November 10, 2015 at 7:55 am #87145
The Beatles song: “All you need is love” well, true. We need love so very much from the very beginning. To love and be loved. I can read your personal need to love and be loved, to experience those good, good feelings. Here is my thought, and try and bear with me, because I am thinking it might appear that I am over complicating things but I don’t think I am:
What do you feel about your need to love and be loved? Specifically, what do you feel about your need to BE LOVED? Do you feel it is a weakness of yours? I am asking because of your comment sometime earlier on this thread. You wrote that you had an abusive marriage and added something like: Do not pity me. As if you were saying to yourself that to share your hurt is not acceptable, as if a voice in your head was negatively criticizing you, saying sarcastically to you: Oh, poor you, poor you, don’t try to get pity from others….
What do you feel about sharing your hurts… I think this is relevant and… waiting for your input here.
anitaNovember 12, 2015 at 1:46 am #87258AnyoneParticipant
You’re right Anita. Failure in the past has made me believe and think that it’s wrong to need love. I have got used to provide everything by myself so much that it feels wrong to be needing love. And so I consider it as a weakness because I know I cannot live without it. I feel like begging to the person in relation. Probably if it is the right person, I won’t get that feeling.
For now, it’s getting difficult to focus on my career and goals. When you get hit at heart, your mind stops working. I feel low or stressed most of the times. I came to spend few days with my family. It feels better here but I know what it will be like the moment I go back.November 12, 2015 at 7:56 am #87271
You believe inside you that it is wrong to need love. Tell me more about that…when did it start? How? Why?
This kind of probing as in the question I asked above can be very helpful, to probe, to find out- lots of potential power in insight, in understanding how one’s beliefs came about.
anitaNovember 14, 2015 at 5:00 pm #87490AnyoneParticipant
It was when I left my city for higher studies that I fell for my ex then. After sometime my mom once said that she guessed I would go for love marriage since I ‘need’ some person all the time.
So then I started taming my mind that I can be alone, and alongside the message that I don’t need anybody. I can be on my own (without love).November 14, 2015 at 7:42 pm #87495
I didn’t understand much about your post above, what your mother told you.
Your need for love is not a weakness. Everyone needs love. You are born needing love. You got to look at it as weakness, maybe be disgusted with your need for love only because you didn’t get it. You needed it SO MUCH that not having it felt SO VERY BAD. So you thought it is needing love that feels bad. In reality it is the not experiencing love that feels bad.
It is not the needing love that feels so bad. It is not experiencing love that feels so bad.
So you don’t fix the needing, you fix the not experiencing love.
Maybe you grew up without love. Now you need it from a man. But you don’t want to need it so you convinced yourself that the little you can get from a married man is all that you need, not much, just a little; not love, just companionship.
You unknowingly lied to yourself. You are trying not to need love, this is why you chose a married man.
This is what, I believe, you have to face: the fact that you need love, that it is OKAY to need love.
And then you choose a man who can love you, at least choose a man that will maximize your chances to experience lasting love. A man who is not married, who is single and available and who is honest with you and with other significant people in his life, this kind of man is where you have better chances to experience the love you need.
anitaFebruary 11, 2017 at 8:13 am #127239DuParticipant
I have a similar concern.. I met this guy on social media.. He was d one to initiate the conversation.. V had really deep conversations and towards d end I started liking him..v decided to meet and it was jus a normal friendly meeting.. I’ve been single for 1.5 years now..and I really like this guy..he is 27 and I’m 21..the age difference is one issue here for us..he has had failed relationships and that’s why doesn’t want to commit to me..this is his second reason.. Knowing everything I still gave in.. I have started getting strong feelings for him and I’m not sure if he feels d same..he says that v can never hav a future as he has left d decision of marriage up to his parents.. I am also not sure whether I really want a serious relationship from him or not.. But he telling me already that there’s no scope is hurting me a lot.. I don’t want such a “relationship” but I can’t go away from him too.. Is there any scope for our relationship to workout? Or will this just be a casual one??February 11, 2017 at 8:23 am #127240
You wrote that the guy said that he gave his parents the choice and power over his future marriage- so it is up to his parents. Did you meet his parents? If his parents are interested in you as their son’s future wife, then you may become his wife, if you agree to it. If his parents never met you and/ or are not interested in you as their son’s future wife- then you will not be his future wife.
anitaFebruary 12, 2017 at 8:54 pm #127300TriangleSunParticipant
I have only one thing to say and that is “put yourself in his wife’s shoes” and I think everything will fall into place. What he’s doing now to her will happen to you. Good luck.