Hi coffeeandtea,

I second the Boundaries book by Townsend. There are also spin off companion books of it from the same author.

There’s also a book Dealing Successfully with Screwed Up People that had strategies.

Go on Amazon and check them out! Amazon will also show: “Other Books Like This You May Like” in case there are other books like it! (There will be!!)

Good Luck!

Inky

Hi Charlie,

For Him:

Tell him that This is what Holidays are for. God created Easter, Thanksgiving and Christmas for us to put up with dysfunctional family members “because they’re family”. When she writes him a sappy letter he should reply, “Great to hear from you! See you at Thanksgiving!” When he sees her in person, unless it’s to carve a turkey, he should say, “Great to see you! Got to go!” If he doesn’t see her on holidays? He can visit her three times a year ~ anyone’s limit for extended family. This is how he can practice boundaries.

For You:

Don’t feed the dysfunction. Tell him what you told us, or even show him this post. Only do this once. Then tell him that it disturbs you so much you don’t even want to hear her or talk about her. By withdrawing your support, when he is with you, he will only live in normal reality. He will see for himself which reality he prefers.

Blessings,

Inky

Hi again ajack379!

I think I was born with it, TBH. I have no problems, however, going out, being in relation with other people, and being social. Even if I have an hour to myself, by myself, that’s all I need.

When I was single I loved having my own apartment. Having my DH (then BF) live with me would have killed the romance I think.

When we got married we moved into a house. I could be upstairs reading but still hang out with him downstairs later, for instance. You need to have a balance of separation and togetherness.

Hi greenshade,

I used to have “If only I didn’t have this/the job/classes, think of all the things I could do” thoughts. But one day I didn’t have that job/those classes and guess what? My projects still took the same amount of days to accomplish them. What’s that saying, The task expands to fit into the time we have? LOL!

I would make it into a game and enjoy this great balancing act we call Life! In the parking lot arriving and leaving or on the train/bus you can do a page of your written work. When you get coffee/lunch or go in the bathroom (only do this a few times LOL) read a page of what you need to. When the boss is gone or during a lull call or text concerning your project.

Best,

Inky

• This reply was modified 8 years, 6 months ago by Inky.
• This reply was modified 8 years, 6 months ago by Inky.

Hi eliza,

I feel bad for you and my daughter who’s around your age: Quality men are hard to find! They are either still boys, or they have totally bought into our superficial hook-up culture.

May I suggest giving older men a shot? At a certain point, even the men get sick of it, but by the time they reach where you are now, they are a little older.

All I can say is good luck, it actually sounds like you’re doing great!

Blessings,

Inky

Hi Cheryl,

Unless you’re married, I think it’s always a bad idea to intertwine finances or make money an issue. (Disclaimer: I haven’t read your last post, just going on what you’ve written above).

So yeah, it would stink to have someone publically put their bike over, well, YOU.

But if money were off the table in the relationship, you don’t leave yourself open to this type of energy.

I say write him off.

Hiding him from social media would be a great first step.

Another step would be to go on trips of your own. Or do something you never did while you were with him that is new and different.

Instagram away! 🙂

Blessings,

Inky

• This reply was modified 8 years, 6 months ago by Inky.

Hi kangli,

Don’t feel bad for divorcing your husband. Relationships that start in college are like training wheels in preparation for the one you’re supposed to be with later. I mean I loved/”loved” my college BF. But I totally get what you’re saying. The passion wasn’t there.

A child came out of it, so that was its blessing. Don’t let him say, “Bad things happen to bad people”. He just said that because he is hurting over the affair. The next time he says that say, “Yes, and good things happen to good people. We’re all a little bit good and bad, aren’t we? I should never have cheated on you and I hope you’ll forgive me someday.”

Onto your love interest. Now listen, decades will parade by and one day you will recognize suddenly that this guy was a jerk all along. He gets to play the power card and say out of the blue “I no longer have any feelings for you, you’re getting too clingy and it is getting too much for me”?? But he DID have feelings for you (even if just carnal). What he REALLY meant to say is “I can’t handle a needy side piece AND my kids AND my wife potentially finding out!”

I bet the wife knows or at least suspects.

And let’s get real: If you REALLY loved him, you would want him to be the best father he can be. You are just a distraction (of time, energy and/or $$$ that should really go to the wife and children). Why should he drop everything (work, dinner with his family, date night, helping kids with their homework etc.) and text/call/see you just because you had a fight with your ex husband??

Sorry so tough, but YOU need to continue putting all your energy into YOUR child. Forget love, romance and dating.

Time will help you get over that creep.

Blessings,

Inky

• This reply was modified 8 years, 6 months ago by Inky.