I’m sure you could find someone to mentor you through the process of getting your own business started. Like any major endeavor, it’s damn scary, and you will need someone not only to guide you through the process, but to provide moral support. (I don’t know much about the process, but I think there are ways to start up a business that don’t involve borrowing money…like finding investors to put up the capital you need. Yeah, that takes confidence to self-promote–but again, you can probably find people to assist you there.)

I think once you get the technicalities straightened out (like what exactly you want to be doing) things will fall into place for you. All the best!

Hi weepingdragon–

I am wondering…are you still receiving treatment (I mean REAL treatment, not being locked away) for your depression and anxiety? Depression and anxiety will distort your perceptions of yourself and those around you. (This I know firsthand, having struggled with depression for nearly 40 years.) It causes pain, and makes the positive things that “normal” people take for granted, like being happy, having loving relationships, and caring for themselves seem impossible. I am hearing the depression speaking loud and clear in your posts. I don’t think that is who you really are.

I see a guy who is trying hard to be a good person (not just “likeable”, but a decent human being), and who is grieving a great loss. Neither of those two things are easy to deal with. I don’t see a monster, or someone who is flawed or worthless. You’re hurting.

Maybe this doesn’t really answer the basic question that you’re asking–why you can’t find a loving partner, and how to overcome that particular hurdle. What I wanted to emphasize was that you ARE worthwhile. You deserve happiness and peace. It so happens that you have conditions which make life challenging for you, to say the least. That isn’t your fault.

If you haven’t already, talk to a mental health professional who can address the depression and anxiety. You are worth it.

I agree with Anita. Somewhere along the line “John” learned that standing up for himself and expressing his own desires and needs was “bad” and would earn the wrath (or worse, the emotional distance) of those close to him.

Couples therapy would do you both a world of good. John needs to learn to communicate to you (and the rest of the world) what he needs and wants.

I hope you two can work through these issues and be happy together.

Hello Felix 🙂

Yes, you are overwhelmed. I’m sure you tell yourself every day, “something has to give.”

My first instinct is to tell you to make a career change. You are highly qualified in IT, but you hate the corporate, hostile environment. It is hard to move away from something you have done for so long, and pride yourself on doing so well…but is it worth it to deal with a hostile environment, day in and day out?

Think about this: how would you feel if you worked in a more relaxed, more positive environment? I know nothing about the IT job market, but I’ve been exposed to the corporate world enough to realize that not every company harbors such a hostile environment. When you’re searching for jobs, do a little research into the companies you’re applying to. I’m sure you do that already–checking out the benefits packages, chances for advancement, the usual stuff. But I’m thinking more in terms of the environment, and how your coworkers are going to interact with you. In general, I’ve found that smaller companies are a little more relaxed than the big guys. Maybe consider that.

You consider your employment situation the top priority, so I’m starting with that…usually when one of these life issues is resolved, the others will fall in line. Even so, don’t neglect the other facets of your life–especially your marriage and family. I’m guessing your wife is feeling at least some of your stress. Finding a good marriage counselor would help you and her sort through those issues and find common ground.

Good luck with the job search, and everything else–give your dog a hug from me!

First off, congratulations on your engagement!

It sounds like this obsession with your first love is a fairly recent development…it has been mentioned that perhaps the stress you’re dealing with presently could be triggering memories of a less stressful time in your life…you were a lot younger when you got together with your ex, and probably didn’t have all the responsibility on your shoulders that you do now. If that is the case, your obsession might fade when the stress gets less.

Also, there’s the question of what could have been with the ex. It’s natural to wonder about that. As you are preparing to share your life with the man you’re marrying, you can’t help but ask “What would life be like if I’d married the other guy?” Again, once the excitement and stress of the situation gets resolved, this obsession may be forgotten, or at least lessened.

Right now it’s important to sort through these feelings–more importantly, the feelings that these feelings are triggering (if that makes sense.) This obsession is causing you even more stress on top of your already stressful life situation. It’s good that you have been open with your fiance about this. I think that a good counselor can help you sort through those emotions–and it’s a good idea for your fiance to be included in the process as well.

I hope the stress lessens for both of you, and you are able to enjoy your life together!

Hi K–

You are going through a grieving process–grieving the loss of the relationship, of your hopes, dreams and plans for the future, and the sense of purpose that a deep connection with another person can give. It is hard and it is painful, and it is also necessary. Fortunately it is not forever, and you will learn a good deal about yourself, what you’re capable of, what you need from life, and what will bring joy.

It sounds like you are beginning to accept that the relationship was not meant to be, and that you need to move on and get on with your life. You’ve mentioned your amazing friends…it is good that you have their love and support to help you heal. Spend a lot of time with them. Do fun things with them. Even if it hurts to think of having fun without your former partner, go out and do it anyway. Take the “geographical cure” if you are able–visit a foreign country or a city you’ve always wanted to see, especially somewhere you’ve never been, that you can discover on your own and build a new memory that does not include your former partner. (Myself, I would prefer to go alone…but it would be fun with a friend!)

Do the things you enjoyed doing yourself, with or without him. Did you enjoy cooking? Was there a particular style of cooking you’d always wanted to try, but you did not with him? Try it out! Look up a recipe online or check out a cookbook. Do something new and exciting, by yourself, for yourself.

It does get less and less painful as time passes. How much time it will take depends on you…everyone has to grieve and heal in their own time. Remember, you are a wonderful individual in your own right. Just because he is no longer a part of your life does not make you any less of a person!

Take care of yourself and be well.

I strongly agree with HippieChick–it does you no good to compare your life to others around you. Those people who appear to have it all together are probably struggling themselves, though to the world they appear to have everything under control. You have plenty to be thankful for right now–you are able to stay with your mom, you are working and learning in a field that interests you, and you have the mental and physical strength to put your all into it.

You could definitely use the support of people who can be a positive influence–your mom, for one. Is she supportive of your goals? Do you have friends around you who can encourage you? You don’t need to be married or have a romantic partner to receive the love and support of others.

Things won’t always be this hard. Your hard work and perseverance will pay off.