May 31, 2015 at 4:31 am #77517
In a temporary relationship. To be or not to be?
Since 2 years I'm single and not dated anyone. Recently, went to a dating site and met this 45 year old guy (I'm 30) who seemed interesting. He came with a disclaimer ‘no personal questions'. Later, he told me he is married with two kids and is bored of his marriage and wanted something outside.
My side: I'm not ready to be in a relationship either. Thought dating would give a different dimension to my schedule, get to know people and learn different things.
My question: Is it wrong to be with him for a good time together? Why married person? ‘We have similar likes and dislikes and we clicked, he is straight-forward, no mind games.
Since, he is married, my best friend is irked that I'm the other woman in his life.
My only point is – Neither he is serious nor I'm here to get serious or invest emotions in it. I have learned when to pull the plug off. I don't consider myself responsible for he is having an extra-marital affair.
Is it wrong to spend time with him?May 31, 2015 at 9:20 am #77526
I read your post and am not ready with a response. I was wondering: can you list the advantages to you of such a relationship and the disadvantages to you of the relationship as you see it from where you are now, in your mind: advantaeges/ disadvantages? That will give me more of an idea of how to respond.
anitaMay 31, 2015 at 10:26 am #77527
I feel compelled to respond:
Out of the literally billions of men on the planet, surely you can find a normal guy. And no, it's not normal to go on a dating site with the disclaimer “No Questions”. Does the wife know about the site? Does she know that he is dating just anyone? Meaning, P.S. you're not the only one! What else is he not telling you? Criminal record? STDs? I'm serious here. There is a certain arrogance behind anyone who writes “Disclaimer: No Personal Questions” on a dating site.
Perhaps if more women (and men!) don't humor married people and encourage them to take sex casually there would be fewer extra-marital affairs! When you sleep with a married person you are essentially saying, “Your twenty year relationship with your husband/wife didn't matter and wasn't a big deal. Because look, you are now sleeping with someone and I mean it could be anyone. OR// I'm the exception! I'm on par with the spouse, Yay!”
If you truly clicked, imagine he is your knight and you are his lady/muse. They didn't sleep together either, but the romance was there! Let him transmute that feeling into poetry or something. And if you truly feel nothing, let him give the poetry to his wife.May 31, 2015 at 2:40 pm #77535
Oh my goodness, this teenager wrote about her cheating father not five minutes after my response to you! And THAT is why the answer always has to be “NO”!
You can't go wrong when you do the right thing.
InkyMay 31, 2015 at 5:12 pm #77538
My point is:
Why am I being held responsible for something that he has chosen to do. It isn't me who's cheating a partner!
He is looking outside marriage, because he is bored of it, and whatever reason… I never asked him to do so…nor did I know in the first instance about all this..
I don't know about the advantages and disadvantages. What I do know is; I missed to have someone in the past two years.May 31, 2015 at 6:32 pm #77543
You are right: he is 100% responsible for his actions. He is 100% responsible for the ad he put out there, for looking outside his marriage. You cary ZERO responsibility for his actions. You are responsible for answering his ad and you will be responsible for having a relationship with a married man with children if you choose to do so.
You wrote that you missed having someone in your life, so I figure an advantage, a benefit to you would be to have companionship, a physical and emotional intimacy to some degree or another, something better than nothing…?
A disadvantage could be pain that you may feel knowing that after he sees you he will go to bed with his wife, and having been with you, he may be less bored, more interested in her, being refreshed from the excitement of an extra marital affair. You will be in bed alone, wondering- will you not- what he is doing with his wife and kids while you are alone…?
If you think of the PLUSES (advantages) and the MINUSES (disadvantages) before you make a decision about any topic, you are more likely to choose what is going to bring you well being. And after all, isn't your well being what you want? Don't you want what is good for you?
There is a lot of wrong things happening in the world and I have no doubt, you experienced a lot of wrong done done to you by other people. That is a shame. Your attitude may be: what's the point? Who cares?
