fbpx
Menu

In a temporary relationship. To be or not to be?

HomeForumsEmotional MasteryIn a temporary relationship. To be or not to be?

New Reply
Viewing 15 posts - 16 through 30 (of 38 total)
  • Author
    Posts
  • #78318
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear julia888:
    i don’t know if Anyone is following this- I thought I will reply to your comment, being interested in examining this further, hoping you and/ or any reader may be interested in doing so.

    I agree with your thinking and feeling about this topic, julia888. And I want to ask you: let’s say Anyone has suffered greatly having been abused by someone, maybe a parent, maybe her abuse was ignored by her whole family. Maybe she observed that they did not suffer while she suffered- that her abuser felt better after avbusing her. I am guessing here- maybe she continued to have relationships as an adult where wrong was done to her here and there and maybe she even tried to do “the right thing” and was mistreated or ignored anyway. Maybe her experience was that bad people do not get what is coming to them and doing the right thing does not bring you good results and she eventually figured: what the heck? What is the point?

    IF that was the case, if that was her input- how would you respond to her then? What will you write?
    anita

    #78507
    jdkm
    Participant

    Hi there,

    I read this thread and everyone raises very vlaid points – I’m in somewhat of a similar situation (even though the guy is not married or has kids) so I can’t offer advice to Anyone right now. However I did want to point out that although Julia, you or someone close to you might have felt that pain you described, and that would make your feedback completely understandable.

    But, I think it’s unfair to put that weight on Anyone’s shoulders. When it comes down to it, it is the man who made promises to his wife, and I believe he has the responsibility to not hurt her. I think Anyone is actually being very considerate in thiking about the consequences of her actions – to herself and others. This is her decision to make, but I strongly do not believe that she should be called selfish – the only one who is being selfish, in my opinion is the man. When two people get married they promise their lives to each other, they do not however bind everyone else around them to stay away from either member of the couple. It is the couple’s responsibility to stick to their promises.

    Again, I am not advising for or against either outcome, I just believe that Anyone deserves support rather than judgement. I hope this doesn’t upset anyone as that was not the intention.

    #87059
    Anyone
    Participant

    Guys,

    Thank you for your support. I’m crying as I read the recent posts.

    I have been through an abusive, manipulative and a relation full of torture. Please don’t pity me, that’s the last thing I would want. I prefer to stay strong and responsible for my own self and my life.

    Of late, I have come to believe in destiny, until now I only focused on my efforts towards my goals, be it career or relationship.

    So, this relation with married man was like… I was a happy part of his sad life and it seemed it would remain so.
    Why did I go for it is because in my perspective if a marriage of 15 years was suffocating for more than 12 years with bare minimum communication and fights should have a better direction for everyone involved in it to be happy, be it the couple or the kids. I never meant to break anything and wouldn’t do so.

    I broke this relation yesterday after a lot of back and forth. And I take away the learning it gave. It was pulling my self-esteem down. Every day!

    Thank you all for being there and listening to me. I got nobody else to share this story, it’s shameful and people judge, even friends.

    Sending love!

    #87062
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Anyone:

    Welcome back to your thread! I appreciate you coming back to it after so many months. The great majority of people who start threads abandon their threads right away or soon after, never to return.

    I re-read most of the thread just now. It is interesting to me. This is what comes to my mind just now:

    People assume right away that a woman having an affair with a married man is hurting the man’s marriage and the kids in that marriage. Now, don’t get me wrong: I am against having an affair with a married man/ woman. Absolutely and completely. Still, I am examining reality: a woman having an affair with a married man is not necessarily hurting the man’s wife and children. It is possible that the married man is such an… evil man, that his time spent with the girlfriend FREES his wife and children from his abusive presence. It is possible that as the man is occupied with the other woman or women, his wife is relieved and so are his children. In that case, the woman having the affair is providing a much needed relief to the wife and children, and so she is HELPING them. She may even provide the wife with time and calm so to do what she needs to do and end that marriage, distant her kids from their abusive father.

    I wouldn’t assume that the married man is otherwise a good husband and father that if it wasn’t for women willing to have affairs with him, he would be acting as a loving husband and father.

    Of course, I wouldn’t recommend having an affair with a married man for the purpose of preventing him from abusing his wife and children, if that was the case. I can’t think of it being right no matter what.

