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Hi Arie
I have been following this thread. I think it’s understandable why you have been concerned. You sensed that something was amiss and it was.
He is depressed and avoiding you because of abuse at home. His mother threatened to kick him out because you are dating (She would threaten this with any girlfriend). As you are being involved in the abuse, it’s understandable that he needs space during this tumultuous phase of the abusive cycle. None of this is your fault, but you do need to accept what is happening.
In a less tumultuous phase of the abusive cycle his depressive mood may stabilise. There is a small chance he may resume the relationship then if you respect his needs and give him the space he asked for.
During the requested space, perhaps it might be okay to ask if he would mind you texting him say once a week to check in? Whatever timeframe he agrees to you should accept and stick to.
I’m sorry that things are painful because a) he is suffering and you want to be there for him and b) he isn’t able to cater to your needs during this time. You must ask yourself if this is what you want in a relationship? He may have difficulty sustaining a relationship while he lives with his mother. If things recover I recommend that you do not spend time at his house. Meeting elsewhere would be ideal.
As for S&M, if he doesn’t try and coerce you into participating I see no issue. It is up to you whether you participate or not. Be prepared to set some boundaries about what you do and don’t want to do!
Hi Petalinthewind
I’m glad to hear that you had a good day!
It’s natural to consider these things, especially during difficult times. Thoughts and feelings are often spontaneous. We don’t choose how we feel, we choose how we respond to it. You were very careful in how you chose to respond. Well done on protecting yourself and your marriage from this predatory man.
I agree with Anita’s conclusion about your ex and his character. Chances are if you were willing he would have used you while staying with his wife.
Is that really love? If anything, he’ll probably move on to looking for another individual he can use while hiding his behaviour from his wife. I feel sorry for her!
Hi Danny!
Personally, I’m not a fan of affirmations so I’ll discuss the subject of failure.
I think it varies. It’s important to be aware of realistic threats. Obviously, it’s not great to lose a substantial amount of money or go bankrupt. It happens, but people try and avoid it.
At the same time, for people who experience catastrophising, fear is often exaggerated. Not every situation you encounter is going to end in a worst case scenario. Frequently experiences end more positively than anticipated. As you know fear can lead us to avoid certain situations. Perhaps this means that you are refusing opportunities and positive experiences out of fear? Truly, the only way to overcome a fear of failure is to do what you are afraid of.
As an adult tutor, I’ve learned that anxiety and failure is part of the process of learning for adults. When you are new and experiencing something for the first time often, people make mistakes. Then we can learn from our mistakes and do something successfully.
Negative self-talk is often the root cause behind catastrophising and fear of failure. Perhaps it might be beneficial to practice writing about yourself positively. Can you do this while thinking about your dreams, goals and considering next steps on how to achieve them?
Hi Ivygrl!
Thank you for pinging me! It’s so good to hear that you are doing well. I’m sorry I lost track of your thread. Please feel free to do so again in the future, it goes straight to my e-mail.
To answer your previous questions about self-care. It might involve sticking to a routine. Making sure you eat, drink, bathe, brush your teeth, sleep and exercise regularly.
But you can get create with it. It might involve writing a journal, drawing or doing makeup. Anything you like or enjoy counts as practicing self-care. If you are having a difficult day it is very important to take extra care of yourself and treat yourself very kindly. This helps you recover from the difficulties.
You mentioned being scared about writing in a journal. If you are scared about getting into trouble for writing something in your journal you don’t have to write exactly what happened. You could focus on your feelings and keep things vague so that no one is identified. This means that you would not include the content of the argument.
E.g. I feel hurt. School was difficult. I had an argument today, it was really upsetting. I don’t think it was fair.
You asked about how to stop punishing yourself and pushing yourself so hard. By treating yourself kindly and practicing self-care. People are able to do more when they are happy and relaxed. They have difficulty doing things when they are tired and stressed. Pay attention to how you feel. If you don’t feel great, you need to take care of yourself.
Goals take time to achieve. You already have a busy life with school. Prioritising tasks is an important skill.
It’s important and it needs to be done quickly.
It’s important but doesn’t need to be done quickly.
It needs to be done quickly but isn’t that important.
It isn’t important and doesn’t need to be done quickly.
The most important thing for drawing, writing or any skill is to practice. It’s okay to take breaks, but if you try to draw or write something once a week or once every two weeks, over time all the practice adds up.
How to stay accountable for the things you’d like to learn and taking care of your needs? Prioritising tasks and activities might be helpful.
Advice on how not to forget about books while studying. When studying it is suggested to take regular breaks. Everyone’s needs are different. Use a timer on your phone or a clock to figure out how long it takes for you to find it difficult to concentrate. For me, it’s about 40 mins. Next, try taking different lengths of breaks on different days. Somewhere between 5 mins and an hour is recommended. Figure out what is best for you. After your break, continue studying.
If you manage your time and take breaks while studying then you are scheduling putting your book down and scheduling when to pick it up again. A bookmark to hold your position might be helpful if you don’t have one already. A set place where you put your books when you study might help remind you of where they are when you put them down.
Good luck with everything! What are your favourite genres of book to read? I like horror, fantasy and science fiction.
Hi Simon
I hear that being a chef is a very demanding job. It must be tiring being on your feet all day. Do you experience any physical pain? If so, it might be worth discussing with a doctor. Even for fatigue alone, surely it couldn’t hurt getting a check up.
Since you are the owner, if space allows would you be able to get a seat to rest when possible? I hope that you have some comfortable shoes and someone helping you serve customers. It seems incredibly challenging to run a business, be a chef and raise 5 children.
Hi Brian!
There are different levels of caring about others.
Kind people may care about strangers. This might involve caring about their needs being met. They may believe in treating all people with respect and kindness. Perhaps, they also care about the happiness of others. Even if all they can do is try and make you smile or laugh for a brief moment.
Caring about acquaintances might mean taking an interest in their life. Being willing to listen to any difficulties they are having. You might even do favours for each other or exchange gifts.
Caring about friends and family is obviously going to be a deeper connection. Perhaps this involves sharing private thoughts and emotions that you may be unwilling to share with others. Often, people will feel concern and want to help if a loved one is struggling.
Obviously, there are many things left out. Individuals may be willing to do different things at different levels. It is natural for some people to come and go in our lives. Ultimately, no one is forced to laugh at jokes, smile or compliment another. They do it because they want to.
Can I ask you what value the beliefs you discussed add? How do they make you feel? How do you think they would make others feel?
Previously, you mentioned distrust with meeting new people. Where do you think this level of distrust comes from?
Hi Simon
Anita is giving you some really great feedback. I’d like to consider the practical aspects of your lifestyle.
My immediate concern is overwork. Various circumstances can mean that a level of work we were previously capable of is no longer feasible.
Could you take a vacation and see how you feel after taking a break?
What would you like your lifestyle to look like? Is it time to involve children in the family business? Would you like to reduce your hours? Would you like to retire at some point?
It sounds like you’re a good person who puts a lot of pressure on yourself. If taking things a bit easier helps you get through your day. I think you’ve earned it!
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 