Anita,

Day one of move so far so good just tired.  I’ve noticed when I get stressed I start having negative thoughts about myself and what M. Must think of me and my behaviors.  I’m able to push them aside and start listening to the good side of my brain say it’s all ok.

I don’t recall being overly clingy with past relationships before my marriage or a constant worrier that they wanted to leave or didn’t  like me.  I think I’m going to have to take things extremely slow in the future with a man.  It’s kind of like having a really bad fall off a horse and suffering say a broken leg.  When you decide to ride again, Be cautious but have fun too.

I’ve just gotten a mentor at work who also works out at my gym.  It’s a man but he’s older And married and he and his wife are really good people.  She works out at the gym too.  I’ve started to realize how important it is to surround yourself with good people.

Lindsey

Anita,

Seems like if I’m not in control of a relationship then I’m vulnerable and they cut themselves off emotionally overnight. It’s one or the other with me.

Was my breakdown a combination of different things? Probably.  Not sure how to have a relationship with my mother or set boundaries.

It is hard to know if I actually liked M.  He did have faults but we did have things in common.

I’m just lonely.

Lindsey

Anita,

i guess I would have to say my relationship with my mother is…. hard.  She has apologized to me just not very often.  There have been times when she has helped.  Over the weekend of my 40th birthday she came to visit and the year and a half of a building nervous breakdown peaked and I had to make a change quickly. She was there for me and made me realize I had to move out now.   It seems unhealthy but it’s better than it used to be.

With M. I wanted the sex it just….was disappointing after. It was very frustrating because at first there was a connection but as soon as he said this can’t go anywhere he cut himself off emotionally and I felt like I kept chasing it.  It was sex and no emotions and I thought that’s what I wanted in the very beginning.  I found out during  I wanted comfort and a connection.

i feel so frustrated. I’ve seen him at work walk in front of me by several feet with me walking straight ahead and him crossing the hallway and he will stare at me and then look down when he can’t see me anymore as he walks.  What the hell??

lindsey

Anita,

the ex husband is upset and stressed out about this significant move Coming up.  He lashes out instead of communicating.  Yesterday I told him the owner of my gym is giving me 2 months free and then if I can afford to continue going, he would give me a discounted rate. We were discussing finances and cut backs etc.  my ex said to me “ did you get on your hands and knees in front of him?  Did you beg for him to let you work out for free?” I got up and left the room but am still angry.  I can’t call my mother because she is away at a tennis tournament and last time I spoke to her she made it very clear she has her own problems to deal with and for me to figure it out on my own.  This is her tone 75% of the time.  My brain startes thinking about M. And yesterday I thought again about stopping by his house but I didn’t.  I really can’t talk to my dad too much.  He has to take benzodiazepines daily but is on a low dose. SSRI’s and other meds did not relieve the daily panic attacks.  This started 2 years ago; we visited for Christmas and I was at the ER 3 times in 2 days. I took over as the oldest my mom practically had a breakdown. It has hurt their marriage and they are both struggling.  He’s going to different doctors and trying to get off the benzodiazepines but this situation has aged him.

Lindsey

Anita,

I don’t think I was damaged really by my other until my teen years, especially when I went to college.  She is really good at the baby/child stage as a mom.  When I and my siblings were older, she seemed less patient and wanted us to figure it out on our own and stop relying on her too much.  Which is a normal thing for a parent but she did not try to make it happen gradually, it was like overnight.  For example when I went to college, she pretty much said you are on your own now and they moved into a new house without a room for me.  She emotionally cut herself off from me overnight.  I was very lost for a long time.  We have a good relationship now.

My ex is my ex-husband.  Technically not until divorce filing but I don’t want to refer to him as husband.  I start moving on Monday, April 1st.  I’ll be completely moved in by next Saturday the 9th.  I’ll probably start staying over before the 9th.

I feel like the fog is lifting and I am getting over the entire situation with M. a bit everyday.  Really it was supposed to be something casual.  I was not in a position to enter into that type of situation really at all-it’s not my personality.

Lindsey

What’s funny is his face is blurry when I try to remember him physically.  I felt nothing in his room and kept wanting to feel something, anything really.  Prior to our separation, there was about 2 years of coercion sex.  It would buy me at least 3-4 days of him not being verbally crazy and a calm house.  But I would cry during and after I don’t think he knew.

There are so many things I’m realizing that are just common sense.  What I don’t think people realize especially when they say things like “wake up” is that abuse puts you in a fog.  Normal decision bring anxiety and confusion.  What I used to be able to do now seems like running a mind marathon.  I would of allowed M. To do whatever to me because a part of me was not even there and still fills like I’ve been carved down the middle.

My father was always working and I was really just an extension of my mother kind of like a doll.  She had me at 19 and we grew up together. She really good at mothering until her kids became teenagers.

Lindsey

My worry is I don’t want anyone to think I’m crazy or desperate or unstable.  I absolutely agree with you about getting to know someone before getting physical. Boy do I ever.  I feel like he looked in a secret cabinet of mine no one really sees and then he slammed it shut and ran away.  I gave him access to that cabinet and now I feel vulernable and exposed.

Lindsey

Forgot to add this.  The main reason I’m upset is bc after he broke it off Thursday, he was not at work until the following Tuesday. He put his Skype on as out of the office and he was there working. I checked it hoping he would be out again coast clear for the day. I took that as he thinks I’m obsessed/stalker/he’s trying to avoid me at all costs.  I took that very personally