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I think you’re thinking too much LOL.
Everyone has “Issues”, but only if we “Think” about them. If your memory of the past was wiped clean, and you opened your eyes for the fist time, all you would see is a perfectly lovely girl looking back at you. Try to separate your “stuff” from your relationship.
True love is most like a parent doting on her beloved child. She stares at his beauty even though everyone might think he’s an ugly baby. She marvels at his genius even though he’s in the “Resource” Lab in the school’s gray basement. She devotes hours of her time lovingly making childhood scrapbooks filled with memories even though he has few friends.
That is what love is.
- This reply was modified 6 years, 5 months ago by Inky.
Let’s say the mental box he had put you in was “This girl needs help”. If he’s the one helping, he must know what he’s doing, right?? LOL
Now, clearly, you don’t need help, but he has to be in the power position, so he texts to see how you “are”. Again, LOL.
Our Primal Selves always seek balance. You wanting to show him, “I don’t need you, numb chucks!” is just you instinctively seeking balance. In the reality, when you tell him or when he sees that, his common reaction will be to think, “Yeah, right!” to protect his mental status-quo. What he resists, persists, too! It goes both ways!
Mother Nature, Time, Karma, Dharma, common friends even down to FaceBook stalking will eventually, inexorably, put him in his place: Of no account in your reality.
Good for you for not replying!
InkyMay 21, 2014 at 4:24 am in reply to: I feel lost and I'm not sure what to do, or what is normal. #56760
With your boyfriend, tbh, you might not be in the mood even if the abuse never happened! We women are a creature of moods, hormones, flow. This is why you love the Water Element so much. It’s who we are. It’s Us.
Anything that happened when we were children is never, ever, never our fault. But I hate the word “victim” only because of all the connotations associated with it. Children are divine expressions of Nature Herself. Things happen to us. We are placed in certain environments. We are pre-verbal. Any other small child would have experienced the same things growing up.
And, you are a survivor! My God, believe it! You are still here, aren’t you? Even to talk about it, write about it?
You are also not alone. Not by a long shot. The statistics on assaults and abuse of girls and women are shocking. Even here in developed countries. Even especially here in the US. When people hear or read your story, a third to a half is thinking, “Me too.”
A self or street defense class might be of interest to you. Now that you are an adult, this will help bring some of that confidence back.
All the blessings and love in the world,
Brooke, if your boyfriend is as loving towards his family as that, then hopefully the apple doesn’t fall far from the common tree. That the brother will pay rent consistently and timely. But the reality is, that is not happening.
Just make sure that you are not committing financial suicide simply because your boyfriend is afraid to say “No” and the brother doesn’t mind taking advantage. If the Real World in your place is easier than the Real World Out There, then why wouldn’t he take advantage? I’m not saying the brother thinks that way, but look at his actions.
It sounds like staying at the mom’s is an option, and you wrote that now he has a job, correct? ~ so you’re not being selfish.
Once you take care of your basic needs (even if it’s alone), then you can more easily help others.
- This reply was modified 6 years, 5 months ago by Inky.
You’re not going to like my advice, but, you will be so much happier not living with your boyfriend. I’m not old, but I’m old-fashioned. A group of girls sharing rent don’t get this as much as “Dude, we’re faaammmiiilllyyy!!!”
That said, having to kick the renter/house guest out happens to the best of us. My solid, middle-aged, best friend and husband took a YEAR to jettison their sad panda renter turned house guest.
My own parents moved on purpose to an impossibly small house after twenty years of my step-brother getting back on his feet.
My friend is still stewing in anger when I told her “No” a few years ago. She would still be here rent free!
And my God, your renter came back!! Bad omen!
I would move. Or, play the Bad Blame it on the Girlfriend Card, because, at the end of the day, you’re NOT family, which is the only other “Out” I can see out of this situation.
Disclaimer: The Above Advice is for Entertainment Purposes Only 😉
Hmm, that’s a tough one as you are wanting him to go against his nature. What me, myself and I would do is go Random.
(It looks like I’m @Jasmine-3’s comedy relief, so here goes ;))…..
1. Take a playing card deck. Shuffle. Draw. Most important rule ~ Don’t tell him you are playing!!!
2. Spades are Disappear/Radio Silence Days. Number cards are days. i.e. Jacks are 11, Aces 1
3. Hearts are Love Days. 2s are mere hand holding, Aces are XXX, fill in the blanks in-between 😉
4. Clubs are Bonding Days. Do bonding type activities. 2s are a mere two word text up to Kings Deep Talks
5. Diamonds are Out and About Days. 2 coffee shops, up to Kings ~ Diamond shopping!
Between the hot and cold, the disappearing acts, wild intensity, whatevery feelings, the guy will, *SHOULD* go nuts!! He will flee in confusion or terror. OR he will track you down when you’ve been gone for ten days and ravish you!!