    Anyone, I would very much like to read how that relationship with the married man pulled down your self esteem. I would like to read about the nature of that relationship you had with him: how did it work FOR you, for how long, in what ways? How did it not? How was it different than what you expected? Did that relationship change your attitude about having an affair with another married man in the future? What have you learned from the experience?

    Once again, it is unusual for a thread starter to come back after so many months and I think you can contribute A LOT to my and others’ understanding in this unique opportunity. The opportunity is: here you are back before and after the affair- please, teach us what you learned. I would be grateful if you do attempt to answer my questions. My motivation is to LEARN. There will be no negative criticism on my part if you answer and post again, that is a promise.

    Thank you for returning to this thread!

    anita

    #87068
    Anyone
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    Hope you’re doing well.

    So the start of the relation was uncertain. I wanted to try out dating or a new relation after my divorce from an abusive husband.

    And this man proved to be very respectful, absolutely non manipulative, took care of what all I would like, took out time to come and see me even if it’s for say 15 minutes. Basically, everything opposite of what I had in my marriage. And all his actions suggested he wants more than a sexual relationship. And we really had good times together. We both are introverts and like to enjoy each other’s company rather than being surrounded in a social gathering (which he missed to have in his marriage). He didn’t want kids but he wants to be a good father.

    Companionship, is what we had. From morning walks, playing badminton, going out for meals to sharing the bed. Everything was good provided it was feasible for him to be away from home. He would see me once a week and spend time on Saturdays since Sundays he gotta be with kids and fulfill the responsibilities. Slowly and gradually, we would be together only if it was feasible for HIM. I started having more wants.

    Couple of times, when I asked him what am I for him, he didn’t have an answer although he would say that he loves me. He even said that he won’t be able to come out of his marriage even though it isn’t working. I was badly hurt that day and chose to back off. Then he started making efforts to talk to his wife in order to come to a conclusion as to what they wanna do. They started having sessions with marriage counselor. He said he is serious about me. But of late, all this seemed to be a thing just to show to me that he is working on it. Give me time, is what he would say. Many other reasons including kids. And I became the secondary person. I would always be I guess. It got tough on me since I couldn’t call him when I needed to talk and stuffs like that.

    I know that we got along really well and I also know that he loves me. But if he really did, he would act upon doing justice to everyone including his wife, kids and me too. Which wasn’t done. So the only person happy here would be him. He would get everything he wanted at the time he wanted.

    He would say words like you’re always in my heart, which showed I will remain only in words! It pulled my self esteem down.

    Since we were compatible to a great extent, it went further and we got emotionally attached.

    It has given me a learning. A man who is bored of his marriage comes out only to have good times be it sex or companionship. If he really wants to break his non working marriage, he would first try to come out of it rather than looking for options outside. So, getting involved with a married man is a complete no no. You’ll only end up selling yourself short. It’s good to know where to pull the chain and pick yourself up. So I sobbed last couple of days, but I’m picking myself up. I hope he doesn’t come back to me. And even if he does, he better be sorted with his life first rather than pulling me in the jumble.

    I tried to break many times and each time he came asking for time. This phenomena would not change. I would often end up suffering and making myself understand that he cannot do it for me.

    Why would he come crying to me, rather he should go and resolve things at home, for everyone’s happiness.

    #87069
    Anyone
    Participant

    Another observation by talking to a friend is a man feels too much burden to be blamed by the society for coming out of the marriage and shunning the responsibilities of a father, husband, etc. So not necessarily that he loves his wife to not break the marriage. They just carry on to make it easier and don’t have to deal with lot of other stuffs. It’s easy, wake up, go out, live your life, come back home, have dinner and sleep. No need to act on anything.

    #87071
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Anyone:

    Thank you for the quick reply! I intend to re-read it and your previous posts repeatedly in the next day or a few days because I think there is a lot for me to learn and I want to learn more and more on second, third, etc. reading. Maybe others can learn too and maybe you can learn more as well, from re-examining the before-during and after the affair. This is exciting for me!

    So this is only my first response to the above. I re-read some of previous postings again. It seems to me that a big draw, attraction to the idea of the affair with this guy was your belief that he was respectful to you, honest, direct and straightforward with you, “no mind games” you wrote, no manipulations. That was your expectation. This is a big factor here, a huge factor in the draw to him in his situation.

