Just caught up with the previous posts.

@Rhaenys – I know you wanted to know if you could post, @Shelbyville stated explicitly to continue using her thread to help and guide one another, so give me a shout if you need a male pov about something.

@Shelbyville also stated because of feeling stretched so thin she needed a bit of time to herself so don’t feel excluded. I respect her for taking those steps.

One thing ‘B’ explained to me when I told her I had felt disappointed when she walked away was that we can’t always give back when we want to. She said putting your own needs first especially when so selfless and giving, is a huge part of self love and growth. I appreciate ‘B’ qualities now so have worked on not taking it for granted or projecting my insecurities onto her and labelling her unreliable or selfish. When you love yourself you no longer need validation, you take the steps that are healthiest for you and the relationship. She said often those steps are the hardest ones. She said she had always cared about me so much but wasn’t going to accept less than she deserved. When I came back to her after working on my worth, fears and balanced the scales by offering her something in the relationship, we have thrived.

I’m sure @Shelbyville will return to giving inspiring advice and helping others when she has balanced her life and focused on what she actually needs. However in the meantime try not to feel excluded, we can only ever validate ourselves. If you need any guidance then ask.

@Sammy mate that’s a huge decision you are making. Are the memories too painful or do you have new goals? I have to say if you have to take drastic measures to erase someone whether that’s delete, block, hide all their belongings or sell a home. You are essentially compartmentalising and that from experience is not healthy. The memories can’t be erased without dealing with the feelings and achieving real acceptance. They will follow you everywhere and the intensity will be felt in your body.

‘A’ and best friends betrayal I couldn’t accept, look what I did as a consequence. ‘B’ choosing to put herself first after my despicable treatment, I still contorted into srlf pity in my head. I removed every reminder of her, told myself she wasn’t for me, justified my behaviour. But deep down those suppresed feelings remained. Any feelings we don’t deal with and resolve will haunt us. So think about your reasoning.

@Kkasxo how are you homie? Back into the swing of things with work? Has Mr A departed yet? Hope this new year is a reawakening one for you!

• This reply was modified 3 years, 3 months ago by Danny.

Hey @Kkasxo,

Fingers crossed it’s a YES! I will keep you updated on project put a ring on it ahahaha.

Did you manage to have a decent Xmas given the circumstances? How’s your nan?

Back to the rat race on the 7th for me, a bit of time to see what will happen next and plan accordingly!

Based on what I’ve read on Mr A, here’s a male perspective;

Have you heard of the sunk cost fallacy? It is very much true in relationships as it is in business. You wouldn’t be the first smart, attractive and kind woman to go down this rabbit hole.

If your eventual goal was to get married and start a family one day with Mr A but he has been making empty promises and after the chance given he still hasn’t committed then this guy has a reason that he’s not vocalising. His actions speak louder though and he’s failed to meet your needs. You’ve held on in hope he will change because of how much you invested.

Sometimes due to the investment, the familiarity, the fear of starting again or being alone we are reluctant to leave and stay in unhappy relationships or relationships that deep down don’t meet our needs so it easier to convince ourselves to see it through – results in time wasted and a dead end.

Asking yourself the questions in my previous post helps to see if what you have is worthy of the risk. There’s going with the flow in casual dating but if it’s a serious long term relationship then there comes a point you need to address if you are actually aligned enough to grow the love and compromise.

ou can love someone very much but on its own, as you’ve disvovered, it will never be enough.

Never wait for a man to change or chase him.

This man has not recognised your real value, you didn’t deserve this; someone draining you emotionally,  physically and spiritually.

Love and content relationships are meant to give you energy, make you feel young again and inspired to be better. Not burnout, constant instability and no security.

You’ve probably had to drag him into every single milestone i.e. meeting the family, living together etc. Instead of him meeting you halfway by himself. This should have been a huge red flag but for reasons you only know or the sunk cost fallacy you stayed too long.

Not leaving early enough when needs are unmet always leads to resentment setting in. You deserve a fulfilling relationship with someone who will value and honour the incredible brave woman you are.

As hard as it seems, you’re making the right choice and it’s not too late! The choice that is most difficult often is the right one and will lead you to the right one. I can tell you love him very deeply and that’s a reflection of your heart but homie you deserve more. In time you’ll really believe it too – will take some work on the old self esteem and healing.

