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PeggyParticipantHi Kevin,
Thank you too.
Peggy
PeggyParticipantHi Peck,
Perhaps you need to share those strong emotions that have come up. Cry, laugh, shout, scream, swear, kick a ball, go for a run. You are in pain, nerves have been touched, honesty may have arrived. Ouch!
Growth is over-rated. I stopped doing it when I was about 18 and it hasn’t done me any harm. Let the ugly stuff come up and then release it forever. Ditch what you don’t need. If it doesn’t nurture you, let it go. Love’s the bit you keep.
Peggy
PeggyParticipantHi Peck,
So, you want to be noticed. You want to be valued. You want to be acknowledged in your true human form.
I’ve counted five people who have replied to you several times as a fellow human being reaching out for help and who wants a sip of the milk of human kindness. You can safely say that you have been acknowledged, that the issue you have is being treated seriously (you’ve been given worth) and there are lots of ways to get yourself noticed.
Friends They might not need me, but they might, I’ll let my head be just in sight, A smile as small as mine might be, Precisely their necessity.
The problem with long term relationships is that people become familiar with each other, they stop ‘looking’ at each other in the same way, they take each other for granted. It’s never the other person that has to change, it’s always ourselves.
If you really want the relationship with your wife to be more dynamic, then you need to be the dynamo.
Peggy
October 9, 2019 at 9:50 am in reply to: I’m in love with my best friend but he loves someone else. #316939PeggyParticipantHello Heena Love,
You say you’ve shared everything with your friend except the way he feels. He rarely expresses his feelings. This is not actually sharing. In one rare moment did he confess to loving someone else. Why are you travelling to see him every two weeks – this sounds very one way and if he’s moved on to love someone else, why would he accept your visits so frequently. Your language is very dramatic. He can’t possibly be everything to you and you can’t possibly love him more than life itself. This is far too much for any one person to accept from another. Take responsibility for yourself by learning to love yourself and then learn to love the life you have been given.
You are missing your friend – that’s all he is to you. He has limited himself to just being your friend which means you are limited to just being his friend.
Accept things as they are and begin to make new friends and broaden your interests. Devote your energies to new relationships with someone who does want to be your partner in romance and stop torturing yourself over this unrequited love.
Peggy
PeggyParticipantHi Peck,
People frequently select their partners through evaluating themselves in terms of attractiveness. Your partner, 20 years ago, probably felt that your attractiveness was on a par with hers. Your insecurities about your attractiveness, which you have always had, are now being projected onto your partner.
You have taken issue with some of her comments and she has agreed to refrain from making them in the future. The thing that is really bothering you is that she hasn’t actually said that she finds you attractive. This is grossly unfair considering that you don’t even find yourself attractive. Even if she told you how attractive you are, I doubt that you’d believe it because you’ve been giving yourself the opposite messages for so long.
I suggest that what is really going on here is that your sex life has dwindled and your brain has converted this into “she doesn’t fancy me any more – it’s because I’m unattractive”. I think this lack of passion in the bedroom is affecting you far more than you care to admit.
I’ve re-read your posts and only once did you use the word “love” and that was to say how it was faded and how her feelings must have changed or not been there strongly enough in the first place. Strangely enough, love is usually a very high priority for a woman. I wonder if, during all your lengthy, exhausting discussions, you thought to discuss what role love plays in a healthy, loving sex life.
Baldness is said to be a symbol of virility and do you really think you should be taking a comment made about a celebrity so seriously? You are not going to be able to change your looks without expensive surgery so there is nothing you can do but accept yourself as you are.
Peggy
PeggyParticipantHi Natalija,
It is my belief that the more time you invest in this person, the more reluctant you will be to leave. It seems to me that you are still very much fitting in with his situation. He has stated his intention to stay with his wife long term and, for some reason, you are refusing to take this at face value.
You don’t actually have any control over the current situation other than to walk away, which you have already stated is not something that you want to do. If you have a deep need for his adoration and you feel that it might be healing that part of you, then you will consider staying for this reason alone. It attracts and endears certainly in the short term.
I remember a conversation that happened between two men when I was in my teens. One of them referring to a colleague and his relationship with his wife remarked that “he kept her on a pedestal”. The second man retorted “he keeps her on a pedestal because it keeps her out of the way”. There is so much truth in that. Are you effectively being kept out of the way?
