Forum Replies Created
-
Anita I want to comment on your post but I have a strong feeling right now that I am going to be put into a situation that will make me extremely uncomfortable and hurt. I am in a panic right now because I can not depend on people having compassion for me. I am sorry to be vague. Just let me be vague because I can not talk about it right now. I am suspicious of something where people will force me to see someone who hurt me and I know I will be expected to be fine and pretend everything is fine. I am not even sure if this scenario I am thinking is going to happen but I know these people well enough to know how easily my feelings are put aside.
I am also upset because I have to go to work early and can not get to sleep. I can feel myself getting worked up.
I think reading about people attacking women for calling attention to things from the past that were not romantic but were presented as being romantic has unnerved me. The admiration for the atrocious people in power by women no less has unnerved me. I will be fine though and all of this unsettling bullying will be defeated.
I am sorry, I am scared right now. I am strong when I am away from most. I have always felt the closer I get to the group the weaker I feel. I have always felt like that. Being part of a circle has never been attractive to me because I am weak in a group and stronger without.
There has to be some situations where there is no more to see and seeing a situation correctly but I agree that there are many more situations than not where there is more to see.
I am sorry for your experience with your mother. I understand what you are saying by thinking everyone is just like the person or people who wronged you or hurt you.
I can think of the person who used me, the one who was always angry at me, the one who stayed out of my life, the one who I couldn’t depend on, the one who made me feel bad about myself, the ones who humiliated me, the ones who rejected me and compared me unfavourably to someone else…Everyone I meet are one of these people and I react to them the way I would react to them when I first experienced the hurt they caused me.
I am stuck
I am immature.
Again I am sorry for your experience. Back then it just felt like everyone I came in contact with rejected me, put up with me or was annoyed with me until I just decided to stay in my room as much as I possibly could.
I never matured. I was forced to go out and make money in my extremely immature state and I am not surprised by all the hurt and bumps in the road I endured. I am also not surprised at what others had to endure from me. Having pmdd only magnified my unfortunate situation but ultimately my problem was that I was/ am immature and stuck possibly in the age I decided to drop out of life. Around 11 or 12. I am mentally healthy in that I know what is real and what isn’t which had probaly contributed to my sadness. If I was delusional really I don’t think I would cry as much as I do or seek help as much as I do. I am not emotionally healthy though. I am quite immature and that has contributed to me not knowing how to really help myself physically or emotionally.
The reality is I do not have the slightest clue how to start a relationship let alone maintain one.
Socially I believe I see things clearly on a human level, Philosophically and spiritually, I am up for anything but emotionally I am not seeing clearly at all.
At the risk of taking a backward steps it did feel overwhelming when I was younger. It did feel that I was just an annoyance. The overall feeling, I can give “moments” when I felt loved but overall I felt like I showed up to a party I wasn’t invited to.
Thank you Anita,
Lisa
If ypu need clarity on anything let me know? I know what I want to say in my head but not sure if it came across well in my post.
Because I don’t see people as “moody” or “that’s just the way they are” I have to come up with a reason for their behaivor because I always believe there is a reason behind everything. It’s hard for me to rationally address something I find irrational. Others can calmly say like “I don’t like it when you speak to me that way,” and don’t bother to wonder why someone is speaking “that way” to them. I have to know why and if I can not come up with a logical answer then it just must be me. There is something wrong with me otherwise this makes no sense and why would someone who is irrational be in the position of authority that they are in?
I often think it is because they put on a different tone or voice depending on whom they are speaking with.
Anyway, much to work on but I have to get through my work today first.
All I can say is that I go into work with a friendly mindset. I go out the door with a focus on being friendly. I am bullied by the latest person who wants to gaslight me, surrounded by people loved by others who have no idea why the computers just happen to be going wrong when I am in front of them and evety time I tried to show someone they would work fine. People walk away and then they act up again. You wonder why I feel I got something following me around causing havoc. There is no logical explanation for a computer only having a problem with me alone and then working fine when I try to show someone. My increased frustration although I did my best to make light of it shows. I tried to do someone a favor on the way home tonight only to be questioned about it in a condescending way. I’m done. I’m tired. I didn’t DO one thing tonight to cause any of the problems I experienced. I didn’t do one thing to get the attitudes I got. I have been on a mission to look out for myself these past two weeks and I wonder if people get angry when I obtain my goals at work or life?
Was in a optimistic mood but now just tired.
Anita yes I am anxious all the time and I have been basically all my life. Every minute consists of dealing with reality by putting a face on while I am kept away from my more interesting life in my head.
Yes I do not know how to relax unless something physically relaxes me like a supplement.
Yes I am always afraid.
I look around and see men bend over backwards to please the women in thier life…I didn’t think I was asking too much to want them to pay an ounce of attention to me and I mean me.
I never believe that anyone would want to be with me so they have to tell me that that’s the case otherwise I feel as if I am being pushy. They have to tell me or I won’t push.
My family were the only people I have made an effort even though I felt as if I was only cared about because I existed and not because they felt I was anyone special.
I won’t push myself on anyone. They have to show me or tell me that they want me to be there.
It is absolutely true that I am sensitive to criticism. It is because I have to do well, I have to be productive, I have to be doing whatever it is I am supposed to be doing in order to survive. I can not mess up and if I feel I have then it’s hard to bounce back. Messing up equals me out of a job, the conversation, my home, the group….I have to be perfect to just be able to exist. Forget about excelling. I am not allowed to be imperfect like other women are. I feel like I have to show inferiority just to be allowed to be in the room and steal the crumbs off the floor. Of course I highly resent this and express my frustration so it’s a no win situation for me.
