Mishy, our stories sound so similar! So I actually DID get a text from him last night thanking me for sending his things and for the “thoughtful letter.” He said I wouldn’t have had to mail them back and asked if he could see me this afternoon after work to get food and coffee.

I will admit I said yes (I know, I know… Pleae go easy on me). Well I was looking forward to seeing him all day while I was working. He said he’d pick me up between 5:30-6:00. I was fully ready to leave (hair and make-up done, nice outfit picked out). He texted me at 5:00 saying he was stuck at work at the hospital with a difficult case. He said he was sorry, sent a picture “proving” he was still there in his scrubs, and then said “maybe we can meet this weekend.”

I know I brought this on myself. I had a feeling the plans would fall through. And of course he didn’t propose a specific day to meet again. He simply said that he was so sorry and “MAYBE” we could meet this weekend.

I just gave a short response and said “Sorry to hear that. Hope the rest of your week goes better.”

Mishy, I agree that we should both seek people who are at the minimum within the basic range of human kindness and empathy. And I also have felt the connection I had with him was a “mirage.” It was only real in my mind.

What a shame. I hope to come across a man in the future who is able to reciprocate the love and kindness I’m willing to give in a partnership.

Thank you all for the thoughtful responses. You all offered a different and helpful perspective.

My takeaway while reading is that:

1) I have to let go of control in areas where I don’t have control. We don’t have 100% control of our futures. We can’t even guarantee tomorrow. I would like to “give it to the universe” and just let things unfold as they’re meant to.

2) When I change my perspective and look at my situation differently, it’s actually kind of nice to not have someone to answer to (a significant other), not be 100% responsible for another person’s life (a child), and to not have all of the extras that come along with being part of a typical married couple (a home owner with a mortgage, house maintenance, etc…). I have a lot of freedom right now.

3) Is not finding my “soulmate” or “best friend” (if that even exists) really the WORST thing that can happen in life? When you really think about it: no. There are worse things that could happen, such as: getting into a horrific accident, becoming permanently disabled, being diagnosed with an incurable disease, losing your immediate family members, etc…

So, I’ll try to focus more on what I DO have, open my heart to what is possible, and just let things unfold as they’re supposed to. I personally do believe everything happens for a reason.

Heikki: I think that’s a great approach! I’m going to get my counselor’s perspective during our meeting tomorrow. I think that may be the best way to do it though. It’s hard waiting for him to get in touch with me (it could be days, weeks, or possibly never), so I may as well see if he’ll accept to meet for coffee. If not, I’ll still wish him well. Even though I’m feeling sad right now, I’ll still know I tried and was able to end things on a good note from my side. I would most likely do exactly what you said, “tell him a friendly I wish you the best kind of goodbye. That you were happy to have met him and spent that brief time with him, and only wish him well.”

May, what you wrote resonated with me. Because he’s in his residency, I understand that’s his top priority. I always wanted to be respectful and understanding of that. What I didn’t understand is why he signed up on a dating website, pursued me pretty heavily and asked me on a date, just to later emotionally withdraw and say, “I’m just so busy in my life right now.”

I feel deep down that what he did was selfish. It takes less than 5 minutes out of an entire 24 hour day to utilize the convenient technology we have now to simply tell someone, “Hey, I’ve got a lot going on with work today, just wanted to say I hope you’re having a good day.”

But he would often not do that. And why? Because he didn’t want to! While I’m still heartbroken, a part of me feels relieved that I don’t have to make excuses for him anymore. In the 7 months we knew each other he never met one of my friends. Not a single one. He never even asked to. Why? Because he didn’t care enough to. I always made excuses for him and told my friend’s, “He’s really busy… He’s a doctor. He’s like this to everyone…” I’m done with the excuses.

I deserve someone who feels as excited about me as I do about them. Not someone who throws me crumbs of attention when he’s feeling lonely in his downtime or tells me he’ll text me and then doesn’t for days. This was a classic “he’s just not that into you.” It was like a story right out of that book. I was just too head-over-heels and created something wishful in my mind that wasn’t really there. In my personal opinion, when you deeply care about someone and want to be with them, there won’t be questions if it’s a healthy relationship and the feelings are mutual. Anyways, thanks for your response and keep us posted!

Thank you for the replies and helpful, encouraging insight. Heikki: If we met, I do think I could detach myself from being together. I know we weren’t meant to be but I feel leaving on a happy note would bring me some peace and closure. Almost like it wasn’t all for nothing and that what we had was special, even if it wasn’t meant to be for the long run. Is my imagined scenario reality? I honestly don’t know. I feel like it’s a coin toss. He also still hasn’t contacted me to get back his things and its been 5 days since we last texted. I know there’s a possibility he could take it as a chance to disappear and I could never hear from him again. This would probably hurt the most. The things I have of his aren’t anything super special. He could easily replace them.

So I read that when you’re used to being co-dependant and you want to find happiness alone, you should “date” yourself. Basically if it’s something you’d typically want from a significant other, you do it for yourself. Learning “self-love” while being single is difficult and foreign to me.

Well, every Valentine’s Day for several years I was given flowers and/or small gifts from a significant other. It was something I enjoyed so I’m trying to do that for myself this year. When I was at the grocery store I bought a bouquet of flowers that I could put on my desk. I also bought sea-salted caramel gelato and a brownie (yeah, I know I’m several days early with all of this). On the car ride home I was thinking about how it didn’t feel the same doing all of this for myself. I didn’t have that “warm, fuzzy” feeling or a feeling of surprise. I ended up sobbing on the drive home because of the heartbreak and knowing that I don’t have intimacy or companionship right now. I thought the flowers and stuff would make me feel better. Not really. Maybe I have to get used to the feeling of being alone first.

• This reply was modified 8 years, 10 months ago by dreaming715.

All of your responses have been a source of hope for me. Thank you so much!

Just a quick update: He still hasn’t contacted me about picking up his stuff. This is hurtful because he has an opportunity to talk to me or at the very least see me one last time and I know he’s not in any rush to do so. I haven’t contacted him because I actually have an appointment with my therapist in three days and I kind of want to hear their perspective one what I should do from here.

I don’t know why but there’s this part of me that wants us to meet for coffee one last time, talk, laugh, hold hands, and leave with one happy memory.

Is this crazy? Why do I feel like this will give me closure? Maybe because I’ll know on some level he did care about me enough to leave with one happy ending. But what does it matter what he thinks of me anyways?