Hi there, It’s Ivygrl,

Before I start, I need your advice to be in a longer, opinion based, and specific written format because I prefer those messages better.

I’m happy with the first weeks of school, but I am worried, because I really want to visit places alone, and get a phone. But due to my consequences it won’t happen. I quit making my dreams come true. No one in Twitter ever likes me, and it’s time to tell you this but I don’t know anything about what I really want. My mom says I’m not good enough at reading books because the internet is ruining my life. She said if I don’t read, and keep reviewing the internet, I failed to be a better person. And you’re right, @Helcat, maybe it is my fault, and taking my title of “my fault” is something I cannot fix, because my mind is like a trial/jury and I’m always scared and anxious and jealous and upset. I work hard and don’t make many friends, because I can’t fit in or become social enough. I’m scared because if I do the wrong thing, like cry, scream, steal, be rough, scream at friends, or just get out of school, I’m in huge trouble. I have to get a phone now just like everyone else or it will be too late, but since I can’t do that, I quit.

I have to tackle tough issues like “Allegory of the Cave” from Plato, or that article about doctors (or creative people) trying to sew patients (or items) but can’t, because they use smartphones or internet too much, and lost all confidence in sewing the patient. You get all this, right??????

I don’t like horror stories anymore, because they are too scary. But now, I do like different genres: comedy, slice of life fiction, adventure, and fantasy. I also like classic books. I want to make my stories and turn them into short stories but I don’t know what to do now, because I’m not a good reader at YA books. I’m just better a shorter novels, or short stories, or…just novels or graphic novelist comic/webtoon comic art.

1. WHAT CAN I DO SO THAT I CAN JOURNAL???? I’m scared of the blank pages and I cannot write anything down! And my journal is JUSTR A PAPER JOURNAL!!!! Please please please answer my question! I’m panicking here and that’s what my life is like: people avoiding my life!! Ands please make it specific!!

2. What can i do to get what I want? I always get nothing rather than something. Because I am invisible in real life.

Please Help!!!

From, Ivygrl

Hi guys, It’s Ivygrl again.

Sorry I left the site for a while. I read the other three messages left when I returned to the site. You see I’m still stuck on my life, because on May – June 2022 I stole $60 worth of money from a school donation clasp opening money/cash bank absent mindedly, when my teachers weren’t here. When my mom found out about this, I was guilty and in trouble the next few days at school, and at one point after I got trouble I went to another school for a one day suspension, and then i returned back to my school and decided to let go on this topic and do better things (like ask permission before doing something) instead of letting myself borrow stuff without permission. They never want me to use the computer EVER again (at school), because I used the computer for stuff that’s not school related.

I QUIT. I WILL NEVER FIT IN AT MY LAST YEAR OF HIGH SCHOOL, AND PEOPLE WANT TO RESTIRCT AND LIMIT EVERYTHING I DO AT SCHOOL !!!! I’M A STUPID, PURPOSEFUL, AND AN INTENTIONAL ABSENT MINDED PERSON.  I WANT TO FORGET ALL MY STUPID GUILTY STUFF AND ACTIONS, I WANT TO BE PERFECT!!!! EVERYONE’S BETTER AT SCHOOL THAN I AM, AND WHAT THEY WANT TO DO IS REMEMBER I AM THE WORST PERSON EVER!!! AND HIGH SCHOOL IS LIKE GETTING A JOB AS AN ADULT; PEOPLE HAVE TO DO THE WORK NOW AND JOBS ARE ALWAYS STRICT!!!!!!!!!!!

I learned that I have ADHD, and Autism!!!! I feel a bit sad about these times, but the good news is some teachers may help me with this problem, but I don’t know how to yet.

Also I have two questions to ask you, when you don’t mind answering?

1. I want to keep a journal notebook for experimenting and super rough drafts, but i don’t know how to write stories like this when I have autism and adhd. What can i do?
2. How can i make a good story even if it’s rough? (I want to make comedy/humour, fantasy, and or adventure stories)?

Thanks, Please send back a message.

From, Ivygrl.

hi anita,

it’s Ivygrl again. Ok I’ll try to ask you two questions in the best way I would do it. And here it is:

How can I make a my consciousness the way I want it to be: positive and enjoyable? I mean, I am feeling a bit better about myself now but I don’t want to fall into the same trap of leading my subconscious to where I was before.

How does the brain work for autism? (compare and contrast between autistic people and regular people.)

from, Ivygrl.

Hi,

It’s Ivygrl again, I apologize for coming back late.

I’m not sure Helcat, if I actually identify with those characters, but some of them are based on some comics and books I read. I’ll try to check and see if I can make any changes with the story I wrote. I’m doing much better.

