P. S. Sorry for my typos above, running late for Dr’s appt.

Hi Michael,

My story is very similar to yours,different in my early childhood, but the same as far as moving from country to country, state to state. I had six siblings. Our mother was an Alcoholic. We had a very traumatic, abusive, and severely neglectful early childhood. She would go on drinking binges, leaving us alone for days. We had a nanny who my Father hired, who we loved very much, and we loved in return. My earliest experience of loss began with my mother who was unable to give us the love, nurturing and care we needed. All she cared about was getting her next drink. My father would put her in rehab and hospitals but back in the 60’s not much was done with the help of Alcololism and awareness. She would just run away and to the nearest bar.

My Dad was a Harvard Graduate, a very succesful man, but he had to travel extensively for business as he was CEO for a huge paper company. I was born in Miami, Florida, two years later, moved to Boston, one year later, moved to Alicante, Spain. At this time..my Dad came home very upset to see that my Mother had fired the nanny, and we were all left alone. No food, nothing. We were taken away from the courts.

My father’s sister and her husband came to love me, and became my foster parents. But I missed Annabelle terribly. (The nanny). We then moved to Kingston, Jamaica where I had to learn to speak English to get into first grade. My older brother lived with us, whom I was very close to, my Aunt and Uncle loved him very much too, but one day, my mother flew to Jamaica drunk, accusing them of kidnapping right before the adoption of him went through and she lied and said she met a rich man with a huge house and he would be taken care of. She told them she did not want me. They became my Foster parents. That was my other loss, I did not speak to anyone for months after David left. My other siblings went to live with their real fathers. David had it not so good. He got put in a foster home. There was no “rich man” no “big house” the foster home asked if he knew my Aunt and Uncle’s address and phone number in Jamaica and he did not. I never saw him again until I was 16. My great Aunt finally found him at the age of 13 at the foster home and raised him. We were transfered around after Jamaica and by the time I was 16, lived in 8 more States and 2 more countries. I had no roots, no real friends.

I became very troubled as a teen, and my Aunt and Uncle had enough and put me in a boarding school in Florida. I sat there alone on my suitcase crying. I had no one. My real father came and got me at the age of 17, and I I lived with him, but we fought, mostly because I was very troubled and unhappy.

I too have never been able to maintain a long term relationship. Do you think it is because of all the loss you had, no roots, and moving around so much? I know mine is that problem. I am in therapy for that now. I feel I have some invisible sign on me saying “I’m alone, no family, few friends, no roots”. Maybe men pick up on that, I don’t know the answer. I wish I did. I just wanted to share you are not alone. I also miss my beloved cats. I can’t have them where I live now. They were my only family.

Hi Heartbrokengirl,

I would not break up just because someone gets overwhemed and stressed and withdraws. Many people do this, as it is their coping mechanism. I too get overwhelmed easily, but it is because I have ADHD, and people know it’s best to leave me alone, as it soon passes. He may have this, or may not want to”bother you” with problems. Men are taught not to show emotions and to be strong. If he is doing everything else great in the relationship, I would not let him go. He may not know how to communicate difficult feelings and does not mean to push you away. x

Hi Gagan,

It’s makes me a little perplexed that although she doesn’t want “to get back with you” that she is sitting on your bed. Like she is having a pity party for you, oh..just “checking on you” like you are some puppy, playing with your feelings, on your bed, saying how happy she is on your bed. Couldn’t she have done this by e-mail or phone instead of leading you on, sitting on your bed..how would her boyfriend feel about that? Not good I would expect.

I would break off all contact completely with this woman,you have done all you can. Wish her well. Don’t be friends. At this time, it is best while emotionally charged and will only cause you distress to talk or see her anymore and prolong your suffering. I’m sorry this happened.

Hi Heartbrokengirl,

Can you share a little more about the fight you had? How did it come about? Do you both fight often? Do you think that the fighting is starting to drain him emotionally? To where he is withdrawing? How long have you been together?

You said he had some “inner struggles” he is dealing with. How is he coping? Can you share a little more about the struggles, and how it might be affecting the relationship?

Hi Gagan,

I am not sure what happened in your early childhood, it’s probably none of my business, but I go through the same experiences you are describing. I have severe abandonment issues and rejection as well. My mother being an Alcoholic would leave me and my siblings at a very early age alone at home while she went on drinking binges for days at a time. My father hired a nanny who my siblings and I loved very much, but my Mother became jealous and would fire her, while my Father was away traveling for his business. I would scream and beg and have a temper tantrum when my Father left, knowing I would be alone again. He was perplexed having no idea my mother would fire the Nanny and was horrified to come one day to find us living in filth, no good..nothing. We were taking taken away from my mother by the courts.

Because of the constant abandonment, I find myself leaving people before they leave me. Do you think this may be a reason you have pushed your two exes away?

Hi Gagan,

Do you really know if she is *actually* gone? Have you spoken to her since her marriage? Is she as happy with this man, I wonder if she was with you? Maybe all is not lost. It seemed like she cared and possibly loved you very much. You never know, may be she may be thinking about you, and may not be happy with this man. There is still hope. Is there anyway you can invite her out (as friends) and see how she is doing? Take things from there?

Hi Kayla,

I’m really sorry to hear what you must be going through. Is there anyway you can join a supportive (face to face) network with other single Moms? Sometimes it helps, when people can support each other when faced with a particular situation such as divorce, grief, being a single Mom, etc. Also, is there any way you can consider going back on Antidepressants? Even just temporarily, and Anti-anxietu medications? Sometimes, that will give you the motivation you need to talk to people. The worst thing right now, is to go through this alone.

As far as that man, instead of texting which can be a bit impersonal and distant, is there anyway you can call him, and invite him out for a cup of coffee? Things seemed to be going so well, before you went on vacation, maybe he got sad that you didn’t call him while you were on vacation, and he took it as a sign of not caring. Some people can be like that. Or maybe he thought you took someone on vacation with you, maybe another man, etc. I would chalk it up to a lack of communication or a simple misunderstanding. Try to take it one day at a time. It will get better. Do nice things for yourself. Try to find something to look forward to, perhaps an online dating site, or if you like animals, volunteer at your local animal sanctuary, maybe join a book club, or go to a local dog park. I have met lots of men doing this. Take a nice bubble bath, listen to some soothing music, watch something funny on TV. Try to distract yourself. Each day will get a little better. x