Forum Replies Created
Does your husband exist at all?? These guys in your office are low key constant disrespectful. I would honestly change jobs. Buildings, that is.
It’s a primal thing. I saw my college boyfriend act (or non-act) in a similar way. After him sometimes I felt like the man in the relationship when I went out. I am actually very feminine. For a Viking, as it turns out. So guess what, I married a Viking. 6’4″ Scandinavian descent, but I digress.
Your guy is very traditional because perhaps he’s not strong enough to entertain the thought of an assertive independent woman.
If you do break up with him, blame it on something else. The truth could cripple him.
In my mind he has BPD, which is a mental illness. Therefore when he says something hurtful and/or something that doesn’t make sense, that is an expression of his mental illness. If he snarled that you were a pink giraffe, would you believe him? NO! Why? Because you are not a pink giraffe. Did you DO or SAY anything that warranted him calling you a pink giraffe? No! Of course not!
And by the way, what if someone is hurtful and doesn’t have a mental illness, or if the BPD is not to blame? Then that is called a jerk, Lily. You were dating a jerk. Who needs him?
Alice has some really good advice. I would write down what she suggested in list form and do that!
My first instinct would be to move, but that depends on your personality. Often there is a distinct pleasure in outlasting the bad neighbor, co-worker, or situation. In the meantime, scroll around on Realtor dot com. There might be absolutely lovely (better!) places for you to move to.
Duolingo, the free language learning app, believe it or not, is a great for a quick pick me up! They even started a forum discussion topic about that unintended phenomenon!
It sounds like he dumped you before you could dump him, honestly. I was reading the whole thing thinking, “Red flag, red flag, red flag”, then “Dump him, dump him, dump him”. Then when I read he dumped you I was honestly disappointed because I had a whole answer thought out for how you should dump him LOL!
Girl, there is a reason why he is divorced! You couldn’t live like that. When you finally date someone nice and normal you will be SHOCKED, and angry at yourself, for letting him treat you that way.
InkyJune 6, 2020 at 7:25 am in reply to: Should I Stay for the kids and accept what it is and was #357736
In the old days marriages were for the children, not the individuals. If you can hold off until the last one is in college, do that at least. It’s all fun and games now… the children are cute and compliant. But trust me (mom of three here) as they get older you will NEED your husband to tag team regarding the kids. One will be gifted and another talented and have to go to academic and sporting events out of state. One will be flirting with substances and bad scenes at the high school. One will be special needs. One will be devastatingly sensitive. Several scenarios in three different kids (yes, one will have TWO gifts/issues). Trust me, trust me, trust me!
Also, at thirty something (I REMEMBER!!) your hormones are still like a teenager’s, you are prone to romantic fantasies, your husband is basic and boring… This is just Mother Nature, who knows nothing of right or wrong, nudging you to have a baby with a different male already, one who is ripped and exciting, so you can have add healthy babies with variety to the gene pool.
In short, stay married until the last one is in college or thirty. When your hormonal flux has ended you will see more clearly.
Well, it sounds like she’s taking out her feelings of being culturally “bad news” out on you! If all these Asian men have this attitude toward single mothers, she should try to get with someone outside her culture.
I’m hopelessly Western, so I don’t “get” this whole cultural scene. If you don’t acquire the parents’ blessing, will you be thrown out of the family company? Can you still legally get married?
The way I see it you either really want the marriage or the wedding. She KNOWS no one is going to accept her, so why not side step everyone and simply get married at town hall? (My Western upbringing is showing). Everyone will get mad and upset. Let them.
The ONLY consideration is could you support the child? Are you strong enough to strike out on your own if need be?
And reality check: This relationship has only lasted a month through video chat. If it failed so swiftly, maybe good??
Long distance relationships are a lot of work. Age differences can be a lot of work. Long term relationships are a lot of work. I’d be surprised if you were still together, honestly. It’s not you. It’s the factors.
I think what has you stuck is that you turned him down swiftly and definitively from the beginning. You were out of his league.
And then he outgrew you! Five years could be like two decades to a young guy. The pressure of the long distance old lady waiting for her call! The temptation of all these younger local girls giving him the glad eye! The looming pressure of his friends getting married and he hasn’t lived the good life!
