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May 17, 2014 at 5:28 am in reply to: how to keep up relationships even though they are hypocritic #56439
Could you give them something to talk about beside gossiping? Could you go to the aunts/uncles and ask for advice? Or ask the cousins what they are up to. Or do a project, card game together. They are probably so used to this one way of being/communicating they aren’t used to other ways.
I think a lot of marriages has something like this cross its path. It’s not *un*natural, but who needs that energy around? Especially with little kids and working, etc.
1. May I recommend the book Kosher Adultery. It’s already ten years old, but it still rings true. Coupled with Kosher Lust. They tell all about this phenomenon and also remedies. They go into passion, jealousy, spouses, reasons, the way men and women think, and basically how to have a love affair with your spouse!
2. Here’s a story which contains many ways you could look at it:
My DH hates to hold hands. Hates it. Hates PDA. Hates it all. However! One fourth of July we’re at a party. An old friend of mine from High School was there. We were never together, but back in the day people would try to set us up. This one really would be like dating a brother (ew). DH meanwhile is all threatened! He starts, wait for it ~ holding my hand!! He says, “Let’s take a walk”. We take a mile long walk on the beach. He is still holding hands! Won’t let go!
The irony? HS friend wasn’t the one he should have been jealous of! A few years before another friend felt an intense emotional connection ~ with me! Like this girl. Emails. Confessions. “I love you”. I told DH. DH snorts and says, “Phht, he’s fat!” I’m all, “No, this is serious.” DH laughs.
Which character do you see yourself as? Are you sure about that? Can you change it?
3. Practical Advice: Have your own Mystique about you. Act happy! Look good! Sing! He will wonder what is going on with you! Entice him with your newness, your vibrancy! The girl? Don’t mention her at all. Leave the kids with him while you go out with girlfriends. Come back happy! Go on retreats of your own! Day trips! Come back inspired! Continue. You get the idea.
Your husband won’t rest until he finds out what (or who!) flipped the switch in you! Truthfully say, “No one.” Then have a long, deep talk. Say (in your own words!!!) the email confession back to him. That he is more than a husband, he is your Brother, your Twin Soul. That yours is the deepest connection ever.
- This reply was modified 6 years, 5 months ago by Inky.
Could you try a media free house? He knows how you feel. Just say, “While you’re at home, I’m the only woman you need to see.” Have him do his “emails”, “TV”, “News”, “Internet time”, “cell phone” use out of the house. When he’s looking stuff up (ANY media!) at Starbucks, commuting, etc. it’s just not the same. Then when he’s home he’ll have to connect with you at some level. What will happen is he’ll grow to like the simplicity and quiet. You’ll have calmed down too. In the beginning there will be grousing lol.
Absolutely add Chapters. It sounds like going after her now might backfire. BUT Maybe leave the ring and a note with her family members/parents so everyone knows you are serious. Apologize to the family. They are the ones who might have a talk with her, get through to her. But when you give the fam. the ring, say, “This is all I can do; I am gracefully withdrawing.” 1 in 100 chance she comes back? You will have to dump whatever girlfriend you currently have.
OK, now date other girls. Good Luck!
It’s too bad people put others in a box. The truth is, as the years go by, where you graduated from high school or college doesn’t really matter. In the meantime, can you go to University? This will get you away from them and shut them up.
Honestly, I wouldn’t see them for a while. If you do see them Love and Leave. “Oh hi how are you?” They act Weird. Whip out cell phone and leave room. Be very polite with them (you’re not playing their testing game). For every Weird conversation acquire one new Friend to counteract the Crazy Making. Be in a group when possible, never alone with the Weird Convo. people.
Get a new hairstyle, new clothes, new activities, new plans, new jobs, new interests, new car.
They will eventually feel Weird about themselves. You have a life, and their life is “testing” you?
OK, Good Luck!
You could make One Big Grand Last Gesture. Say, “I have a ring waiting for you. You ARE the love of my life! What is Eternal can never be destroyed by the mere temporary. I was young, drunk (add that maybe!!!) and stupid. If I don’t hear from you in (X) amount of days I will move on and wish you all the love, joy and success in the world. Thank you for the best years of my life. If you choose me I promise to give you 50 of the best years of yours.”
If she ignores or it’s a “No”? Then know that you have done everything you can after The Mistake. Then, five or ten years later, you can come back older, wiser, possibly richer, possibly even better looking, with tons of charisma and character, and blame it on Stupidity and Youth. Once again, she is the One that Matters, the One Soulmate.
Meanwhile, honor all the new women in your life as new Chapters. You haven’t left the Overarching Storyline of your Soul Mate, but you are allowed to have other Chapters, Scenes, and even Part 2 of the story.
Britt, the fact that he’s texting you again means that he is interested in you being interested in him. The best way to proceed is to not answer the text. Silence is communication in and of itself.
College is over, yes? Put him where he solidly belongs in your mind: as one of your many fanboys/admirers during that time in your life.
You are now a grown woman and would have outgrown him anyway. Keep repeating this to yourself until you see that it is, in fact, true. The rejection stings partly because he did it first.
There are probably many men interested in you, some you don’t even know about! Believe it. The truth is, you are the one that got away! He had his chance! In fact, you can say that to him if cornered: “You had your chance! Goodbye, Little Buddy!” with a good head noogie!
May 15, 2014 at 10:45 am in reply to: How to deal with people who think the world of themselves… #56335
- This reply was modified 6 years, 5 months ago by Inky.
This could have been a post written by me 20 years ago.
There are a few things going on:
1. People view you as “safe”, so when you (to them suddenly) speak up, set boundaries, they (suddenly) feel that they have lost you as their safe zone.