Do you guys have any recommended drawing sites, youtube links, and story/graphic novel making sites. on how to make comics and written books?

I want to learn about something else next to autism and improving myself: to learn ow to improve myself and my subconscious brain, because I tend to get upset and give up on stuff, but that only happens when I want something really bad.

I want to learn how the brain works, subconsciously and how can I make my brain work and feel better subconsciously, not just consciously. (If you ever read “The Power of your Subconscious Mind” by Joseph Murphy, or know about this stuff, then please help me for a bit.) I never read this book but I read advice onto this book. I don’t know how to make it work to my mind properly. Also I don’t want to force myself too hard in the unconscious realm to help me because I heard that forcing yourself too hard mentally won’t help get your goal (http://www.getstoryshots.com/books/the-power-of-your-subconscious-mind-summary/), and that’s why I need help with understanding the subconscious mind and the brain

I also read “The Secret To Teen Power” by Paul Harrington, because “The Secret” by Rhonda Byrne is too hard, but something felt wrong about all the steps I took, and I felt like I didn’t “Ask, Believe, or Received” the right way. What am I’m doing wrong with the process? I tried to win a Medibang art contest with the secret, but I din’t win though. I just got more likes. What can I do to improve this subconscious potential in the future?

Thank you Anita, and @HoneyBlossom, @Helcat. Hope you send me a message.

from, Ivygrl.

Hi,

it’s Ivygrl again, sorry I was gone for a week. @Helcat, @HoneyBlossom, and @anita, and any other people I made a comic and thought about adding revisions to it. Does anyone want to help me with my story. I’ll appreciate it if you come and inside the google document link, and write comments, advice, and your email after the feedback and comment. I’m updating my comic almost every two weeks or so.

here’s the link for my comic story plot, synopsis, and summary pitch below:

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1IKZCGKlBYR0dmoEfpyVRYZy78iCeomcouTGei9IWhR0/edit?usp=sharing

I’m doing great.
And I sure need some help with my comic. I would also appreciate it if you can give me ideas for more stories I want to make in the future, and for my story plot above.

Thanks. From, Ivygrl.

Hi again,

It’s Ivygrl.

Sorry i went out for a long while @anita and @Helcat,

I can only write on Fridays, Saturdays, and Sundays (unless it’s a school break or I have permission to write something). But now I’m doing ok. I want to be more grateful for my life. I’m doing my best to be more responsible now. Unfortunately, my babysitter from before will no longer be with me. But I still go to the library, though I can only go there for a few minutes to print out stuff and find books, when my mother has her permission, the time, and the chance to go there.

-Do you have any good comic/webtoon ideas and prompts? Or what do you recommend? I’m planning to actually make and write down comics, because for some reason I’ve been distracted for too long.  So I’m trying to create time for comics, but also time to do other things, because not all comic artists can make good comics for 24 hours a day. I have school. And that’s why I’m trying to make up fiction stories and trying to get to non-fiction once I finish some stories.  I want that because i want to make a comic/graphic novel travelogue one day (to go to good South Korea places and good Taiwan places).

– Well, to answer your question, I did notice that i’m not comfortable enough at school sometimes, and I do have to notice myself when i have constipation and when i feel a little/very sad or upset, from stuff from the Internet, as i usually am sometimes when I see someone more popular than me and i’m bored. I really want to do good things like them, but they got their talents when they are much older. I wish I could be like those comic author and animation Youtubers . I also want to read more and learn a new language. But thinking about them all at once and following up with those is not simple. I have lots of stuff to follow up with and i’m stressed out. How can i follow up with what I want and stay accountable and consistent with my wants and needs.

-How do you read and annotate books properly without setting aside the book for too long and forgetting about them? And any books for someone like me to read?

I hope you answer my questions, and I hope you have a nice day. After all, there’s always a light at the end of the tunnel.

Thank you, From, Ivygrl.

(Note for Helcat: you can write the rest of the message you wanted Helcat. This message is for anita)

Hi anita, it’s Ivygrl again.