I care right this minute as I write this: I care that you do the right thing for YOU. You do matter. Your well being matters. If you would like to do the PLUSES and MINUSES work in regard to this issue- please do and post. I would love to read it and respond further.
anitaMay 31, 2015 at 10:40 pm #77562
Thank you for being kind to me. I really needed it to start this day!
About getting hurt, how does it matter for if a relation of 6 years turned into marriage fails. I had never slept with any other man… I'm not a Bitch; but as a human being, I have sexual needs. I'm not ready to invest emotionally nor to share the roof. I'm might sound like negative, but I'm completely okay like this, rather it's much easier and less painful. I know he must be open to other women, as long as it's not to my knowledge it's ok. I'm here for my own needs to be fulfilled.
And the time it does hurt, I'll pull the plug. Atleast the hurt won't be as deep as a serious relationship.
1) Good for a change from regular schedule
2) Exploring new things with him
3) A little bit of care and attention does help.
1) It bothered me when he asked if I love him. I don't want more what it is. When I love someone, I invest my 100%, else I don't. So he knows the limits now.
2) Probable minus- if he wants to date someone else, I'm ok with it as long as he makes it clear.June 1, 2015 at 4:55 am #77563
In our real laws you would get arrested if you were in on a crime. Even if you didn't pull the trigger and were just the get away car. Ethically this is the same thing. You are his get away car.
And listen to him! He's already asking if you love him, already shooting your No Investing Emotionally thing out the window. He is either attached or wants you to be attached.
And it's OK with you if he sees other people ~ as long as you don't know about it! Uh-Oh! How quickly that will fail when he casually on purpose mentions this other girl he's seeing because he wanted you to get attached and you didn't.
And your sexual needs that you could fulfill through anyone trumps his children crying for their father and the wife's needs (that is, to have her husband's fidelity, and for him not to bring home an STD ~ that he got from the other women you don't want to know about!)? No, there are too many normal single guys.
And strangers on the internet saying, “No, it's not a good idea.” Because deep down you know you deserve SO much better, that this guy is NOT worth the drama, otherwise you wouldn't be conflicted. We, strangers on the internet, hereby give you permission to dump him. The best part? You don't even have to tell him in person. Move on to much greener, much better pastures.
June 1, 2015 at 7:28 am #77568
- This reply was modified 2 years, 9 months ago by Inky.
Glad to see your pluses/ minuses work! The pluses you mentioned: change from regular schedule, exploring new things. These two make sense, a need for excitement, for something different, something new after (2?) years of same-old-same-old schedule and a heart break of a relationship ending before that. No wonder you want something new, something different. Also pluses: care, attention, sexual needs met. These also make sense: who does not want care, attention and again, excitement, physical excitement, stimulation. You also mention above the pluses/ minuses that you do not want to invest emotionally or share a roof, which I believe are also pluses for you.
As far as minuses you mention that he asked you if you love him- which conflicts with the plus of NOT wanting to invest emotionally. And you mention him dating other women if he doesn't make it clear (that he is dating others).
Now I am looking at this and thinking where to go with this (I have nothing planned)…your needs and hopes for this relationship make sense to me and are understandable. You not being ready or willing to go through the heartaches, I assume you went through in the serious relationship which ended two years ago also makes sense to me.
Having thought about it, I cannot come up with a reason why you shouldn't explore this, experiment with it and see if indeed it is providing you with the positives you are hoping for, positives that are valid, understandable needs. It may work for you temporarily (which is what you want, temprarily) and it may turn out not so great for you- although you intend to cut it off with no problems if it doesn't turn well.
I have nothing- absolutely nothing to contribute to the dilemma other than the social responsibility aspect, that is how it may affect other people, particularly the innocent children. Thoughts about that?
anitaJune 1, 2015 at 10:37 am #77574
I too thought I could maintain a physical relationship with a married man. He made me feel pretty and sexy and he became my drug of choice. It didn't work.
I found out recently that he views me as the slut and he only has real relationships with “good” girls.
I took a trip to MX last year and when I came home my borrowed man told me his wife had thrown him out. She never found out about his cheating (thank goodness) but she threw him out because he is a bully.