The blocking and unblocking is his way of maintaining control. The other ex was either the one who got away or the one who never called him after they broke up. Or maybe you weren’t as close as you thought. Who knows? I know I’m being harsh, but let the hapless boy go! He had his chance.
Sometimes we feel put on the spot, or like we’re doing all the emotional labor in the friendship.
What I would do is have list of statements or stories ready for when she asks how you are.
Then let it flow from there.
OK, you are dating a B-list artist/celebrity. For every 10K followers there are 100 obsessed girls like you he got with. I hope you used protection because who knows what STDs he’s carrying around oh so casually. Seriously.
What he did is done in sales all the time. “RUG SALE! GOING OUT OF BUSINESS! IN THIS CITY FOR 2 DAYS ONLY!! WILL NOT BE BACK UNTIL SUMMER 2022!!!” Time is limited, future uncertain, why won’t you get with me? is the idea he’s trying to convey.
His line, “How do you know if you don’t like one night stands or not until you try”??? Please!
Girl, you have got to be VERY clear about what YOU want! This B-Lister has sailed. Stop contacting him. Maybe after his fifteen minutes is up he will contact you again, but you’ll say, “You had your chance.” And mean it.
P.S. It’s amazing to me how many people are ghosting. Ironically during a pandemic.May 16, 2020 at 7:47 am in reply to: Is my friend being controlled or (emotionally) abused? #355340
It’s like they are an older married couple: no sex, separate domiciles, shared keys, calling for favors. Are they even separated at all?
Listen: He’s not a stalker. He pays half the rent. Of course he has keys to the place! If I gave money to a household, I would expect nothing less.
Also: It’s very easy for her to get it through his head that it’s really over (this time). The next time he opens the door to deposit flowers he should walk in on a VERY shocked other guy already in her apartment who informs him that he’s NEVER HEARD OF HIM. At least have size 16 men’s boots with fresh mud on them at the doorstep. Jeez.
Lastly: OF COURSE you are entwined in this drama and concerned for her. That’s the plan! I guarantee you that you are thinking more about this relationship than her stale boyfriend. She is in her mid-thirties. Instead of being happily married with children she is bored to tears. Looking at the past. And you looking pretty good in the rearview mirror. Drop the rope. The next time she complains write: “Sounds like a personal problem” and pretend to be sick of the monotony.
As for the guy (not to change the subject), tell him that you are 29 and your parents are basically setting you up with quality professional men looking for marriage. That this isn’t an ultimatum, but since he is unsure about marriage, you have to move on with your life. This will either give him the ultimate kick in the pants or he will gracefully (or not) bow out of your life.
InkyMay 9, 2020 at 7:28 am in reply to: Help. I'm having trouble processing my emotions alone. #354162
The first rule I give myself is to take it easy on myself when I am sick. You have a fever. Your are sick. Be all, “All self putdowns are put on hold until I am well.” Your inner critic will start yelling and screaming at this. Tough. You are sick. Physical wellness trumps dealing with pesky emotions.
I’ve noticed that everyone’s “Stuff” is coming up now because of the pandemic. Thus, the angry letter you received. Send the letter back to the person with “There is no reason to write to me that way, you can be respectful to me.” This person may spit and snarl and write you another angry letter. Just keep sending it back with the same response. Yes, even if you were horrible.
When you are better, you can surely travel to see your family.
As for the academia, blame your illness for your rude behavior, then LET IT GO. The school year is almost over (unless you are in a graduate/PHD scene). Write and little and read a little every day. “Put something in the bank” every day.
InkyMay 9, 2020 at 7:16 am in reply to: I fell out of love, but I love him…And want to stay with him… #354160
What is with this all or nothing thinking? Why do you feel the need to know who you will marry at the age of twenty-one?
I think that once you make the decision to enjoy yourself and not even think of marriage until well into your mid-twenties the pressure and anxiety will be lifted off.
Boyfriends are to have fun with!
InkyMay 9, 2020 at 7:09 am in reply to: Confused and seeking guidance on an unconventional relationship #354158
If he emails you once a week, you take two weeks to respond. If he writes ten sentences, you write five. He will either yearn for you or this whole thing will gracefully end. NEVER be the one asking for more. Let him think other men are indeed contacting you because of your brilliance and beauty. Would a brilliant beauty be chasing after some schlub who only writes once a week? (The Mensa answer would be “No”). The person who responds less and has less to say has more power in the relationship.