Forum Replies Created
May 9, 2020 at 7:01 am in reply to: Confused and seeking guidance on an unconventional relationship #354154
My first thought: Is there any way to reconnect to the man you met on that infamous trip??
Second Thought: You know most people AREN’T gifted. Right?? Here is a very simple explanation why the current love does not email often: It is a pandemic. Very few people I know is at their A game right now. Even though we are all stuck at home, we are going through a collective trauma. He is probably stuck at home with his asexual partner (wife?). She is all (if it was me), “What are you doing (again) on your computer/phone, honey?” And if she is anything like most women she KNOWS there is/was someone in the wings. Just waiting. Hoping. Yearning. Jeez, I’d have sex with him too even if I was asexual and I felt another presence lurking in the background.
Lastly: He is not as on the fence as you might think. He may very well have an active sex life (now). His “asexual” could be her “twice a month”. He could be a One and Done cad.
- This reply was modified 5 months, 2 weeks ago by Inky.
I don’t know if you’ll come back to this, but a new voice here.
This pandemic is showing people who they really are. Now you know this guy does not do well in a crisis. Do you really want a hot house flower or do you want someone flexible, and resilient, with a good sense of humor? Sure, he could be depressed, but that is often an excuse. He could get help, or get off the pot. He chose to get off the pot and end it. OK, well, now he has this black dog depression to deal with without your help. None too bright, either.
You are only twenty-one. I know you feel eons old. But listen, they don’t let you die young anymore. These years are the time for you to study, travel, have fun and do whatever the heck you want to! When you’re ready, say at the ripe old age of twenty-four, take a note from the movie and go on 100 Dates! There should be one in the mix that would be exquisitely perfect for you, even in a pandemic.
- This reply was modified 5 months, 3 weeks ago by Inky.
His marriage is not perfect. It just isn’t. First of all, WHEN, not if, WHEN something goes wrong (it will! it has!) guess what? He cannot simply ghost his wife! Sorry not sorry! That would be called karma.
Second of all, guys don’t “do” social media. They just don’t. Not the guy’s guys. Well, now that you know he’s in touch with his social media feminine side, of course you know what those love and happiness Instagram-esque worthy posts are about, right? He’s trying to convince other people (and himself!) and YOU that he didn’t make a mistake by marrying someone immediately after his perfectly good past relationship.
Thirdly, he was mean to you because you forced him to answer up to what he did. Instead of letting him take the easy coward’s way out and ghost into the sunset you were all, “Sorry for any past transgressions, but where’ve you been, little buddy?” You went off HIS script. He never wrote the part in the script where you track him down.
Fourth of all, Instanta Marriages don’t end well. He married an instant cup of cocoa and he’s trying (too hard) to convince everyone that this is THE BEST.
Lastly, when, not if, when you find the person WORTHY of you (you know, the type who would never ghost people) you may get a phone call one day from your ex. He will be genuinely surprised that you are happily married, have three kids and a dog. He will have called to see how you “are” but will end up stammering an apology. Trust me on this one, it happened to me.
I would go with radical honesty. Tell B, “I love you as one of my dearest friends, but this isn’t working. I have crippling depression and anxiety. Also, this long distance thing is for the birds.”
Tell A, “You had your chance.” And mean it.
Tell your mother, “Look, I have crippling anxiety and depression. You are making it worse. I would love to get married. But it wasn’t going to be with A, and it’s not even going to be with B. But once this pandemic is over, and I can see a doctor for my crippling anxiety and depression, I will start dating seriously. You’ll have to wait at least a month/season/year from what they are saying on the news.”
This will buy you some time, and at least stop your mother’s histrionics.
A good response is, “Sorry you feel that way!”
If this is an ongoing conflict/issue, and ironically it is all about him, write, “There’s no reason to write that to me, you can write to me respectfully. Try again.”
Or, write (again), “Are you OK?” if he is unhinged. Or the classic, “Have you been drinking?”
When a guy makes a sudden change like this in attitude, personality, preference, etc. I’m sorry, but porn might be in the mix. Or something strange that is not you.
My advice is to move back in with your own family. Even though you are a perfect guest, it is a burden. I’m sure his parents want their house back. Also, he is acting like a bit of a jerk.
Get on with your beautiful, hairy self back to your family (sleep in a tent in the yard if you have to for a few days) and let him try to flirt with the MILF.
We have a saying in our house: “Put something in the bank every day.” Read a little, write a little, study a little. Do one thing in each subject every day. The good news it’s Senior Year during a pandemic. I don’t know how strict they are about deadlines, but heads up! They’re not going to fail you!! Write your final paper on a napkin in crayon, take a pic of it with your phone and send it in.
