Yes.

All of that is literally exactly what I needed to remember. I read your comment just before meeting him yesterday, and it was such a good evening.  You helped me refocus on what matters, and remember that if it doesn’t work out, that’s ok too. I felt a lot less insecure, and it came across.

Thank you ? you got exactly where I was coming from and helped me rebalance my thoughts. Thank you.

Thank you both for replying!

Anita, I agree about the possible consequences of this being quite serious, but in this regard I have always been very careful, and will continue to be.

You both raise valid points. However a commitment is not an option right now as I’m in a situation where we’re all going away in a few months (we’re postgraduate students in an international university). I don’t think there is anything bad with sleeping around if you’re careful, no one is otherwise committed and intentions are made clear at the start.

My main concern has been because I feel like I’ve started craving that meaningless connection a bit too much or too often with anyone (as long as I like them physically). What I meant by saying I should be harder on myself is that I spent a lot of time working on being nice to myself, accepting imperfection, learning to love myself etc after the break up, and learnt to justify most of my actions as long as I don’t hurt anybody else, but now I feel maybe i’ve gone a bit too far and should justify less.

The answer is probably right that I should just stop like you said, but it’s turning out to not be that easy – especially as since I said, commitment is not an option right now.

Thanks again for the time you took to read this.
JD

Thank you all so much for taking the time to read, and reply to my post.

Like I had said, there are good days – the day I posted was a particularly hard day, but thankfully, these couple of days have been better. Nonetheless, while I can see clearer during the good days, the pain doesn’t really go away.

Al – I agree with everything you wrote. I have been trying very hard to practice gratitude – because it took me losing the greatest thing to start appreciating the little things that were still there, that I always took for granted. I have nothing but love for him – I can’t be angry at him because I know he tried as hard as I did to make it work – so I do wish him beautiful things – I want him to be happy. I have also been focusing on being a more positive person, because I must admit that I had a very negative outlook before. I will keep working on this every day – thank you for supporting me with what you said!

Libertymojo – I am so sorry you are going through this as well! It helped me to read that someone out there can relate to what I’m feeling – so know that you are not alone either! In the midst of the pain I agree that it is beautiful to be able to feel and love so much – perhaps the fact that we are able to feel this extent of pain is perhaps a beautiful thing in it’s own way too! I guess bearing unbearable pain (whether it is an overstatement or not) must hurt, but it will also make us stronger. Let’s hang in there together! Thank you for reaching out!

Alice – It feels so good to hear from someone who, as you said is more far along than me. Thank you for taking the time to share with me. At first I couldn’t manage to do anything – i studied (because we broke up on the eve of the first of 7 very important exams) and i slept – i couldn’t handle anything else. With some time, I started getting back into a routine – and that did help immensely. Starting new habits seems particularly effective – since the old ones obviously remind me of him – and it feels like none of the things I now do alone are as good as they used to. I will focus on this more. What you say about time reminded me of something i read – we’re constantly told to fill up our time and distract ourselves to feel better etc. – when it comes down to it however, it is only time that can heal us; everything we do in the meantime, is a way of making time pass less slowly (as during the worst days time seems to stall) – so even if habits and distractions don’t make us feel better, it’s ok because time will! I believe this. We just have to make it through some more time; although we shouldn’t take the good things we have now for granted.

Archie – We have talked this over a few times. Neither of us can imagine never being together – but neither of us knows how to make it work either. Like I mentioned in my post, we both have personal issues which came up and made it difficult for us to be together. It hasn’t been easy for either of us (I see that he’s in pain too) – but we spent more time trying to make it work, than it actually working – so we do believe that it’s the right option – even if we don’t feel ready to move on. This part of my reply is very vague – just because it’s still very confusing to me. I appreciate your honest answer – and I hope that with time I’ll be in a position to reply to you more strongly.

Thank you all once again. You have made the pain more bearable by showing me I’m not alone in my feelings! I appreciate this deeply.
JdKm

Thanks to the both of you for your touching replies – they made me cry because I never realised that other people out there could understand how I feel as both of you seem to have. I couldn’t take it anymore today and I contacted him on facebook. I made things even worse by looking up old messages – comparing how things used to be – how he used to talk to me when things were good – not just to how he talked to me today, but to how he’s talked to me ever since the first break up.

He is still, in my opinion, a beautiful person – but I have realised something today that I have never seen before. He tried to get back to where we were – and I believe that. But in looking up to him the way I always have, I never realised that he was incapable of letting himself feel that way again. I myself, put myself through turmoil – trying to analyse myself, and give everything and anything to have us back (perhaps a little much in retrospect and as discussed above since I lost myself in doing so). Even though he was trying – as much as he knew how – the first break up blocked something in him and he never pushed himself far enough to get over it. I used to see this – and he always used to say he shouldn’t have to push himself that much, and then I’d feel guilty for expecting too much. However, for the first time, I feel like the stronger one – because I managed to let myself feel to an extent that after the first break up he was always scared of. I don’t blame him – and I’ve finally stopped blaming myself. I cried for the past two hours straight – but it felt different – for the first time, it felt like I was crying over the loss of what there was in the beginning – finally accepting that it’s gone and why it didn’t come back – despite all the effort.

What we had was beautiful nonetheless – and the fact we’ve both grown into better people is, in my opinion, incredible. However, for the first time – ever – I feel I can let go. Random Writes – perhaps there is a similar reason you let yourself put so much happiness in someone else’s hands – because you were giving them your heart in a way they were incapable of doing too. Matt, I have been trying to work on myself – but now, finally, I feel I can as you said ‘care’ for myself because I’m starting to let go of the guilt of not making it work.

I do apologise if all this seemed a bit sporadic or random – I was truly touched by your feedback, and once I feel I got through another obstacle (perhaps the biggest one which I kept trying to avoid dealing with), I wanted to share it with you. I’m quite sure the pain is not over yet – and there is grieving left to be done – but that’s ok. Random Writes – congratulations – 2 days of not crying is an accomplishment – one I hope to manage to achieve myself!

Thank you both.