you cannot recognise yourself – I used to look back at my past and wish to be the old me again. But pain and adversity can eventually lead to change. I know it must be very difficult to look forward because of the position that you are in, you are in pain and feel betrayed, lost, disappointed.

I believe that one day you will be the happy, full-of-life lady again – it is still in you. You are bigger than this pain and grieve. You will learn to trust again, because now you know who not to trust. And you will learn to love again, because now you know who is more deserving of your love.

You said you are spiralling into a dark place – this can be dangerous and its great you have identified it. Just try to have someone around if you can so you aren’t completely alone. I am not sure if you are familiar with CBT techniques, I use an app called moodnotes which help me challenge my thoughts before its gets really bad. This would be a perfect time for you to try it.

Take each day at a time, try and look forward to something relaxing this evening. I am so glad it is Friday…