How are you today, I’m good. But I have questions to ask you, when you don’t mind answering.
How can I have a good quality of life back? And how can I stop endangering my family members and friends? Even if I have autism? I cannot go outside once a day because of school and my home, and strict rules about when to go outside or not, and I am not a person who knows how to travel too well on streets yet.
I worry very much that since my mom is strict with behavior and responsibilities, she doesn’t want to hear me cry in those unnecessary situations. She doesn’t want to see me upset, she wants to see me happy. She just doesn’t want to hear me scream while crying in punishment situations. And I have wish : to be permanently, optimistically happy.
But I have 3 problems I need lots of help with:
1. I want to write and draw stuff but I don’t know how to put my gel pens and pencils on paper? What can I do and what do you do to draw and doodle stuff on paper? I get so scared of ruining stuff, I want to make things perfect, when I know perfection doesn’t exist in art. What could I do with my gel pens and sketchbook and blank sheet of papers then?
2. How can I ever stop being frustrated and weak as an autistic individual? I know that there are only two strengths: mental strength and physical strength. And to be strong you have to push yourself really hard to the point of burnout. And to never argue, because then you will complain, blame others, make excuses, and who knows what else?! I stick to push myself really really hard and be successful now or else you are the weak one. Also I have no idea the difference between complaining,blaming, and making excuses, I know those are forms of “surviving” then failing. Also how am I failing, and how can I succeed with patience and avoid all those problems I’ve been suffering and dealing with? I’m not patient and I really want to be too, to permanently become strong. I don’t know what goals I want, but I want to make my area when I am at home autistic-friendly and non-arousal. I can also try to at least give myself more exercise, and draw stuff when I get a chance.
3. How can I be more assertive without hurting anyone’s feelings? I feel like anything I want to say will cause problems and concern with the people I enjoy and trust, and I want to make more friends in person, but I cannot make enough friends in person and the only friends I ever have are adults, and all adults I talk to who are friends with me are either serious and can be mean to me and enforce my limits when I’m punished , -or- they are kind, friendly and do not enforce much, when it’s their job to enforce and I like the nice adults more than the mean adults.

Based on my understanding, in the situation I am in an autistic situation where certain lighting and loud noises -also known as “arousal levels” – besides the autism itself, can cause problems to an autistic individual followed by stressful tasks and multitasking and other stressful/“ unnecessary” and imperfect? I agree that it’s true in several ways. I mean, I did notice I hate when people snap their fingers or shout very loudly and it’s annoyingly annoying. I beginning to notice my family isn’t too autistic friendly, even though my family actually loves me and stuff. They don’t tell the truth at times to the therapists or counselors that I really hate noises or lights that I hate all the time. I hate scary dark soothing voices too, especially ones that help me calm down. Or hypnotic voices. It’s creepy and kinda scary.
“Back to the first website I mentioned, it reads that a root cause for these challenging behaviors in individuals on the Autistic Spectrum Disorder is HIGH AROUSAL LEVELS, meaning that lights or sounds that don’t feel too bright or too loud to people with low/ average arousal levels, feel too bright and too loud and therefore, too distressing to people with high arousal levels.”
For the second part I kind of get it, but how can I control my challenging excess stress and tension behaviors? I can’t multitask too well and if I any routine changes then I would have problems getting used to it as said in the previous message. How can I take one step at a time when I’m told to do too many things now? I stick to the saying “deal with everything now, and do not ask you teachers for help or tell the truth until you need it” because I’m scared but sometimes I fear my teachers cannot be comfortable with me. I want to be better and successful so that I can get a scholarship in one year, and I want to be enough!! What can I do now?
“Also, bodily discomforts such as perspiring or being constipated bother people with high arousal levels a whole lot more than it bothers people with low/ average arousal levels. Same things with emotions such as anger, frustration, sadness, etc., these bother people with high arousal levels much more than they bother people with low/ average arousal levels.
The extra anxiety, tension and distress that highly aroused person feel leads to some of these challenging behaviors, behaviors that are aimed at relieving and releasing the anxiety, tension and distress.
In addition to the above, these challenging behaviors may be sometimes motivated by a desire for positive or negative attention, a desire to avoid something you don’t want to do, or a situation you don’t want to be in, etc.”
Hope you send me back a message.
From, Ivygrl.

Hi Anita,

Here are the answers to all my questions. I apologize for making this message too long.

Q #1- “I read your whole post and I am having trouble understanding. I am guessing that although you live in the U.S., you lived elsewhere for years before you moved to the U.S., and your English needs improving. Am I correct in my understanding?”

A #1- Yes, I need lots of help with my English, including my grammar and tense speaking, because I used to speak Spanish (formerly from the Dominican Republic. I lived there until I was 6-7 years old and then I moved to the USA). By the time I learned English almost all of my Spanish went away, and since my parents speak more Spanish than me, I have to do almost everything I need to do for my high school myself.

Q #2- “You mentioned that you have autism. Can you tell me at what age you were diagnosed and what, if any treatment, you’ve been receiving?”

A #2- I don’t remember but I had been diagnosed when I moved to the USA or something. There is no treatment to the autism. But I did have problems with controlling myself and when to sleep and stay awake at night, so a therapist came to meet us every few to several months or so. pharmacy pill medicine was used because of my sleep problems and my calming down. But I also know that it’s up to me to calm down.

