Hi Ananya

I can understand were you are coming from, I was married too and my ex husband cheated on me, he was an alcoholic, I use to fear him so much I would barricade the door with furniture to keep him away at night. We have been divorced for 15yrs and I still carry this scars with me until today, I have dated other guys after my divorce, I also have this fear in me that I want to control the relationship, My last relationship has just ended after 5yrs together, im very hurt, but I guess we blame ourselves sometimes too much when things don’t work out, there must be some reasons for you to feel distrustful of your Boyfriend?

I would blame myself too, but when there is trust issues its not easy to feel free in a relationship. Please don’t be too hard on yourself, you have ask him for forgiveness, and want to make things better, I feel maybe it will be good for you to have some counseling as its not easy to get rid of these feelings on our own, some scars run too deep.
When I was with my ex we use to fight a lot, I felt very insecure, small things will bring on a big arguments and I would say some very harsh words to him too, which later on I would regret, mostly these things happen cause my ex was hiding stuff from me, he was somehow secretive, and this would bring back all those negative feelings from my past.
I feel this is what is happening to u, you feel betrayed when you boyfriend is not open with you, it brings on all sorts of feelings of anger and rejections.

Please try and focus on yourself for a few days and give both of you some space, right now you are hurting cause you want your relationship to be as it was before the argument, give it a few days and have a heart to heart conversation with him, explain yourself and ask him for his help so you can slowly overcome those negative feelings, from what you say he sounds like a kind person, if he truly loves u he will understand and give you the help you need.

Remember God is never angry with us even when we are angry with God, for God loves us no matter how messed up we are, we seek His forgiveness and he forgives us, God never holds grudges and is always merciful, keep praying and God will guide you.

Have a nice day sis

Bernie.

Edlin

Reading your last mail reminds me so much of how my ex use to treat me, he would say exactly the same things to me, looking back he was making it as if hes the only man on this planet, and stupid of me for staying with him for so long…

Yes u are far too young to be in these kind of relationship, you should be out there enjoying your life, not thinking about that ex. Good luck to this new girl, im sure she will eventually see what kind of guy he is, now everything is new he will be on his best behavior, she will soon find out…

Which reminds me when I met my now Ex…. he was so sweet and kind, after a few weeks of dating I met his ex wife in town, shes someone I know, we talked and she told me why she left my ex after 10yrs of marriage, I didn’t believe her then, but after some months, that lady was soooo right, he started to show his true colours, and everything fell into place, honestly I thought he would change, little did I know I was the one who was gonna change to try and adapt myself to his ways. I just made myself so unhappy and my personality changed too, I became, argumentative, naggin all the time cause of things he wasn’t doing to help me, Just like what u said, I was blaming myself big time, I thought the problem was with me, but families and people who are close to me could see he was the problem…
Its a good thing you have stopped textin , hes not worth it and dont waste your time and calls on him, when things are like this he will do his best to upset u every way he can, guys like that don’t even care, u said he aint no respect for him own mother, that’s crazy, move on girl, plz.

from what u said in your mail, he sounds very childish too, if someones cheat on him he cheats on them back? that’s madness, shows hes very immature. If I were u I would concentrate on my studies, family, friends, please don’t hang around with his family, it will not help u to move on, keep around your own family, its a good thing not to have any contact, u will just be stuck with bad feelings and guys like this will take every opportunity to crush u down..

I keep thinking the same that I will not find someone like him, that’s because we are so use to their crap and its become a habit, its just a low self esteem thing and no confidence that’s playing on the mind, im sure u are a very beautiful young lady and once you are over this situation you will meet someone whos gonna treat you with love and respect.
Both my sisters are married to guys who don’t run away or break ups with them when they have a relationship problem, they stay and work things out and have been married for over a decade, I only meet guys who blames me for everything and messes up with my head. Honestly I want to take a break from dating and spend time with myself.

