Also I have become less patient than before and forget a lot of things, and I have started detesting company as if there is nobody whom I can tell about myself. I had left his name in this letter by mistake and I was so afraid and until I edited it I felt really scared.

I re-read everything slowly and saw the advices you gave and the decisions I took then.

I think my fear is making me act out and I am unable to keep my calm.

By re-reading all those posts,  I realised two things:

• Firstly when I wanted to keep a normal pace,  my guy wanted to discuss things with parents and my sister and so that hastened things. I stand in a position in front of my parents that if this relationship falls apart,  they will see me as someone who rushes into relationships with the first person I find. I think this fear of not wanting to create a bad image in my parents’ eyes,  fighting with my guy and the fear of losing the Relationship was making me lose my Mind. I am sorry for projecting it all like this. I had agreed to taking time to know him better and then deciding for myself and I think I will do that.  And you are right,  going to war with my family will emotionally tire me out and specially at a stage when I still want to know him. I think I will keep a distance from whenever he wants to talk about future unless some reasonable amount of time has passed and I have some clarity on strong and dependable this guy is.
• The second one was there is nothing that I should do if I don’t want to do it.  I don’t want to talk to my sister about this guy or anything related to my personal life and this is something that I decided long back but then his constant remarks of I think you should talk created a pressure that I couldn’t shake off.
• I have realised something important that I think I forgot in the last few days because of all the pressure,  the emotional stress and the fights.  I am in a relationship with either my sister or this guy for MY happiness and if I am not happy in either of these,  it is wrong to go forward with it.

So,  thanks to you.  I thought at first why does Anita want me to re read everything,  is she tired of me or something but I see the genius of this simple idea.  You identified my confusion and eased it all with the help of your past words and my past words.  I had already taken a decision,  already made a plan.

The plan was doing things for me. Not seeking approval unless I actually wanted it,  not to do anything unless I really wanted to and definitely not fighting with anyone unless I really wanted to.

No matter how compatible and right a guy is,  if I go crazy in my head-that is what I shall project on him as well and then he will treat me likewise.

Unless I treat me and my thoughts with respect,  none of these people would. Thank you so much Anita.

Do let me know if I am right or not…

Sugar coating something bad is very much like lying about someone. I have been doing this for a long time since I tend to hurt people soon with my words. I am easily misunderstood and so I take time to formulate words and this is another wrong thing perhaps,  he pointed out to me that this complicates things.

The fight was nasty because we pointed out things we don’t like about each other all at once and it seemed to make him go back into his shell.  We didn’t call each other names,  I cannot do it to him even if it is the worst fight ever and he doesn’t do it either.  I told him that sometimes I feel judged when he points out something really opposite to me in other women.  What sparked the fight that day was he compared my funny remark to my sister and I flared up. I hate being compared to her and he knows this.

He said he thinks I am a weak person and that hurt me.

I told him that he should learn to lean on people sometimes and that seemed to hurt him.

Before the fight we took time to cool off due to the ongoing stress and it was me who wanted it. He said he needed no time away but he was supportive and didn’t disturb me for the next two days.  I cooled off,  he had said that in the next two days you cool off while I will make sure no emotions change from my end.  He kept saying baby take care again and again because the phone call connection was weak(he was traveling between two states).  When I ended the call that day I felt so good about having such a beautiful soul in my life.

But after the two days when I contacted him again,  he seemed to behave like a recovering patient.  He was talking to me as if I was his bro and it bothered me a little but I didn’t say anything (it was stupid to make an issue out of it) so when I returned the same tone. He was like I am not your buddy or bro…  Then he said it’s my fault since I started that tone.  You just gave me what I deserved.

But he seemed even more hurt after that.  And so I confronted him and he said he doesn’t have any energy to think or do anything now.  He doesn’t care. And he can’t spend more time fighting.  This was during our fight.  I was hurt as well and so i let it be.  We still texted each other that day but on lighter notes like a funny thing that we saw or a beautiful place we visited.

About four days went by on such terms(in between these four days he scolded me one day to stop saying sorry for not immediately responding to anyone’s text.  I said I said sorry only to not seem rude but he was angry and said that this habit of yours makes you look weak in front of others and I hate it) then I told him that let us forget the hurt and start anew. He agreed.  But he said let’s take things really slow and let the hurt dissolve on its own.