Peggy
PeggyParticipantHi Natalija,
It would be unthinkable to me to wait such a long time for a man to leave his wife and children with no guarantees at the end of it that he would be with me. How can there be? There might always be a situation at home that keeps him there. Although on the surface it all seems very caring and responsible, he won’t be the first man to hide behind his children instead of moving on with a new relationship. It seems to me that the only person who loses out by all of this is you.
My personal feelings around all of this is that I would make a hasty retreat and get out of there as fast as I could instead of wasting my time on someone who is unable to give any form of commitment to me. That would be my first consideration. If you don’t have an issue continuing with this relationship knowing what the deal is, then I don’t think you should wait any time at all for him to be comfortable with being intimate with you. Make that appointment today!
Best Wishes
Peggy
PeggyParticipantHi Vesper,
Your friend began the distancing through moving away and then cutting contact following disagreements. From what you have said, he is the one that began this process and you are having to respond accordingly. The fact that you have feelings for him has distracted you from the reality of the situation.
If he contacts you in the future to meet up when he’s home, then you can choose whether or not to do this. I think the nature of your friendship will have changed so in answer to your question, you are no more a bad friend than he is.
I hope this puts your mind at rest.
Peggy
PeggyParticipantHi Natalija,
I don’t know how your boyfriend is supposed to get past hurting whilst he is still living in the house with his wife. The children are old enough to know that their parents are sleeping in separate bedrooms. This is just prolonging the agony of separation for all concerned. The children will pick up on the atmosphere of home life and ultimately it will be detrimental for them.
Your boyfriend is suffering from anxiety which is making a sexual relationship difficult. I suggest he starts practising ways to reduce his anxiety levels and find somewhere new to live. If he doesn’t accept this as a way forward, then give some serious thought as to whether you want to be the one standing on the side lines waiting for time to pass and changes to happen.
Best Wishes
Peggy
PeggyParticipantHi Henley,
Firstly, take a step back from whatever is happening with your colleagues, calm yourself with a couple of deep breaths if you need to and then ask the question “I hope it’s nothing I’ve said or done?”. You’ll know from the reply whether or not if’s your fault and if necessary you will have the opportunity to apologize or make amends in some way. “What’s going on. I can sense tension around me.” might be another opening where you can put your mind at rest that whatever is wrong has nothing to do with you.
It might take some courage initially but very soon you will reap the benefits and cease to worry about things unnecessarily.
Best wishes
Peggy
PeggyParticipantHiK,
Thank you for your lovely reply.
Peggy
PeggyParticipantHi Samantha,
I absolutely agree that you should have nothing more to do with this man ever again. Sending messages to other women of a sexual nature is just an extension of his problem. That’s all you need to know. It’s all part of his problem. He is a very disturbed man and isn’t worth your mental energy. He needs expert help. Your top priority is to keep yourself safe.
Best Wishes
Peggy
PeggyParticipantHi Vesper,
Do you think you are able to go back to a place where you cease to have romantic feelings for your friend? The only time I can envisage this happening is when you find someone else to share romance with. If you are able to contact your friend by text or phone, perhaps you could explain that you have feelings for him which you realize may not be reciprocated and for the time being you will distance yourself from him. In other words, do both if you are able to.
My instinct tells me that it would be better if you moved on but I know that whatever decision you make, it has to be one that you can live with.
I’m going to be away for a couple of days so I will pick up on your response next week.
Peggy
October 4, 2019 at 3:53 am in reply to: How to let go of guilt and regret about adult child and move on? #315959PeggyParticipantHi Vesper,
What is the point of regretting all the things you might have done but didn’t? There is not one thing that you can change. Your daughter was ready to step out into the adult world with a man who she felt supported her and with whom she has a loving bond. I’m sure that if she had told you of her plans, you would have put up some form of resistance. Perhaps she didn’t need that from you at that time. I don’t see it as her running away, I see it as her running towards a new life and so far it seems to have worked out for her.
Have you ever heard the saying that everything must be learned, nothing can be taught. That being said, we are all teachers and we are all pupils. Your daughter is just as capable of teaching you what you need to learn as you are of teaching her.
I’m glad that the way is open for you to have loving communications with your daughter. It sounds as if you will be just fine now.
Peggy
PeggyParticipantHi Ray,
Writing down your thoughts and feelings is a good and safe way of releasing them. It provides its own therapy. Please be aware that as you write them down, give expression to them, you will find more coming up waiting to be released. I’m looking forward to hearing more from you and sharing this journey with you.
It doesn’t sound as if you are actually asking for advice so I will just say that the more you learn to love yourself, the more you will find yourself loving others.
Thank you for your post and for showing trust and courage.
Peggy
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