    I suppose coming out of your abusive marriage, you felt (and indeed it was so) that your husband then was NOT respectful to you, NOT honest, direct or straightforward; he, your husband then did play mind games with you and he did manipulate you, and he did all those things in the context of the traditionally protected institution of marriage. He was your legal husband and he hurt you terribly.

    Coming out of that, you figured: I want something DIFFERENT. And understandably so. Of course you wanted something different, someone respectful of you, honest, etc. You figured, I am supposing, that a man who comes out and say, online, that he is married AND is looking for a relationship outside his marriage must be an honest man, after all he is putting it out there that he is married. He is not hiding it like many others do, he is not pretending to be single. He must be honest then. And you figure, he goes directly for what he wants, all clear and exposed and real, no mind games, no manipulation.

    So you assumed he was those things you were looking for: respectful (as respecting you enough to be honest and direct with you), etc.

    In addition to his straightforward advertising of his interests, you met him and you got the impression that indeed he was those things.

    You wrote in the last post: “Basically, everything opposite of what I had in my marriage.”

    * You also expected to not be emotionally invested in the relationship with him, that it would be okay with you, the temporary, no commitment nature of it, as far as not expecting continuity and living together with him, being okay with him staying with his wife and kids.

    In the last post above you wrote: “He even said that he won’t be able to come out of his marriage even though it isn’t working. I was badly hurt that day.”

    What this means to me is that you felt that day that he was not honest with you. I write this here because I understand that him being honest with you was the thing you most needed.

    But why would you be hurt about him saying he will not come out of his marriage when you did not expect him to before and thought it was okay with you, him being and staying married?

    I think it is because deep inside you, you detected his dishonesty, you detected that something was wrong in the honesty department. Somehow, you figured he did not honestly love you because if he did he would have wanted out of his marriage so to be with you. Am I correct? I think I am missing something here, in this last point.

    This is what I have so far (there will be more). Would love to get your feedback and thank you once again for being willing to share your experience here. I think it takes courage because even if you trust me to not negatively criticize you, you are exposing yourself to some others’ negative criticism.

    Feedback… more?

    anita

    #87072
    Anyone
    Participant

    I agree on all the differences you mentioned between ex-husband and this man and the reasons to be with him.

    From my perspective, I knew that if we are compatible enough, we will get emotionally involved. But I wanted to try it out with basic needs I had initially. And since I was out of a bad relationship, I was aware I need to pull back the moment it makes me suffer. So I went ahead and gave it a try. The bad side of me is until I try I don’t realize how it will end up. I knew the feedback from everyone here on the post is valid but it wasn’t fitting my mindset then.

    And being a woman, I do get emotionally involved pretty soon. Having said that, it should also justify the pain it gives. If the pain is more than the love you receive, it sends an alarm as to if it is really Love?

    And well, although he was honest with me, on one hand he said he loves me, on the other hand he lingers to make an effort to change the situation. It doesn’t gel, does it? Call it lame or coward, it is his choice of life and I disagree to continue like that. I deserve better.

    Why was I hurt? Because if he didn’t say all the good words a person would say in a love relationship I could understand that it was all practical. Why would one say, you’re everything I want and yet not change anything. I wish I met you years ago, you’re too good to be true, etc. All these words didn’t match his actions. I’m not sure if it was his dishonesty but I guess a human tends to be selfish and he wanted best of both worlds at the cost of my happiness. He would feel guilty every night to be far from me, to see me suffering. What kind of love is that and what do I do with the pity or guilt?

    #87074
    Anyone
    Participant

    I admit that I started developing feelings for him. And so everything he did had a good or bad, haply or sad effect on me.

    I didn’t expect any feelings from him. When he started saying I love you and looking for an apartment to get separated, I thought wow this man really loves me. But when it is time to really do it, that’s when you know how true he can stand by his words.

    He would spend time, money, shower love, respect and care for me, could I ask for more? It made me go for it.

    Aah… Another red alert is when a guy pushes you to go far from him as in in terms of career choices or otherwise to follow your dreams and wants, it says he likes you but doesn’t want you to stick around him. He pushed me to take my career to the next level the first time we met.