Two days after he called me while coming back home,  we talked about various things but at one point he made a comment about a friend of his whom he used to call his brother until I made him see that he just used my guy to get information about his life to use them as gossips later and calculated the amount of money he has borrowed from my guy.  Around 15k inr. So after that he talks to him normally but isn’t attached to him like before but I had never seen him use bad words for anyone.  He said i am irritated by that good for nothing person. I said that is a rude thing to say then he said why?  Because your sister does the same thing?  I became silent toh he said felt bad or something that I said something about your sister? I said why do you assume things so fast. After that phone call,  we didn’t have another. In fact our talking was minimal as well.

After yesterday’s post.  I decided to ask him few things he said he has problems going on at home.  I said do you want to talk about it.  He always used to.  He said no.  I don’t feel like talking to anyone about it. I said okay but if you do,  I am here and my lips are sealed as well.  He said ok.

Then again today all day he kept being on his own.  Then he texted me seeing a post of mine. As soon as I replied he went offline.  He only replies when I am offline.  Felt weird.  And I couldn’t contain things so I asked do you feel weird when I say sweet names to you like before or send you love or kiss emojis?  He did not respond.  I said just say yes or no.  No explanation needed.

After few seconds,  he said yes.  Then he said I feel awkward because I am unable to respond to them.  I don’t know why am I not able to but I feel guilty when I am not able to feel the same way you are but it’s cool if you want to send it when you feel like it.  Then he said, “I think I still have a lot of irritation inside and that is why I am laying low. My intensity for the relationship has gone down. I don’t know what would happen between us.  Will it ever be same as before? I don’t know. ” I said if things are not the same again,  we will move away.

To this he said,  “you need a decision right away now? ”

I said I didn’t say that,  I said if it is not the same then.

He then said when your sister comes home,  again these issues will be discussed and again she will trouble you.

I said I am not going to tell her anything. Will just say I am dating you the day I leave for college so that there is no room for further discussion on this topic.

He then said your sister is so ruthless that I am sure she will trouble you even in college.  She is the ?.  And I am worried about that.

I said you don’t have to worry about this. You should know my strength and I have decided to not stand down to bullies. If I have to cut off contact for my inner peace,  I might just do it.

He then said, “please don’t. Not for me. Then he said I would be happy if you don’t think about any of these things. Not even us. If we are able to be like before it’s okay and we will continue.  We will get to know that with time. Right now we need to be good companions and well wishers.  That is it.

Then after few minutes he said even if we break up now you will laugh about how stupid it all was in a yearyear.  Life changes you know and this is not important. The world is so big and we have so many things to do and see.  Love is not enough everything.

I said yes it is not everything but having a loving partner gives us strength and courage to face the world.

He said I agree and so we need to be slow and steady than rushing back into things.

I don’t understand the pace he is talking about.  When a day before our fight when he was treating me like a friend,  I said do you want to be friends…  He had become upset. What is this phase which is more than friends but less than being in a relationship. It is not friends with benefits either.  I feel confused but he has interviews lined up for next twenty days to change companies.  And I don’t want to bother him any further as well plus judging by his behavior he seems fed up of talking about us.  So I have me and I don’t understand anything ??.  I don’t know if I should be laughing but I feel like it.

I am not a weak person though,  I know that because I have been through feelings of abandonment, worthlessness and controlling people in my life and I didn’t break down.  He has a lot of troubles financially back at his home,  his parents made some poor investment choices and ended up with some debts that they expect him to pay off and he has been trying from his end and so he says changing his job when he is getting a salary hike in his current company is necessary so that he can get paid even more in the next company.

He looks tired even when he tries to smile. He used to drink heavily every weekend when we had initially met, he used to tell me that our relationship helped him think away from his issues.

He has dropped drinking heavily and casually used to have beers twice a month and now he dropped that too.  Said he shall become a social drinker. And has been true to his word. He is trying everything that would make my sister approve of him but in doing all this I think he started hatjng how much effect she has on this relationship.

I understand that my sister and things she does has become a huge issue in his mind and that has made our relationship sour in his mind.

I feel slightly better but  I feel bad that my relationship is dying when there is no real trouble as such apart from my sister of course.

Hello everyone on this thread.

I took time,  let things cool down and here I am back here to talk about things.

Due to these ongoing issues,  me and my guy got into a nasty fight. Although we recovered but he said let’s take things slow.  I often feel like he has become mentally weak after all these episodes.  He said let’s take things really slow and let the hurt go away and then maybe talk about love or anything related to it.  He seems mentally exhausted.