You’ll forever regret it if you stay further for his breadcrumbs. You have the time to fix this chapter by stepping up for YOU.

He is an incredibly immature, selfish person for not setting you free himself earlier instead he’s kept you around whilst clearly knowing he was not capable of fulfilling his promises to you.

It doesn’t make him an evil person but does make him a boy who doesn’t know what real love is, who he is, what he needs – very much like myself at the beginning of the year. You’re not his mother or his therapist. He didn’t learn from the follies when you gave him a chance- it’s a shame. I guarantee you down the road he will regret it.

Instead here you are again having to show him the way and make the tough choices. You deserve an equal footed partnership.

‘B’ showed me the real meaning of love, she showed me the light but ultimately it was up to me to prove myself and offer her a balanced relationship. Even though she is the kindest, most generous caring soul I’ve met she always had a strong sense of self that’s why she walked away for herself early enough, I was disappointed with her at first but I respected her so much more afterwards. I knew if I reunited with her it would be all or nothing, I would have to step up. Mr A. doesn’t appear to have done any of that growth.

You are stronger than you know homie. Letting go of someone you care and love deep down takes strength. Don’t let your kindness hinder your own happiness, be tough and set a stringent deadline for his exit. Sometimes tough love is needed to help oneself and others. He needs to learn the consequences of his actions (lack thereof).

@Shelbyville and @Sammy
I think I have made some assumptions there, my bad.

Shelbyville I just thought the quietness was you gearing up for your first Xmas with your new BF. I didn’t realise you have so much on your plate and I apologise for adding pressure needlessly by assuming Sammy was awaiting your response. Sammy again I’m sorry to you too if it felt like a negative implication and for speaking on your behalf without thinking. You’ve come incredibly far, so resilient and should be extremely proud at your own strength and progress.

@Shelbyville if a tenancy agreement has been executed then getting your deposit back will be difficult as you’ll have been in breach of the contract if you didn’t move in. Contact Citizens Advice, 2 bags is a substantial amount to throw away. It’s going to be babies galore come this new year. My bro in laws partner is expecting too! Appears everyone got jiggy with it (@Tim 😉) over lockdown! Good luck to your sis and new arrival!

Thank you both for your advice, I think I just worked myself up as I desperately wanted to impress her folks – Mrs ‘B’ is a G! Her dad who if I’m being honest was a little stand-offish at first. I think if I felt disapproval of any kind it would eat away at me because it is family is a huge part of who ‘B’ is. So it was starting to panic me that I was not being well received. Incredible how it can take you right back to those nasty self doubts and feelings as an awkward unpopular child!

‘B’ is just amazing though, she sensed I was off kilter( even when I tried to put on a front) her emotional awareness is unreal. I think she had a word with her Dad that evening because the next day he softened and was much more interactive and we ended up bonding on our views of how Brexit has played out of all things and it went from there!

Yes, I bit the bullet and asked him on Christmas Day when he apologised for not getting me a gift – I cheekily said the greatest gift would be to have his blessing. To my relief he said although he will always be protective of her, whoever makes ‘B’ happy makes him happy and he was impressed with how I had approached him and ‘B’ had always spoke highly of me. I think he was just sizing me up so to speak at first!

So the proposal plan is in motion and I already have my grandmother’s ring I always thought it would be ‘A’ who was going to receive it but I couldn’t be more grateful and happier it is ‘B’ .

I’m proposing on new year’s eve, 2 days!!! Are families meant to meet before an engagement?

My bachelor days are behind me, and I’m buzzing, this woman has challenged and changed me, I feel certain I want to spend the rest of my life with ‘B’ because of how profoundly happy she makes me. I feel a sense of pride and excitement to entwine our lives. Everything around me feels calm with her in my life, we connected from the moment we met but it’s only now I understand the depth of the connection, I’m ready to finally be a real man. This year has been a turbulent one. At the beginning of the year to where I am now is unbelievable.

I felt initial embarrassment of using a forum but this turned out to be one of the greatest decisions of my life.

@Shelbyville I can’t thank you enough for this thread. Led to so many stark realisations, thought provoking concepts which steered me in the right direction. I also gained a virtual family even if we are a dysfunctional bunch we share the same core energy. We want to grow and be better than we were yesterday. I will tell ‘B’ about you all one day; my homie @Kkasxo, my bro @Tim, my teachers and mates @Shelbyville and @Sammy. That’s how I know I’ve found the one because I feel comfortable and able to share everything with her, no facades.

