@Shelbyville

Thanks mate, she’s just as awesome, emotionally understanding and I feel like because my attention is fully on her and not the baggage associated with ‘A’ she is even more beautiful, her qualities are just shining! We were together for just under 6 months before and oh it was unreal in terms of chemistry too all the way, I just get the feeling that fluttery phase will be even more special this time because in my heart I am working towards long term with her. She was always so fun, I felt the exact same, if not more yesterday as this time I’m not putting up any resistance to her, not letting my fear or insecurities ruin it. I find I’m enjoying the build up and I want to control my urges for her. So I’m definitely maturing but at the same time she make me feel like a schoolboy again, crushing hard!! As you can tell I’m just beyond elated.

Emotions are better expressed in my view. I avoided and tried to bury so much of it as I didn’t know how to cope once I confronted them and said them out aloud but once they are out it gives you a place to begin. To work through and put changes in place to become better.

Ahh I got the gist now, I wasn’t aware of your backstory. Just going off the posts you made since I got welcomed to the fold. Hence I thought why would she find it hard to say boyfriend. Lol.

You said you’d never have a boyfriend again! I get that feeling, after ‘A’ crushed me I really thought I was unlovable, it brought back feeling like the odd one out during my awkward teens, my self worth was shattered and I was very angry with every woman but her. It contributed to me acting the way I did and the hurt I caused ‘B’. But I hope you don’t have low self worth it’s a terrible place to be really impacts your relationship decisions.

I see what you mean by boundaries, it can be hard to loosen the shackles that come with having your family rely on you. ‘B’ is mixed race hence her old fashioned views and alongside that comes a type of caretaking role for her family as she is the eldest. However, I love the family dynamic she has, it seems so full of people to lean on and lots of fun because my families small, just my bro and parents. We both had to fend for ourselves at 16. Whereas she has had a completely different upbringing, she has so much sense of responsibility to her family as a result and I see where her selfless nature comes from. Her family don’t hold her back in anyway but she feels this strong sense of returning the sacrifice they’ve made.

I can imagine it must feel like being between a rock and a hard place when you have to choose. In our deep conversations last year she always said her family responsibilities would always be there and it would be something for me to reflect on. At the time I obviously didn’t pay too much thought, however now that I want to be with her longterm, it’s something I accept, I wouldn’t make it difficult on my end. I would respect her obligations to her family and work with her to compromise so she didn’t ever feel she has to choose, it’s part of who she is. Trying to remove that element would not work.

I know she will try to strike a balance and in some areas her family will take precedence and vice versa.

So I think try and talk it through with your family as well as your boyfriend. He needs to be on board and supportive. You don’t want to create friction in your family for a person who may not even be there for you if the shit hits the fan. So discuss it. Family will always have your back, and even though mine and B’s upbringing is poles apart, we agree on that fundamental.

Don’t take being called selfish to heart, don’t be at odds. Have a calm conversation and say I need to do this but I love you all very much. They will come around like you said it’s adjustment, no point getting wrapped up in the negative emotion it will not change it. If you need to lighten the load to make yourself stable and happy, they’ll see that change in you and want it for you too.

I’m really riding positive vibes and YOLO so be the best you can be!

• This reply was modified 3 years, 12 months ago by Danny.

Hi @everyone!! She replied and it went like this…

I’ve just copied and pasted the texts :

B: Yes

Me: Yes?

B: Yes!

Me: *sent a risqué meme

B: 🤣😂😂 Danny!

Me: I’m just messin’ but I’m ready when u r 😉 but are u saying this smile I have on my face rn is because ur willing to give us a chance?

B: I’m sure that’s not the only reason for you smiling 😏 but YES!

Me: Let’s do this!

B: Again 🤣

Me: 🔫s fired!

B: 😅Call me in 5

I rang her and we both just started laughing. She said she needed to make a few things clear, she didn’t want to rush anything, would have to be at her pace. That for it to work we would both need to draw a line under what’s happened, let go of insecurities and if there’s concerns or worries going forward, we communicate.

She said she did worry about what would happen if I felt insecure again, she found it exhausting by the end trying to convince me she genuinely wanted me. The thing swaying her the most was that she always felt something special in the way that we connected and I had clearly realised that too by my own reflection.

She said I didn’t wait for her to contact me and by me taking action, getting in touch with her..she knew growth had happened. She knew for me that must have been scary but I faced up to the mistakes in person and really did the mature thing in giving her the explanation and respect she always deserved. She said we all make mistakes and deserve a chance. And this was the one and only chance so it was up to me to prove and show her I had really grown up.

She said it will take time to build the trust and she wouldn’t tolerate me expressing contempt in anyway. So if I’m ready for the long haul it would mean both of us working together, equally and communicating.

I suggested if she would like to attend like a couple therapy session paid for by me. She was surprised but said if it’s something I needed she’d consider it. I just want to start afresh no baggage.

She basically told me what I already knew I need to do and I’m committed to doing.

We then spoke about 2 hours more on random things. I still feel naturally at ease with her over text, on the phone and in person. I just don’t know how to describe it. I asked her when I could take her out for our first date and she said surprise me!

