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Hi helen123,
I know what it is to love someone over a decade later. The heart knows no time, true love is always in the Now.
First of all, it was very wrong of his family to get that involved with the wedding. It was also wrong of him to be so influenced by them. But then, you both were young. As a mom, I don’t care if my kids get married in the town hall, frankly. The wedding’s just a ceremony and the reception’s just a dinner. Simple, lavish, what matters is the rest of your life after!
Is it possible ~ just possible ~ to see where he is and what he’s doing now? Meet for coffee? It will probably not go anywhere, but I’m sure thirty year old him is better than twenty year old him in terms of maturity. At the very least the spell will be broken if you meet him again and he’s not all that.
Then do a Ritual (you can make it up) releasing him once and for all. Once your heart and spirit let him go, I bet someone will immediately manifest. Nature abhors a vacuum.
Good Luck,
Inky
Hi Jen12,
I have a similar situation to yours. What is going on is that Good Things are going to the Undeserving.
But from an outsider looking into YOUR situation, there are other factors:
1. The family will naturally give more time, love and resources to the (only?) grandchild
2. You may THINK they are doing OK with money, but maybe they’re not doing as well as you might imagine. For instance, on the outside my sister is doing swimmingly, yet guess who she hit up for $$ for her son’s “Russian Dance Lessons”? ME!! LOL. Believe me, she would NOT have hit me up for cash unless she had to. That is how much we love our kids!!
3. On paper the Socially Awkward one IS part of the family, and so she will be given more time, consideration and resources, especially if the parents are older. Once you get married you might be more part of the fold, who knows?
4. We only help who we think NEED help. Maybe they think more of you than they do of them in reality?
Best,
Inky
Hi Kaushaba,
I like Anita’s advice.
There are a few other little things to do to mitigate this.
1. In the dining hall boldly sit where they all are and say, “Of course I had a crush on X. Why should I be different than anybody else? Who at this table doesn’t love you, X?” Say with a wink and a smile. Meet each person’s eyes, glance at X and inconspicuously shake your head and roll your eyes.
2. Change the subject to what everyone will be doing after graduation.
3. Come up with a new story or rumor. Your grandmother’s illness. You’re stressed about student loan debt. Your HS boyfriend want to move in with you after graduation and you don’t know what to do. So if someone is still hung up on your confession they will look like an idiot because you are handling a true Crisis right now.
4. Pull each person in the friend group aside individually and privately and say that after your confession there are a lot of untrue stories and versions of how it happened going around. Tell them the boring true short version. “After four beers I told X I had had a crush on him. That’s about it.”
5. OWN the dining hall! Sit where they are. If you get weird looks say, “You’re still talking about that? Wow, that’s old news. That crush was archaic. Think Freshman Year. What have you been telling them, X?”
Good Luck,
Inky
Hi dogbat,
I know I’m late to the party here, but a few suggestions:
1. When your MIL says something racist or unkind, tell her “You are actually turning me AWAY from Christianity when you do/say that”. She will double check herself!!
2. If she goes on and on (and on) about “Praaaiiissse JAY-zuz!” again say, “You are actually turning me OFF from Christianity when you do that”. If she is Evangelical she will STOP and PAUSE and THINK. Tell her Less is More with you. You are more likely to accept Jesus/God the quieter people are about Them. LOL
3. If she says “God” and/or “Jesus” more than once in her visit with you say gently, “I can only handle God/Jesus in small doses”
4. Alternately, you can Ignore. Let her talk herself out. The awkward silence after her religious/racist diatribe will speak volumes. Don’t feed the beast! Don’t give that kind of talk any attention. Don’t “reward” her with positivity or negativity.
5. Or, Use the Broken Record Technique. For each racist comment say, “You’re getting the reputation of a racist in town, this is a bad habit, I would stop.” And only that.
OK, Good Luck!
Inky
Hi hopeoverdespair,
When things go wrong, it’s common in our Culture to Blame the Victim. Here, it’s: “It didn’t work out, so that means I have to work on my self esteem and underlying intimacy issues and belief systems”. Yes, there is a Golden Path to what we want. It is possible to say The Right Words in The Right Way in The Right Time to The Right Person, and have it all work out. Well, most of us aren’t psychics or con artists. LOL!