Variety is the spice of life to stoke his fire!
There’s a Podcast called Things Your Mother Never Told You. I think it’s great. One show I was entranced with was on “Crazy” Women. A lot of women have been through this:
“Why did you break up?”
“Oh, she was Crazy.”
“Crazy” dismisses women. You might have real concerns, but God forbid you show any emotion, or you are written off as “Crazy”.
Good for you for deleting your FB. You will have more peace in your life.
At the office/around town act normal. And when asked say, “I’m not crazy. He MADE me crazy!” and laugh it off. Apologize as needed.
I am sorry he is “friend poaching”.
Just my personal opinion (take it or leave it), but in ten/fifteen years that Having Children decision will be made for you by Mother Nature ~ I say Have Kids. Because once you have a child, you will never regret having your son or daughter. But if you don’t have him/her, it is possible you may regret it one day.
It would be kind of unfair for him to have more kids but definitely unfair to you not to have them. I say date other people, but that’s just me. On the other hand, if you’re a step-mother, that could be the answer.
All adults come to this cross roads of the mind at some point.
Read The Bhagavad Gita.
There is the Buddhist mind where all is acceptance, and then there is that ego thing. The thing that wants us to DO this, BE that, HAVE the other.
The Gita talks about Action. Acting in your Nature. If it is in your nature to make music, then do that. If you don’t feel like making music today, and like to meditate, do that.
There is also the idea of Dharma Yoga. You have something you want to Be, Do or Have. Fine. Release ALL attachments to the outcome, and just ACT. Don’t look at who’s a better musician, what you have to do to make it, or any of that. Just play the music.
There are articles, books and, of course, the Gita text that explains this way more eloquently.
See yourself swimming in a sea of Perfection, and have fun in this life!
If you write back to him at all, I would say, “Everything’s great! So many new things going on, one day I’ll tell you all about it! Blessings! :)”
But that is purely, utterly, optional.
There was a line in an old movie: “I don’t want to hear from you. I want to hear about you.” Of course, he wants the opposite! He will find out for himself that you are doing just fine as you are, and just fine without him. Your silence is its own answer, after all.
Some people get angry when we bust out of the small box they have made for us.
Deep deep down he knows you are all that. It’s like in a martial arts class there’s always someone who has taken a class ten years ago and assumes their partner is new. So they try to “help” them. The partner politely listens, and goes along with it. But at the end of the class, everyone knows where everyone really “is”.
I don’t know you, but I can tell you are doing great!!
LOL, Matt, I could dance all night, you are so tempting me!!
In all seriousness though, THANK YOU ~ I loved the line, “…here’s a kiss, daddy. Are you ready to see my beauty? See my tender love that waits like a flood behind these walls that you put up? No? OK, my dear alone daddy, maybe next time”… That really helped my perspective a lot!!
Matt, are you sure you’re not resonating with me as a fellow “garlic eater”? 🙂
Let it go.
Matt ~ You must be at least a little bit psychic. I was wondering this very day about how you would have responded to this post! You are right ~ growing up, you (meaning me) never, ever approached people directly about issues or grievances. You would get at worst physically beaten for it or iced out at the very least. I had to be a bit of a master at word play, subtlety, and sensing unspoken energies just to survive.
Yes, I admit I mentally rolled my eyes at a few of your posts. But, everyone is at a different place. And, for solutions to problems, you never know what little, outside the box thing OR prayer/meditation will solve it!
The Ruminant ~ My father was psychically castrated. I have heard that term referred to him in my past. You are dead on about what it’s like to be the son of the rich and/or famous.
Matt and Ruminant ~ This is why I believe in past lives and why Archetypes are Real: There has to be something in me (general Me) that resonates with what a Parent Should Be. That, if I never knew it, why in the world would I miss it?? If that makes sense. On the flip side of that thought, if I had It to miss It, then It is already (at least in part) already inside of me. So I CAN appreciate every other aspect of my life!
With my dad, most days, weeks or even months I’m OK with it, that this is the way it is. That, in the Present Moment, everything really is cosmically Perfect. However, Triggers. LOL
Thank you both for your support and care!!