Hi Lotus Love,

It is human nature, that men and women, even in relationships will look at attractive people. It’s just that “looking, glancing” nothing more. As long as it goes no further than that. This can be done in person, or on Social media. However, it is unacceptable for him to have a video/picture of innapropriate content of his ex. It’s immature and shows a lack of respect for women, his ex and you. As soon as he got it, he should have deleted it.

Hi Rich,

I can relate about the pain, and the helplessness it can create. I too turned everywhere to make myself feel better, and painful emotions just kept resurfacing no matter how hard I tried. When I was getting my BA in Psychology, one of my Professors was very much into “emotion regulation” and he brought up a new drug (at that time) called Topamax. He said it helps people deal more effectively when they are in therapy or are really struggling. I would see a homeless cat, and just start sobbing, it would just create horrible emotions in me perhaps because I could relate to the car and suffering although I have repressed alot, seeing a homeless animal or person sent me in a tailspin, and I would call my friend, they would not get sad like I did and I would lash out at them telling them “they had a small heart” how could they not be sad hearing about a hungry and cold cat? That’s when I knew I had to give in to my pride and go on medication.

Since you are in the Psychology and counseling profession, I was wondering if you have ever considered medication, for emotion regulation to help you with painful thoughts, traumatic events and emotions? Since being on Topamax, seeing a homeless animal or person in need no longer sends me into despair. Just some thoughts..

Hi Rich,

Just quiet your mind right now. You don’t have to have all the answers at this moment. Just know that you are in therapy, and your Mom gave you alot of information, that put your mind on “overload”. None of this you knew about and hearing about this, probably just put you into a “detached” mode, it’s just our minds defense mechanism, just like I repressed so many things as a child, I don’t want to know all the terrible things my Mom did to me. I guess for one, she had me, so in that way she did the best she could. The Alcohol took over, she had six children.

I think many times, my Dad would start to tell me something about her, but would change his mind and say “your mother was the best dancer/choreographer” “she was a great Model” “She made the best scrambled eggs”. Once he told me she treated me horribly, but I would change the subject. When I have a negative emotion, I take out a picture of where she drove 50 miles to a portrait studio in South Miami. She did this twice. A beautiful picture of her holding me as a baby. In that picture, she was holding me tenderly, and what appeared to be with love. The other picture was when I was about three, I was standing on her lap, looking down on my brother accordingly as we were very close and she was tenderly looking downwards at the both of us, with what appeared love. Maybe that was before the Alcohol took over.

I guess what I’m saying is don’t beat up on yourself or try to figure it all out. You will have alot of conflicting emotions, anxiety..but don’t get swept away by them, because thoughts are just that. Thoughts. Be patient with yourself, be still. Post on here. Writing things down makes one feel better.

Hi Halle,

I understand your frustration, is this something he does all the time? Where he has plans with you and changes them? Sometimes, we all reach “out tolerance” until we think “enough!” which may be happening in your case. You say he treats you well, in others areas of the relationship, however, a key to an effective relationship is not having resentment, which is what you are experiencing right now, in turn the resentment turns into anxiety and manifests into anger outbursts, because you can only “stuff” your feelings for so long.

Many men, like their space and like doing things with their friends. Is there anyway, that when this happens, you can make plans with your friends so you are not sitting home alone seething and angry. Show him you have a life “outside” of him, and you don’t need to be constantly with him “to be happy” show him your strong independent side. Maybe take up some hobbies or outside interests, volunteer, etc so that your life and world does not revolve around him. Men like strong independent woman, and don’t like that “being smothered” feeling.

However, if he does this on a continuous basis, ask him if you can come along? Why not? Why does he always leave you out? Making plans with you then cancelling is a sign of disrespect for you and your relationship and is a red flag. I would sit down and talk to him and tell him how this makes you feel. If he gets defensive or continues to disrespect you, it may be time to re-evaluate the relationship. Keep us posted.

Hi Priyanka,

I too have met many men on Facebook and Google plus, another social media site. Some have lived in United States, others have lived in Iraq, Egypt, India, Turkey, etc. It has never worked out. Long distance relationships, especially online are extremely draining and complicated. It starts off great at first, almost too good to be true, but about three to six months later it fizzles out. I live in Ohio, and most certainly a man is not going to move me overseas to Iraq, or Texas, or pack up and leave his family or children (if he has any) to move closer to you.

Many of these men, are usually not who they say they are. They come off very sincere and convincing, like you are the “most beautiful girl in the world” or their long lost “soul mate” but it’s all just to “woo you”. Many of these men are Catphishing or Scammers (411 Nigerian Scam) that has been on the news alot. You can Google it if you want or go to romancescammers dot com. For more information. Many of these man will lie and say they are “single” when they are married. Or they may be cheating. You just never know.

Best to meet a man on a reputable dating site like match that has been around for decades. My friends have found their spouses on these sites. Or find someone through a shared hobby or interest, church, etc. Best to meet someone locally then social media.

Hi Dreaming,

It sounds like she has unresolved Borderline issues, or other personality self-harming/lashing out at people, but like you said, if not treated very unhealthy.  You don’t have to “officially end” the relationship, since you both met online. You can choose to not return her calls, texts or e-mails. If she calls, politely tell her you are walking out the door, that’s all you have to say and end the conversation. Have no more contact with her via the online support group. If you would rather end it by talking, just say, you feel you do not feel you are compatible, but be prepared as she may get very argumentative and lash out. Best thing to do, is just end all contact, soon she will get the message. I’m sorry this happened.

Hi Jonathan,

Thank you for sharing that, a very excellent quote. Sometimes, I wish I just had as “great of a present” that I did in the 70’s 80’s and 90’s.

Hi Sushant,

I read your post, and I am sorry to hear the losses you have gone through. I too lost the only family I had left, my Dad, in 2008. He died at age 89, due to congestive heart failure. What’s sad, is that his “family” my 1/2 brothers who have really never talked to me, and my Aunt and Uncle who raised me, never told me, he was in a coma in a hospital. At the time, I was working in Cincinnati, (he had an office here) but lived in Sarasota, Florida. Their reason, they never told me? They said they did not have my address or phone number (all lies) his wife was always mean to me, she just did not want me there.

I thought he had been travelling, as he still worked up until the day he died. We were very close and talked three times a week, so I started getting worried about him, my calls never returned. I sent him a beautiful card. About 2 months later I get a cold letter from my Aunt and Uncle’s Daughter, that he had passed. I never got to say bye to him, hold his hand or go to his funeral. I have not been the same since his death and the loss of my beloved cats. I do have family who could care less about me. So, it’s just me and 2 friends. I wanted to share that with you, knowing that there is someone out there that can relate. I miss my Dad so much.

Now, onto your post, I’m very confused..as you talk About a very strong emotional attachment to a woman, yet you are married, and you did not say anything about any kind of attachment or emotional bonding with your wife. The feelings you describe of this woman friend who doesn’t seem to care, are feekings, I think one should describe about their wife. Your thoughts?