I feel beyond elated. I rang my bro right away and he typically shouted Get in and I’m going to be your best man!! I’m really ready to change my life for the better. I’m ready to be the appreciative and giving partner I’m capable of without looking back.

I really couldn’t have done it without you guys guiding me too and asking me to ask myself the hard questions. Thank you so much guys.

I will keep you updated on progress and fingers crossed they are all positive.

@Sammy I hope the situation between your ex and you gets resolved. You sound like a very giving person so its only right you receive the same in return. Not too sure of the exact circumstances but I hope he does the right thing by you. I’m sorry if any of my posts were a reminder or refreshed any pain. I hope it gives you some hope that people can grow and there are men out there who value the qualities you possess, sometimes we are a little immature/insecure too. You haven’t responded lately, you said you would keep an eye out so I do hope you are coping well and didn’t misuse alcohol and your absence is you feeling stronger sitting with yourself. I appreciate your honest, fair and real responses especially when you were pained by what I wrote in my initial post. If you ever need an ear to listen, tag me! I wish you positive vibes too mate! I hope your journey becomes less bumpy!

@Tim we spoke briefly but your prior posts were incredibly useful to read. I learned so much. You gave me hope of redemption and I really gained more sage insight in the short time I’ve been on here then listening to the lads over many years. The recent advice has been on the money, I’m going to exert and practice self control (that’s what the sock and gym are for 🤣)  I don’t want to mess this up, I will restart it as I mean to go on and that’s to embark on a meaningful companionship to last right through until were old and bitter lol. I’m really glad amongst the great ladies there was a man on this thread. Someone who understands the manly urges and has the experience to navigate around them and offered me the pointers to make it work. I really believe you have a happy future ahead with your partner and I wish you and your lady a healthy pregnancy. Your mini me will be blessed man, congrats! Thanks so much bro!👊

@Shelbyville you have this kindness and non judgement in you which is rare. You were clearly so overwhelmed in your own troubles but you still reached out to help me, thank you, especially for your support when I was particulatly feeling so heavy hearted and disgusted with myself. You helped me to re focus and achieve self forgiveness. You helped me to learn we all make mistakes but how we handle them is the proof in who we really are. I stopped thinking about myself and focused on how she must have felt, it urged me even more to apologise in person. That showed her I really cared about the impact those stupid actions had. I got to give her the respect she deserved.

I got the sense you have been in a similar set of circumstances, possibly pushed away someone good for you by what you wrote? I also felt a sense of someone trying to protect me especially as I was so down on myself already. Maybe lower my expectations by stating ‘B’ was perhaps just a journeymate. I really respect that and could feel you were trying to save me from potentially more pain if the reconciliation efforts didn’t work.

I have to say though the concept of journeymate actually challenged me. I couldn’t accept someone like ‘B’ to cross my path and not stay. It felt unfinished when I confronted my real emotions.

It pushed me to make contact with her instead of taking the easy route of moving on. I knew for me to win her back I had to do it and she made it clear she was not going to contact me again because she was respectful and she obviously knew it meant I hadn’t grown if she did it.

If we don’t try can we really say we’ve lived a full life? I know whatever happens i will not wonder what if. I’ll know I gave it a real chance this time,  so it took bravery and I did it. That alone gave me self confidence, if the outcome had been unfavourable at the very least I knew I had morally done right by her. F those fears!

I know Kkasxo mentioned you and her have been on this thread for 2 years so I don’t know the exact story but whoever your  ‘journeymate’ is, maybe reassess? Hard to find a gem again mate!

I hope you find stability in what appears a very stressful career. Sometimes you just gotta say NO to the politics!

@Kkasxo fellow Londoner, you had this aura and positive vibe about you from the very first response to me. I must have felt it in my bones you’re a homie!😎 lol.

I greatly appreciate you not labelling me a fuckboy. I can’t express how much the compassion and you embracing me on this thread has changed me. I feel if you had been unsympathetic I may have taken the wrong turn. Thank you for pushing myself to ask hard questions and reinforcing my desire to fix up and settle down. All I know is the reflection over the past 10 months especially the last 4 where I’ve been single has been worth it. With further encouragement from you, I’ve steered my life in the healthy direction.

Someone who has good vibe and comes off as so amazing deserves whatever she wants. Don’t be afraid of letting go of Mr. A. Holding on if you know deep down he hasn’t taken the actions to change and fulfil what you need will cause more resentments and you’ll come to regret the wasted time. There is still love there so set each other free, be brave and go find someone who will give you what you want. You tried once, you gave it a shot. It didn’t work out but by no means should you resign yourself to end up a crazy cat lady!!

Time to ask yourself that hard question which sounds so easy. What do you want?

Sending you positive vibes mate and thanks a bunch! 🙃

Hello @KKasxo

Are you a fellow Londoner? 🙃 Thanks mate, appreciate it..look forward to a womans view too!

Thanks Tim for showing some faith in me and understanding my perspective.

I called her last night,  I just didn’t want to long it out.  I said please give me a few minutes to get this off my chest, then you can respond however you like and I’ll respect your choice.

