Hi greenshade,

Enjoy your crush! 🙂 It is just that ~ a harmless crush. Don’t worry about it. And don’t mislabel it! “I have feelings…connection…attachment…” (way too heavy!)

The reasons you’re crushing? Possibly:

1. He’s in the same soul group and you recognized him
2. He is “safe” to have a crush on as he is unavailable. You get to have all the “feels” without having to do anything about it
3. You share a work space. Spending all day everyday with someone is bound to stir latent feelings eventually

But none of this really matters, the “why”.

Best,

Inky

• This reply was modified 8 years, 9 months ago by Inky.

Hi Janine,

With this guy there is a maturity issue. He’s not a bad person, it’s just he literally doesn’t know he’s doing these horrible things! The pot smoking and the friends that go with it just compounds it and makes everything worse.

1. Ditching you
2. Not respecting your time… or time itself
3. Putting you or a future partner in danger by having had unprotected sex

I would tell him you’re taking a break. Then YOU go literally away from it all. A road trip where you’re away from him and everyone. Where you are alone for once with your own thoughts.

Good Luck!

Blessings,

Inky

Hi jorgeplath,

Everyone has to make a living. Having a career would be a common problem for musical theatre types. Unless it’s a traveling gig, rehearsals would most likely be in the evenings and weekends.

I just told my DS (gently) that as we grow up, sacrifices sometimes have to be made. He was unable to practice as much in his sport this year, and now he may not be on the podium. Next year he will physically be unable to practice as he will be in a program far away from where he can… Same thing with hobbies, even hobbies that *some* people have made a career at.

But there is often a creative way around it.

Education you would have more time off for the summer. Dentistry you might have to work weekends. Marketing I would imagine is nine to five.

If nothing fits your schedule, can YOU get a group together and get a venue?

Best,

Inky

Hi Priscilla,

I think he may have gotten in deep water in his past when he was more like you are now. And he learned (sadly) that getting too invested is never worth it in this corporate setting. That you always have to protect yourself. Even from you. It’s like having a computer password. You may not need it, but the people who would go on your computer are statistically people you know.

Maybe he got further triggered when you wouldn’t let it go. Maybe that’s how he got burned once before (I’m assuming).

And if you’re still hurt, consider: Maybe you’re not that close.

I agree. Don’t take it personally.

Best,

Inky

Hi fmck32,

The very first thought that popped into my mind is this:

He criticized you constantly because it had grown into a bad habit. Instead of shutting him down at once in the very beginning of your relationship/marriage, you let him occasionally get away with it. Then it became his unthinking, unconscious default setting. Only now that you gave him a very real wake up call is he finally behaving.

Now, he may still think all these horrible thoughts. But by not voicing them, he is not giving the thoughts more reality than they deserve. Eventually, when he thinks a bad thought about you, he will think it’s just “him”. He should grow in more respect for you. Of course, he can grouse about you to other people, but not about trivial things, because he knows that he would sound ridiculous.

If he ever dares criticize you that way again, show you teeth, and carry through on your threat. Barring that, give him three times the grief he gives you. He will think twice about opening his mouth. At the very fist hint of him going back to his old ways, give a sharp, forceful, “You’re doing it again!”/”I don’t want to hear it!”

Digging deeper, you know that it is you who are resonating with all these abusive types of men. Give yourself a lot of respect. They can either change or leave, and/or higher quality men will come into your life.

Blessings,

Inky

Hi bailey26,

Eight years is nothing to sneeze at, so I would cut him some slack.

You can either quit him cold turkey (lose his number, etc.) or you can keep him in the far periphery of your life. Perhaps wait for him to contact you. If, after contacting him for a third time he in the future doesn’t contact you (to see how YOU are doing, not as a response to your text), drop the rope.

I saw an ad for a dating app whose very title says it all. “Plenty of Fish”.

Good Luck out there!

Inky

Hi Anyone,

The fact that you’re asking us on Tiny Buddha what we think shows that there are, indeed, too many red flags.

He just got divorced
Doesn’t want anymore kids
Was accused of cheating
Wife disrespected in-laws (he wants you to be passive, even if abused??)
The Typo

I say move on to someone:

Single
Wants Kids
All information checks out
Gives you a good feeling in your gut

Blessings,

Inky

Hi confusedone,

Aside from the deal breaker of cheating, here’s the thing: The age difference.

Now, I can talk because there is a vast age difference between me and my DH.

The difference is I met him later and he’s the one older. If I were a boy and younger when I met him it wouldn’t have happened or it would have been a disaster.

You were way out of league when you met him (if I am reading the above correctly and am doing my math right). He was a college aged kid and you were of an age when most people have a house, job, kid, life. Now he is older, but you are still out of his league. He’s a young man who SHOULD go out, party, live the good life. Maybe he cheated on you because he subconsciously resents giving up his youth?

You need to be in a real relationship. Let him grow up.

Blessings,

Inky