Hi Shaydee

I think you have a really good perspective on this already. You have a lot of emotional maturity and self-awareness.

Please only answer the following if you are comfortable.

How do you feel about your own sex life with your partner?

I only ask because on the surface a three way sounds like a fun thing. I would think of a partner as sexually adventurous if they were open to things like a three-way. But I hear that three ways don’t always go well. If anything, it tells me that your girlfriend is open minded.

I’m curious about your thoughts and feelings about this? Does it raise any fears for you? I would imagine it could feel intimidating for someone who has a different background and has experienced anxiety and difficulties with relationships previously.

It’s okay to have different experiences and backgrounds. You are different people! One positive thing that you can expect in the future is that you have an open minded partner. I’m sure that together you can have much better experiences than a three way situation. That is only something that she only wanted to try a couple of times. She will want to be with you more than a couple of times for sure. Clearly, a loving relationship is much more fulfilling to her than a three way.

Hi Mia

That’s awful! I’m so sorry that you had to deal with that racism at a place that is supposed to be safe for everyone in the community. It says a lot about the coach’s character that you weren’t supported when you were clearly wronged. That guy was begging for an ass-kicking. Well done on defending yourself during the sparring session, taking the graffiti matter to the police and removing yourself from such an intolerant place. No one should have to deal with this! I’m glad that some members supported you. It sounds like there is a divide between racists and non-racists now.

It sucks that there are no other options nearby. I hope that you find another hobby. You’re a brave and strong lady!  I hope all of this settles now that you’ve left the club.

And of course, never give anything of value to people with money problems unless you are okay with losing it.

Hi Frozenfireflies

No, he didn’t pursue therapy. I’m not sure if he read books or other resources about the subject. I did occasionally send him link to websites that I personally found helpful. He does have some psychological training though as he used to be a therapist a while ago. It’s interesting to learn that even people with psychological training can experience these difficulties. So imagine how hard it is for someone without training.

I got that impression from you that you try and avoid disagreements because of his reactions. From my perspective it seems like he might be the one voicing concerns more frequently. Like he did the other day. Unlike you, he doesn’t feel afraid of how you will react.

Have you always avoided confrontation in all of your relationships? Or is it something that occurred with your husband only?

I think you did a really good job of standing up for yourself when he was critical. You didn’t back down after he tried to shut you down. It sounds like standing up for yourself that second time was more successful as seemingly he didn’t say anything after that?

I can see how much effort you have put into maintaining healthy standards of communication. I hope that he learns from your good example.

Wishing you all the best! 🙏

Hi Frozenfireflies

It’s good to hear that in some circumstances that your husband is understanding and acknowledges his mistakes.

I would agree with you his history has caused some difficulties with his communication style. He lived that way for 30 years. It is going to take some time to undo.

For my husband it took 6 years of work throughout our relationship to develop a healthier communication style. It honestly takes time.

I don’t necessarily agree that your husband isn’t interested in changing. He might simply not know how or have sufficient emotional control. Like how you have difficulties taking a break in these situations. I agree that he could benefit from therapy.

I can understand how his behaviour feels dangerous and is a trigger for you. It doesn’t sound to me like you are in the wrong at all

There is a question that my therapist used to ask me constantly. Now I will ask you the same question. When is the first time you remember feeling similar emotions of danger and the need to pursue in your life?

I can understand why you feel hurt in your example of your recent example. He was criticising you. I’ll add that it is a very common criticism in relationships.

Yesterday, I had a massive energy bill. My husband asked me to put the heating on through winter and I did as he asked despite my preference being to save money. I was upset by the energy bill. I said this is because you wanted the heating on all the time. Why don’t you wear layers? He said he does and still gets cold and was a little flustered. We cuddled after.

Yesterday, I was cleaning the shower and my husband came along. My husband tried to dissuade me from cleaning the shower. He asked why I was cleaning it and said that I would hurt myself. I said I have to do it because no one else will. He said he cleans everything else around here. I said you asked, I just answered in a sassy way. He joked know your butt is right there. I said you can kick it just be gentle.

These are common small squabbles that don’t really mean anything if you have a healthier relationship. I think the difference in your example is that your husband doubles down when you defend yourself against criticism. It sounds like there’s some emotional pain carried around on both sides.

I can understand why it feels like he’s blaming you and criticising your character. The truth is that there’s nothing wrong with your character. You forget things sometimes. People who have higher standards typically complain if things aren’t to their liking. But it doesn’t mean that you are doing anything wrong. He is having difficulty with his own feelings because of his own standards.

I would suggest that your husband’s back pain is also a factor in his communication difficulties too. It’s not right, but it does make sense. I know I have experienced that too.

Did you check your email to verify the account?

It’s not a chat room. It’s got a private chat function but live as opposed to email.

What’s your account name and I’ll message you?