Now,  I recover fast from any kind of issues because I find it stupid to spend time over something I know I cannot solve in a day but he is takes more time. Usually it is a night or a day or at max two days.

It has been seven days after which he called me.  The phone call lasted for almost 30 mins,  we talked about things here and there.  He sounded tired. He said he had a lot of work. He doesn’t text now a days,  he used to ask me what was I up to whenever he was free after work,  now he doesn’t.

It is a long distance and it has been some 8 months since we have met. I told him so many times that we should meet.  He said we should.  But he said things have been busy at work,  he is trying to change jobs.

The video calls are non existent,  I am not trying to portray myself as a desperate person but even the flirting and sexts have stopped for almost 4 months now.  He says it doesn’t feel right when so much is going on.

I didn’t push it further as he said he wants to have a stronger emotional bond.  But then he told me today that he almost sexted someone.  He said he stopped because he realized it wasn’t right but it had been long and he felt driven. He told me that this evening in text and said he is very guilty and didn’t text me for next four hours. It was still early for me to sleep but I said I am going to bed.  Earlier, He used to ask me if I was tired or if something was bothering me when I used to say I want to sleep early.  Today he said ok good night.

If I call him any sweet names,  he sends the nervous smiley in return.  Smileys that depict discomfort and nervousness acc to google.  I think he doesn’t know this meaning but I am sure he sends it as a “I don’t know what to say to this” Kind of smiley.

I don’t want to get hurt again.  At least when I know that I did not do anything to hurt anyone.  And in my opinion,  if I am feeling distant from my partner,  I would convey if I want to sort it out if not I would tell them the actual situation without leading them on.

Now I am also confused if I am overthinking this and it is not a big deal.  He is just trying to actually get over the hurt feelings. He said he would meet me in about two months.

I actually really like him,  he has been really mature and understanding at even the worst moments.  Moments when everyone else would have broken up and walked away but he chose to stay and give things another chance.  He didn’t say it this time but he generally says that there can be no end to the number of people we meet and date,  you and I can go on dating numerous people all our lives or we can make this work and be happy with each other.  I don’t see that spirit in him anymore.  He still texts me sometimes when he feels I have not texted in a long time(4-6 hours)  and sometimes I feel he even missed me,  but then he can simply be bored and thought conversing with me won’t be too enagaging so he can resume work soon after.

I don’t like the way I am spending too much time thinking about his moves and his behavior. I have my own work and studies to look after but then I am getting bothered.  I want to not care and be as casual as possible.  If it works,  it works.  Doesn’t then doesn’t.  I don’t want to lose my mind thinking stupid thoughts when he is onto his work.  I tend to not think when I am around other people but the second I am free,  well it is deep level overthinking ?

Also can I depend on this thread to clear my mind and not think much,  I have decided to put in my thoughts in a notepad letter whenever I am too strained and then put it over here.  The replies can be slow.  This will make me more patient perhaps.

Is it because I don’t love myself?

That is some really good advice. I will try my best to follow up on that. I will let you know how things are going on again in a few days.  Have a great Day then! I am retiring for the night. Will write a little. It’s 12:03 a.m here.

XOXO

Your every word connects with me.

However, in the time I was waiting for your reply. I talked to my boyfriend about this and what if things go towards the worst. that is my parents not agreeing if at all they get influenced totally by my sister. He said that there is no point of keep on fighting and resisting till the very end. So, he wants me to sit and ask her when she comes home that even when she disapproves, will she keep bothering us or just ignore our very existence and live her own life. He said unnecessary stress from her would keep on causing us pain. He said that since she does not intend to work, she will always have extra time on her hands to keep creating a ruckus in our lives till she makes everyone feel how right she is and how wrong we are. And all this will not only distract us from work but also cause stress to me and my parents. So, he said to just ask once and for all, if at all she will never forgive us and just ignore us or will she keep meddling. And if the case is the latter, then he said its best that we walk away because no amount of happiness in a relationship can mitigate stress on the personal front.

I don’t agree to it all completely but he is right in a few things. The current novel I am working on is about such dilemmas and how people with strong institutions go through them and solve them. This plus my education plus a job, I wouldn’t want such useless fights with my family. That said, If it so happens that I have to let go of this guy because of my family, I might not be able to forgive them for putting stupid things before my happiness.