Oh and that other girl your bf is seeing???, I have a feeling he is doing that to make u feel even lowest, he knows its gonna hurt when u find out, please don’t give a damn, its his business, u have your life to live..It sure is a rebound thing.He just needs to prove to everyone that he can pull other chicks and its an ego thing, good luck to them, cause it shows they never really cared about in the first place.
the reason u are not out looking for a replacement says a lot in itself, cause u did give a damn about him… so count yourself lucky girl, cause if u had married this douche, surely it would have been worse than what u are feeling now, for me stuff like that are reason enough for me to never ever turn back, cause if u are with a guy and the minute u break up hes got another chick on their arms says a lot……..I would not walk I would run for my life.

Anytime that me and my ex had broken up I have not seen or heard that hes seeing anyone else, we live like 1mile apart, same area. I wont put my life on it thou, cause some guys are very secretive, but no ones said anything to me tho, but that doesn’t excuse the fact that if he truly cared about me he would be there with me and not at his mums. My bf is not even 20, he is 45yrs old, surely he should be mature enough to sort out his life and not run to mum.

Edlin, you need a guy who wants to work out problems with u, not run away from u, or break up with u, all relationships have problems, but its how u handle the problems, especially men should know better, cause they are the head of the household, so at least show maturity, it explains that some guys want to be in a relationship but they don’t want to handle problems that comes from being in a relationship, they make it too easy for them to just cut it loose and move to the next available candidate, im not saying all guys are like that, I think its an ego thing for some guys, its ike them saying, if u don’t put up with what the way things are I move to the next one, shes ok with it…. until the other one also kicks them out then they gonna keep going back and forth, cause honestly some guys are so big headed that they think women are just an object, use and discard when not in need. A few of my friends have the same problem with their men, Guys that just want to take take take, and the women who just gives gives, its so sad, and sometimes it makes u wonder, why be in a relationship in the first place???

I wont give up hope when the time is right , cause I truly know there are some good man out there looking for a women to have a lovely relationship with.

take care and hope you are better.

I am in a somewhat similar situation, I cant help very much but all I can say is you are very hurt about the way things turn out and you are blaming yourself for what happened, I did that too, I think its the attachment we have to this person that blinds us from seeing the real problems of the relationship, there must have been a reason for the fight and the bitterness?
How would you feel if you tried to explain yourself, and someone keeps ignoring you? of course you will feel rejected and not respected, This is what he was doing to you.. My ex did the same to me, He just ignored me when I try to communicate about stuff that worries me in the relationship, I did get very bitter. And for quite sometime I believed I was the problem, and kept blaming myself.

Just know that you are not the reason for the break up. Don’t push him or run after him if he is not meeting you halfway, he will not respect you for it. He is finding excuses for not talking to you, leave it and look after yourself. Don’t try to bargain with someone who is not interested to listen.

Give yourself the space and break you deserve and do something constructive with this time by starting to care for yourself and put all your energy in loving you as the beautiful person that you are. Im sure when he sees that you don’t need him that much he will stop and think what you are upto, at the moment you are putting all your effort in thinking about the past and looking at only the rosy side of the relationship and thus will make you blame yourself even more.

Please put the dairy and other stuff that reminds you of him away, Go for walks and appreciate nature and do things to cheer you up,
Just know that you are not alone in this, I was feeling really down too, coming on this website has cheered me up immensely and have given me a new way to look at my life and the relationship I was in, for real I was blaming myself and was on the belief that I didn’t give it my best shot that I should have changed, that I should have been a better girlfriend, the list goes on and on, that kept me stuck,, I couldn’t see it for what it truly was, I was too busy trying to blind myself not seeing his faults and the reason for the breakup and make up, The communication had gone and the respect too and I was just holding on to something cause I was just scared to be on my own as for some reason he was my comfort even though he wasn’t showing any real effort to keep the relationship from falling apart and to try and work on our differences.
I have reminders of him everyday cause we use to live together for 5yrs, and did loads of things together, but this doesn’t stop me to think that if he truly appreciated what we had as a couple we would have still be together now. Best not to remind yourself cause it makes u feel down and its at this time that you want to blame yourself.
Please be kind to yourself and all the best.

B