There has to be some situations where there is no more to see and seeing a situation correctly but I agree that there are many more situations than not where there is more to see.

I am sorry for your experience with your mother. I understand what you are saying by thinking everyone is just like the person or people who wronged you or hurt you.

I can think of the person who used me, the one who was always angry at me, the one who stayed out of my life, the one who I couldn’t depend on, the one who made me feel bad about myself, the ones who humiliated me, the ones who rejected me and compared me unfavourably to someone else…Everyone I meet are one of these people and I react to them the way I would react to them when I first experienced the hurt they caused me.

I am stuck

I am immature.

Again I am sorry for your experience. Back then it just felt like everyone I came in contact with rejected me, put up with me or was annoyed with me until I just decided to stay in my room as much as I possibly could.

I never matured. I was forced to go out and make money in my extremely immature state and I am not surprised by all the hurt and bumps in the road I endured. I am also not surprised at what others had to endure from me. Having pmdd only magnified my unfortunate situation but ultimately my problem was that I was/ am immature and stuck possibly in the age I decided to drop out of life. Around 11 or 12. I am mentally healthy in that I know what is real and what isn’t which had probaly contributed to my sadness. If I was delusional really I don’t think I would cry as much as I do or seek help as much as I do. I am not emotionally healthy though. I am quite immature and that has contributed to me not knowing how to really help myself physically or emotionally.

The reality is I do not have the slightest clue how to start a relationship let alone maintain one.

Socially I believe I see things clearly on a human level, Philosophically and spiritually, I am up for anything but emotionally I am not seeing clearly at all.

At the risk of taking a backward steps it did feel overwhelming when I was younger. It did feel that I was just an annoyance. The overall feeling, I can give “moments” when I felt loved but overall I felt like I showed up to a party I wasn’t invited to.

Thank you Anita,

Lisa

If ypu need clarity on anything let me know? I know what I want to say in my head but not sure if it came across well in my post.

• This reply was modified 5 years, 11 months ago by Lisa.
• This reply was modified 5 years, 11 months ago by Lisa.
• This reply was modified 5 years, 11 months ago by Lisa.

Because I don’t see people as “moody” or “that’s just the way they are” I have to come up with a reason for their behaivor because I always believe there is a reason behind everything. It’s hard for me to rationally address something I find irrational. Others can calmly say like “I don’t like it when you speak to me that way,” and don’t bother to wonder why someone is speaking “that way” to them. I have to know why and if I can not come up with a logical answer then it just must be me. There is something wrong with me otherwise this makes no sense and why would someone who is irrational be in the position of authority that they are in?

I often think it is because they put on a different tone or voice depending on whom they are speaking with.

Anyway, much to work on but I have to get through my work today first.

• This reply was modified 5 years, 11 months ago by Lisa.

I wrote half of explaining my work tonight but I deleted it. I am just so tired of explaining weird injustices. I will try to condense. Computer I was on was acting up. I switched computers with a co worker and he had no trouble and later my second computer acted up.

My manager earlier told me I pushed the wrong button on my screen and I knew for a fact I hadn’t. She said it in a way that was commanding like telling me to admit that an apple is an orange. I protested and said no I did not…yes you did…no I did not..I know what I pushed. I was in a very good mood tonight and I am braver when I am in a good mood. There was a person in front of us who told me after she left that I had pushed the right button. Innocently asking for help and talk to with so much annoyance. I finally switched the computer and then a half an hour later the new one I was on acted up. What is the explanation for a glitch to follow me to another computer? I started to get paranoid.like someone was tring to sabotage me, my work. I have always had electricity in my body but I wonder if the cold effects my hands and the screen or maybe I have healing hands? I am looking for why my computer is acting up.

I went on again but I have to vent.

Anita yes I am anxious all the time and I have been basically all my life. Every minute consists of dealing with reality by putting a face on while I am kept away from my more interesting life in my head.

Yes I do not know how to relax unless something physically relaxes me like a supplement.

