To @anita, @My journey , @Helcat,

I’m angry and upset. Please help my Twitter account is being ignored for way too long. I’m so powerless, why am I always alone? My parents never supported me enough.
They want me to be perfect! That’s why I’m trying to ignore any baby cries that I always do. I’m depressed, and my problem is actually not from the autism, it’s kind of helpful. the real problem is that it’s coming from my depression issues, behaviors, and the many anxiety disorders (according to my legal guardianship evaluation) I do not know the names of. I am so angry because my teacher did notice the TinyBuddha account I went into and it’s not fair. And I’m also angry and upset because I want to choose one thing: to be a better writer, or a better manga artist and I don’t feel like doing both. I choose to be a better writer, artist, and cook.
I’m gaining weight, like my stepdad, and I do not want to gain weight. My family always blames and complains about me now, because I’m now responsible and I’m supposed to do everything they do and help my family when I grow older. I’m almost 18 years old. You can reply here Anita and everyone else, and I won’t reply here very much because I know my school is spying on every device they have at my house! I’m using my new tablet the school gave to me, because my other tablet broke thanks to me and my stepdad…

my life is in danger, please reply back!

from, Ivygrl.

Hi there, It’s Ivygrl,

Before I start, I need your advice to be in a longer, opinion based, and specific written format because I prefer those messages better.

I’m happy with the first weeks of school, but I am worried, because I really want to visit places alone, and get a phone. But due to my consequences it won’t happen. I quit making my dreams come true. No one in Twitter ever likes me, and it’s time to tell you this but I don’t know anything about what I really want. My mom says I’m not good enough at reading books because the internet is ruining my life. She said if I don’t read, and keep reviewing the internet, I failed to be a better person. And you’re right, @Helcat, maybe it is my fault, and taking my title of “my fault” is something I cannot fix, because my mind is like a trial/jury and I’m always scared and anxious and jealous and upset. I work hard and don’t make many friends, because I can’t fit in or become social enough. I’m scared because if I do the wrong thing, like cry, scream, steal, be rough, scream at friends, or just get out of school, I’m in huge trouble. I have to get a phone now just like everyone else or it will be too late, but since I can’t do that, I quit.

I have to tackle tough issues like “Allegory of the Cave” from Plato, or that article about doctors (or creative people) trying to sew patients (or items) but can’t, because they use smartphones or internet too much, and lost all confidence in sewing the patient. You get all this, right??????

I don’t like horror stories anymore, because they are too scary. But now, I do like different genres: comedy, slice of life fiction, adventure, and fantasy. I also like classic books. I want to make my stories and turn them into short stories but I don’t know what to do now, because I’m not a good reader at YA books. I’m just better a shorter novels, or short stories, or…just novels or graphic novelist comic/webtoon comic art.

1. WHAT CAN I DO SO THAT I CAN JOURNAL???? I’m scared of the blank pages and I cannot write anything down! And my journal is JUSTR A PAPER JOURNAL!!!! Please please please answer my question! I’m panicking here and that’s what my life is like: people avoiding my life!! Ands please make it specific!!

2. What can i do to get what I want? I always get nothing rather than something. Because I am invisible in real life.

Please Help!!!

From, Ivygrl

Hi guys, It’s Ivygrl again.

Sorry I left the site for a while. I read the other three messages left when I returned to the site. You see I’m still stuck on my life, because on May – June 2022 I stole $60 worth of money from a school donation clasp opening money/cash bank absent mindedly, when my teachers weren’t here. When my mom found out about this, I was guilty and in trouble the next few days at school, and at one point after I got trouble I went to another school for a one day suspension, and then i returned back to my school and decided to let go on this topic and do better things (like ask permission before doing something) instead of letting myself borrow stuff without permission. They never want me to use the computer EVER again (at school), because I used the computer for stuff that’s not school related.

I QUIT. I WILL NEVER FIT IN AT MY LAST YEAR OF HIGH SCHOOL, AND PEOPLE WANT TO RESTIRCT AND LIMIT EVERYTHING I DO AT SCHOOL !!!! I’M A STUPID, PURPOSEFUL, AND AN INTENTIONAL ABSENT MINDED PERSON.  I WANT TO FORGET ALL MY STUPID GUILTY STUFF AND ACTIONS, I WANT TO BE PERFECT!!!! EVERYONE’S BETTER AT SCHOOL THAN I AM, AND WHAT THEY WANT TO DO IS REMEMBER I AM THE WORST PERSON EVER!!! AND HIGH SCHOOL IS LIKE GETTING A JOB AS AN ADULT; PEOPLE HAVE TO DO THE WORK NOW AND JOBS ARE ALWAYS STRICT!!!!!!!!!!!

