Dear Anyone:
I read your post and am not ready with a response. I was wondering: can you list the advantages to you of such a relationship and the disadvantages to you of the relationship as you see it from where you are now, in your mind: advantaeges/ disadvantages? That will give me more of an idea of how to respond.
anita

Oh my goodness, this teenager wrote about her cheating father not five minutes after my response to you! And THAT is why the answer always has to be “NO”!

You can’t go wrong when you do the right thing.

Inky

Dear Anyone:
You are right: he is 100% responsible for his actions. He is 100% responsible for the ad he put out there, for looking outside his marriage. You cary ZERO responsibility for his actions. You are responsible for answering his ad and you will be responsible for having a relationship with a married man with children if you choose to do so.

You wrote that you missed having someone in your life, so I figure an advantage, a benefit to you would be to have companionship, a physical and emotional intimacy to some degree or another, something better than nothing…?

A disadvantage could be pain that you may feel knowing that after he sees you he will go to bed with his wife, and having been with you, he may be less bored, more interested in her, being refreshed from the excitement of an extra marital affair. You will be in bed alone, wondering- will you not- what he is doing with his wife and kids while you are alone…?

If you think of the PLUSES (advantages) and the MINUSES (disadvantages) before you make a decision about any topic, you are more likely to choose what is going to bring you well being. And after all, isn’t your well being what you want? Don’t you want what is good for you?

There is a lot of wrong things happening in the world and I have no doubt, you experienced a lot of wrong done done to you by other people. That is a shame. Your attitude may be: what’s the point? Who cares?

I care right this minute as I write this: I care that you do the right thing for YOU. You do matter. Your well being matters. If you would like to do the PLUSES and MINUSES work in regard to this issue- please do and post. I would love to read it and respond further.

Take care:
anita

Hi Anyone,

In our real laws you would get arrested if you were in on a crime. Even if you didn’t pull the trigger and were just the get away car. Ethically this is the same thing. You are his get away car.

And listen to him! He’s already asking if you love him, already shooting your No Investing Emotionally thing out the window. He is either attached or wants you to be attached.

And it’s OK with you if he sees other people ~ as long as you don’t know about it! Uh-Oh! How quickly that will fail when he casually on purpose mentions this other girl he’s seeing because he wanted you to get attached and you didn’t.

And your sexual needs that you could fulfill through anyone trumps his children crying for their father and the wife’s needs (that is, to have her husband’s fidelity, and for him not to bring home an STD ~ that he got from the other women you don’t want to know about!)? No, there are too many normal single guys.

And strangers on the internet saying, “No, it’s not a good idea.” Because deep down you know you deserve SO much better, that this guy is NOT worth the drama, otherwise you wouldn’t be conflicted. We, strangers on the internet, hereby give you permission to dump him. The best part? You don’t even have to tell him in person. Move on to much greener, much better pastures.

Inky

• This reply was modified 9 years, 6 months ago by Inky.

Dear Anyone,
I too thought I could maintain a physical relationship with a married man. He made me feel pretty and sexy and he became my drug of choice. It didn’t work.
I found out recently that he views me as the slut and he only has real relationships with “good” girls.
I took a trip to MX last year and when I came home my borrowed man told me his wife had thrown him out. She never found out about his cheating (thank goodness) but she threw him out because he is a bully.
I did not pressure him into a real relationship with me, in fact I backed off so he could have time to grieve his loss. While I was doing the right thing and letting him get his bearings another woman stepped in. This man has a weakness for very young women (young enough to be his daughter or granddaughter) and he moved in with a coworker of his immediately. He did not have the nerve to tell me, he let me find out from another. He continued to come around looking for sex but once I found out he was living with another I realized it hurt. It wasn’t supposed to hurt because I wasn’t supposed to be emotionally involved.
Guess what? It has been a year and I find myself stuck. I can’t seem to move past his treatment of me. He continues to badger me and wants to be buddies. I finally told him that he must leave me alone or I will spill the beans. He is mixing his job and his sex life and those two don’t mix well.
The bottom line is “Do no harm” and I harmed myself by getting physically involved with this man. I was able to tell myself during the affair that I was not involved and he could not hurt me. Boy, was I wrong!! I got my comeuppance and I realize I deserve it. Don’t sell yourself short, you deserve a real partner not leftovers.

Hi Anyone,

Just don’t be party to any “Badness/Evil” in the world. It’s not hard. You don’t have to feed, shelter, clothe or love his kids. Just don’t be party to/support him leaving them.

Something inside you (that would be a conscience) said, “Hey, something about this situation really, really bothers me. I know! Let’s go online and ask random strangers if I’m crazy!” And everyone (even the diplomatic one, hi Anita! 🙂 ) said, “No, you’re not crazy, this is wrong, this is not best for you.”

It seems like you’re doing a lot of work justifying what is wrong. What is right needs no justification.

Leave the family alone,

Inky

Dear Anyone, just imagine if you are a married woman with children, would you want another woman or women to come into your marriage? I always believed in what goes around comes around. I hope my reply is not offensive but is just my two cents worth of opinion. I pray that you will meet someone that you truly loves and that he is able to commit to you wholly. May Buddha bless you always.

Hugs,
Emma