    #87078
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Anyone:

    I am so pleased you keep writing! My last post to you was before I read the 9:30 am post and just now I read the last two. More of my thinking: it seems to me that what you wanted most of all from that man you had the affair with, more than honesty, more than anything, was LOVE. Of course, I am not surprised. To love and be loved… this was the deepest motivation on your part: to be loved. I see that clearly. You wrote months ago that you were considering having an affair with him because you didn’t want to get emotionally involved, that you didn’t want to live under the same roof with a man, that you just wanted companionship and sexual relations and a change in your schedule…

    But you did want all those things you wrote you didn’t want. You wanted his honesty AND his love. Remember you wrote months ago that he told you that he loved you, very early on. I thought that was something you didn’t like because you didn’t want to get emotionally involved. Now I am thinking that was an attraction: you did want him to love you from the very beginning.

    His actions did not match his words you wrote above. His words were: “you’re everything I want…I wish I met you years ago, you’re too good to be true, etc” Intoxicating words, making you feel special, like the center of his world… only by his actions, you figured you were not, practically, really, the center of his world.

    There is more, but more thoughts, feedback by you so far…?

    anita

    #87093
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Anyone:

    I was thinking and made a note to myself, then I thought I’ll share it with you and ask what you think. I was thinking as a result of writing the above that

    As a child all I needed, all you needed, all any child needs is to be seen, noticed, comforted when scared, noticed when sad, have our hand held, our bodies gently hugged… we need eyes looking at us with warmth, approval, acceptance, making us feel, letting us know that we are okay just as we are, just as we feel.

    When we don’t get those “little things” we develop a great need, an intense need to be loved, so great, so hungry that we want the “big things” to believe we are loved. We no longer notice the small things, or even look for them.

    Suddenly we want a man to make us the center of his world… want a man to change his whole life as PROOF that he loves us, maybe to divorce his wife and leave his kids and make a home for us. That will be the BIG thing, the proof.

    But it never will be, because all we ever needed were the “little things”- to be seen, heard, to be listened to, that was EVERYTHING then, when we were children. Those were never little things. They became little only in comparison to how deeply hurt we got from not getting those things.

    I sure hope I am making sense to you… let me know if I do. I still think I have more to learn, and maybe you too. Maybe if you learn what you need to learn, maybe you can get what you need…

    anita

    #87097
    Anyone
    Participant

    As of now, my state of mind is: I know I want to be loved by someone in a relation.

    Will it ever happen? Or will I wake up everyday alone? Will I ever get a worthy person to share my life? 🙁

    I live alone, and I got nobody to listen to me or hug me.. It’s tough!

    #87098
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Anyone:

    I understand. I like your question there, not asked of me, I know: “Will I ever get a WORTHY person to share my life?” That is key, worthy. There is something you can do here, on this thread toward your goal, to share your life with someone worthy- here, on this very thread. I mean it. You can, here, share more about yourself, share your deepest self, change figuratively from (your user name)- change from being just Anyone to being Someone, someone worthy, special, lovable. You are those things, tell us more about that Someone…

    You may be focused on: I WANT A MAN HERE NOW, and think: what is the point on writing on this tread…? Well, you don’t have a man right now to listen to you but I am here to listen, others too, others who may care and be kind, but I am for sure. So that’s the best you do have right now…So, do tell how you feel, what you think, what you wish…. and what kind of love do you dream you had, what kind of man, what will the love look like, sound like???

    anita

    #87114
    Anyone
    Participant

    Thank you, Anita, for being there! Kisses and hugs!

    Well, I want a man who would be caring, respectful, has similar likes so that we enjoy doing things together. (Shit, I liked him so much. He would play with me, do everything with me. He was in love. But alas, it had to end). Sigh! Anyways…

    I want to create good memories, more and more good times.

    Someone who’s been successful in his life, knows what he wants and works towards it. Honest, straightforward, no mind games, believes in live and let others live.

    More to come…

    #87121
    Anyone
    Participant

    When I get back home, I feel sad. I miss him.

    Sometimes, it’s funny how somethings that we know wouldn’t work and still the heart falls for it. And makes us cry.

    I miss him. I miss the love, caress, togetherness, everything…

    I want to be in a relation, but a friend suggested to enjoy life as it is and not to hurry and settle for just any person. To let the time come and I’ll find the right person.

    Any suggestions?

Viewing 15 posts - 16 through 30 (of 38 total)

You must be logged in to reply to this topic. Please log in OR register.