I learned that I have ADHD, and Autism!!!! I feel a bit sad about these times, but the good news is some teachers may help me with this problem, but I don’t know how to yet.

Also I have two questions to ask you, when you don’t mind answering?

1. I want to keep a journal notebook for experimenting and super rough drafts, but i don’t know how to write stories like this when I have autism and adhd. What can i do?
2. How can i make a good story even if it’s rough? (I want to make comedy/humour, fantasy, and or adventure stories)?

Thanks, Please send back a message.

From, Ivygrl.

hi anita,

it’s Ivygrl again. Ok I’ll try to ask you two questions in the best way I would do it. And here it is:

How can I make a my consciousness the way I want it to be: positive and enjoyable? I mean, I am feeling a bit better about myself now but I don’t want to fall into the same trap of leading my subconscious to where I was before.

How does the brain work for autism? (compare and contrast between autistic people and regular people.)

from, Ivygrl.

Hi,

It’s Ivygrl again, I apologize for coming back late.

I’m not sure Helcat, if I actually identify with those characters, but some of them are based on some comics and books I read. I’ll try to check and see if I can make any changes with the story I wrote. I’m doing much better.

Do you guys have any recommended drawing sites, youtube links, and story/graphic novel making sites. on how to make comics and written books?

I want to learn about something else next to autism and improving myself: to learn ow to improve myself and my subconscious brain, because I tend to get upset and give up on stuff, but that only happens when I want something really bad.

I want to learn how the brain works, subconsciously and how can I make my brain work and feel better subconsciously, not just consciously. (If you ever read “The Power of your Subconscious Mind” by Joseph Murphy, or know about this stuff, then please help me for a bit.) I never read this book but I read advice onto this book. I don’t know how to make it work to my mind properly. Also I don’t want to force myself too hard in the unconscious realm to help me because I heard that forcing yourself too hard mentally won’t help get your goal (http://www.getstoryshots.com/books/the-power-of-your-subconscious-mind-summary/), and that’s why I need help with understanding the subconscious mind and the brain

I also read “The Secret To Teen Power” by Paul Harrington, because “The Secret” by Rhonda Byrne is too hard, but something felt wrong about all the steps I took, and I felt like I didn’t “Ask, Believe, or Received” the right way. What am I’m doing wrong with the process? I tried to win a Medibang art contest with the secret, but I din’t win though. I just got more likes. What can I do to improve this subconscious potential in the future?

Thank you Anita, and @HoneyBlossom, @Helcat. Hope you send me a message.

from, Ivygrl.

Hi,

it’s Ivygrl again, sorry I was gone for a week. @Helcat, @HoneyBlossom, and @anita, and any other people I made a comic and thought about adding revisions to it. Does anyone want to help me with my story. I’ll appreciate it if you come and inside the google document link, and write comments, advice, and your email after the feedback and comment. I’m updating my comic almost every two weeks or so.

here’s the link for my comic story plot, synopsis, and summary pitch below:

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1IKZCGKlBYR0dmoEfpyVRYZy78iCeomcouTGei9IWhR0/edit?usp=sharing

I’m doing great.
And I sure need some help with my comic. I would also appreciate it if you can give me ideas for more stories I want to make in the future, and for my story plot above.

Thanks. From, Ivygrl.

Hi again,

It’s Ivygrl.

Sorry i went out for a long while @anita and @Helcat,

I can only write on Fridays, Saturdays, and Sundays (unless it’s a school break or I have permission to write something). But now I’m doing ok. I want to be more grateful for my life. I’m doing my best to be more responsible now. Unfortunately, my babysitter from before will no longer be with me. But I still go to the library, though I can only go there for a few minutes to print out stuff and find books, when my mother has her permission, the time, and the chance to go there.

-Do you have any good comic/webtoon ideas and prompts? Or what do you recommend? I’m planning to actually make and write down comics, because for some reason I’ve been distracted for too long.  So I’m trying to create time for comics, but also time to do other things, because not all comic artists can make good comics for 24 hours a day. I have school. And that’s why I’m trying to make up fiction stories and trying to get to non-fiction once I finish some stories.  I want that because i want to make a comic/graphic novel travelogue one day (to go to good South Korea places and good Taiwan places).

– Well, to answer your question, I did notice that i’m not comfortable enough at school sometimes, and I do have to notice myself when i have constipation and when i feel a little/very sad or upset, from stuff from the Internet, as i usually am sometimes when I see someone more popular than me and i’m bored. I really want to do good things like them, but they got their talents when they are much older. I wish I could be like those comic author and animation Youtubers . I also want to read more and learn a new language. But thinking about them all at once and following up with those is not simple. I have lots of stuff to follow up with and i’m stressed out. How can i follow up with what I want and stay accountable and consistent with my wants and needs.