And guess what? It’s his loss too!! I bet he himself has self esteem/intimacy/belief systems going on! So you can’t win! LOL
And guess what Part Two? You’re not SUPPOSED to show intimacy or your vulnerable side to just anyone/everyone etc. It’s OK to give these things TIME.
Keep going out on dates. Keep it light. Keep it fun. One day you will click with a special person! Warts and all!
Best,
Inky
Hi Karene,
I sounds like you had a really difficult time in life.
You did NOT invite/deserve to be raped. That should NEVER have happened to you!!
You did NOT deserve to have that horrid man from your twenties treat you that way. THAT should NEVER have happened to you either!!
What I have done (and it did help!) was to write about all the experiences, and write all about how horrid these men were. Let it ALL out! Be as angry and vindictive as you want when you write! Be prophetic ~ write about how crappy their lives are now. How if they saw you now and think of you now they’d be kicking themselves for treating you so badly. Heck, even (safely) light a Voo-Doo Justice Candle! And then (safely) BURN the papers!! Use a fireplace or a grill.
Now, as for this boy/man-child at work. Listen to me, he is incapable of having a normal relationship or relating normally with other people. Don’t do any of the above with this one. Feel sorry for him. And You do you! If switching your work hours will make your emotional life easier, do it!
Looks: Fat, thin, conventionally attractive, plain Jane, we are what we are!! My DH thinks I’m gorgeous, but few other people may. Go figure! You know? Like, I’m attracted to nerds. Why? Who knows?? As women, as long as we are well groomed, are dressed neatly and have on a smattering of makeup and do our hair and nails once in a while, no one can complain! Go to the mall and sit in those mall chairs and people watch for fifteen minutes. Most people (the general public) are whatever-y looking IRL. When you go into the mall stores though, the pictures of the young thin models would have you believe otherwise.
Advice if you choose to accept it: What has helped me with me was to (in addition to burning my written troubles away) was to go outside of myself. By volunteering in the community and at a place of worship, my social anxiety decreased because I was on a mission.
Good Luck!
Inky
Hi Spiritflower,
Look at this in a different way ~ you had a friendship that lasted through several stages of your life! That is reason to congratulate yourself! Now, the bestie has become different ~ in reality you haven’t been as close for at least half the friendship. What has happened is she has taken over the role of “The Best Friend” in your Personal Mythology. For me, I have one friend who openly tells everyone I’m her best friend, but I call her “My Best Bud” because calling her my best friend sounds like a lie. All because of my Real/”real” best friend ~ from first grade ~ who I talk to on the phone ~ twice a year. That one is The Best Friend in my Personal Mythology.
Look at who your ACTIVE best friend is now. Pay attention to that one. In fact, most times it’s healthier to pay attention to those who pay attention to you. With Priority going to the ones who treat you best.
Good Luck,
Inky
Hi lostandabove,
I am sorry you’re going through this. I know your mom’s messy, but that is so great that you have somewhere to stay!! For the house go to Flylady.net. You AND she can use it. Soon the house will take care of itself, you’ll see!
Your friends getting married? Well, two people supporting each other is half the work for each person. Right? It’s easier when you’re in a team. And the more they are supported by family or have some $$, the more they can literally “afford” to be a jerk. Not to be a marriage broker, but perhaps find someone you like to date, and one day get married yourself.
The thing to do right now is earn, save, AND invest your $$. Get some cash flow going, even if you’re working in a book store, say. Or, join the military where they pay you a stipend. Pocket it all away. Don’t spend it. Then invest it and don’t spend THAT either. For one of our kids we put some $$ away in the market. And now her college is paid for. That’s how much your $$ can grow in 20 years. After that you can live off it to a degree. But don’t touch the principal!!! If you and your mom can buy a rental or rent out a room (now she HAS to keep the house clean! LOL), that is income for you too.
There is no shame in couch surfing if you do it wisely. There is a light.
Good Luck!
Inky
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