@Shelbyville I appreciate your need for a pause, take stock and find a balance in your life with work etc. What spurred me to reassess my life and find contentment was witnessing my bros illness. It made me realise, life was really too short to waste with the wrong company (lads), wrong partner ( A, C and everything in between) etc. To gain back control requires effort to evolve and face those raw real hidden emotions.

If like me you suffer from self doubts which seep into your relationship decision making, then from my experience these were the questions I asked myself and wrote out, which ultimately led me back to ‘B’ and solidified my decision and feelings.

• What do I need in a meaningful relationship?

I knew I needed an emotionally supportive partner. Someone who would listen without judgement, compassionate, generous but actually encouraged me to be a better person. A best friend so someone I can be totally 100 with.

• Do our values and ideals align?

Discussing your morals, values, future frankly is so important if you want a serious relationship. There will always be a need to compromise but discussing it early you can avoid staying in a relationship longer than you should if there are major conflicts. B and I always had that instant connect where we could talk deeply about anything – we discussed so much the first time so when I was reflecting I knew with compromise (mainly physical aspect) we were otherwise pretty much aligned before the reconciliation.

• Is this person someone I truly trust to share anything with?

Real love is meant to grow. It can only grow if you have a deep emotional bond where you go beneath the surface and see their true self without feeling afraid in anyway – B saw all my faults, scars and I hadn’t even been fully vulnerable yet. I knew that was special.

• Is there some physical/sexual attraction there?

Before anyone jumps on me, I said SOME because I’ve grown up from my superficial views. However that being said it’s got to be there to some extent without it you will find your eyes and your heart wandering/fantasising when needs are not met – I’ve always thought ‘B’ was hot and initially it was more about the chase. It’s deepened into an indescribable force because of the emotional attraction we’ve built by spending time together without going for the home run. I have no doubt now about the physical intimacy and I’d describe her as beautiful now!

• Does your partner truly make you happy?

When someone makes you really happy, it has a noticeable positive effect on your life. When I think of ‘B’ it’s always positive connotations, she always uplifts me.

•  Am I ready to spend the whole of my life with this person until death does us apart?

Commitment should be taken seriously so many people just say go with the flow, stay in the moment and staying like that often leads to a dead end. If you love someone you’ll want to be loyal, respect and fully accept your partners imperfections. I accept B’s flaw – not many discovered yet! But I actually love her so much I know I’ll overlook them. I want to commit with intent that’s so important.

• Are you loving conditionally, is it a need for you, is your relationship equal?

‘B’ was a need for me the first time around. She saved me from drowning. I didn’t really offer her much but she clearly saw something in me. On reflection
I only really understood the meaning of love through ‘B’ after she walked away. I love her unconditionally now and I believe our partnership is on equal footing. I believe she offers me everything I’ve needed and more. I believe I offer her the same in return now.

The right person will feel like a light when you’re stumbling in the darkness, will make those racing thoughts and self doubts hush with their compassion and understanding. Have a positive energy and effect on you – from your mental space to all your relationships around you. Your productivity will increase and you’ll find yourself stepping up and wanting to do better not just for your partner but yourself too.  You’ll know it is real love because that person usually brings out the best in us. If you feel that then submit to it without fear and like myself you’ll find peace.

I hope that helps @Shelbyville to figure out if your doubts are real or not.
I do extensive reading this article helped me with my feelings, I had already lost ‘B’ and it was more about me accepting myself for who I am.

thoughtcatalog.com/jamie-varon/2014/09/why-you-cannot-truly-love-the-person-you-are-afraid-to-lose/

Homie!! @Kkasxo

I felt an instant vibe too! I don’t have a sis so I’ll be your bro! Even let you correct me if I’m tripping! ahaha

Feeling the love – it’s got me in my feels and tearful, other than B no ones ever said they are proud of me! Who knew those words could resonate so deeply. For so long I felt like I had been a disappointment, the shame and disgust in varying forms from not being chosen to then how I reacted and hurt B – the one person who really got me. I never thought I’d do a 180 and be where I am.

I decided to stay with B’s family in their coach house over christmas, i don’t know if it’s nerves but I don’t think her old man is a fan and I’m reluctant to approach him for her hand! I’m also a bit concerned now with Tier 4 being threatened outside London too and feeling an inconvenience if I become stuck here.