College Decisions? In a different topic, tell everyone hear where you got in and let the group vote on it!! I will definitely tell you where to go and why!!!
Everyone else is missing prom, graduation, games, plays, etc. You know what will happen, right? They will have Make Up Proms in cities and tons of parties. It’s not the same, but if you could Make Up For It… Trips, cruise, Disney Land, Broadway shows, catered Events, etc. it will feel a little better.
- This reply was modified 6 months ago by Inky.
Life is change. While you’re waiting to leave your hometown, guess what? Your friends will also leave. Some well before you. One will go to grad school this year. One will move to Europe next year. One will get married and move the next town over. One will get a great job but you will never see them. The last friend will have a baby who will monopolize their time.
But wait! There’s more! Your pets will die, your parents will divorce/move/remarry. Even your little siblings/cousins will get into college and study far away. Your favorite bars/clubs/restaurants will go out of business. Grandparents will die.
Everyone is already on their Hero’s Journey. They are not static characters in the background of your life.
- This reply was modified 6 months ago by Inky.
The best thing to do is to quit your job and lose his number. You don’t want a man who couldn’t stand up to his family or break off an engagement before it started. At the very least don’t have sex with him. Date other people. It’s time to take care of you. With billions of other people on the planet, you don’t have to be his only support system.
My gut feeling on this is you dodged a bullet. Let the fun loving coworker live with him, deal with his drinking, depression, suicidal thoughts and his anger, all the while he blames his therapist for any of his problematic decisions! Then after one juicy fight when she realizes he’s not fun anymore, he will high tail it back to his parents leaving her to deal with all the rent and bills. During a pandemic.
You need someone independent and happy.
The length of your actual relationship was a little more than the length of a summer romance. And those historically never work out. Right??? Even when the restrictions lift, it could be months or even a year later. You will be different people! I say give yourself a break and don’t do a Zoom relationship. Do him a favor and Zump him.
I would join the military. Even at your age. They will take care of you to some degree. They do “raise you” again. I saw a tremendous transformation in my son. He is still the same guy, but he carries himself with a confidence that is through the roof.
Then I would have the military help pay for the rest of your education. Get a degree, even if it’s online.
Then I would open my own business. Something small but life affirming. Dog grooming. Baking. Social media consultant.
I would also volunteer in my community, go to a place of worship and even run for a public office. Military rank? Degree? Local business? Public servant? You will rake in those connections. And you will meet quality romantic partners. Soon you will have the stable two income family you crave.
InkyApril 11, 2020 at 12:02 pm in reply to: How to offer a compassionate ear to my mother while setting healthy boundaries? #348846
A line I’ve used is “I’m not a good ally for you about this”.
Yes, there will be shock. Yes, there will be push back. Yes, she might make you pay for this in some way.
Since she is a narcissist, it’s best to make everything about HER/”HER”.
“Mom, I’m only twenty years old, I have nothing to offer you. You really need girl talk from someone who gets it.”
“Mom, this isn’t good for you to vent about dad. Let’s go for a drive to that place you always like.”
“Mom, let’s stop talking about him. Let’s talk about you.”
I agree with anita that you might be depressed. However, it is probably temporary. Everyone is in what I call Pandemic Land. You can’t go anywhere. Not really. The vibe is off, even for those “Covidiots” who dare to go out and socialize. People usually live for the weekends. We’ve had the equivalent of four? five? months of weekends. Yes, even if you work from home. Yes, even if you’re a student. It’s tiring.
You not feeling it for your girlfriend might be an unconscious ploy to get some excitement back in your life. Nothing is as dramatic as a good breakup!
Again, you have been with her for a while now.
Not to be trite, but I would order things online that are new to you. And get into walking or jogging. There’s plenty of 5K plans online. Good Luck!
First of all, you weren’t that close if you didn’t even know she had a boyfriend. It’s possible (POSSIBLE, JUST) that she didn’t tell you because she liked your attention and didn’t want to hurt your feelings if she picked up that you liked her.
It’s hard to have a crush on a Regular Person. Subconsciously you think they will be an easy conquest because we are so awesome, and that they should be thrilled. Then when they say no Because Reasons, we take it harder than if a model turns us down. After all, she kind of grew on you, she’s definitely not The Crush from previous years!
I would definitely text her “How are you during this pandemic?” and become the caring guy, especially if she says something shocking like, “My mom has it.”
And P.S. John? Girls don’t like sarcasm directed towards them. They really don’t like to be teased or irritated either.
Stay Healthy, Stay Safe,