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Hi Again,
I would leave:
1. When Respect is not there. Contempt, anger, invalidating ~ those are deal breakers for me.
2. When there is infidelity, physical or emotional. Caveat: I have kids now so I would actually stay in the marriage until the last one is grown. A child’s stability trumps crazy girlfriends who would break up a home because they are “soul mates”.
3. When there is an issue “beyond” me. We are wives/girlfriends, NOT trained therapists. Addiction, abuse, gambling, anything with an anonymous 1-800 number.
4. When the man won’t take care of himself. Morbidly obese, untreated health problems, untreated depression. If they won’t take care of themselves, how would they help take care of their family? Especially in an emergency?
Best,
Inky
It is so trite, but:
1. Time heals all wounds and
2. Living well is the best revenge.
Nicole, I can almost promise you that in a year he will talk to and treat his current girlfriend as badly as he has to you. And that in a year after that, they won’t be together. In fact, in five years don’t be surprised if you run into her and you compare horrible notes.
Two stories to make you feel better:
My first love had treated me a little shabby and at his worst would say things like, “Go back to the people who love you” and crap like that. He, of course, was gorgeous. Cue fifteen years later. We see each other again. He had lost all his looks, and it looked like life had treated him about as well as he had treated me. He had a chip on his shoulder because the world may give good looking people a free pass on bad behavior, but ugly looking people the world will usually give no pass at all. I’m there with my tall, blonde, handsome, kind husband who loves me. He mutters sarcastically, looking at him: “Who wears a tie?” and stalks away.
The second story.. Me and my sister are in a bar and my ex-brother-in-law’s now ex-girlfriend is there. We start comparing notes. We say, “No, it’s not your imagination, he is really like that”. She says he had dumped her last year and she will still get texts from him, giving her crap. At that moment her cell phone chirps. It’s him! She says, “Oh, by the way, I’m sitting here with your old sister-in-law and your ex-wife!” He hears us three burst out laughing at him! He was all, “Why are you friends?!?” He never called to bother her again!
Chin up! You are all that and he knows it! Otherwise he wouldn’t have tried so, so hard to bring you down!!
Karma will work out in your favor for you to see it, you’ll see!
Hi sandy,
I think you’re being too hard on yourself. When you’re in a new relationship or dating, everyone puts their best foot forward. Even “10s”. And even if you’re a “5” everyone can polish up for a first date to seem like an “8” to a “10”. It’s what we do!
1. For a date coming over to your house, OF COURSE you’ll clean up! It’s what we do when company’s coming over anyway. It gives us a chance to clean!
2. Don’t talk about your debt or leave “WARNING: Third Notice!” envelopes out in plain sight. If you’re a student, of course you’re in debt! How can you not be? Everyone gets it and no one will talk about it, assuming you’ve got it under control. Even millionaires have debt! It’s the American Way, after all!
3. No one talks about their family’s addiction problems until you’re already established in a relationship. And when you bring it up, guess what? The other person will offer their family’s skeletons in the closet too! No family is immune to problems. There is no perfect family.
4. Guys don’t care if a woman’s not already established or “successful”. They just don’t, in my experience. They want someone pretty, nice, stable and supportive who gives them happiness and no drama.
You’re not as bad as you think, and the guys out there aren’t as good as they’re projecting either.
Have Fun!
Inky
Hi lotuslotus,
I think what has happened is that you worked so hard for so long, now that you have “arrived”, you essentially crashed. You know how your body suddenly gets sick after you’ve gone through a long ordeal? When it’s “over”, the body says, “Now is the perfect time to reboot” (get sick so you can recover). You are depressed. The shyness/isolation/you miss your boyfriend ~ I’m not saying it’s not real, not at all ~ but to me they seem like mental excuses to keep yourself unhappy. Because you don’t have the energy to get into this new life of yours. The disappointment of “This is it?” now that you’ve arrived have compounded your discouragement too.
What I would do is give it time. Work at your job with no expectations. Do things that interest you with no expectations. Join a place of worship and a gym ~ again with no expectations. Meet your neighbors. Go on local Meet Ups. Volunteer. Again, no expectations. By the end of the year take a step back and critically review your life. I bet you will happily discover you actually have several friends.
Best,
Inky
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 