My negative interactions with men have been mostly from talking to me like my body was the only thing that existed or attempts to intimidate me into having everything go exactly how they want it to go.
I’m a little confused about being afraid of criticism from men. I am basically non existent to them and don’t think they would love or hate me enough to have any strong opinion other than the only reason to pay any attention to me: physical or to intimidate me to make things go their way.
In my daydreaming the men I am involved with are critcal of me but because they either are bothered by my independence or they care about my personality and the criticism is constructive. They criticise me to help me. In reality they don’t care. So I have to say in my fantasies I am criticised but it is usually because they feel strongly towards me.
Believe it or not I am thinking logically about the too many coincidences in my life. Too many times things are just set up too neatly for me to experience pain or frustration.
I could go over and over about the moody women who have relationships and yet I do not and it is not only unfair it is mystery to me. I could but I have already said it numerous times.
You mention about the time you have put in to help me. I have always appreciated your time Anita and that you have tried to help me.
The thing is I often feel as if I need to help the person trying to help me because I know it is not a problem easily solved. I have been trying since I was a teen.
It’s strange that I said men criticise me when I believe my biggest problem is that men do not take the time to criticise me at all. I don’t know what I am doing wrong because they never care enough to tell me.
Men are not afraid of me Anita but saying so clears them of how they really feel which is after I really speak…nothing.
If you have ever seen the movie “Ever After,” I can definitely relate to the charactor Danielle played by Drew Barrymore. The anguish she feels when at the ball and she is attacked…that’s how I feel. Watch that scene and then imagine someone telling that charactor “well the way you are treated is all your fault.” Danielle is outspoken and it does cause her grief. That is certainly true.
I want to repost this paragraph to make corrections. The charactor’s name is Danielle not Ella and a couple spelling mistakes.
It’s so frustrating!!!!! I go online to find help. I can’t find help anywhere. Every article tells me it’s fine to be a single woman. Yeah if that is what you want, yes, I agree, if that is what you want THEN it is fine….but what if it is not what you want?
I have been informed since day one that I am to be alone. No one has ever been concerned that I’m alone. Just trying to get me to accept it. I either received no help at all or had people pushing me towards men who weren’t right for me or men who only saw my worth physically.
I can’t stand injustice. When I see spoiled people in this country getting their every whim fulfilled while others in the world are treated poorly it makes me angry.
I don’t understand it. I was a pretty girl. I had everything. I had everything. I don’t understand why no one showed an interest in me.
Don’t tell me how I should feel or what I should think. These articles act like I am single by choice. Some are but I’m not. No one ever asks or looks deeper to find out why something is the way it is. I can’t fix a problem if I don’t know what is wrong and I am on a lost quest for an answer.
Every article talks about how it’s fine to be alone. It IS fine if that is what makes you happy but for people trying to fix what they view as a problem…it’s not helpful.
I was a pretty, talented, friendly and bright girl who started out life not expected and then being continually rejected…sometimes with much disgust in thier voice or a roll of the eyes.
If I didn’t comply with what boys wanted they would turn on me and made me feel like I wasn’t worthy of any praise.
I have tried to get help but I am tired of being told it is ok to be single when it is NOT OK for ME to be single. They speak to me likes it an irreversible problem that I have to deal with.
I am good at researching and I can find an answer to many problems but I can not find an answer to this one.
In these articles people bring up how they are talked to sometimes about their singlehood but the most painful thing for me is that people, family never ask me why I am alone or feel as if there should be any other way. I seem to run into a few women in my life… mostly older women who are completely put off by me and seem to revel in me not getting ahead or receiving friendship or life of any kind. It’s very strange. I can not be myself around them because they try to knock me down. These are women old enough to be my mother. They also treat women younger than me like they are worthy of attention from other people, worthy of praise, promotion…it’s like they all represent the mother in “Ever After” thinking only her daughters are worthy of attention and Danielle must be in an obsessive way kept from ever being happy. She can not be happy and I feel like I have run into that mother in every situation in life I have been in. Like it’s thier job that my self esteem.remain low and that I am never to think I am worthy. She’s right there making sure I do not experience happiness because my happiness can’t happen.
If you have ever seen the movie Ever After I can definately relate to the lead charactor of Danielle played by Drew Barrymore. The anguish she feels in that movie especially whe at the ball and she is attacked..that’s how I feel. Watch that scene and then imagine someone telling that charactor well the way you are treated is all your fault. Ella is outspoken and it does cause her grief. That is certainly true.
I am sorry I am rambling but I can only talk about how I am feeling and my emotions regarding my problem because I have tried to think about it logically but it makes even less sense to me because there us no logical reason I am by myself all the time.
Ironically the only people who SEE ME are married men. A few rare women and also ironically men who are much younger than me seem to see my worth as a person.
I’m so tired. I’m so tired of fighting. I’m so tired of crying. I’m so tired of feeling lonely. I am so tired of not finding the answer to my problem.
Everytime someone has contributed to my thread I was thankful and courteous to them.
It’s a convenient excuse for people not to talk to me. Show me where in my thread where I did not thank someone. I do not want you to but I know I have not not thanked them and I am not giving anyone in this life a free ride to not acknowledge that they simply look down on some women and not others. There is no evidence that I would be anything but respectful to them so then what?
I always appreciate your input Anita but you are rare. Most people only talk to people uf something is in it for them. I’m obviously not important. I’m not important to people. I would like to find out why?
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 