Q #3- “One more thing: you asked for help. Can you tell me as clearly and as specifically as you can, what kind of help are you requesting?”

I need lots of help!!! But I will cut it down to five different bits. Please respond each bit in a longer message.

1. I know this seems perfectly clichéd on the first one, but the truth is: I want MY life to be perfect, just like my parents. I want to be strong both on the outside and the inside. But what I meant by nightmares is that I live in this world where “perfection doesn’t exist”. I’m sick of hearing the same thing. I feel too sad and too angry that nothing good happens to me. I’m sick of being weak as a girl who’s developing her fantasy future and trying to make it come true. My fantasy future is to make good stories: fantasy, comedy, and horror stories as a writer and also do other jobs that are what I enjoy. I like to be a youtuber or comic artist one day, and if it isn’t any of those things, then I would go out and enjoy nature and help at a café. How can I do all this, when I’m 17 years old, have a house that I can never go outside unless with parent supervision, and change my life from weak to strong, and do all that I want? How can I be more creative in my life when I’m almost always stuck indoors??? What do you draw and write creatively?
2. I want to be strong and make my parents and everyone in the world happy, but when I say something to my parents to try to forgive me with irreversible damage (like when I say “I’ll never do it again, I promise” they say “O.K., but unfortunately you are wrong. You will do it all over again”). The problem is they judge me and spoil a terrible secret over and over: they prove me guilty based on another future that will lead me into something I don’t want, and losing my passion. I’m so scared, I’m having a feeling that people I know are scary and are fortune tellers of the logic and the future. I know it’s not true, but parents and friends I know that are always stronger (strong-willed and are more of an expert) than me are always right. And the kindhearted and nice ones I know and love, are not with me anymore and are always busy. I want to be kind and very strong parent. I want to be very strong and powerful and kind today and in the future I want. I’m always subtle and super abstract in writing, and I don’t know how to explain what I’m feeling in one word. I want to be clear and narrow, not broad and scattered. How can I ever always be correct when I’m too busy with other stuff and am not enough?? How can I always be that person?? Any recommended books for the weak to turn into strong and powerful?
3. I always cry and do the same bad habits/behaviors constantly and repeatedly. I thought I would be better, because that’s always what people brainwashed me to say. “Work hard, do something, be better, be an improvement, SOMETHING!” But these days, I’m sad, depressed, lazy, dull, lost a lot of confidence, and always am lost in the same behaviors instead of being downcycled into something much worse and useless. I just want a permanent change that can definitely help start changing my life, but no matter how hard I try, It’s not going the way I want it to be, because of my baby behaviors. Even though I’m maturing and doing some of the right things, I’m still in special education. I need to learn more about patience, that rewards need time and will never exist once in punishment. What can I do so that I can finally change my behavior and let go of bad things and move forward faster? For me I can never accept on moving forward, I took the risky path: doing something over and over again and staying there until you learn and accept, but the side effect will just be dangerous and painful just like “The Tempest” by William Shakespeare or the Genesis/ Adam and Eve part of the Bible. What can I do???
4. Everything felt better with my babysitter, but I’m still sad at dull at her, because of my previous behaviors I did last week. On Monday, I finally went to the frozen yogurt shop, but I still have to behave and improve, and make my days better. But remember I upset my caregiver 4 times now. How can I show that I permanently changed? I tried to avoid crying, and control my instinctive behaviors as much as I can, but it’s no use. The change has to be instant and fast, because I’m lazy, not confident enough and am weak, and try hard on everything I can and I still fail in somethings. I want to be perfect (not necessarily perfectionist)! But what can I do if those days aren’t good enough and I’m weak??? How can I control my emotions and turn rational??? Any recommended books?
5. I just want to improve my storytelling and finally get my hands on a librarian to help me with my stories. But I don’t write enough fiction stories, or read enough fiction stories. And remember I’m burnout from writing stories and want to create short stories ever since I was little because I want to make my own shows, or small episode stories. But then I don’t have enough time to read because of school. I know I’m still learning but every time I read a book, I don’t read all the pages. Unless it’s a comic, I can’t read a chapter book/novel in one day. And I also prefer standalone books, not series and they have not recommended me a standalone book for me!!! I thought a book called “The Secret” by Rhonda Byrne would help me, but I always leave behind an absence of what I want, and everything I try from the secret/law of attraction was for nothing. I want something else, some other powerful technique to permanently be happy and stay in the now instead of tomorrow, tomorrow, tomorrow!!!! What can I do?

I hope this helps, and please please please respond in a long message and answer my 5 questions.

From, Ivygrl.