I told her I had been thinking, wanted to be direct and honest. That I regret what happened and taking accountabilty and apologising was not to win her back it was to give her the peace, full closure and respect she deserved back then and amend for the pain I caused.

I said I’d really been reflecting on my future and what I wanted from an adult relationship. It was someone who believed in me, cared, supported me emotionally and encouraged me to be better, someone who will be the warmth for the old achy bones when I’m old.

It made me realise I had everything I had ever needed and I let it go. I told her I would love the opportunity for us to reconcile so I can show her the man she saw in me. I told her I see her as someone I want to be with long term and wifey, I was willing to take it at her pace because the connection we shared was special, she was the only person I’ve been my raw self with. I told her to not ask for a chance would forever play on my mind because we have the potential to foster a healthy, happy life together.

I told her she has changed my life already in so many ways and it was her who had helped save me from drowning in my pain and past. I said I wanted to be that person for her too not just the one who sucked her into his darkness. One who could shine bright with her and help her too when she was having a bad day. Most of all I wanted to do right by her and will respect any outcome.

She was silent for a bit after, felt like an eternity. She said she wasn’t expecting that at all. She had genuinely been touched by the apology and accountability in person but had closed that chapter many months ago by herself but was so happy to see I had matured and growth was happening. It made all the pain worthwhile for her.

She said she would be lying if she said she hadn’t wished we would reconcile at one point. There had been times she had wanted to contact me because she never stopped caring, but she was respectful. Also she knew in her heart for reconcilliation, I would have to make it happen because she wasn’t the one who was unsteady in her feelings. She said I wanted you but you didn’t want me and that feeling is not easy to overcome. So it had made her moving on easier, she knew she deserved better. Now she said she has reservations. She also said she is happy with where her life is at she is doing well and is always growing.

She said we had an instant soul connection, however the comparisons to the ex, the lack of value to who she was as an individual and being objectified made her believe that I may do that all again especially if she didn’t escalate the physical side because she had made a conscious choice. She mentioned if my self esteem was still healing then the what ifs from insecurities could hold us back again. She said wiping the slate clean and starting afresh sounds easy but would only work if both people have grown and wanted the same things.

I told her I could say many words to convince her but the proof would always be in the pudding.

If she was willing to rediscover each other and the new version of us from growth and start a fresh relationship like we had never met before, it was something I would work hard at and show her through my actions how much I admire and actually respect her. I said I wasn’t looking to be a yes man like I was with ‘A’ but I was looking to be 100% authentic and vulnerable with her, express my feelings and wanted to show her that softer side, the romantic side that I had trouble accepting after my past and was scared to invest out of fears.

I said I had arrived at the same point as her wanting a serious relationship that nurtures value, respect and love for one another. That communication between us had been good and it would go strength to strength that now i wasn’t afraid, i had healed and let go of my past.

I told her that the time I spent with her was the time I felt my best, grew in confidence and felt challenged to be and do better.

I wanted to invest for a long term relationship, a future with her and respect her values, to communicate if we hit a bump and show her I was driven to foster a healthy relationship with her.

I said I didnt want her to feel pressured to make a choice, I wanted what would make her happy because she spent all that effort and energy the first time making me happy and I know I was too immature back then to acknowledge what an awesome, intelligent, generous and caring woman I had.

If she wants me to not be a part of her life, I’ll accept it and hope my apology and remorse helped her even a little. I would wish her happiness and know damn well whichever man ends up with her will be one lucky son of a gun!! I told her, I understood if, she would rather invest emotional energy into someone new who was capable of valuing her right away.

She said it was a lot to digest, said we had never been toxic or abusive, she had felt the potential for a long lasting relationship was there but it could have been an illusion. She doesn’t know the implications it could have on me if we reconciled then she felt it wasn’t right for her because she had grown too.

I felt her confusion and told her I’m sorry. I told her to think about it. I told her to think what’s best for her, not the implications on me if it didn’t work out because I know now I wanted to take the risk, I had grown to be brave enough to face my issues and felt sure within myself the growth i had been doing would set us up for a beautiful future together. I said I know I took granted and disrespected her but I will show her I will not repeat those grave mistakes.

She said she didn’t want to be cruel and take too long but she would need the weekend to just think. I said take your time. I look forward to taking you out on our first date. (I wanted to show her confidence in my choice)

I just have to sit tight and wait. Which is the hardest part. What do you think based on above is is 50/50? @Tim @Shelbyville @Sammy @Kkasxo ?

• This reply was modified 4 years ago by Danny.

@Shelbyville

Thanks so much mate for your reply. I did wonder if i was romantasizing it..but I don’t know she was always vocal about what she wanted. So she could have ruled it out. It all happened yesterday. An hour ago she said a simple thank you for yesterday.

Should i give her space to digest? I have decided I’m not going to test the waters it’s what’s got me caught up in fear. I’m going to just ask her directly if getting to know one another for long term relationship is something she would consider. I have to be willing to risk it, I’ll not get another chance.

Is there anything I can help or advise you on? You sound mega stressed. I would like to help in any way possible.

I think because your name hyperlinked its awaiting moderation but @Sammy @Shelbyville @Kkasxo @Tim are you active on here?