Yes I am always afraid.

I look around and see men bend over backwards to please the women in thier life…I didn’t think I was asking too much to want them to pay an ounce of attention to me and I mean me.

I never believe that anyone would want to be with me so they have to tell me that that’s the case otherwise I feel as if I am being pushy. They have to tell me or I won’t push.

My family were the only people I have made an effort even though I felt as if I was only cared about because I existed and not because they felt I was anyone special.

I won’t push myself on anyone. They have to show me or tell me that they want me to be there.

It is absolutely true that I am sensitive to criticism. It is because I have to do well, I have to be productive, I have to be doing whatever it is I am supposed to be doing in order to survive. I can not mess up and if I feel I have then it’s hard to bounce back. Messing up equals me out of a job, the conversation, my home, the group….I have to be perfect to just be able to exist. Forget about excelling. I am not allowed to be imperfect like other women are. I feel like I have to show inferiority just to be allowed to be in the room and steal the crumbs off the floor. Of course I highly resent this and express my frustration so it’s a no win situation for me.

My negative interactions with men have been mostly from talking to me like my body was the only thing that existed or attempts to intimidate me into having everything go exactly how they want it to go.

I’m a little confused about being afraid of criticism from men. I am basically non existent to them and don’t think they would love or hate me enough to have any strong opinion other than the only reason to pay any attention to me: physical or to intimidate me to make things go their way.

In my daydreaming the men I am involved with are critcal of me but because they either are bothered by my independence or they care about my personality and the criticism is constructive. They criticise me to help me. In reality they don’t care. So I have to say in my fantasies I am criticised but it is usually because they feel strongly towards me.

Believe it or not I am thinking logically about the too many coincidences in my life. Too many times things are just set up too neatly for me to experience pain or frustration.

I could go over and over about the moody women who have relationships and yet I do not and it is not only unfair it is mystery to me. I could but I have already said it numerous times.

You mention about the time you have put in to help me. I have always appreciated your time Anita and that you have tried to help me.

The thing is I often feel as if I need to help the person trying to help me because I know it is not a problem easily solved. I have been trying since I was a teen.

It’s strange that I said men criticise me when I believe my biggest problem is that men do not take the time to criticise me at all. I don’t know what I am doing wrong because they never care enough to tell me.

Men are not afraid of me Anita but saying so clears them of how they really feel which is after I really speak…nothing.

• This reply was modified 5 years, 11 months ago by Lisa.

If you have ever seen the movie “Ever After,” I can definitely relate to the charactor Danielle played by Drew Barrymore. The anguish she feels when at the ball and she is attacked…that’s how I feel. Watch that scene and then imagine someone telling that charactor “well the way you are treated is all your fault.” Danielle is outspoken and it does cause her grief. That is certainly true.

I want to repost this paragraph to make corrections. The charactor’s name is Danielle not Ella and a couple spelling mistakes.

• This reply was modified 5 years, 11 months ago by Lisa.

I do not have a problem with however people mutually and happily conduct thier relationships. The injustice I feel is when thier way permeates the collective culture so much that it effects the happiness and self esteem of others.

It’s very difficult for me to accept that I can not be loved for who I am.

Everytime someone has contributed to my thread I was thankful and courteous to them.

It’s a convenient excuse for people not to talk to me. Show me where in my thread where I did not thank someone. I do not want you to but I know I have not not thanked them and I am not giving anyone in this life a free ride to not acknowledge that they simply look down on some women and not others. There is no evidence that I would be anything but respectful to them so then what?

I always appreciate your input Anita but you are rare. Most people only talk to people uf something is in it for them. I’m obviously not important. I’m not important to people. I would like to find out why?

• This reply was modified 6 years ago by Lisa.

Trust me Anita, I am not going to get responses from anyone but you and the reason is the same reason strong women are attacked. If I came in here all humble and weak and pretend I was someone the would be interested in saving I would get responses. Sorry I’m real and real doesn’t look good on women.