Sorry to hear about your nan that really sucks on top of your family being out of the country must be so tough. I hope you are able to power through the festive period and be reunited soon. You’re stronger than you think to be dealing with this! On top to let Mr A. have a reprieve, you’re some woman!

You’re right you deserve so much more and you’ve come to find love on its own is never enough our internal needs always find a way to make themselves be heard. You owe it to yourself to have a fulfilling relationship and if Mr A is disturbing your peace of mind then that’s a clear sign something was amiss. Love is a verb. You have to keep working at it but is only fulfilling if both people feel the same, work the same amount and there are men out there who would show up and prove how much value you hold.

You are allowing him to live a little longer with you but don’t let him live rent free in your head!! There was no closure for me with ‘A’ . It’s terrible when it is over and you still love someone. So I would highly recommend that you both discuss it maturely before the years up and then let go so you can focus on healing and yourself.

The worse thing to do is let him leave but feel nothing has changed within you but everything has changed outside of you. It’s like stumbling in the dark, blinding and numbing. So get closure and really let go to be able to move forward.

I honestly think although it is a sh*t storm right now, you don’t realise how far you’ve come, you’re so smart and wise to not entertain further situationship’s and you’ll come out winning by doing some self loving. Don’t lose your hopeless romantic side the right guy deserves to experience all of you and he’ll love you for it.

You are amazing to even make such a hard decision when you still love him, progress!!!  Your self worth can only become greater! So I’m proud of you too homie! You will find this is the step towards a healthier and happier you.

@Sammy, me and @Shelbyville (when she returns) have your back! If you need anything over the festive period @ me !

Merry Christmas 🎅

@Sammy I’ll try to post back. Over the festive period it’s unlikely. I think it would be cool if any other astray male stumbled across my story, to be inspired so I will try give complete progress when I can.

You all helped put my jigsaw together. You all made a tremendous difference! Forever will be grateful for this thread @Shelbyville

@Kkasxo my homie I hope you are doing well. We never got to vibe much again but I hope you are in a good place!

@Tim @Sammy @Shelbyville @Kkasxo Have a merry Christmas you filthy animals and a happy new year! 🎄2️⃣0️⃣2️⃣1️⃣🎄

@Tim I read your response today to @Shelbyville which mentioned me and bro you are so on the money with your relationship advice.

It is unlike me to fall for someone so quickly. I’m aware of the stats saying men fall first normally. I think you were dead right somewhere in that first 6 months I had subconsciously started falling for her but let the need for the escalation of the physical side and the self pity party convince myself otherwise!

Being around her is fun and I’ve been focusing on enjoying her company without letting myself be drowned out by the sexual desire. It’s proven I’ve got the real thing and I’m in deep!

The most bizarre thing happened. We were just chatting on the sofa and having a little heart to heart, I told her how I’d be overcome with sadness still for hurting her before and making her feel used. She was incredibly appreciative I had opened up about those feelings.

She spoke about repentance and self forgiveness going hand in hand. Then she made me write down those negative feelings I still had, using an ink pen, I had no idea where she was going but then she ran it under water and said the pain/sins were washing away and watching the words fade and paper dissolve was soothing it was like a physical symbolism of letting go.

Just the spiritual and emotionally understanding ‘B’ has, really surprises me. She has this natural ability to make you feel heard. When I initially met her that’s what drew me to her, I felt this ease that even though I was drowning under water with the events around me. She never ever minimised my pain. She always tried to either help or help me understand how to deal with it but never dismissed it like “toughen up” or “others have been through worse, you should be grateful.” I really took it for granted back then for sure!

Went bit off track to what I’m getting to but after that she suggested we do a trust fall. I had never done this before and I’m not being sexist she’s a strong lady mentally but I just felt falling backwards, she has a lithe figure and I could possibly hurt her with the impact of my frame and weight.

So she said 1,2,3 and instead I fell forwards as a joke . She fell on top of me in fits of giggle and in that moment when I rolled around to face her, I knew. I just knew it.

All the doubts, all the fears, everything just hushed itself. I felt this calmness overcome me. I realised I really do love her.

She made me do the fall again and I hate to admit it she caught me cleanly, so I’m a sexist pig haha!