2. People can have the barnyard mentality. They never actually pick on the “dead dog”, but they will pick on you if they are lower down on the totem pole. You asserting yourself makes them think “Even she’s alpha over me! I don’t think so!” True Queen Bees or Kingpins don’t act this way. But the Wannabe’s and Toadies do!
Example: Everyone was telling me how supportive everyone is at the local Triathlons. I enter and my bike gets brake problems. So little by little I see that I am falling behind! (I am coasting on the bike now). Everyone who would place under 2 hours were great and supportive. But the people placing over 2 hours were terrified that I would beat them! It was beyond the natural competition. It was more, “OMG, I’m going to be beat by the middle-aged mom, oh no, not that!!” Whenever I would pass this one girl I’d hear her swear! She would pass me. I would pass her. Swearing! etc.!
I think what you’re experiencing is a “dominance” thing.
3. It’s easier to say “No’ once. Believe me.
4. They don’t speak to you again? Great! That means that they are actually afraid of you now! They know the jig is up! That you see right through them!
5. Now you are free to find better, quality friends. The more strong, respectful people you interact with, them more these other types will fade away.
Sometimes what has helped me in math is to get a new, different workbook from the bookstore which teaches the same math. Oftentimes you are looking at it in a different way, or the math book’s author teaches it in a different way. Also, new book = fresh start. Old textbook = failure in your subconscious.
Then actually do all the practice problems you can. Do 100. With no thought of grades.
And one day, believe it or not, you’ll never have to take another math course again!! You will end up in the future where you end up, and will probably be successful wherever you find yourself.
Being bad in math is so common, it’s a cliché. Every other random person on the street will remember being bad in math!!
I know my approach seems manipulative, but it really isn’t. That’s how we teach children politeness. “You should do this/People do that/Don’t forget to..”
Just tell him and lead him to what you want. Eventually it will be innate in his nature.
It will all boil down to what YOU do to acknowledge those days. Say, “If you don’t plan something, I will.” I know you want it all to inherently come from him. I totally get that. I’ve been there, believe me!! (see #2, above).
Circling the holiday on red in on the family calendar, and merely asking, “What are we doing for Valentine’s/Mother’s Day?” will at the very least plant the seed in his mind.
Or have another guy say, “DUDE! You have to do SOMETHING!!”
You have to train these guys. There are four ways.
1. Your best girl friend and/or her husband calls him on his cell and says, “We have to do something for Sherry/the girls for Valentines Day/Mother’s Day!” Social Pressure. Win.
2. Cry. “I can’t believe you forgot Valentines/Mother’s Day AGAIN!” Then go into a depression for three days.
3. The day before plan to visit your mother, his mother, the ex, any mother. Go to a Sunday church service (their Mother’s Day service, usually a full house). Say, “I expect coffee in bed”. When your kids run to you while in bed say, “It’s Mother’s Day”. Young as they are, they will panic and produce a card. Or, just don’t get out of bed. Be waited on, or at least don’t do anything. Do this with Valentines too.
4. The elementary schools usually do *something* in honor of these days. Have your kids ask dad, “What are we doing for Mom for Valentines/Mothers Day.
Thank You Jessica!!
Here’s the dynamic too ~ Dad didn’t make the money. My Wikipedia mentioned grandfather did. So he made sure I was taken care of in a legal-eze sense. I think, if I were my father’s shrink, that Dad wants to play the hero and so “saves” all the non-related people who go into his orbit for a feeling of importance. Wiki grandpa treated me more of a daughter than he did, in a practical sense.
Anger ~ you are spot on. The few times I’ve expressed anger (not just in this issue) *I* get the fallout. *I* get the looks. *I’m* the one with the problem.
If I were single/alone I would for sure do an experimental disappearing act to see how long it takes him to contact me. What happens is around the holidays (even after 3-4 months of no contact) we get invited in an obtuse way (my teenagers get a text/call the day b/f the holiday, or I get a call from another relative at the last minute.)
Nurturance ~ sometimes when I take care of myself/nurture myself, etc. I get an overwhelming feeling of sadness, for what should have been, for what should be. I am angry at him, embarrassed by him, disappointed.
I’ve had “The Talk” with him, but he won’t change, nothing changes.
I’m looking at the questions you wrote, thinking about each one..
Oh my goodness, she has what most women secretly want but would never, ever admit: A Harem! I mean, what woman *wouldn’t* want two men pining over her?? For her, this is great!
I say, yes, love her, (as in feeling, not actively) AND ~ let her chase you. Don’t initiate any texts/calls/visits. And when she does call/text/see you, if she brings up the other guy’s name, end the date, text, or convo. abruptly. Then radio silence. Be “That Guy” ~ not too much of a jerk that she’ll never speak to you again, but enough of one that she’ll wonder what she did/said wrong. Go out with other girls so you, she, and your own subconscious doesn’t think she’s the only one out there..
The worse case scenario is she “chooses” the boyfriend. Good. Let her. But if you dump her first, YOU will be the one that got away. Ponder that, if you will.
When she’s alone and single you can revisit the whole situation. When she calls you. Protect your heart.
Here’s what I did (without knowing it): We never lived together, and I wouldn’t even leave my toothbrush behind at his place. Of course, he (even if only subconsciously) thought *I could leave anytime!*
Then I said, “Don’t ask me any important questions this holiday.” The presupposition being he wants to propose. That gave him a bit of a mind-bend as he was a 39 yr old bachelor (never married).
He proposed six months later.
That doesn’t work? Be brutally honest. I mean, brutal. Say, “I want a family. Unfortunately, it has to be while I’m still young enough to have children.” If he argues, say, “I’m not going to let Some Guy rob me of my future children. Thought you weren’t just Some Guy. Sorry. Btw, I’m dating other people now. (Sorry!) Call me when you come to your senses.”
Then actually go out with other people. You probably won’t have to for long. 😉