-How do you read and annotate books properly without setting aside the book for too long and forgetting about them? And any books for someone like me to read?

I hope you answer my questions, and I hope you have a nice day. After all, there’s always a light at the end of the tunnel.

Thank you, From, Ivygrl.

(Note for Helcat: you can write the rest of the message you wanted Helcat. This message is for anita)

Hi anita, it’s Ivygrl again.

How are you today, I’m good. But I have questions to ask you, when you don’t mind answering.
How can I have a good quality of life back? And how can I stop endangering my family members and friends? Even if I have autism? I cannot go outside once a day because of school and my home, and strict rules about when to go outside or not, and I am not a person who knows how to travel too well on streets yet.
I worry very much that since my mom is strict with behavior and responsibilities, she doesn’t want to hear me cry in those unnecessary situations. She doesn’t want to see me upset, she wants to see me happy. She just doesn’t want to hear me scream while crying in punishment situations. And I have wish : to be permanently, optimistically happy.
But I have 3 problems I need lots of help with:
1. I want to write and draw stuff but I don’t know how to put my gel pens and pencils on paper? What can I do and what do you do to draw and doodle stuff on paper? I get so scared of ruining stuff, I want to make things perfect, when I know perfection doesn’t exist in art. What could I do with my gel pens and sketchbook and blank sheet of papers then?
2. How can I ever stop being frustrated and weak as an autistic individual? I know that there are only two strengths: mental strength and physical strength. And to be strong you have to push yourself really hard to the point of burnout. And to never argue, because then you will complain, blame others, make excuses, and who knows what else?! I stick to push myself really really hard and be successful now or else you are the weak one. Also I have no idea the difference between complaining,blaming, and making excuses, I know those are forms of “surviving” then failing. Also how am I failing, and how can I succeed with patience and avoid all those problems I’ve been suffering and dealing with? I’m not patient and I really want to be too, to permanently become strong. I don’t know what goals I want, but I want to make my area when I am at home autistic-friendly and non-arousal. I can also try to at least give myself more exercise, and draw stuff when I get a chance.
3. How can I be more assertive without hurting anyone’s feelings? I feel like anything I want to say will cause problems and concern with the people I enjoy and trust, and I want to make more friends in person, but I cannot make enough friends in person and the only friends I ever have are adults, and all adults I talk to who are friends with me are either serious and can be mean to me and enforce my limits when I’m punished , -or- they are kind, friendly and do not enforce much, when it’s their job to enforce and I like the nice adults more than the mean adults.

Based on my understanding, in the situation I am in an autistic situation where certain lighting and loud noises -also known as “arousal levels” – besides the autism itself, can cause problems to an autistic individual followed by stressful tasks and multitasking and other stressful/“ unnecessary” and imperfect? I agree that it’s true in several ways. I mean, I did notice I hate when people snap their fingers or shout very loudly and it’s annoyingly annoying. I beginning to notice my family isn’t too autistic friendly, even though my family actually loves me and stuff. They don’t tell the truth at times to the therapists or counselors that I really hate noises or lights that I hate all the time. I hate scary dark soothing voices too, especially ones that help me calm down. Or hypnotic voices. It’s creepy and kinda scary.
“Back to the first website I mentioned, it reads that a root cause for these challenging behaviors in individuals on the Autistic Spectrum Disorder is HIGH AROUSAL LEVELS, meaning that lights or sounds that don’t feel too bright or too loud to people with low/ average arousal levels, feel too bright and too loud and therefore, too distressing to people with high arousal levels.”
For the second part I kind of get it, but how can I control my challenging excess stress and tension behaviors? I can’t multitask too well and if I any routine changes then I would have problems getting used to it as said in the previous message. How can I take one step at a time when I’m told to do too many things now? I stick to the saying “deal with everything now, and do not ask you teachers for help or tell the truth until you need it” because I’m scared but sometimes I fear my teachers cannot be comfortable with me. I want to be better and successful so that I can get a scholarship in one year, and I want to be enough!! What can I do now?
“Also, bodily discomforts such as perspiring or being constipated bother people with high arousal levels a whole lot more than it bothers people with low/ average arousal levels. Same things with emotions such as anger, frustration, sadness, etc., these bother people with high arousal levels much more than they bother people with low/ average arousal levels.
The extra anxiety, tension and distress that highly aroused person feel leads to some of these challenging behaviors, behaviors that are aimed at relieving and releasing the anxiety, tension and distress.
In addition to the above, these challenging behaviors may be sometimes motivated by a desire for positive or negative attention, a desire to avoid something you don’t want to do, or a situation you don’t want to be in, etc.”
Hope you send me back a message.
From, Ivygrl.