Hi Emma

It’s great news that you found a male therapist who specialises in trauma. Getting the right therapist and the right treatment is half the battle. It should be noted that there are many styles of therapy and a therapist may use more than one style. A patient can say if a specific style isn’t helpful. Personally, I found CBT to be too intense. When I discussed the issue my therapist was able to switch me to a different kind of therapy that was more suitable.

I hope your husband gives therapy a try and things improve for you both! You both deserve to be happy. I’m glad you gained some clarity and I wish you luck working on things. 🙏

Hi Emma

I have Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, likely for similar reasons to your husband. Your husband likely has this condition too. I have difficulties with watching certain content on television because it triggers my PTSD.

Your husband needs professional help. I have had therapy, quite a lot of it. You have been living with the side effects of his untreat condition for too long.

I do not blame other people for being able to watch and enjoy shows with content that triggers me. If I did, that would be controlling and abusive. I do not withhold and bottle up issues for years. I freely discuss issues when they occur with my husband. There is no wonder when all of the years of his resentment came out at once that you were not receptive to it.

You think he is being unfair, because he is. I think you have been a very patient partner and have endured much as a result of his untreat condition. Even today you suffer as a result of it.

The only question I have for you is do you still allow your family to treat him poorly? Has this behaviour changed? Honestly, it seems like the only thing you have “done wrong”. Lying about watching a tv show is an extremely minor issue.

I would suggest reading about verbal abuse. In my opinion, his behaviour is verbally abusive.

Hi Zaredkhan!

It is good to hear that you are generally calmer. I hope once the exam passes and all of these bad things happening to you settle down you return to feeling calmer again. Perhaps the level of stress at the moment has been very intense?

Do you think this fear of failure is related to your exam? Or is it a more general feeling? How do you feel the exam went?

For some people, this fear of failure during exams passes when they understand that they won’t fail and they become more confident in their own ability.

There is a saying that if something is worth doing perfectly, it is worth doing imperfectly. If you try your best, that is all that matters. We all make mistakes, we are all imperfect.

Hi Soulgazer!

It is certainly a journey!

I know what you mean about picking up the vibes of others.

I think this can change when you focus more on yourself.

For example, my coworker was acting odd and it triggered anxiety in myself. My thoughts jumped to what if I did something to upset her and she was behaving this way because of me.

Turns out, it was completely unrelated to me. She was experiencing difficulties in her home life. A few days later her behaviour returned to normal.

To do my job, I needed to ignore my coworker’s behaviour and focus on what I was doing. You pick up less of other’s vibes this way.

Hi Alecsee

I’m confused? I thought you essentially broke up with her because she was seeing someone else at the same time as you. Is this not accurate?

I’m glad that you have been healing.

Hi Eric

I do think that you have made some progress in 3 years. I was a lurker for a while before I started posting. You have established some good habits that relieve anxiety by going to the gym. You are having short conversations with people. You are open to learning new skills. But is it enough? Could you have made more progress with a professional over the past 3 years?

Your current issue fantasising about a relationship with the mooncake girl. Realistically, this is unlikely to happen. To establish a relationship you will need to actively communicate with many women. Currently, you aren’t there yet. You are avoiding tackling your severe social anxiety. Like you hypothesised in a previous post. You will need to do what you did in university. Force yourself to interact with people and learn to manage the associated discomfort.

I agree with Anita in that you need quality professional support. The level of self-abuse you display is extremely concerning. You ignore the issues with this, claiming that it helps you learn. Has it ever honestly helped? Beliefs such as this one are holding you back.

I think that everyone needs help to deal with tough issues and you are dealing with some really tough issues. Neither of us are asking you to do something that we haven’t done ourselves. Everyone here is rooting for you Eric. If you begin to see a therapist, this would indicate some significant growth.

For me, I had an adult therapist for 3 years. I went from a total recluse after being raped (I was literally terrified of all men and didn’t venture outdoors and cut all contact with friends) to meeting my husband, having a job, returning to studying, engaging with people. This is the level of change the support of a talented professional can create in 3 years. Realistically, some of these changes happened after therapy ended, but I continued to practice the skills she taught me and she set me on this path. It has been 7 years since I started working with her.

Hi aVoid

I’m glad that you have maintained the healthy relationships with your family and have created boundaries with the less healthy relationships.

It’s good to hear that you are pursuing therapy. I used to believe that therapists didn’t care, but the reality is that they could do any job for money. They choose to commit their lives to helping others. They care. I can understand wanting a therapist that understands. I’d like to share with you the benefits of a therapist that doesn’t understand.

I had a therapist with very few experiences of trauma in her life. She had a huge amount of empathy for the suffering of others. She was very clear that the experiences of trauma were unhealthy and able to clearly articulate why and encourage me to set boundaries.

I totally understand the habit of ruminating at night. At the end of the day we all have a natural tendency to reflect. But with trauma, it’s a very painful and difficult habit to change. Have you been ruminating at night since childhood? Was there a reason you did this?

For me, as a child I believed falsely that my actions during the day were the reason why I was abused. I thought if I could plan to do things perfectly I would succeed in preventing the abuse.

With PTSD the mechanism causing intrusive memories is avoidance. Not wanting to feel the pain, which is a human and understandable reaction. Being willing to face the discomfort of your trauma and process the feelings in time will help you let these memories stay where they belong, in the past. A good trauma therapist will help you with this.

Wishing you all the best! 🙏