Being with her is definitely benefiting other parts of my life and relationships too. She honestly is such a positive influence and keeps me in such a good space mentally and I can tell her anything and feel. I feel youthful around her and inspired to be better.

I have been sitting with it and cheesy as this may sound smiling at myself when I think about it. I haven’t said it out aloud but at the same time my heart is bursting to profess it to her, now that I’ve felt all those doubts disappear.

It has been just close to 3 weeks, is it too soon to say it? Technically in total its about 7/8 months of a relationship.

I really have found your insight valuable what do you advise @Tim?

My bro said life is too short (given his illness hits harder) and if I’m sure then it’s never too soon.

Ladies what’s your view @Sammy @Shelbyville @Kkasxo is it better to wait? Would you be happy to hear it or alarmed?

She wants to introduce me to her family over Christmas so I’m guessing she is feeling it’s heading in the right direction. She met mine on Friday and they think she’s just as amazing!

If it didn’t look so impulsive, I’d propose but I want to get to know her family and earn my place. Ask her father for her hand. I’m traditional like that.

What I was looking for was in front of me and creeping into my heart all along. I know some of you may think I’m caught up in the idea of it all but my pride caused me to lose a woman who I’ve loved all this time because I was not aware enough to address my fears, change my behaviour and apologise. I occupied myself by entering another relationship just so I wouldn’t face the feelings and miss her but it all caught up with me. I’m a better man for it and a lucky one to have even been given a chance. So I don’t want to ruin it again.

@Kkasxo homie you got the courage in you too, do what will make you feel most fulfilled. It’s good you escaped to Southend for some peace, Central London yesterday was loud and heaving!

@Sammy So glad you touched base mate, are you ok? Thanks for your support, I never saw it in that way, so cool to get a woman’s perspective on the physical side but BLUE BALLs though mate lol.( I don’t know if it’s permissible to say that without being called a dick on here. Sighs.) Anyway she’s trying to not get me too excited bit difficult because I find her even more irresistible now, its fun but I’ve realised love is hard -in many ways lol but so worth the effort. I love being with her even holding her gives me an ease, definitely going to take it as her pace and respect her!

@Tim Bro 👊 thanks so much. Your understanding and experiences as a man have been an incredible help. Everything you said is on the money!!!! I think that’s exactly what’s happening..

I do feel deeply for her, I will not just blurt it out, I want to honour those words. I feel like I’m really growing up. After reading your post, I even researched emotion intelligence. Its referred as EQ on most sites. She has an abundance already and I’m going to work on improving mine, it’s the best advice!

During the first 6 months her sensitivity and softness I treated with disdain, I think because I didn’t like that in me after As betrayal but after reading that article and now understanding my feelings, it’s what will create LASTING LOVE. It’s the very traits in her which I feel endearing now. How foolish us men can be with real emotion!

Heres an article for @All I found it so useful:

Emotional Intelligence in Love and Relationships

@Tim , respect bro 👊,  thank you for showing so much faith and confidence in me. I regard your advice highly so I’ll be sure to follow it to also succeed and hopefully I can report back with good news like yourself in the near future! Thanks so much mate.

@Kkasxo I don’t know the full details of your story and was unaware of the trauma. So I will leave it to @Shelbyville to address it.

However I clicked instantly with you and I have to say you are more than your trauma! I came on here and unbeknownst to me a woman who obviously has some big demons she’s fighting, reached out and offered me a safe place to express my feelings without making me feel like a dick even though I definitely was one. You are an incredible person, compassionate, wise and with so much more to offer than you think, I felt the vibes early on homie!!

You know I think we often hold on to things even if they are negative for us, like a kid holds onto his favourite toy or blanket because we are scared without the familiarity that we will be not know who we are. Deciding to hold on to the past will hold you back from creating a strong sense of self and that self is not defined by your past. Its your future. So you have the power to make it whatever you want.

I’ve realised how facing our fears is what makes us really grow. Set him free yourself. Give yourself the power. It will be so scary at first but you’ll surprise yourself on how amazing you are. That need or hole he is filling,  you’ll learn to accept within you and do more to love yourself. Eventually you’ll be ready to go out there without the fear someone new needs to come in and fill whatever that need for you is, you will do it for yourself because you’ll know who you are and what you want. You are far far from a disappointment… so quit being hard on yourself 🙃!