I did not pressure him into a real relationship with me, in fact I backed off so he could have time to grieve his loss. While I was doing the right thing and letting him get his bearings another woman stepped in. This man has a weakness for very young women (young enough to be his daughter or granddaughter) and he moved in with a coworker of his immediately. He did not have the nerve to tell me, he let me find out from another. He continued to come around looking for sex but once I found out he was living with another I realized it hurt. It wasn't supposed to hurt because I wasn't supposed to be emotionally involved.
Guess what? It has been a year and I find myself stuck. I can't seem to move past his treatment of me. He continues to badger me and wants to be buddies. I finally told him that he must leave me alone or I will spill the beans. He is mixing his job and his sex life and those two don't mix well.
The bottom line is “Do no harm” and I harmed myself by getting physically involved with this man. I was able to tell myself during the affair that I was not involved and he could not hurt me. Boy, was I wrong!! I got my comeuppance and I realize I deserve it. Don't sell yourself short, you deserve a real partner not leftovers.June 1, 2015 at 6:00 pm #77599
Social responsibility, yeah it did bother me, then I thought if the father (who's blood is running in these kids) doesn't care about them, who am I to… Can I own all the responsibilities of the world? Or do I need to…
Thank you for writing in… My mindset is exactly what you described.. To not get emotionally involved. And I'm being very watchful of my steps.. I am certainly considering your opinion since you've been through it… I don't wanna get hurt at any cost… I will soon take a call and keep posting here…
Thank you so much for your love and care. It means a lot!June 2, 2015 at 4:25 am #77606
Just don't be party to any “Badness/Evil” in the world. It's not hard. You don't have to feed, shelter, clothe or love his kids. Just don't be party to/support him leaving them.
Something inside you (that would be a conscience) said, “Hey, something about this situation really, really bothers me. I know! Let's go online and ask random strangers if I'm crazy!” And everyone (even the diplomatic one, hi Anita! 🙂 ) said, “No, you're not crazy, this is wrong, this is not best for you.”
It seems like you're doing a lot of work justifying what is wrong. What is right needs no justification.
Leave the family alone,
InkyJune 2, 2015 at 7:41 am #77609
You wrote: “Can I own all the responsibilities of the world? Or do I need to…” I wrote to you before on the topic of responsibility. Once I understood the issue in MY life- it made a lot of things clearer and life easier than before. I hope you get it clear as well. Here is how it works: he is 100% responsible for his actions. You are 100% responsible for your actions. If there is or will be a relationship between you and him then you are 50% responsible for the relationship itself and he is 50% responsible for the relationship itself.
Now, if that relationship hurts his kids, to the extent that the relationship itself hurts his kids- then you are 50% responsible for hurting his kids… because you are 50% responsible for the relationship.
Simple math. Do you agree or disagree with it?
You wrote: “I thought if the father (who’s blood is running in these kids) doesn’t care about them, who am I to… ” I wonder what the rest of the sentence is?
Did you mean: if their father doesn't care about the kids, who am I to care about them? If so, if so… is their only chance to be cared about is if their father does? If he doesn't- are they doomed, nobody should care about them? Does it mean that if their father doesn't care about them, they must not be worthy of someone caring about them?
Looking forward to your reply…
anitaJune 4, 2015 at 2:34 am #77728
Dear Anyone, just imagine if you are a married woman with children, would you want another woman or women to come into your marriage? I always believed in what goes around comes around. I hope my reply is not offensive but is just my two cents worth of opinion. I pray that you will meet someone that you truly loves and that he is able to commit to you wholly. May Buddha bless you always.
EmmaJune 15, 2015 at 11:35 pm #78305
You are like many people who only think about their own self interest and who give no care or concern whether they are a participant in the pain and suffering of others. In short you are a selfish woman. Your pleasure comes first. You are the type of person who helps to cause the break up of families. Take a hard look at yourself in the mirror. Where is your integrity? You will reap as you sow. Have you heard that expression? Remember it. One day you may be in love and completely happy and you will trust your man to be faithful, but the universe always has a way of teaching us, and just when you are at your happiest, your world will come crashing down, and this will all happen to show you what it is like to have done to you, that which you have done to others.